Left my husband for man across the world I want to save marriage is there any hope?

[2Bfreeofme]

Hi , I just joined today however I have been reading your submissions for some time . I have not posted because I am ashamed of myself and I dont know if anyone can help me . I feel desperately confused and alone. I will do my bestto explain the situation as honestly and quickly as possible. I am currently across the world from my husband the man I love with a man i now know I do not love but whom Ive flown across the world and left my husband for 3 times.

I am 26 my husband is 33 we have been together about 7 years marrried for nearly 5 . It all started years ago when my husband and I started an adult website at first it helped my self esteem but then it destroyed me completely and though it has been removed from the internet for 3 years now I still am ashamed to show my face in public as many people found out and i feel as though everyone is looking at me and that they see the nasty slut I am. My husband and I hid our marriage from these men who joined my site at first it seemed a game they were only to happy to send me me thier money for someone to talk to .

 

I was someone who was whoever they needed her to be . I stayed up nights talking to these men while my husband slept and i slept while he was at work during the day . I started to see these men as real people and my owb sense pf reality became warped to a certain degree I think I hardly left the house or saw my family and i lost most of my friends these men became my friends and family and I lhated myself for what I'd done to them.

We justified the work I did as "anyone would do it " for the money we took trips to mexico and bought new furniture but I coulnt hold a real job i was increasingly depressed and i couldnt go anywhere alone without my husband I felt and still feel terribly ashamed.

I became very close to a certain man i talked to nightly i believed he loved me for who I was and not for what i looked like and we talked almost nightly. He asked me to fly across the world to see him and I did I told my husband he was sick and he went along with it even driving me to the airport . He hid his existance from these men and only after i didnt come home on time did anyone know. He told my family i left him for some guy i met on the internet covieniently let out his involvement and they basically turned their backs on me . Its important to mention my mother left my father when i was very young litterally took off while he was at work so i can understand why they were disapproving. I ended up calling my husband who alternated from extreme anger to rage to misery over my leaving and eventually I went home. I missed him terribly and and couldnt think of anything but him and the incredible guilt and reality of what id actually done made me litterally housebound i didnt move of my couch for days sometimes crying for hours .

My husband was very hurt and he couldnt understand my grief he became distant and I became confused betweeen reality and the unreality of the internet i lost myself somewhere along the line and I cant seem to recover. I am a mess and here I am across the world again this is the third time and all i do is cry i just want my marriage to be ok but i havent even called my husband from here i think he deserves better than a monster like me . I miss him terribly and i dont know what to do should I write call hop the next plane . I hate myself and I should mention I did attempt suicide in between my second and third trip across the world. I was told it was an attention ploy maybe it was I dont know whats real anymore. I do know I love my husband but Im destroyed ashamed and I dont know what to do. I cannot go on like this.

[FreeMe]

This is a really complex situation you've got yourself in. My suggestion is to come back to the states and get into intensive counseling immediately - maybe even check yourself in somewhere as an inpatient.

 

You have to take care of yourself before you can even attempt to save your marriage. If you try to save your marriage while you have so many issues with yourself, your personal self-esteem and self-loathing issues will keep overpowering the marriage.

 

Tell your husband you are going into counseling and when you're better you want to work things out - then turn all the focus on yourself and getting yourself well and whole.

 

Also, your husband may be feeling self-righteous because of you leaving him, however, he is not just an innocent victim in all this. If he slept peacefully while you were online with these men and had no problem benefitting from the money, then he has problems himself. Why let the woman he loves do that? was it greed? doesn't he respect you or himself? He could use some counseling too.

 

Good luck - please get some help.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

I agree with the poster above. As long as you hate yourself you will never be happy in or out of the marriage. You AND your husband need to see therapy. He needs to find out why he was so willing to have his wife go on the internet, and why he is now trying to play the victim. As far as your suicide attempt, I think that could have possibly been your way of trying to "forget" about everything....because when someone we love is in a major accident the other things seem so insignificant.

 

ANYWAY, I think that you should go to counseling, and if you can't afford it, buy a journal and ask yourself some questions like Why do you want to be with your husband? Why are you with this other man? What is the best way for you to get out of the situation? and How do you prevent getting into another situation like this? Do you really want your husband back because you need to "forget" everything that has happened, and through his forgiveness you can forgive yourself? Ask yourself some serious questions so that you can get to the root of your feelings, and know why you are feeling this way.

 

STOP SAYING THAT YOU HATE YOURSELF. As long as you continue to say that you will act the way a person who hates themselves act, you will be self destructive, and do yourself more harm than you need to.

[dudesomewhere]

there is hope but you should not be asking for any, really.

 

I was patient in "listening" to your story until this part...

 

"He asked me to fly across the world to see him and I did I told my husband he was sick and he went along with it even driving me to the airport . He hid his existance from these men and only after i didnt come home on time did anyone know. He told my family i left him for some guy i met on the internet covieniently let out his involvement and they basically turned their backs on me."

