In a word....Pathetic

[Bruised Not Broken]

Well, I'm new here. A bit about my situation. I was with a guy for a little over a year. At the end, He went on a "solo" vacation...I knew the day he left, or actually the day he booked it, that it was the end of us. I don't think he went "with" someone...but I had no doubt he would likely meet someone. Let me explain. He was in a 15 year relationship before me. We met and it was kinda whirlwind. We fell into a "committed relationship" quite quickly. In essence, I was his "rebound". We had a very adventurous sex life...and he really enjoyed that....and decided he needed to just have a lot of "new experiences". That is his way of saying he wanted to play the field and have sex with lots of other women. He hoped I could go through that 'with him' and be okay with it. REALLY?!?!?! He had lied to me repeatedly, cheated on me, was sneaky and manipulative....but I forgave it all and still love him (yes...I know you are rolling your eyes and saying "MORON") But anyway, when he decided to go on this trip, I knew what it was partially about. The rest was to get his head on straight. So he came home, and we were excitedly talking about seeing each other the next day....and come the next day he dumped me. That was almost 4 months ago.

 

I spent 2.5 months trying to get him back. I begged....and was, in a word, pathetic. Then, when that wasn't working, I went on a mission to keep him as a friend. Convinced him I was "over" the break up and friends was great. I did a great job of convincing him and he finally said he really wanted to be friends, but just wanted to make sure that the wounds had healed. (so big of him right?) He believed they had (mine that is...he had none) So he started treating me like his friend. Well, I'm sure you will all be shocked to discover that shredded me like grated cheese. Instead of "Hi honey" I got "hey what's up" Instead of "I love you" it was "okay catch you later". OUCH. So, finally I told him I was wrong, he was right, and being friends was not good for me. The wounds hadn't healed and I was sorry, but he got what he wanted...to get out of a romantic relationship with me...and now I had to get what I needed, which was him out of my life. I would never be okay again if he was still there. Let's face it...if he is "doing good" it hurts that he is happy without me. If he is doing bad, I am sad I'm not there to support him. Nothing he said was going to make me happy. his response was "well, I"m sorry you feel that way...things aren't good for me I have XYZ" a health problem. Of course I start to worry about him. (He told me repeatedly throught out relationship that no one, not his ex wife, not his ex g/fs and not his mother that had walked out on him as a child had ever cared about him like I did...his words, not mine) He knew that a health issue would keep me checking on him. He is manipulative if nothing else. So, for a few days I kept in contact and finally I realized I needed to worry about MY health. In the last 3 months I had lost 20 lbs (okay...so I needed to lose 10) I couldn't sleep couldn't eat couldn't (still can't) focus on the responsibilities in my own life. So I blocked his number, I deleted my email account and I decided that NC was what I had to do. Now, he has my work number and my work email, but he knew my other actions meant I was serious, so he will respect that. Anyone want to bet whether or not I log in at work every day and hope he emailed me?? I even check my spam box. Nada. I know that is good...but it hurts every time I check.

 

I know he has started dating...actually girls he was "flirting with" before he met me...and knowing him, he was probably still doing it while with me. But, it doesn't stop me from hurting like someone reached through my ribs and yanked my heart out. How could he just be "fine" with not having me in his life?? I feel so replaceable. So used and honestly...so pathetic.

I read a post on here about why never to contact your ex and it was not only humorous, but very thought provoking. I only hope it's right...I hope that this NC will help me move on and one day I will actually stop thinking about him and his life without me. I hope one day soon I will stop hoping he misses me. He treated me poorly in his own way...lying cheating manipulating.... no one treated him as kind and loving as I did....HIS WORDS....so I deserve better...don't I? Sometimes I wonder. Ultimately he blamed leaving me on me not trusting him. Said I was too negative in the end. Why?: Because he admitted to lying cheating and sneaking around. I trusted him implicitly until then. After that I could never feel secure. I always wondered where he was...who he was texting...who he was on the phone with. (and believe me...I caught him on the phone and texting with the exact women he had already lied to me about....so, it's not like I was looney tunes...I was reacting to the facts) I had tried to break up several times when he did these things...and he begged and plead and promised to make me stay....and then he doesn't like being called out on things and DUMPS ME!!!!

There are days I don't even want to wake up. But a poster on here said if you think this problem is so bad, go to a cancer ward and tell someone getting ready to take a dirt nap how horrible your problem is. That really put it in perspective. My broken heart will heal.....I HOPE.

 

Thanks for listening. My friends and family are sick of it. But, I'm not done venting about it...not just yet...so figured I'd give this a shot.

[Thieves]

Despite how horrible and painful things seem right now, I'm glad you posted, B'N'B. Venting does help, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. Helps to purge out all your thoughts 'on paper' so you can really go back later on and put things into perspective.

