yet another question on porn

[tigress1126]

Hi all, I was feeling pretty bad lately about my boyfriends porn habits and such so I decided to talk to him about it and his exadct words were "I need variety and porn helps me to remain faithful"also he said that in reference to all other women "I am 26 years old and it is natural for me to want to have sex with everyone but I do not act on it so that should not be a question from me"! I told him it makes me feel totally inadequate and I have never met anyone that NEEDED porn to remain faithful. I mean it would not be so bad but I think it is a prob when he looks at that stuff and uses all his energy on that and then none for me. HE does it a few times a week and said he wishes he had more time to look at porn but he doesnt. He does not realize that those two comments really hurt me and I am just wondering if this is how most men feel? I mean I thought when you loved someone, yeah you notice attractive people, you are only human but to want to sleep with all of them instead of just notice and say yeah they are attractive, that hurts when you feel not physically enough for your SO. He said he will never be satisfied with just looking at one woman and blah blah, and that is fine, but his two comments HURT!! Him wanting to do everyone and his NEED for variety to remain faithful. How can I help myself feel better about all of these things and myself? I mean his comments just made me feel worse about how he feels about porn and other chics now, instead of making me feel better. Any advice?

[ELK]

I CAN TOTALLY RELATE TO HOW YOU ARE FEELING. MY HUSBAND IS A PORN ADDICT AND I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS FOR OVER 2 YEARS. IT HAS DESTROYED MY SELF ESTEEM AND I TOO FEEL INADEQUATE.

 

IT SOUNDS LIKE HOW HE EXPLAINED IT TO YOU DIDN'T COME OUT SO SMOOTHLY, BUT MAYBE HE REALLY DIDN'T MEAN IT IN A BAD WAY. I THINK WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY IS THAT IN ORDER FOR HIM TO BE SEXUALLY SATISFIED ,HE NEEDS TO LOOK AT PORN. MY HUSBAND EXPLAINED IT TO ME SOMEWHAT SIMILAR , YET NOT SO CRUEL. HE CHECKS OUT WOMEN ALL THE TIME, AND WHEN I HAVE TOLD HIM IT BOTHERS ME HE STATES IT IS NATURAL AND HE DOESN'T KNOW TOO MANY MEN WHO DON'T LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN IN A SEXUAL WAY. WHETHER HE IS DREAMING ABOUT SLEEPING WITH THEM I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DON'T THINK HE WOULD ADMIT THAT. HE STATES WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE TOGETHER FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, THEY LOSE THAT SPICE THEY HAD ONCE THEY FIRST MET. HE FEELS IN ORDER FOR ANY COUPLE TO REMAIN HAPPY SEXUALLY LONG TERM THERE HAS TO BE VARIETY SOMETIMES INVOLVING OTHER WOMEN, BUT OF COURSE ONLY IN FANTASY FORM. HE STATES HE WOULD NEVER BREAK OUR COMMITTMENT, AND I BELIEVE HIM. BUT, LIKE YOU, IT REALLY MAKES ME FEEL AWFUL.

 

IN SPITE OF HOW AWFUL I FEEL, I HAVE TALKED TO OTHER WOMEN AND COUNSELLOURS, AND THEY SAY ALMOST ENTIRELY MEN LOOK AT PORN BECAUSE THEY NEED THAT VISUAL STIMULI, BUT IT HAS NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH HOW HAPPY THEY ARE WITH THEIR PARTNER.

 

THERE IS NO EASY ANSWER FOR YOU. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS IS A PART OF HIS PERSONALITY THAT WILL NOT CHANGE. MY HUSBAND HAS TRIED TO CHANGE FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS, NUMEROUS TIMES, BUT HE ALWAYS GOES BACK TO IT, HE SOMEHOW NEEDS IT TO BE FULFILLED. THE QUESTION IS CAN YOU ACCEPT THIS, AND AS LONG AS HE IS FAITHFUL, BE OKAY WITH IT. I AM STRUGGLING WITH THAT ONE MYSELF. JUST REMEMBER IT IS NOT YOU THAT HAS MADE HIM LIKE THIS, EVEN IF HE WAS WITH A SUPERMODEL HE WOULD STILL HAVE THIS PERSONALITY. GOOD LUCK!

