Was I emotionally abused ?

[Buttercup84]

Hi ,

 

I'm just really confused. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me three months ago. I'm 27 and he is 31 , we lived together . It started off great , he was romantic , sweet , looked after me and treated me like a princess . He spike of marriage , and babies .

 

Well I was a bit mean towards him , I was scared of getting hurt . I just didn't help out much and bit moody . I had to have a termination ( long story ) and we were engaged . He broke off our engagement because I broke his heart with the abortion . It was the most painful thing I had to do , I mean emotionally . I hated how I hurt him .

 

 

But I never cheated , I started to help out more , I tried really hard to be a good girlfriend . But he had a temper , loved to hunt , and would often joke about shooting people he didn't like . Mostly racially motivated .

 

He became cold and distant , would get upset if I left a few tiny specks of food on the plates after washing , to the point when he said he wanted to dump me because of it. He said he was embarrassed of having dinner in public with me , as I hardly finished my meals . He said it made him angry .

 

 

Once he called me a ****ing retard after I asked a question and he got angry that I forgot he told me already . He would criticize the way I did things , was controlling , would refuse sex a lot , had a dating profile on stand by the entire time , wanted to move 3 times to another city. , but changed his mind . I could just tag along .

 

He even made me call the police once after our neighbors real estate agent came up while I was alone as my bf made a complaint againt our neighbours . My ex got me to call the police , saying to me if I don't I'm against him . I was scared of my bf a bit and cried down the phone .

 

He was so sweet too , buying me gifts and bring nice to my friends and family . He did some other not so nice things , he told our agent to **** off , spoke badly about me to his friends . I once sent him a cleavage shot on his phone when he was working late. he showed it to a friend and when I got upset he got so angry .

 

 

He was concerned about me when he dumped me , wanted me to be happy. I feel like if he was still in love with me he wouldn't have treated me like that. He said I brought the worse out of him , and I did , otherwise he would be different . I feel like this is all my fault .

[fallenheart]

As far as I can tell....no. You were not abused.

 

Was he kind of an *******? Yeah. Sounds like it.

 

Did he ABUSE you? Not as far as I can see.

 

Just my opinion though....take it or leave it.

 

As far as I can tell, the whole abortion thing seems to be where he lost his mind. He was sweet and loving up to that point, and kind of a dick afterward. So I guess that was what changed him into a prick.

[carhill]

He handled his resentment of you in an immature way, IMO. He should have confronted the issues directly at the time they occurred and resolved them. His passive-aggressive behaviors subsequent could be termed abusive; the person receiving them is usually the best determiner of that.

 

By your description, your behaviors weren't beyond reproach. I hope you learned from the experience. Being 'mean' and 'moody' can be abusive. Just because the recipient is a man doesn't mean he's a robot and feels nothing. Keep that in mind for the next time. Good luck.

[Mack05]

As far as I can tell....no. You were not abused.

 

Was he kind of an *******? Yeah. Sounds like it.

 

Did he ABUSE you? Not as far as I can see.

 

Just my opinion though....take it or leave it.

 

As far as I can tell, the whole abortion thing seems to be where he lost his mind. He was sweet and loving up to that point, and kind of a dick afterward. So I guess that was what changed him into a prick.

 

Fu cking nonsense...If Fallenheart bothered to read all your posts it is beyond obvious, u were seriously emotionally and verbally abused..

[KathyM]

Sounds like he has an abusive side to him. Sounds like he is very controlling of you and vents his anger on you. Abusers like to blame their actions on their victim, and will often claim that their victim causes them to behave badly, and that if you weren't so (fill in the blank), he'd be better to you. They also can be charming and sweet when they want to be, but their abusive side will always come out eventually. Their sweet side keeps you in the relationship, and their abusive side makes you wonder why you put up with that. It's a Jeckle and Hyde personality. Consider it a good thing that you are no longer with him. He does sound like an abuser, and fits the profile of one.

[january2011]

Yes, I do think you were emotionally abused.

 

For what it's worth, I'm sorry you went through everything that you went through including the abortion. However, I am glad that he dumped you, not because he hurt you by doing so but because you got out of there alive. I think that you should have dumped him a long time ago but suspect that you did not have the strength. I suspect he took that from you. If you had continued in this situation then I would have feared for your life. I would have feared for the life of the child that you might have had with him.

 

I've come across a guy like this before and it took him going to jail before his wife could pluck up the courage to divorce him and take her four kids with her. He took a vibrant young woman who had a great career, brought her to a different country away from her friends and family, pressured her into having children and then stripped her of her dignity and self-respect. He took all the money she earned from her part-time job and used it to gamble on the stock market. She told me that he once made her kneel in front of him and the children and apologise to him for being a bad person. She did what she had to because she thought that it would make her more accepted into his family. He made her believe that his behaviour and her life was normal. His family enabled his controlling behaviour, his narcissism and his anger management issues because he was the eldest son in the generation and "family was higher than God" - or so I was told. And this was even after he had his parents and wife cowering in a locked bedroom while he rained blows on the door. He brainwashed her and whilst he was in jail, it was wonderful to see her slowly regain her independence became the strong-minded and independent woman she once was. The woman that he had almost broken.