 

I'll tell you right now, don't ever feel guilty for someone who accuses you of not trusting them after they've explicity broken that trust, and you've caught them red-handed. Honestly, they'd be looney themselves to think that things can just go right back to what they were before. That's very unrealisitic. It takes a lot of time to build that trust back up and, while you weren't in the right if you were completely overbearing with insecurity and asking him questions, he should understand that. He didn't, and you found he was still being untrustworthy, so he dumped you. My guess is he didn't want to put the effort in to make you trust him again. That's his fault, not yours.

 

While I do feel for him as far as his health problem, why did he not mention it until now - when you were basically saying you wanted to be out of his life for good? Why did he not explain his health problem when things were going alright in the relationship, when you still trusted him? Health problems are a touchy subject, but the fact that he only revealed it when he was about to completely lose you is what tells me that, yeah, he was potentially being manipulative about it. Even if he didn't realise it.

 

Feeling 'pathetic' or not worthy, while not very good for the self-esteem and not fun to go through, is a small part of breaking up with someone. But it's not a good stage to stay in for long. To be honest, I don't see how much longer you could've kept this relationship going. All the signs that it was bound to fall apart were there, and most of them - if not all of them - fall on him. Not you. It's possible that, since you were the one person who treated him the best, he didn't know what to do with himself.

 

Some people go through so much crap in their lives and get used to not really being loved, that when they find themselves in a good loving situation, they get kind of confused. Because it's 'unknown'. But listen, not to be cold, but that's not your fault either. He didn't learn to cherish you or hold onto you like he should've, and so he'll deal with the consequences: no more you. And don't think for a second that you're 'replaceable'. He could be rebounding like no tomorrow, but it doesn't mean he isn't regretting his choices. His choice to treat you bad, and to dump you over something petty. You never know. Will he have too much pride to ever admit it? Maybe. Most dumpers do.

Edited September 22, 2011 by Thieves

[Bruised Not Broken]

Despite how horrible and painful things seem right now, I'm glad you posted, B'N'B. Venting does help, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. Helps to purge out all your thoughts 'on paper' so you can really go back later on and put things into perspective.

 

I'll tell you right now, don't ever feel guilty for someone who accuses you of not trusting them after they've explicity broken that trust, and you've caught them red-handed. Honestly, they'd be looney themselves to think that things can just go right back to what they were before. That's very unrealisitic. It takes a lot of time to build that trust back up and, while you weren't in the right if you were completely overbearing with insecurity and asking him questions, he should understand that. He didn't, and you found he was still being untrustworthy, so he dumped you. My guess is he didn't want to put the effort in to make you trust him again. That's his fault, not yours.

 

While I do feel for him as far as his health problem, why did he not mention it until now - when you were basically saying you wanted to be out of his life for good? Why did he not explain his health problem when things were going alright in the relationship, when you still trusted him? Health problems are a touchy subject, but the fact that he only revealed it when he was about to completely lose you is what tells me that, yeah, he was potentially being manipulative about it. Even if he didn't realise it.

 

Feeling 'pathetic' or not worthy, while not very good for the self-esteem and not fun to go through, is a small part of breaking up with someone. But it's not a good stage to stay in for long. To be honest, I don't see how much longer you could've kept this relationship going. All the signs that it was bound to fall apart were there, and most of them - if not all of them - fall on him. Not you. It's possible that, since you were the one person who treated him the best, he didn't know what to do with himself.

 

Some people go through so much crap in their lives and get used to not really being loved, that when they find themselves in a good loving situation, they get kind of confused. Because it's 'unknown'. But listen, not to be cold, but that's not your fault either. He didn't learn to cherish you or hold onto you like he should've, and so he'll deal with the consequences: no more you. And don't think for a second that you're 'replaceable'. He could be rebounding like no tomorrow, but it doesn't mean he isn't regretting his choices. His choice to treat you bad, and to dump you over something petty. You never know. Will he have too much pride to ever admit it? Maybe. Most dumpers do.

 

Thieves, Thank you so much. Your words were so helpful to me. Today has been SO hard. SO SO SO hard. I'm not sure why. But I have been anxious and fighting tears. Then I made a huge mistake...I did a FB fly by. We aren't friends, but I can see his friends list. And I got to see all the new women he is friends with. One if very sexy and young and it made me almost vomit. But...again, your words helped me take a deep breath and realize that it wasn't me. I know in my heart of hearts that is the truth. I would have crawled over hot coals for him...and I never wronged him. So I have to accept his choice and make a better one for myself.

 

Thank you.

[Thieves]

Thieves, Thank you so much. Your words were so helpful to me. Today has been SO hard. SO SO SO hard. I'm not sure why. But I have been anxious and fighting tears. Then I made a huge mistake...I did a FB fly by. We aren't friends, but I can see his friends list. And I got to see all the new women he is friends with. One if very sexy and young and it made me almost vomit. But...again, your words helped me take a deep breath and realize that it wasn't me. I know in my heart of hearts that is the truth. I would have crawled over hot coals for him...and I never wronged him. So I have to accept his choice and make a better one for myself.

