Accepting and being happy with your life choices...and building self esteem

[Thinkalot]

I have been fighting very hard to overcome my insecurities, fears and so on when it comes to my current relationship, and life in general, and also to overcome my OCD which has seen me obsess and ruminate over the same things again and again. The main things- my bf's past, the differences between his past and mine, and his ex-wife. I'm not sure which came first...my tendency to obsess, or the insecurity coming from life experiences, my own low self-esteem and so on. Perhaps it is all wrapped up together.

 

My OCD (obsessing ) is now much better with the help of CBT and medication. Part of my therapy has been working to build my self esteem back up, and to banish my insecurities, by celebrating my own life experiences and achievements. Most of the time now, I do do that, and I truly am happy with the choices I have made, my achievements, and the choices I am currently making.

 

BUT, sometimes I need a nudge in the right direction and a self esteem boost! Old habits creep in. This is separate from an obsession as such, but obviously has a bearing on my tendency to obsess. The point of this post is to admit this, continue to build my own self esteem, and to hopefully gain valuable insights, and helpful reminders and reinforcement from others. I know the real change comes from within, but sometimes external sources help with that task.

 

So here are some details, and the background:

 

Basically, when I met my bf I was confident and secure in my life's choices ( I thought). But it seemed I was threatened by anyone who had experienced things differently to me. So when I realised my bf's past was very different to mine, I judged him, and looked down my nose on his experiences! That obviously was no good...so I started to try and embrace them...but it's like the scales tipped too far the other way...and I ended up questioning my OWN experiences and feeling insecure. It's almost like I began to overlook all I have done, and focussed only on the things he has done, that I haven't done! Then of course, i started to obsess about it all.

 

Examples: I focussed on school, uni and career and achieved major successes in that arena at a young age. As a result, I did not party a lot, and do other things uni students usually do. My guy was the opposite in that area.

 

-I also had strong moral beliefs, and used to be quite religious. Therefore I waited till I was nearly 22 to have sex. My guy had sex at 16.

 

-I dated lots of different people in my twenties, made some mistakes, and had some longterm relationships, and some time single, and travelled extensively, with little savings. I was also a bit of a loner and an individual, with no large circle of friends.

 

-My guy, in contrast, married young, and settled down in his early twenties, did little travel, and saved lots of money. He had a big social network, and more material possessions and so on.

 

Rather than embracing our differences and all my individual achievements, I started to feel inadequate, I constantly compared, and things which I had never even wanted in my twenties and younger (such as teenage sex, marriage, possessions) seemed to matter. I worried about the things I had NOT done. Then, I started to obsess about them all.

 

Now, as I said above, I am in a much better place! I again feel happy with my life, obsess much less,and have more confidence. But sometimes, I still worry, and compare, and look at what I have NOT done, rather than what I have done.

 

So, any insights, comments on building self-esteem, or perhaps even how you go about embracing your own unique life experiences, without worrying about anyone elses, or falling into the comparison trap?

 

Thanks. Sorry it took me so long to spit this out!

[sweetadeline]

moimeme, thanks for this post--i recognize myself in a lot of what you say. i too have always had a tendency to compare myself to others--and no matter what, i come up on the short end of that comparison. I'm getting better--aging helps--but i still have a long way to go (as my most recent ex pointed out when he broke up with me for being too insecure--that's another story). . . .

 

so i will be interested to hear what suggestions people have for improving self-esteem, as it's become clear to me that i need to accept myself much more than I do. One suggestion i've heard is mindfulness meditation, which can help one to see the patterns of self-judgment without getting caught up in them. Have you tried that at all?

 

anyway, again, thanks for raising an issue that's pertinent to many of us!

 

sweetadeline

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by sweetadeline

moimeme, thanks for this post

 

sweetadeline

 

Not sure what caused this mix-up, but I don't mind being mistaken for moimeme! She is (or appears) to be a calmer lady than me!

 

Thanks for responding anyhow...I also look forward to input...it can be a good reminder of healthy ways of thinking.

 

sweetadeline, I also have a list of positive affirmations up next to my bed, and they actually DO help. I've read some good books on the subject too. But the biggest thing, is really believing it yourself!

 

Part of my learning, has been accepting that my guy actually really really loves me for who I am...and that he is the happiest he has ever been (he tells me so often). I'm starting to believe it more now...but some days, I still can't believe it can be so! There are so many reasons why we become insecure...childhood, hurts in our life and so on, plus our genes and personality. I've examined them all I think! But in the end, the main thing, is loving myself.

[moimeme]

moimeme, thanks for this post

 

Appreciate the thanks, but it wasn't my post; it's Thinkalot's!

 

I don't know what to say to people who have to compare themselves to others. It makes no sense to me. Now, I understand obsessive thinking and that's outside one's control but if not afflicted by such a disorder, then what earthly use is comparing oneself? It's illogical, because others are only different, not better - or worse. Somehow, whatever bit of one's mind is persuaded that there is something to be gained by being 'best' needs to be persuaded that there has never been, nor never will be a 'best' human being or even a 'better' one.