 

You were dishonest with your husband, your husband trusted and loved you enough to even take you to the airport and then you have the nerve to put some blame on him? Your husband taking you to the airport has no correlation to you cheating.

 

Find yourself...you surely can not love someone you can not love. And by that I mean you to your husband. It's never too late for such a chance, even if I don't believe in second chances, but you first have to take the blame. Nobody is ever responsible for anyone else's cheating.

[2Bfreeofme]

Hi I am sorry I could not reply sooner I have limited access to the internet being out of the country. I agree with the statement that I do not deserve any hope but im desperate for it anyway . I am unable to return to the states for two more weeks and i find myself franticly picking up the phone wanting to call my husband and beg him to understand that I was wrong and to try to make us work but im so afraid that his rejection will destroy me .

I wonder should I write my husband and try to explain how I feel to him will it matter is there any chance he'd listen Im sure by now he has a girlfriend as he has gotten one the past times ive left within two weeks and its been two months now im terrified for I have destroyed my own life and I doubt he will take me back a third time how can he ever believe a word i say after all this ? I am desperate for advice all I do is cry and im falling apart both inside and out i cant sleep I barely eat and i find it hard to move out of bed im so deeply depressed.

I feel im dying on the inside.

[pitprincess]

I am trying to be honest here...

If you love your husband then you shouldnt let anything hold you back.

Writing a letter to him don't show him your emotion.. He is heart broke over this I am sure and you seem like you are too but on the other hand I feel that you are wanting to see if he will take you back and if he don't your going to stay where your at??

 

If you love him..... Really love him..

GET ON A PLANE AND GO HOME!

If he rejects you then you have to know that you fallowed your heart and what your heart told you to do.

Do not stay with the person your with if your staying there for their feelings.. YOU HAVE A HUSBAND OUT THERE THAT MAY BE WAITING FOR YOU TO WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR!

 

If he rejects you just hold your head high and know you did what your heart told you to.

God Bless

[NatoPMT]

i agree with FreeMe, firstly, you have to accept what you have done and stop hating yourself. You absolutely have to deal with your own issues first, that means leaving this overseas man & concentrate on dealing with how you feel about yourself.

 

Get yourself back to the states NOW. Leave this man behind you. You arent happy with him, so leave. When you get back, call your husband & listen to what he has to say, accept your husbands feelings and respect what he wants. Explain to him that you will deal with what you have done first, then if he is prepared to talk... In the meantime, ask him what he wants from you - whether its to be left alone, friendship, or to go to a professional together.

 

it could be that because of your current state of mind, your views on your marriage may be distorted. maybe you need to be in a more balanced frame before you know your true feelings on this, its all clouded by guilt, and the fact you are with someone you dont want to be with, and that you are away from home. when your feelings clear, the reason you left your husband in the first place may become more clarified so making you realise you made the right decision but a bad choice in how you left him.

 

BB

[iam2Bfree of me]

Thankyou for taking the time to write me back and to help me with these problems. I wish I believed that as pitprinces says I had a husband at home waiting for me but I think I have a husband at home happy to be rid of me and all the baggage that I bring with me. I would like to mention a recent development in this ridiculous saga that is my life . I know my problems read like a bad soap opera but the pain is real and I find myself questioning each day why I still am .

I hadn't mentioned this in the past out of fear and because I didn't know what to do . I found out two weeks ago I am pregnant it is absolutely my husbands child and I have agonized over weather to keep the child or not as I do not want it to grow up without a father or with a nutcase like myself for a mother . My mother abandoned me as a 14 yr old and I haven't spoken to her since I'm now 26 . I should also mention my mother took off across the country on my father when he was at work with us(myself and my brother) when I was only 6 years old .

As a mother she was distant and cold and we moved nearly every six months . She suffered extreme depression and took most of it out on me . I have always swore I'd not repeat her pattern but I cant help wondering if that is exactly what I am doing . I am about the age she was when she took off on my father and I'm beginning to wonder if the pattern or mental illness is hereditary. Can it be I have turned into my own mother?

Im not trying to say I did not make my own decissions and do this destruction myself . I made these decisions but I don't know why. I called my husband last weeks i have been picking up the phone dialing and hanging up for weeks I dont know what to say and there is no excuse for what Ive done . I told him about the baby he of course said he doesnt believe me first off and secondly that "he is done if this is true" I am not entirely sure what he means he told me he was having a rough day and that it was " the worst day hes had since me" he was quite emotion less and told me he is happy without me and now has the calm life hes always wanted after much money spent on phycological help (Ive only been gone 6 weeks) he has a girlfriend he gets one off the Internet every time I leave within a week he told me once last time I left that he "didn't love me and just didnt want to be alone" later he recanted that statement but it continues to tear me apart.