 

Please recognise that you do not have to put up with the kind of behaviour that you put up with. That you deserve to be with someone who can treat you with kindness and respect. That what he did to you was not kindess and respect. Please do not create a pattern of seeking relationships with abusive and controlling men. Recognise that you may have boundary issues. Please do not blame yourself. He was like that before you met him and he will be like that after you are long gone. You did not 'make' him into anything nor did you 'bring it out' in him. Every time he treated you badly, he chose those actions all on his own. You cannot help him. He needs to seek help for himself. All you can do is look after you and be thankful that you've been given this new life.

 

Try this exercise when you have a moment: do you have a photo of yourself when you were a little child? When you were really happy and smiling? Look at that little child. What do you think that little child deserves? What do you think her hopes and dreams are? What kind of life do you think she deserves to live? It's your job to look after that little child and make her dreams come true. Her happiness and wellbeing come first right now before anyone else's.

 

I'm sorry this turned out to be a long post. I hope that it has helped in some small way.

 

Edit: RE that quote from the Holiday in your signature - It's one of my favourite parts in a movie that people normally dismiss as a holiday chick flick. I'm glad that you have it to remind you that you are the leading lady of your life. There are people who care very much about your story. You do not flit in and out of the scenes only to give advice or be a shoulder to cry on. We, the audience, want to see more of you and see you develop that gumption.

Edited September 24, 2011 by january2011

[c0nfuzd]

Buttercup, yes you were...when something does not go a man's way, there are proper and improper ways of dealing with it

 

his ways were improper and abusive

[Buttercup84]

As far as I can tell....no. You were not abused.

 

Was he kind of an *******? Yeah. Sounds like it.

 

Did he ABUSE you? Not as far as I can see.

 

Just my opinion though....take it or leave it.

 

As far as I can tell, the whole abortion thing seems to be where he lost his mind. He was sweet and loving up to that point, and kind of a dick afterward. So I guess that was what changed him into a prick.

 

Well yes I hurt him with the abortion but I was just as hurt.But that is no reason to call me a ****ing retard and make me feel scared.

[Buttercup84]

Yes, I do think you were emotionally abused.

 

For what it's worth, I'm sorry you went through everything that you went through including the abortion. However, I am glad that he dumped you, not because he hurt you by doing so but because you got out of there alive. I think that you should have dumped him a long time ago but suspect that you did not have the strength. I suspect he took that from you. If you had continued in this situation then I would have feared for your life. I would have feared for the life of the child that you might have had with him.

 

I've come across a guy like this before and it took him going to jail before his wife could pluck up the courage to divorce him and take her four kids with her. He took a vibrant young woman who had a great career, brought her to a different country away from her friends and family, pressured her into having children and then stripped her of her dignity and self-respect. He took all the money she earned from her part-time job and used it to gamble on the stock market. She told me that he once made her kneel in front of him and the children and apologise to him for being a bad person. She did what she had to because she thought that it would make her more accepted into his family. He made her believe that his behaviour and her life was normal. His family enabled his controlling behaviour, his narcissism and his anger management issues because he was the eldest son in the generation and "family was higher than God" - or so I was told. And this was even after he had his parents and wife cowering in a locked bedroom while he rained blows on the door. He brainwashed her and whilst he was in jail, it was wonderful to see her slowly regain her independence became the strong-minded and independent woman she once was. The woman that he had almost broken.

 

Please recognise that you do not have to put up with the kind of behaviour that you put up with. That you deserve to be with someone who can treat you with kindness and respect. That what he did to you was not kindess and respect. Please do not create a pattern of seeking relationships with abusive and controlling men. Recognise that you may have boundary issues. Please do not blame yourself. He was like that before you met him and he will be like that after you are long gone. You did not 'make' him into anything nor did you 'bring it out' in him. Every time he treated you badly, he chose those actions all on his own. You cannot help him. He needs to seek help for himself. All you can do is look after you and be thankful that you've been given this new life.

 

Try this exercise when you have a moment: do you have a photo of yourself when you were a little child? When you were really happy and smiling? Look at that little child. What do you think that little child deserves? What do you think her hopes and dreams are? What kind of life do you think she deserves to live? It's your job to look after that little child and make her dreams come true. Her happiness and wellbeing come first right now before anyone else's.

 

I'm sorry this turned out to be a long post. I hope that it has helped in some small way.

 

Edit: RE that quote from the Holiday in your signature - It's one of my favourite parts in a movie that people normally dismiss as a holiday chick flick. I'm glad that you have it to remind you that you are the leading lady of your life. There are people who care very much about your story. You do not flit in and out of the scenes only to give advice or be a shoulder to cry on. We, the audience, want to see more of you and see you develop that gumption.

 

 

Sorry for the late response.Your comment made me cry, not in a bad way but thank you so much it helped me xx