[tigress1126]

Yeah but those two comments realllllly hurt!!! That he needs it to remain faithful and that he "naturally" wants to sleep with evey attractive woman he sees! Will he ever grow out of this? I feel sooo aweful when I know lookingis normal, but just the fact that he says he needs variety to remain faithful to me HURTS!! Isn't love enough toi want to remain faithful? ALmost makes me feel he does not love me!

[Confused123]

I really understand what you are going through. Actually my first post to this site was about my boyfriend and his porn use. I had never ben with someone who made it such a regular part of their life (or I was never with someone who made it so know tp me). Iat first at had a REAL hard time coming to terms with this. I felt all those feeling that every women feels, I am not good enough, I am not enough womem for him. I am in my mid-twenties, I am attractive, I have a nice figure, I take care of myself physically, we are best friends. Our sex life is great, we have very charged sex. However, he stilled looked at that crap. Why, Why, Why......

 

Well, I asked him why, he was alittle less harsh then your man. Which I agree I would be hurt to. It is one thing to find self-pleasure in something, it is another thing to say he needs to look at porn to stay faithful. I would be very hurt is my man told me he looked at because he desired to have sex with other women. In my opinon, that is just cruel. It is one thig to have something that you do for yourself, it is other to do it so you don't go around having sex with other women. My boyfriend told me it keeps him charged sexually, gives him new ideas, but it has nothing to do with me and his sexually satifaction with our relationship. If he told me he did it to stay faithful, I think i would have told him not to do me any favors....

 

How long have you two been together? Does this take away from your sex life? I understand you feeling of not being good enough, I felt them too. However, I have come to terms with them (however, he will never be free of my little side comments) I have pretty much gotten over it. I realized he loves me and his need to look at porn, came along long before I did.

 

One more question, do you masterbate? I used to masterbate only sometimes, now I make it a regular part of my week. I even bought myself a vibrator. I have to admit it really helped me get over his need to please himself, by looking at porn. I told myself, well instead of feeling fustrated with him looking at porn. I would begin to take care of myself alittle more. If you need some suggestion, let me know, I know a great site....

 

I hope I have helped. You are alone out there in your feelings. Hang in there

[lovinlife2]

Tigress1126 have things improved? I hope that he has come to his senses.

[Phelly]

I'm ashamed to admit it but your post made me laugh.

 

"I am 26 years old and it is natural for me to want to have sex with everyone but I do not act on it so that should not be a question from me"

 

Is your boyfriend one of those guys who is always joking around? My bro is like that, and that's something he would say. It just sounds so hilarious.

 

Now, the comments, they were immature. He shouldn't have said that..... Of course it will hurt your feelings

 

But as far as the porn goes I really wouldn't worry about it. A guy can't masturbate to the same porn twice.

I have someone who I love very very much, and I think she's the most beautiful thing in the world--no one compares. She thinks I'm just sweet talking her when I say it but I've never met anyone so beautiful.

 

But in order to stimulate yourself as far as masturbation, you do need variety (as in, porn). That's how it is with guys, anyway. Don't know about girls. I don't compare my gf to the porn.....it's not even related in any way. It's just masturbation.

 

And i'll say it in a generalized way, it's hard to masturbate to the same thing twice. The porn loses its appeal very quickly, so you need something new to keep the stimulation more intense.

 

If I was a female maybe I could understand how you feel, but as a guy it has nothing to do with my gf at all. I love her and she's beautiful. But I still want my porn lol

[Black&Asianbeauty]

I'm new to this site and I just wanted to say it is sooo refreshing to know that other people are going through the same thing as me. Its really hard to do it all on your own....

