Why are people always in DENIAL?

[eelloo]

So I have this really close friend named CoCo (fake name), that ive been friends with for over 5 years now, whom i love to death, but the problem is... I can't help but get mad at all the bad choices she makes. She is a very selfless and giving person, so its super aggravating to see her always sacrifice her happiness/well being for someone elses (generally her control freak parents) when she deserves so much better.

 

Its hard to just be a bystander knowing they are getting hurt because they aren't standing up for themselves, but what really are you supposed to do? I hate her parents so much, I despise them for the way they treat her, yet its sad because she is always defensive of them no matter what they do. Coco used to also cut herself, usually when her parents upset her. She also does so many things just to keep her parents happy and the peace at home. She is a good person, with a good heart, a good daughter and a considerate friend who always puts others before herself. She barely goes out (its gotten a little better with age tho), and when she does she still needs permission ( We are both 21 now), she doesn't do anything bad, cares about school/future and is always working. Here are a couple stories that completely outraged me as I knew how much it hurt her. All opinions appreciated!

 

When i first met her, 5-6 years ago, we were in 10th grade (15-16 y.o.) a group of friends from school made plans to go out since it was halloween night. I was getting ready when I got a call from her, sounding very upset, she told me she was not allowed to go anymore because he parents last min decided her plans for the night; that she should take her younger sister trick or treating with her friends.

 

Another incident she told me about, was how her parents scolded her for walking their dog without their permission at age either 15,16 or 17. She didnt get in really big trouble, but got reminded that she must ask for their permission ANYWHERE she goes.

 

In grade 11 now, one time Coco had her email account signed in and left her laptop to go somewhere. Her dad actually snooped thru her mail and found pictures of us drinking coolers for the first time, as well as her first time smoking weed. Yes, of course no parent would ever be HAPPY knowing their kids are smoking/drinking or whatnot, but kids are always going to be kids,(no she did not turn into a pothead or alchoholic) but snooping thru others' privacy?

 

One time, still 11th grade, there was a sleepover party at someones house and Coco asked her parents if she could go. This time, they let her, and I remebmer as we were leaving her front door her mom said "See how much I love you cause i'm letting you go!" ... I was actually mortified she would say such a thing. Is that how u define love?

 

One time we went to a christmas party(we were 17-18), her dad gave her a curfew to come home at 11. She got home at 11:15 and he immediately slapped her causing a bruise on her face. (control freak much? 15 mins does not deserve a slap)

 

In grade 12, we were 17-18, one of our friends were leaving to go to another country, we had all planned a farewell dinner for her. I was going to pick her up but she didnt pick up her phone, So i drove to her house and her mom opened the door, I asked her where Coco was cause we had to leave soon, her mom said in a superior tone "Im not letting CoCo go anymore because she didnt do the laundry and help me record my show!" And i was absolutely shocked, i told her.. "Well this is a farewell dinner for one of our friends that is moving, we won't be seeing for a really long time.." and Her mom, basically cutting me off "Well I know that but I don't care.... What about me?!!? I'm her MOM, and I told her she CANNOT go because she did not do what I asked of her" ( what about you? your show didnt get recorded boo hoo, Yeah cause u really are the queen of England) I was biting my tongue so badly I actually wanted to punch her mom out. That night CoCo ran away into a park and was crying

 

Grade 12 still, one day she came over to watch a movie and just hang out at my place, her dad told her he would call my home phone every HOUR to ensure that she was INSIDE my house and that we weren't out. HOW f***ING controlling IS THAT?!! ( we were good kids!!)

 

Then university comes, Her dad asked for a copy of her schedule so he knew when to expect her home. She always used to say she has to be back home by this time cause her dad knows her class is over... how creepy is that. In our 2nd year of school, we finished class, I had a car so i would drop her off home, we passed by Walmart and I said i needed to get my glasses fixed. We started looking at some other stuff in walmart, all of a sudden CoCo FREAKS OUT and drags behind all these clothes and makes me duck for cover! Then she told me that her mom and sister were here and we had to leave ASAP, and I asked why, and she said because she didn't tell her mom or dad she was going to be at walmart and they think shes on her way back from school. But.. we were coming back from school, I just had to stop to fix my glasses... but still, she was freaking out and dragged me running out of the store. When we got outside she was telling me how fast her heart was beating and how she almost had a heart attack from the fear or being caught. But really, caught doing what? Being inside a walmart without informing the parents of it? (what a f*cking crime eh?)

