Why does he pretend to care when he doesn't?

[stillhurt]

In the last week I have come to terms that I was used, manipulated, and I allowed it. Still struggling with the consequences. I have been NC since (8 days ) but something about how it all ended really confuses me. Can you guys figure it out? Long post as usual, but I would really appreciate some insight.

 

I was feeling really guilty about what happened between us and I wanted to know how he felt about cheating on his current gf with his ex. His reply? "I am ok." WTH?! (let's not forget that we have been broken up since March) Like I said in the last thread, he said he thought about telling her but made a promise to himself that he will just treat her the best he can from here on end and never let it happen again. He sounded really sincere about it.

 

I continued to tell him that I feel guilty about the whole thing and how it wasn't just physical for me and how I even told him so before the whole thing started! He says he realized how I felt after he left and he feels really bad, but he doesn't remember me telling him how I did not want to mess with my recovery (how convenient) He said that he hopes that we both learned a lesson from this last encounter. But, he continued to stay on the phone with me while I described how I have been dealing with the breakup. He knows it was my first relationship and keeps saying that he knows it's really hard and it took him 4 years to get over his first. That it's harder when you are the one that is left. That he wished he could be the "one" for me, but he doesn't know why but he just didn't want it anymore in the end. That made me cry. He also said that I might not believe him, but he really wants me to be happy. He admitted that he was just an average selfish guy and a s"#$ for doing what he did and he's is sad with how it ended with us, but that we can only look forward. I said that I am sure he looks at me differently too. He said that it doesn't affect how he sees me because he knows that I would never do it if I were in a relationship with someone. He said that for me, it was because I was lonely, hurting and our history. I told him I was just so disappointed that I held onto someone who proved unworthy. He was hurt. Anyway, it was a looong conversation, over 2 hrs. I did try to hang up, but he would still talk to me. I know that he was probably dying to get away.

 

I know that I shouldn't have told him how I have been struggling. Anyway, I ended it with, "don't worry, I won't call you again, not fair to anyone. I am sure I will be ok, because I want to be." But, he told me to call him if I feel like there's no one who can understand and if it helps he will meet up for emotional support, but only if it's for that. It almost sounded like he was afraid that I would want to meet up. And, I was like...no! End result, I was a pathetic loser and that's how he will remember me, a woman who lost all her self-respect and became pathetic. That's really killing me right now. The thought that I will always be this weak and pathetic person in his memory. I wished I had kept it all under control like I did the first time we made contact.

 

But, it's obvious he's a jerk for cheating and playing these mind games before we met up. The pre-meet up was full of crumbs. "I still think about you...blah blah...she can't give me what you can...not happy..i check on your FB page...don't know why I still think about us" I just think it's all so weird. He is obviously over me, and does not want to be with me. And, he is totally falling for the new girl. So why put up with all this from my end? Is he just absolving himself of guilt? He could've just said that he has had enough because he already got what he wanted. Why talk to me for literally 2 hrs after, and 2 more 2 hr phone calls? He doesn't really care, if he did, he would not have done what he did, tell me he only wanted sex. I am really confused about all this.

 

How many of you have had ex's like that? Like it's obvious they are using you, so why do they pretend and put up with nonsense after they already got what they wanted and know that they don't want a relationship with you anymore? What is the game?

[geegirl]

How many of you have had ex's like that? Like it's obvious they are using you, so why do they pretend and put up with nonsense after they already got what they wanted and know that they don't want a relationship with you anymore? What is the game?

 

They put up with it because the game is never over. If they see a glimmer of hope that they can get something out of you, they will hold on. It's not about feelings, empathy, care and kindness. Because if it was about that, he would have left you alone. The man himself stated he is a SELFISH prick. Selfish people have no empathy. They will use you and manipulate you for their own selfish needs. He can handle the drama as long as he knows he has cake waiting for him.

 

Why do you think he has no conscience about cheating? He has no empathy. He does not give two ****s about who he hurts. He does not have it within him to act with integrity. He's not emotionally invested in the woman. He's out to get what he wants. To get his ego stroked, to have a woman on hand, to get his sex, to have someone adore him, the benefits. And if he can juggle more than one to feed his selfish ways, of course he will play the game. He does not give a **** about how you feel. If he did, he'd remain with one woman, feel like **** knwoing he cheated and feel remorseful for using you. Did he do any of the above. NOT.

 

It's a game. If he can play you with the sweet words and make you think of him kindly, maybe, just maybe she will come back again and then I can get what I want. Then the game starts again.

 

Your emotions blind you. If you were detached from him, indifferent and I asked you what do you want in a man? I'm sure you wouldn't say, "Well, I would love to have a partner that cheats, is selfish, lies and manipulates...that would be my dream man." Think about it. He ain't that great.

 

8 days NC. Keep it up girl!

[Mack05]

Sure I can figure it out. As as easy to figure out as anything I have seen on this forum. The fact you used the words Cheat, Manipulate and Sincerity in the same thread, shows me just how messed up your thought process is right now.

 

You refuse to accept the reality of the situation. Your focusing/obsessing on your ex's words and not his actions. The harsh reality is that this guy has made a fool out of you and made a fool of his new girlfriend and I find it amazing you are wasting so much energy trying to figure this pig out. If it looks like a pig, and oinks like a ping, then it's a pig. Why can't you get your head around that Stillhurt. There are some posters on this site that I literally want to shake them! Something that is obvious to the rest of the world, yet you can't see the facts staring right at you in the face. I can't remember coming across someone so naive on this forum. Do you really think this is the first time he has cheated or used the I'm a nice guy routine? The "I'm a nice guy" routine is just that. A routine.