 

My fiance of 3 months promised me he would never do that and yet it still happened to me. I guess it happens to the best of us no matter how beautiful you are inside and out. I felt that yes, it did have a lot to do with me and that I was inadequate in my physical appearance even though I am very pretty. I don't have big breasts and that has been an insecurity of mine. I never thought that his actions could hurt me sooooo deeply. I am really ready to leave him if it happens again and he knows it. I don't believe in staying in an unhappy relationship. I respect you if you try to work through it though. I am still young and I don't want to worry everyday for the rest of my life if my fiance is going to betray me again. Its a waste of time and energy and I have no outlet for my anger except for at him. My mother has had to go through this for over 5 years and I see how unhappy and sick she is with worry over wether her husband is going to lie to her again.

 

Porn is very secretive and deceptive and I don't think that anyone should do it if it causes someone else pain especially the one person that you love. I hope that all of you ladies find some kind of peace within yourself. I'm still trying to recover from it and regain that confidence that I once had. Its a very difficult thing for some women and others it is no big deal. I wish sometimes that it didn't bother me like it does.

 

I have a question though, if your man says that he won't do it again especially after your broke down in pain and crying numerous times in front of him and he feels REALLY bad about it.... is it possible that he won't do it again or am I foolish to think that ??????

[Phelly]

Are you saying you don't want your guy to masturbate or that you don't want him to see porn...

 

Masturbation simply doesn't work without porn, and i think basically every male within a certain age range (like 14-35 or something) masturbates at least once or twice per week... (there are exceptions though)

 

I think it's very unrealistic for a guy who masturbates to just stop...

 

Quite honestly I would guess that he will just do a better job of hiding it from you now... But I wouldn't blame him for it. That's like asking a dog not to drool lol

 

I can tell you with absolute certainty that it has nothing to do with you or what you perceive to be an inadequacy. Actually, as far as porn goes I'm more turned on watching the women whose body resembles that of my partner. My partner has small breasts(which she is not particularly proud of) but I like it that way. The women within the porno do not compare with the beauty of my partner and that's not even the point of watching.

 

I don't think that porn is "secretive" or "deceptive" unless you force it to be. It's just a stimulant.

 

If you ask any psychiatrist or what not, they'll tell you pretty much every guy masturbates and 99% probably use porn. And the point is not to degrade or insult their women!

 

Like I said I'm very deeply in love with my partner and behind these lover's eyes I see not a flaw on her body. But I still use porn, and it's not because my gf is inadequate in any way shape or form. And it's definitely not because she doesn't give me enough "attention" because she does.

 

Anyway, I don't know if that helps anyone. Girls have their "girl things" that i'll never understand, so I guess guys have them too.

[dyermaker]

I heard on the radio (from a physician) that the brain patterns women experience while engrossed in conversation are nearly identical to those experienced by men during porn-viewing.

[Confused123]

interesting dyemaker... I like can def see the correlation. However, porn seems to harm alot more relationships then an innccent conversation two women exchange about shoes...

[tigress1126]

Well things are okay, not too much better, I am having a tough time letting go of his previous comments. I told him that all I want is to feel like the most beautiful woman in the world to him and like no one can compare, but I have to say things like that to him to get him to say honey you are. I am a verrrrrry sexual person and ALWAYS willing to please him, even if it is just oral, but he feels the need to be with his magazine ladies. Half the time it is not even a video, JUST a picture which is what made me feel inadequate. Since then he has let me hide his porn mags and not downloading/saving pics to the pc. I made him keep the videos though, as I like to use em too and I do not wish to ask him to never view porn. Just use me more for his physical needs. Things are slowly improving!