 

Another university incident, during reading week, she made plans to go to the mall with a friend, and when she went to ask her mother about it, her mother flat out said no. Her reason? b.c it is reading week and people should study during reading week. CoCo called her dad and asked him but he said that if her mom said no, then its a no. During the same week, Coco was in the kitchen about to go upstairs to study, and she grabbed her phone on the counter, her mom told her to leave it downstairs, she said no, her mom said no you must leave it down so it doesn't distract you, and Coco says no I want to bring it up with me anyway. Her mother, failing to control her daughter got mad and started a fight and blah blah blah, also threatened to take away her cell phone that Coco herself paid for, and told a stupid story of how her friend took away her sons car (that he didnt pay for) when he did something actually bad.

 

I asked Coco to come over one day and dye my hair for me, (3rd yr of uni now) she said she could after work at 3 but would tell her parents her shift ended at 5 so she could come help me. She lied to her parents b/c she said she had hmwk so her parents wud prolly force her to stay home, i thought it was stupid but w.e. She ended up getting booked for lying. They didnt like me after that b/c they thought i Influenced her to lie (when i told her to tell the truth) Sad b.c she only lied because of them possibly preventing her to go out for an hour.

 

 

The saddest incident to me was her 20th birthday. It was a day before her birthday and she made plans to come to my house to discuss which club we would go to/who to invite/etc etc. At 9pm she was about to come to my house when her mom said NO you may not. ( I forgot what her reason was or if she even had one) CoCo got really mad and insisted but either her mom or dad walked in front of the front door blocking her. so CoCo went to the back and climbed the fence and I came to pick her up, she was crying. They ruined her 20th so badly....what selfish people to cause ur daughter so much pain all bc she wouldn't listen to your commands on where she should and shouldn't go.

 

As much as she thinks "things got better with her parents" since her childhood to now, as a 3rd party observer, I would say it didn't. Sometimes her parents let her do things, like maybe, drink lots of beer with them, or laugh at her hangover, or let her stay out late once in awhile, she even is allowed to hv a bf now, she considers those instances of lienancy as significant examples of how her parents are changed! If your parents need to know everywhere you go, control whether u can go, and just the fact that you still need parental permission leave the house is enough of a sign that the bottomline is: you dont control when you go out, they do. Its just like someone used to cheat on you 12 times a year, and now they cut it down to once a year; are they still a cheater? Someone used to beat you every month, now they only beat you once every 6 months, are they still abusive? if youre parents used to let you out 5 times a year, and now they let you out 10 whole times a year, is that still them controlling you and how often you go out, even if it is now more frequent than it used to be?

 

She doesn't see any of this, all she sees is "improvement" and she is allowed to go out more often, "allowed" to have a boyfriend, allowed to do certain things. Why the hell do you need to be allowed when youre a grown legal adult? She says she only feels dumb when i put things like that, but she doesn't think its bad. think about it; you are old enough you can make your own choices, whether your parents allow you 90% of the time and deny you 10%, bottomline is that you still need PARENTAL PERMISSION. Someone cheats on you once a year, a significant decrease from when they cheated on you 12 times a year: THEY ARE STILL CHEATERS!!! ... just like her parents are still CONTROLLING. She always said she doesn't feel like she is at her mental age, she feels younger, she said she believes her socially awkward nature is due to her parents restricting her to hang out with friends when she was younger, she actually has slightly realized the damage of her parents but regardless she will always defend them. I don't doubt that they do love her, but despite all their love; they are STILL Controlling.

 

 

I have 3 questions I would really like to get peoples opinion about.

 

1) What would you do if you had her parents?

 

2) To what extent (name boundaries/examples) do you/have you let your parents control you, your choices and life? (current age or past age)

 

3) In your opinion, at what age should a parent let their child be their own person and make their own choices? And if a child is not given their freedom to do so after this age, what do you suppose would happen to them in the long run?

 

 

** IF YOU DON'T STAND UP FOR SOMETHING OR YOU'LL FALL FOR EVERYTHING**

[Nikki82]

I don't know why she is so easy on her parents... maybe a cultural thing? Maybe a guilt/obligation thing.

 

So how old are you guys now? Around 22? She just needs to be able to move out once she gets a job and place she can afford with you or another roommate. She needs to grow her savings account so that she will never have to rely on them again incase she ever loses her job or something.

 

I think maybe...maybe...once she is truly on her own, she will start to grow strong and put her foot down with them. How they have treated her throughout her childhood is outrageous. Pretty much abusive!