 

He denies the child is his and swayed between agreeing to go to the doctors with me and "sending someone he trusts" . He also said he wants nothing to do with the child and I have his permission to raise it here in OZ if I want. I am at complete loss for what I am to do I begged to be able to talk to him again but was to afraid to call my heart is broken in a thousand places right now and i am in incredible pain .

I do desperately love my husband and want to reunite but I have no idea what to do BB suggested I get back to US asap and I am returning in two weeks because I have no money whatsoever and that is when my ticket will allow me two as I sleep on the couch here and am miserable anyway.

I am afraid I am insane and besides the way I look I feel noone besides my husband has ever wanted me for who I am . My husband loved me regardless and I love him with all my heart sometimes I feel like the best thing I could do out of love is to set him free of me i wish I could be free of me to most of the time. I feel I am a horrible valueless person . I am a facade blond hair big boobs YEAH GREAT but beneath the exterior I am nothing but ugliness and pain . I have lost my friends and family to this self created hell and now I'm afraid I'm loosing myself . Im sorry for my whining but this is how I feel. Thankyou for listening and for your help . BB he says he want me to leave him alone now is that what I should do ?

[2Bfreeofme]

I keep posting replies and it tells me Im not logged in Im unsure what im doing wrong here

[2Bfreeofme]

I wrote three replies now and for whatever reason it repeatedlyy says Im not registered and wont let me post seems to happen when I spell check. I found out Im pregnant two weeks ago I havent mentioned it to anyone because Ive been quite honestly struggling with what to do about it . I was abandoned at the age of 14 by my own mother Im now 26 years old and I swore Id never raise a child in the pain that I was reared under. I also should mention my mother took off on my father when i was 6 years old . When she left she was about thsame age as I am now it makes me wonder if maybe some of my insanity is genetic. I know I am responsible for my own decisions and Im not blaming my past just thought it might be important to mention. I told my husband about the baby after having picked up the phone at least a hundred times and slamming it back down. He of course doesnt believe me and says if i am pregnant it isnt his and wants me to leave him alone . I am desperately depressed over this and I have no idea what I am to do now . I wish as pit princess suggested I did have a husband at home waiting for me but hes made it painfully clear he doesnt want anything to do with me and has a girlfriend and a calm new life.

He said once that he "didnt love me , just didnt want to be alone" that comment has burned a hole in my soul he usually puts an add on the internet and has a new girlfriend within two weeks of me leaving so part of me believes that he means what he has said. He told me that he has spent lots of time and money on therapy and is happy now (Ive only been gone six weeks and he works a very grueling schedule so Im assuming this therapy he has recieved has come directky from the mouth of his new gal pal or his sister who's advise he holds above anyone elses. He told me im doing exactly what "they" told him I would do and that if what Im sayinf is true "that Im pregnant " that he is "done" he was emotionless and it broke my heart . BB said I need to see what he wants he says he wants me to" leave him alone like I promised I would " I love him desperately and Im not lying what do I do to convince him I am sorry and that i do love him after all Ive done. I would like to get home asap im stuck here for another few weeks because I cannot afford to change my ticket . I have noone to talk to and i spend my days and nights alone (I sleep on the couch here). Ive never been more alone in my life . As for why I left again that is another story all together and for the most part Im not entirely sure some of it was the pressure of a friend who bought me a ticket convinced I was supposed to be here and that my husband didnt love me , some of it was just to run to excape the hell of my life (a hell I know now I created).

My husband was in so much pain and so angry he was starting a new job we were living in seperate apartments because he moved out on his own and my family helped me renovate a house basement to live in I had no choice but to finish the project he had also just broken up with the girl he had been living with while i was gone and because he had nowhere else to go he said . He may well be with that same girl now as he says he has a girlfriend and he has gotten with this girl last time I left .

So in all this living seperately me thinking hes still seeing this other woman my friends and family pushing me to leave him go to OZ i went and knew instantly i had made the wrong decision . I think Ive lost my mind over all this . I love my husband Im pregnant and i want this to work what can I do ?

[NatoPMT]

2befree - you need to get yourself some help now. I dont know which country you are in, so how the local system works but you need to speak to a doctor about your pregnancy and a professional about how you are feeling. Do some internet searches and get some information immediately.

 

you do have to give your husband alone what hes asked for, let him know what you decide to do regarding the pregnancy, he should be involved in any decisions, but its clear he isnt able to talk to you right now, youve told him and hes aware of it, and hes requested you leave him be after hes got that information, so i am sorry, but you have to leave him be. you know why, you know whats caused him closing down on you, and you cant change that now.

 

i understand that your background may have been influential in your circumstances - but now you have to take responsibility for yourself, and your mothers actions arent yours, you have total control over what you chose to do, and from here on in, make sure you exact that ability to control your life to make yourself happy.

 

keep us up to date sweetie. BB