 

BUT NOW, I am in another dilemma. We are going back to Buffalo NY for 10 days in July. He has plans of going and frequenting the strip clubs in Canada, which I used to go to all the time as well. I am now having a tough time dealing with this idea that he feels the NEED to go to these places, I also KNOW what goes on there in most of the ones as I have been to them and totally do not like the idea of in flesh sexual touching. He HAS agreed to see things my way on the no lap dances thing, although he got some for his b-day a few months ago before I told him that is waaaaay too much sexual contact for me to handle. He still WANTS to get them though as he is always asking his coworkers if it is wrong for me to ask that and blah blah. However he does see where I am coming from and SUPPOSEDLY will refrain. But why does he still WANT to get them or have to go??? I just want to be in a league of my own with him and have him be totally happy with me and think I am the hottest thing on the planet. Is that soooo wrong of me? HELP!!!

[tigress1126]

One more thing, he didnt just use the pics for masterbations aids, he just downloaded them to get his fill of variety!!! How am I supposed to feel, although I am extremely attractive I feel sooooo small when he does that and is not even masterbating. How can I help but take it personally?

[Black&Asianbeauty]

To Phelly, I don't think that in any way its wrong to masturbate. When it comes to porn though, I guess that I just hate how secretive it can be. I want to know everything about my partner and I feel like we're a team. A team works together NOT behind the other persons back.

 

I know for a fact that he would be very hurt if I were to keep anything a secret from him especially if I were gong on the internet to look at naked hot guys. Also, is porn the only way for guys to get off??? Can't they use some imagination? Lets say I were to give him erotic pictures of me and made a sex tape with him. Would that still not be enough or would it?? I don't understand the whole going to look at OTHER women. Why not drool over the woman that you chose to love for the rest of your life and who is apparantly the most beautiful person in their eyes. I have tons of other guys gawking at me so I know that I am very pretty,why can't he just take pleasure in my beauty?? I can respect a guy for admiring a pretty woman who is walking by or is on a tv show but to go OUT of your way to find them on the internet is hurtful to me.What to do, what to do?

[UCFKevin]

How about this:

 

Suck it up and deal with it;

 

or

 

Dump him.

 

Simple as that.

 

Porn is NOT the only way for guys to get off on their own, but it IS a tool to do so.

 

I cannot stress this enough, and it truly perplexes me why some of you just do not comprehend this whatsoever:

 

THEY ARE NOT WATCHING PORN BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. THEY ARE NOT WATCHING PORN TO SPITE YOU. THEY ARE NOT WATCHING PORN BECAUSE YOU AREN'T PRETTY ENOUGH. THEY ARE WATCHING PORN BECAUSE THEY ARE HORNY BASTARDS AND YOU AREN'T AROUND 24/7 READY AND WILLING TO HAVE SEX SO JERKING OFF TO PORN IS A MUCH EASIER AND MUCH MORE CONVENIENT SOLUTION. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT THEM. IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE HORNY. THAT IS IT.

 

DAMMIT.

[johan]

it truly perplexes me why some of you just do not comprehend this whatsoever

 

Get used to it. Capital letters isn't going to make it make more sense. Any guy who puts porn between himself and his woman is a total idiot. Maybe it's just a harmless little outlet. But if it becomes an issue in a relationship it's because the guy brought it into the house, not because the woman got upset about it. Any guy with half a brain will not fight this particular battle.

 

If she sucks it up and deals with it, it's her loss. If she dumps him, it's his loss. And he'll actually end up losing either way. The only win-win situation is to turn the computer off and go spend some quality time together. I'd rather scrub prison toilets with my girlfriend and have her love me than have a fight with her about my right to whack off to porn and have her lose respect for me.

[Phelly]

johan has a good point.

 

To be clear, I believe porn is a woman's problem. It wouldn't bother me if my gf was looking at porn...

 

Masturbating without porn is like drinking coffee without sugar

You can do it but its not particularly pleasurable.

 

But I agree if the woman has a problem, be it porn or whatever else, the guy has to deal with it, and if he doesn't, he's liable to get dumped. It's not something I would want to lose a girl over since it seems as though many girls see this as a problem.

