Is being nice a bad thing? If so, I'm screwed

[WordvAction]

And no, I don't mean in a doormat type of way. I mean after meeting someone a few times, asking how they're doing, and what they're up to? Most girls say I'm cute, but some say I'm too nice too fast for them by asking those things...

[AHardDaysNight]

No, and no you're not.

 

Your problem isn't that you're nice, it's that you're "nice." You're too passive, girls want someone fun and outgoing and that isn't you.

 

You can either wait around for someone who appreciates your passive self, or you can change. Either way, you're not screwed.

[Paper Roses]

I love, love, love nice men! So, over on this end, no, being nice is definitely not a bad thing. Some like those bad boys and they can have em.

 

Never forget, if you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.

[Rabid Ferret]

In my experience women don't want guys who just freely give them enough respect to care about what they are doing or how their day is going. It's like starting a game and being given the prizes without trying. They want to feel like they earned that attention. Otherwise they are just getting it for free because they have boobs.

 

Not saying that's the case with all women, but in general the average woman knows she can get attention if she wants it, and usually goes to her male friends ( see also: non-boyfriend material ) for it. When she's satisfied, she's off to try and conquer that wild guy who barely gives her the time of day.

 

You aren't screwed, but you may end up having to dial back the friendliness if you want a wider set of options.

 

I love, love, love nice men! So, over on this end, no, being nice is definitely not a bad thing. Some like those bad boys and they can have em.

 

Never forget, if you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.

 

What magical land is there where laughter is a way to a woman's heart? I've never had issues making my lady friends laugh. ( In fact it's not uncommon for me to actually stop joking because some of them can't breathe due to laughing so much. e_e ) And not a single one has been the slightest bit interested, and always went for the douchebag who treated them like they didn't matter at all.

Edited September 23, 2011 by Rabid Ferret

[january2011]

In my opinion, no. In and of itself, being nice is not a bad thing.

 

Being friendly is not a bad thing, if you are sincere and genuine. The girls in your peer group may be used to guys going all out and hitting on them. If they can't value your niceness and see you as potential relationship material then that's their loss. It sucks but if you're looking for something longer term, you might need to bide your time until you find someone who values your qualities rather than seeing them as a negative.

[AHardDaysNight]

Kindness really goes a long way.

 

If a girl didn't appreciate kindness, she really isn't the kind of girl that I would be wanting to date, anyway.

[runner]

kindness is actually in short supply in this world. please keep it up and tell the drama queens to leave you alone.

[WordvAction]

Thanks everyone for the responses. My main theory on this is that these girls think that I am desperate or something because I enjoy having conversations with them. Oddly enough, it's the ones I'm not interested in that say I'm too nice, although I have been rejected by my fair share of women I liked.

I also think confidence plays an enormous role, and that is something nice guys for the most part lack...I'm still a nice guy, but I lacked confidence in myself for a very long time. Still, sometimes I feel the nice guy stereotype trumps confidence in some women's minds.

 

And my third and final question, is the "He's the type I'd marry, but I'm looking to just have fun right now" something women actually believe, or is it just another way of rejecting a guy? I've heard this from two girls (one I was interested in and the other I was not) about me, and both say I'm a long term guy and that's not what they want right now (I'm 21). Call me crazy, but if I met a girl that was someone I thought I would marry, I wouldn't chance losing her now to some other guy for the sake of having short-term "fun". I've always believed that if you wanted something bad enough, you would do anything to get it.

 

Maybe I'll just never understand women...Lol

[january2011]

I've generally been relationship-oriented but it might be due to generational, cultural and geographical differences.

 

I'm sure that there are some women who are not or who are not right now though I tend to agree with you that if the right guy came along, of the women that I know, they'd change their mind and consider a long-term relationship.

 

I think that asking questions and doing research will be useful when you do get into a relationship, but it's worth bearing in mind that while there are some commonalities, your experience and relationship is likely to be unique. You'll make mistakes and hopefully you'll learn from them. In the meantime, you will craft a strategy that will work for you in your particular circumstances.

[Eve]

OP, keep doing what you are doing. One day the click will happen. I find that being nice is a good filter, as often dysfunctional types cannot accept free flowing, erm.. niceness. Watch those who try to redirect the flow.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[carhill]

OP, you're 21. This is normal. One thing I've noted over the decades with women is that they are generally more attracted to men they want to have conversations with than those they actually do have conversations with. The key to that attraction is the want. Give them everything they want and you become a loved and cherished platonic friend. Nothing wrong with that. Romance is a bit different. Learn to be friendly but with a bit of an 'edge' and some mystery. Definitely dial back care and empathy. They need to earn that, just as you work hard to earn theirs. You notice they're not calling you up to inquire about your day and gushing over your little successes, right? That's called 'good information'.

 

Enjoy your 20's. You'll never get that time back.

[GoodOnPaper]

And my third and final question, is the "He's the type I'd marry, but I'm looking to just have fun right now" something women actually believe, or is it just another way of rejecting a guy? I've heard this from two girls (one I was interested in and the other I was not) about me, and both say I'm a long term guy and that's not what they want right now (I'm 21). Call me crazy, but if I met a girl that was someone I thought I would marry, I wouldn't chance losing her now to some other guy for the sake of having short-term "fun". I've always believed that if you wanted something bad enough, you would do anything to get it.

 

I think they believe it AND it's another way of rejecting a guy. Personally, I think a lot of women -- especially younger ones -- have a type of madonna/whore outlook on guys that they adhere to very strongly. Even when I was as young as you, I never understood why "long-term" and "fun" couldn't be wrapped together -- as you're finding out, very few people your age have this viewpoint. It sucks to be thought of as an asexual "long-term guy". Keep an eye out for this vibe from girls early on -- this sounds backwards, but it may be a sign that you have a keeper if a girl thinks you are just as "fun" as a more stereotypical short-term guy would be.

[AHardDaysNight]

Personally, I'd rather wait around for a girl to come around and appreciate my niceness, than turn into some alpha douchebag that preys on their niceness.

 

I know I must not be the only one who feels that way.

[WordvAction]

@Carhill,

I agree with you 100% about making girls earn it. Asking them questions about their day and texting them daily to see how they're doing will land one in the friend zone if a physical move isn't made.

 

@AHardDaysNight,

I agree with you, except I'm not necessarily waiting for anyone to appreciate my kindness. I'm learning to put myself out there, but at the same time trying not to be overly friendly- like everything else, even friendliness should come with moderation.

 

21 is young? Lol, I feel like I'm one of the 'old people' at my family gatherings now

[antinko]

I can only talk from my experience, but the girl I'm currently dating loves the fact that I'm kind to her and very considerate, but I have my own life which I put first.

 

She is very independent and knows how to look after herself so she doesn't need nor wish me to fill any gaps in that respect. Neither would she appreciate it if I was simply kind to her in order to gain her affections - that would be disrespectful.

 

Instead, I do nice things when I want to because I know she doesn't expect them nor require me to do them and she knows I don't expect anything in return.

 

Furthermore, I don't go over the top. I'm a firm believer that good things can lose their effect if they're done too much so time and space between them are especially important.

 

I think that, when push comes to shove, the difference between being sincerely nice and being 'nice' in the 'nice guy' sense of the word is that being sincerely nice involves due consideration for both yourself and the girl in question; whereas, the latter is somewhat selfish and can often carry some ulterior motive...and that's dishonest. Nobody wants to be with a dishonest person.