Bigbot Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) Hi Everyone, New around here. Normally would not do something like this, but I have been reading a lot and seeking out support and guidance from friends, clergy and counselling. I ma not saying that my wife and I had a perfect marriage for the last 9 years, because we did not, but I thought it was atleast happier than what I have been told. Her issues with me are basically do to my mood swings (never violent), and my personality trait (Dead Sea according to Gary Chapman - 5 Love Languages). I did not know how to express emotions to my wife and kids, but I am learning how to do this. She has felt over the years that I emotional abused her, while my counselor and clergy have said I did not do this. I was dealing with my emotions through silence and there was nothing wrong with that, as long as I would come out when I was ready. I always did and 95% of the time it was in the middle of the night when we were in bed sleeping. My issues with her were few, but the biggest 1 was her relationship with my former best friend and best man at our wedding. She has always stated ity was just friendship, that he could listen to her and she could listen to him (he had issues). However I did not trust him any longer and knew he had alterior motives. There came a point when he expressed love to her and she denied him and put him in place (so I have been told). However she maintains that she cannot abandon a friend who needs help, and cannot cut off a firend like i can. I feel she puts friendship above us. I do believe her in my heart nothing has happened, however my mind takes over and says hey look what could have been happening. For the first week she asked me to leave, I stayed with my parents and took sick leave from work. I came back to work and spent a night in a hotel but now am living with a former boss for this week. On the weekend I will return to my parents house (2 hours away) and come back to work on Monday while staying with a co-worker for a couple of days. At that point I will be on vacation for a week and a half, however this vacation is to be with my oldest child (5) and wife as we are going to disney. How can I cope on this vacation???? I have tried to talk to my wife, all I get from her is how much I have hurt her and I can never know what that feels like. I have hurt the children because of my lack of emotions and I do regret this deeply, on the night she asked me to leave my oldest asked me where I was going. In the heat I said mommy asked daddy to leave. I have since told her, that it has nothing to do with her and that we both lover her very much and mommy and daddy need to work things out. She is also saying, at this point in time, she is feeling that it is over between us. There is a small part that does not know. How do I cope with a response like this?? I so desperately want couples counselling, but she says shes not ready and needs to help herself through individual counselling first. We both are going to counselling now. Everyone that I have spoke to (firneds, mentors, clergy, counselor, grief counselor) have all said we need couples counselling right away, we should be going at the same time as our individual sessions. We need to get everything out an once if we want to fix this. She does not see this. My counselor recommended the 5 love languages book, and I read it within 2 days and am starting to read it again. I feel everythig in this book is about my wife and I, we just do not understand how each one receives and gives love to each other. I bought her a copy and told her that my counselor recommended this to me, and I thought she might like to read it as well. She took it, but I have no idea if she is reading it. My biggest concern is, that once we come back from Disney, she will say thanks for the trip for our duaghter now were done. What do I do???? Edited September 22, 2011 by Bigbot Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigbot Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Thought I might have had some response by now. I wrote my wife another letter (9 pages) telling her about my memories and dreams for us. I can only hope that she remembers as I do and feels as I do. I know she is hurt and confused, and at times lashes out at me. I don't blame her one bit. I know she doesn't mean it. Our conversations are getting a little better, I asked her to let me come back home after our trip. She did not say No right away, nor did she say yes. I asked her to think about it and she agreed. I hate to say it, but I will be coming home regardless of what she says. By our return from Disney I will have been away from home for 1 month. I let her know I can stay in the basement and respect her 'space" I can shower and have my clothes downstairs. Our only common room need be the kitchen. Of course the children's room is always a go for either 1 of us. I can only hope, that her anger is starting to wain and she can see a little more clearly that we need counselling individually and couples. Only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 It honestly seems, from what you've said, that your wife is infact, too close to your (ex) best man/friend. She's putting ALL the blame onto you, why the marriage fell apart, how you did or didn't do this or that. I assume this guy is around, helping her through this difficult time? Anyway, all I can say, at least for now, focus on you and your kids. As painful and awful as you feel, your wife has her mind made up. Work on you, seek some counseling to help you cope and also do the counselling to help work on your own issues (communication, opening up and not hiding behind a wall, being more visible and speak up with emotion, hope that makes sense of how I worded this..).. Go on that vacation and have fun. Make it ALL about your kids. Don't even TRY or bother having an intimate or fix this conversation with your wife. Maybe, just maybe, if she sees you in a different light, sees that you're working on you, not pushing her, in time she'll want you back. Though, my mind still is thinking there's more going on with this guy.. She's defensive and protective of that friendship, big red flag! Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I'm sorry, I don't have any solutions for you. I do think that you need to respect your wife's wishes and if she doesn't want you back at the house, it will antagonise her if you go against that. She opened herself up emotionally to the friend. By placing that relationship above yours, it's a clear signal (to me) that the emotional connection between the two of you has broken. Whether it can be fixed or not, I don't know. It's probably taken some time for it to get like this and it will take some time for it heal. If she's not willing to go to couples counselling, I don't think you can force her. Now that you are more aware about how your actions may have contributed to the situation, I think that all you can do is remain patient and consistent in your actions - show her that you are serious about working on your marriage. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigbot Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Thanks for the input. As to more going on, I cant really say for sure. I know that she does not have the time to be seeing him outside our lives. He lives almost 2 hours away in my home town. It would be pretty obvious and someone would have seen her and told my parents or me. I only believe it is emotional at this time. She has always been up front when I have asked her and her reply was always no nothing is going on between us, he's just a friend. Both our parents have also asked her to her face about this and was given the same response. My wife is not the type of person who lies or can lie especially to her mother. I think, I have just overeacted to the entire situation and have made this a major rift between us. However she is also to blame because she knows how I feel regarding the friendship. I will go on the trip and have a great time with my daughter. I know I shuold not bring up our relationship, but im certain it will come out from 1 of us. I am hoping that the Disney trip will be "magical" and we can realize that we both still do love each other very much and we can work these issues out. My counselling has been going great, The book I have read (2 times now) has been remarkable in getting me to see things in a different perspective. I honestly believe that a major part of our problems is that we just never understood how we told each other "I love you" I am hoping she will read the book this weekend as she is taking the kids up to her parents. I am heading out to have supper with my daughters shortly. I will give the letter to my wife to read while she stays at home and I am out with the kids. I am sure, she will be crying while reading it. I hope and pray that the cracks are finally starting to appear. Our firends out west have been in constant contact with us both and are trying to help my wife see what is truly going on. Hopefully she will open her eyes sooner than later. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Whatever you do, DON"T move out of the house. If you being in the basement isn't enough "space" for her, tell her you'll help her pack her bags. If you move out, you may well get your ass handed to you on any forthcoming custody or house possession issues. Besides, she's the one with the problem. Fairness dictates that if anyone goes, it's her. Let her go: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3622734#post3622734 Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Yes. Agreed. Do not leave the house. It can be taken as abandonment and can be used against you. Link to post Share on other sites
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