[UCFKevin]

Of course it's nothing to end a relationship over, but to me, if I was with a girl who wanted me to end porn watching for the rest of time, I'd have to tell her, "Okay. Stop shopping." I wouldn't want someone who wants to change me. I'd want someone who's confident enough to say, "Well, he watches porn. Interesting. Anyways..."

 

If it's a 24/7 habit, then yeah, there are big time problems going on, but if it's a once a day thing, good GOD, so the hell what?

 

Why are women so damn threatened by this? I'll just never understand it, just as women won't understand our side of it either.

 

The only win-win situation is to turn the computer off and go spend some quality time together.

 

Nope. Don't see how you can figure that. It's win lose if he stops watching porn. He's being prohibited from doing something he likes to do. That's losing for him. Yeah, he gets to keep her, too, but she's changing him in the process, who says it'll end there? What if next, it's how he dresses? Or the music he listens to? Extreme outcomes, of course, but who knows? Some women out there DO want to change their guys into how THEY want them to be. I've heard it first hand. And even my best friend's at the time fiancee told my girlfriend at the time, "Bryan still needs some work, but I'll fix it all when we get married." They got married last July. They're now getting a divorce.

 

I'd rather scrub prison toilets with my girlfriend and have her love me than have a fight with her about my right to whack off to porn and have her lose respect for me.

 

Well, that's cool, that's how you are, but here's a wild and whacky newsflash. Some women don't care. Porn? Big deal. If there is respect involved, there would never be a need to have someone stop doing something they usually do and have done for ages before, so long as it's not detrimental to the relationship. Like I said, if it's an all day thing, that's f*cked up and things need to change, but a once a day wanking is basically the same as taking a dump. Who cares? If a woman has self esteem or trust issues, that's the woman's problem, not the man's. Porn is just a cliched outlet for some women to attack. There, I said it, it needed to be said. I'll get s*** on for that, I'm sure, but it's true in many cases.

 

If a woman can't handle a guy watching porn a few times a week to pleasure himself, then that's the woman's problem. Not the guy's. Find a new guy who feels the same way you do about porn if you're so damn upset about it.

 

My car was towed today and I had to shell out almost $200 for it so excuse me if I seem to be a bastard.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

Of course it's nothing to end a relationship over, but to me, if I was with a girl who wanted me to end porn watching for the rest of time, I'd have to tell her, "Okay. Stop shopping." I wouldn't want someone who wants to change me. I'd want someone who's confident enough to say, "Well, he watches porn. Interesting. Anyways..."

 

If it's a 24/7 habit, then yeah, there are big time problems going on, but if it's a once a day thing, good GOD, so the hell what?

 

Why are women so damn threatened by this? I'll just never understand it, just as women won't understand our side of it either.

 

 

These days I'm convinced it mostly has to do with sexual power/control in the relationship. If he can't watch porn he'll be less likely to masturbate and later on more frustrated and perhaps more pliable to her charms and wishes. However, I've become very cynical (and no, I know not all women are manipulative like that). I can see where it can hurt a person's feelings but I wouldn't have a problem with it unless was truly getting in the way of the relationship.

 

Phelly, I don't really need porn or stories to masturbate and rarely use it except to fuel fantasies later on in my imagination.

 

 

If a woman can't handle a guy watching porn a few times a week to pleasure himself, then that's the woman's problem. Not the guy's. Find a new guy who feels the same way you do about porn if you're so damn upset about it.

 

My car was towed today and I had to shell out almost $200 for it so excuse me if I seem to be a bastard.

 

Ouch. That kind of crappy day eh?

[faux]

Wow. I only want one special person right now. I'm a 22 year old man and by your boyfriend's logic I should want every decent looking girl that comes by. I do look at porn on occasion, but it is to relieve sexual tension when I am alone. Most of the time I just fantasize in my head anyway.

 

I don't think it is right for him to say that it "helps him remain faithful". Nobody NEEDS porn. I don't think it's wrong to view porn, but how he went about things it is obviously hurting you and he isn't trying to help alleviate the pain. Additionally, what he said is hurtful and inconsiderate.