 

It's kind of like deciding the best apple. Some are better for making sauce, some for pies, some for eating and there's one or two that are your favourites and one or two that are my favourites and they are likely not the same. But there's no such thing as a better or best apple. Now, if you overheard the apples comparing themselves to each other, you'd wonder what on earth they're on about, would you not?

[johan]

Maybe you can try to imagine meeting yourself. Would you want to hang out with you? You probably would. For one thing you'd definitely appreciate your sense of humor. Sometimes you'd be the only one who would 'get' you. You'd share a lot of interests. You'd probably really like yourself. You definitely wouldn't be as critical of yourself as you are. In fact, you probably actually do really like yourself. Maybe you could see that you have enough cool stuff going on that you really don't need to be so hard on yourself. Better yet, maybe you can figure that other people like you just as much, and they aren't critical of you at all. They even don't mind that you aren't perfect and never have been.

 

And how many lives can you live at once? One. I read through your accomplishments and think you've done a lot. It doesn't make sense that you would have done everything else, too. If you want to let loose a little, go ahead. Just don't get kicked by a roo.

 

And I've seen your picture. In terms of heart and beauty and brains, I think you must be better than 98% of the people in I've met. And you compare very favorably to 98% of the rest. 2% of 2% of the people I've met are better than you, though. Sorry.

 

You are so much like my girlfriend in a lot of ways. I know she feels like you do. The big difference between you and her is that you realize you have insecurities and you're brave enough to say it.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks moimeme for the apples analogy! LOL. Makes sense.

 

An interesting point here is, that my bf and I are now quite similar, despite the different paths we took to get where we are. We are both in successful jobs, we love nature and the outdoors and similar activities and lifestyle choices, and now we both love travel, we are saving money together, and we both like sitting at home, cosy together! We've blended our differences to make a more balanced picture. And in other ways too, where I was reserved with men when I was younger, I experimented with some (not much!) casual sex in my twenties and lots of dating, while my guy was already married and happy with the one woman at that time in his life.

 

So yes, differences, but not better or worse at all...and sometimes working to the same point.

 

And johan, thanks for the sweet kind words. I hope you and your girlfriend are going OK.

Now, show me that 2% of the 2% of people, and I bet I can show you how much better than them I am! ...just kiddin

[jlove421]

Thinkalot...it's amazing how you basically described my own situation. I didn't party that much and don't have a huge circle of friends. He did his partying and does have a group of friends. So this makes me insecure and jealous(i also wrote a post about my jealousy). I too am looking for ways to build my self esteem and to stop obsessing. I always obsess about his past. I do feel that if I did have a circle of friends, my issues and insecurities would be a lot different. But at my age (mid 20's) it's hard to make friends. I work with all older women, 38 and up. I see that someone recommended mindfulness meditation...I might try it.

[meanon]

Perhaps it is all wrapped up together.

 

When I read your first read your thread I did think that the issues you identified were exactly the same as the obsessional worries and wondered if it was a good idea to concentrate on them (as you would normally do with low self esteem) or avoid them (as you would with obsessional worries). I don't think there are any right or wrong answers, it varies from person to person but it may be worth bearing in mind. It does seem to have a very narrow range, in all other areas you seem very confident

 

Today I came across a new theory (unproven!) that as OCD often presents with another condition it may be a symptom rather than the root cause. Possibly a coping mechanism for dealing with the anxiety created by (for example) low self esteem.

[Thinkalot]

I sometimes wonder what causes what...its like the chicken and the egg. In any event..you're right..I am quite confident in SOME things. My counsellors at the start suggested it was a self-esteem issue, fear, trust issues and so on...then the obsessing became apparent to them, so the focus shifted. I do think they are linked together.

 

Sometimes I just find I need to go through to old self esteem exercises, as a sort of refresher! I think as a younger person I led a sheltered life, and the harsh realities of life kind of hit me hard in my twenties!

[sweetadeline]

first, sorry to have mixed up thinkalot and moimeme! the two of you are among my favorite posters, so i think i have you lumped into one category--the "cool, together people" one.

 

anyway, i really like johan's suggestion that it is possible to gain distance on the self-criticism by gaining distance on the self--that is, by imagining meeting oneself. that's very helpful.

 

i'd also love to hear about books, exercises, etc. that others have found useful, including good sources of affirmations. (was always skeptical of them in the past, but am willing to try them now.)

 

what's interesting to me, though, is that, as thinkalot and meanon say, we can be quite confident in some ways, but not in others. what might cause that? and how to address it?

 

anyway, for the person who was interested in mindfulness meditation, one classic on the subject is jon kabat-zinn's *wherever you go, there you are.* let me know if you want other recommendations.

 

sweetadeline

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by sweetadeline

first, sorry to have mixed up thinkalot and moimeme! the two of you are among my favorite posters, so i think i have you lumped into one category--the "cool, together people" one.

 

sweetadeline

 

Thanks for the compliment! Sometimes I don't feel all that together..LOL!

 

I've read some good books on self esteem, and also another useful one by Stephanie Dowrick, called "Intimacy and Solitude".

 

I meditate, both to Cds and home, and sometimes in a group...visualisation techniques and that sort of thing.

 

I think with the affirmations- they are the most powerful if you write your own individual ones, and say them a lot...look at them each morning and night.