Toxic Sister wants me to "Put up with" Nasty Behavior

[Shindig]

My older sister is very passive-aggressive. She has difficulty making decisions, it makes her uncomfortable, and often leave her decisions to fate or chance, rather than having to accept the finality of a decision. If someone makes the decision for her, she will often backtrack to try to undo the finality of that decision by either sulking or just by her actions.

 

This played out over trying to coordinate Thanksgiving plans. She committed to a plan (getting that was like pulling teeth). I rented the house we picked together. She changed her mind. I managed to get my security deposit back. She changed her mind again. Someone else had rented the house we had originally agreed upon. She blamed me for being "incompetent". I told her it would be helpful if she could work on her ability to make decisions and commit. She told me I just didn't understand her and that she deserved special treatment, especially from her own family: that we [of all people] *should* understand her and I'm ashamed to admit I've let this kind of behavior slide in the past, so I'm sure I'm sending her a confusing message now.

 

I guess the bottom line is that I love myself too much to put up with it. I know I can't change her and I don't think she wants to change. She took it personally when I refused to try and coordinate New Year's eve plans and I suppose it is personal. I told her she was welcome to join me, my other half and my friends but she didn't get a say in planning.

 

I still feel really bad about it and can't help but wonder if there's some part of the equation I'm not seeing. Is there anyone out there that has a relationship like this one? Tips and tricks for mediating everyone's needs? Recommended reading?

[ema3185]

My older sister is very passive-aggressive. She has difficulty making decisions, it makes her uncomfortable, and often leave her decisions to fate or chance, rather than having to accept the finality of a decision. If someone makes the decision for her, she will often backtrack to try to undo the finality of that decision by either sulking or just by her actions.

 

This played out over trying to coordinate Thanksgiving plans. She committed to a plan (getting that was like pulling teeth). I rented the house we picked together. She changed her mind. I managed to get my security deposit back. She changed her mind again. Someone else had rented the house we had originally agreed upon. She blamed me for being "incompetent". I told her it would be helpful if she could work on her ability to make decisions and commit. She told me I just didn't understand her and that she deserved special treatment, especially from her own family: that we [of all people] *should* understand her and I'm ashamed to admit I've let this kind of behavior slide in the past, so I'm sure I'm sending her a confusing message now.

 

I guess the bottom line is that I love myself too much to put up with it. I know I can't change her and I don't think she wants to change. She took it personally when I refused to try and coordinate New Year's eve plans and I suppose it is personal. I told her she was welcome to join me, my other half and my friends but she didn't get a say in planning.

 

I still feel really bad about it and can't help but wonder if there's some part of the equation I'm not seeing. Is there anyone out there that has a relationship like this one? Tips and tricks for mediating everyone's needs? Recommended reading?

 

Don't feel bad. Based on what you said and how you've described her, I would say it's best to make up your mind and go with that without giving her an option...if she wants to jump on board, she can...when she wants to jump off, she can. You shouldn't feel bad that she keeps your plans on a yo-yo. If this is consistently how she is then you should adapt to that in a way that makes you happy. You are family, and you love each other I'm sure, but if you know that she is a certain way don't give her to opportunity to be wishy washy. Do whatever you want to do and if she's down that's cool. But don't go out of your way to accommodate somebody that will at first say yes, make you spend money, then say no, then say yes again and then ultimately get mad at you for unfounded reasons. Tell her to grow up, if nobody has to wipe her butt for her than there is no reason she should be babied like that. Make decisions for her and if she doesn't like it than she needs to take a stand and make up her own mind...until then plan for whatever YOU want

[Lucky_One]

Any chance she is ADD? Inability to make decisions or being impulsive are big issues with that. Has she ever been evaluated for that?

[Shindig]

She was evaluated in college and no, she does not have ADD.

[Lucky_One]

Gotcha. Was curious; she sounds like a friend of mine who is MUCH better after she was evaluated and started coping mechanisms as well as some ADD med.

 

In that case, I agree with Ema. Simply make the plans, and invite your sister. The onus is on her to accept or decline. If she declines and you fill her "spot" with another family member or friend and your sister changes her mind, then that is too bad for the sister.

 

But I would definitely talk to her, maybe over a nice lunch somewhere, and explain that you aren't trying to be inflammatory or cruel, but that in order for your life to function smoothly and for you to make plans, decisions need to be made and held. And remind her that you love her - because if you if didn't, you wouldn't be worrying about this situation with her.

[Shindig]

They did diagnose her with dyslexia and she opted out of treatment. She leans on her dyslexia diagnosis to justify her behavior and insist she deserves special treatment.

 

The message here is that diagnosing her doesn't help me since she has to WANT to improve instead of using the information as a crutch.