 

Thank you.

 

You're very welcome! Anything to help. Geez, I know it sounds ridiculous, but really. Facebook is the worst thing to have during a break-up. Potentially even worse than the break-up itself, because then you still have access to that other person's business and their life in general. Again, I thank my lucky stars I'm not into FB. But really, you must stop these FB fly by's. They won't help you, never did, never will. So what if he has a sexy girl on his friends list? She probably doesn't know who he really is and what he's really like. If she did, do you think she'd still be there on his list? If she would, well... that says more about her than him. In any case, it's irrelevant to you now.

 

We all have hard days, I can so relate to you on that. I really can. And it's those kind of days that seem so much longer, like they'll never end, right? But they do, and we all pull through somehow. I know I did. It's still early, so you've still got a lot of healing to do, but try not to let him get you down much more. He's already done enough damage, why let him do more, you know?

[Bruised Not Broken]

You're very welcome! Anything to help. Geez, I know it sounds ridiculous, but really. Facebook is the worst thing to have during a break-up. Potentially even worse than the break-up itself, because then you still have access to that other person's business and their life in general. Again, I thank my lucky stars I'm not into FB. But really, you must stop these FB fly by's. They won't help you, never did, never will. So what if he has a sexy girl on his friends list? She probably doesn't know who he really is and what he's really like. If she did, do you think she'd still be there on his list? If she would, well... that says more about her than him. In any case, it's irrelevant to you now.

 

We all have hard days, I can so relate to you on that. I really can. And it's those kind of days that seem so much longer, like they'll never end, right? But they do, and we all pull through somehow. I know I did. It's still early, so you've still got a lot of healing to do, but try not to let him get you down much more. He's already done enough damage, why let him do more, you know?

Well, I just got offered a FABULOUS new job...one that I never would have applied for if he were in my life. Things happen for a reason right??? So, him dumping me will ultimately make me more money How's that for a bright side!!! Of course, my first instinct was to tell him...but I won't. There is no reason. I know he'd be proud of me...or say he was....but what will that do for me. NOTHING. So, everyone get a drink and let's celebrate the new phase of my life. Crappy day with a happy ending!!!!

 

(and I may have to take a vaca from FB...the fly bys are too tempting and destructive)

[green_tea]

Congratulations on the new job! I'm in a similar position, some good things have come out of someone treating me badly.. so I try to focus on those things. Although not doing so great today..

[Bruised Not Broken]

Congratulations on the new job! I'm in a similar position, some good things have come out of someone treating me badly.. so I try to focus on those things. Although not doing so great today..

 

Well, I had one of those days yesterday..and spent most of my day on here...it helped somewhat....knowing I wasn't alone. So, stick around here and keep your chin up. I am reminding myself that it's HIS LOSS. Remind yourself the same thing

[Thieves]

Well, I just got offered a FABULOUS new job...one that I never would have applied for if he were in my life. Things happen for a reason right??? So, him dumping me will ultimately make me more money How's that for a bright side!!! Of course, my first instinct was to tell him...but I won't. There is no reason. I know he'd be proud of me...or say he was....but what will that do for me. NOTHING. So, everyone get a drink and let's celebrate the new phase of my life. Crappy day with a happy ending!!!!

 

(and I may have to take a vaca from FB...the fly bys are too tempting and destructive)

 

Congrats on the new job! Pfft. Whether he's really proud of you or not, I am! That reminds me that I really need to start looking for that second job... Hm. And I actually would get a drink to celebrate if I could, but I'm all out of stock it seems. Tomorrow, though, I'll try to have one just for you.

 

Hm... That FB vacay sounds very, very nice too.

[Bruised Not Broken]

Thank you Thieves!!!! I'm excited myself. My life is totally moving FORWARD! Yaaay

[green_tea]

Well, I had one of those days yesterday..and spent most of my day on here...it helped somewhat....knowing I wasn't alone. So, stick around here and keep your chin up. I am reminding myself that it's HIS LOSS. Remind yourself the same thing

 

Thanks it does help knowing that others have gone through the same thing and doing better. You sound like you've made a lot of progress, even since your original post, so well done and keep moving forward!

[Bruised Not Broken]

Thanks it does help knowing that others have gone through the same thing and doing better. You sound like you've made a lot of progress, even since your original post, so well done and keep moving forward!

 

Well, Ups and Downs. Some times I'm good...sometimes can't stop crying. My advice to others is always what I KNOW I should be telling myself. NC was broken last night...and continued today...so I start again tomorrow. This time I'll break my record of 103 hours. I may have to sedate myself but I'll do it! )