[moimeme]

I'll just never understand it, just as women won't understand our side of it either.

 

Make that 'some', 'many', or maybe even 'most' women - just don't be thinking it's ALL women

 

I get it because I do the same. Look at a few pics, think 'gee, that'd be fun to do' and ta da. I most definitely do NOT want the people in the pics. Ever. At all. The pics or stories are just a reminder of interesting things one could be doing were one in a position to be doing things with a someone. Sometimes the someone's in the house but unavailable or tired or ill or sometimes the someone's not around. As long as you have sufficient recovery powers to be on deck when the someone is around and available, no harm's done.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Confused123

interesting dyemaker... I like can def see the correlation. However, porn seems to harm alot more relationships then an innccent conversation two women exchange about shoes...

Actually, porn doesn't harm relationships. Similairly, planes don't cause terrorism. Do you get what I'm saying?

 

Originally posted by johan

Any guy who puts porn between himself and his woman is a total idiot.

WHO created that dichotomy? Certainly not the man. I think we should call a spade a spade, and not let either side circumvent communication.

[Confused123]

Dyemaker:

 

I do understand what you are saying. There ar emany variable that affect a person react to there SO looking at porn... Your point is a good one... This porn battle is just endless. There is really no solution, some women like it some women don't, some men watch it, some men could care less. I happen to be with someone who likes it. It was a bit of a battle at the beginning, but I don't care anymore. Cause, it doesn't effect our sex life. If anything, he has kinda open me up to some new things... But, I don't think I will ever be a 100% about it... However, I don;t let it effect our relationship anymore.. I have come to accept that it has nothing to do with me, that it is just his escape and who am I to take that away.. I know where his heart is, that is all that matters...

[tigress1126]

Hmmm, for me it really is not the actual porn, I watch it myself on occassion, and have a few of my own videos. And as for masterbation, I have never even thought of caring about him masterbating. I only am hurt when it comes to the viewing of perfectly airbrushed pictures and NOT masterbating. He would download hundreds of pics just to look at his variety b/c he is not happy viewing just one woman naked and what have you. His comments hurt me soooo much into thinking I was not enough for him and he NEEDED this other activity. It WAS affecting our sex life as he ALWAYS turned me down, saying it was the only leverage he has against me and he has to keep me wanting him. I told him he is only hurting my self esteem and making me NOT want to pleasure him. I mean for Christs sake, I try to give him a BJ and he pushes me away CONSTANTLY making excuses. It is not like I wanted him to pleasure me, I just wanted to do it to him!!!! Something is NOT right here! Since he had his mags taken away and he is not downloading pics anymore, he HAS been more physical, so how can I not directly link it to to porn pics of these women, who although I am extremely attractive, can not compete with? I told him to keep all his DVD's as I do not mind him watching porn, or sex acts, those women are not perfect and at least it is an act.

 

The thing that hurts though is WHY he looks at these pics and does NOT masterbate!!! I wish he would just use it as a masterbating tool, but him not is almost like a slap in the face, like I am not attractive enough or satisfying enough.

[Confused123]

It sound slike your husband is being very selfish. If my man turned me down and then looked at naked pics of women (masterbated or not), I would not say with him. My own sexual satifaction is a BIG concern with me... And it should be for you to. Don't say you are just trying to please him, what about you? You husband should want to keep you happy. It is key to maintaining a healthy relationship together, you need to BOTH be satifed. Son't put your needs below you husbands, keep them on equal grounds...

[tigress1126]

My point was that, I am actually happy and satisfied with just satisfying him and watching him get off at times. So I dont know why he would prefer to be with his porn ladies for "quick release" or in his case just gawking at, when I can quick release and he can look at my boobies all he wants!!!! That is where the inadequacies about porn come into play. Be more physical with me and let me touch you and such and maybe porn viewing would not be a big deal to most. Although now I think I will prolly never like him just looking at pictures! The videos are cool though!