 

Until you stop focusing on him, you will drive yourself nuts and your recovery will stay in limbo. I know how hard it is. There is nothing worse then discovering someone you had strong feelings for turns out to be someone completely different then you realised. Your ex is a lieing, cheating, fraud. A scumbag. Now you can either spend the next 6 months trying to figure him out, or you can just accept the fact that the guy is scum and start focusing on yourself. The longer you stay obsessing on him, the longer u deprieve yourself of a man that is worthy of your love...

[stillhurt]

Mack, I know I have to focus on me, not him. And, every time I think of something good about us all I have to do is remember what he is capable of now. In the present. All his actions in the last 6 months have shown that he is not a man to be trusted and that I might have been in a toxic relationship.

 

But, it just drives me crazy that he would still pretend after all of it. I guess for me, it's more embarrassing than anything, because I feel like he is doing it because he thinks I am that dumb and naive. And, like GeeGirl said he may still be keeping the door open, even if it is a sliver. It pisses me off that he thinks I am that dumb. Look, I was just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt all this time...so maybe I am dumb.

[Mack05]

Stillhurt, I find it amazing some people beat themselves up because of the fact their ex's are pigs. It's a classic sign of low self esteem and that is what you need to focus on. The fact you slept with him recently means there is still a massive emotional attachment there. It's badly hampered your recovery. I won't judge you for what you did and you shouldn't continually beat yourself up for what happened. You slept with someone you love. You made a mistake and you are very remorseful. After all we are human, we all make mistakes. Because you slept together, it will have slowed down your healing because you stayed emotionally attached. The experts say it takes 2 months of total no contact to start to see things clearly. To start thinking clearly and take a step back and look at the relationship from the outside.

 

Going forward, If you feel your mind wonder towards him try stop your self thinking of him. This is very difficult to do but it can be done. Try best fill your day. Do New stuff. Play chess, learn to cook, join the work squash league, start collecting model trains...anything. Apparently, we can only hold seven thoughts at one time. If you fill your brain up with other stuff, you'll slowly squeeze out thoughts of your ex...Recovery from a broken heart is a slow painful process. But that is what it is Stillhurt, it's a process. Positive small steps forward, day by day. Time to look ahead and not behind...

[stillhurt]

Actually, he does act remorseful about the whole thing, but only after I make him feel guilty about it. I like to point out what a douche he is It's like he can justify anything he does wrong in his head...and I know we all do that too, not just him. We have to makes sense of everything and forgive our own actions in order to move on.

 

Like I said, at this point, I feel like he is almost afraid that I will contact him. And, he was clear that he wants to be good to this girl now and explore what may become of them. So, he's not really leaving it open for me at this point. Doesn't seem like a game anymore, at least I don't think so. Hence the confusion over why put up with my drama at the end. I guess I just don't want to believe, even now, that I devoted myself to someone who didn't even give me the respect I deserved. It's like I need to find something still good about him to make sense of everything. Does that make sense?

 

I am definitely naive and have always believed there is more good in people than bad. That they wouldn't hurt the ones they loved. But, I guess I have just been too damn sheltered and protected my whole life. It was a rude awakening.

 

Mack05, come find me and shake me!

[geegirl]

Mack, I know I have to focus on me, not him. And, every time I think of something good about us all I have to do is remember what he is capable of now. In the present. All his actions in the last 6 months have shown that he is not a man to be trusted and that I might have been in a toxic relationship.

 

But, it just drives me crazy that he would still pretend after all of it. I guess for me, it's more embarrassing than anything, because I feel like he is doing it because he thinks I am that dumb and naive. And, like GeeGirl said he may still be keeping the door open, even if it is a sliver. It pisses me off that he thinks I am that dumb. Look, I was just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt all this time...so maybe I am dumb.

 

Still, the last thing you should do is beat yourself down. He managed to do a good job at that so stop taking over!

 

You are not dumb. You fell in love with a man that abused that love. If there is anyone here that has a problem, it's him.

 

Trust me, he does not think you are dumb. What he does think is that you still love him and will again be weakened by your feelings and let him in. He's manipulative, without a conscience so he's not sitting there and judging you. He's sitting there focused on how to once again play his game. That's all. Besides, you should start realizing that you should not care about the thoughts of an empty shell.

[geegirl]

Actually, he does act remorseful about the whole thing, but only after I make him feel guilty about it. I like to point out what a douche he is It's like he can justify anything he does wrong in his head...and I know we all do that too, not just him. We have to makes sense of everything and forgive our own actions in order to move on.

 

He acts remorseful, when you make him feel guilty. When it should be, HE IS REMORSEFUL. If you have to guilt him into feeling remorseful, chances are his feelings are fake. So, don't give two hoots about his feelings. Like I said, he is not in this to feel. He is in this to get what he wants.

 

Like I said, at this point, I feel like he is almost afraid that I will contact him. And, he was clear that he wants to be good to this girl now and explore what may become of them. So, he's not really leaving it open for me at this point. Doesn't seem like a game anymore, at least I don't think so. Hence the confusion over why put up with my drama at the end. I guess I just don't want to believe, even now, that I devoted myself to someone who didn't even give me the respect I deserved. It's like I need to find something still good about him to make sense of everything. Does that make sense?

 

He is afraid you will contact him? I want to shake you. A man who cheats, and one like him, will not turn down an offer. He wants to be good to his girl now? He should be good to his girl, period. Not be good now, tomorrow, yesterday, a month from now, after he's screwed 20 women. He should be good, period.

 

Trust me. He's playing with the "aww...i am so nice and kind and i hurt too" facade that you are eating it with a biscuit. He knows you have closed the door and his ego is hurt so he justifies that with, "oh, actually, it's not because you are closing the door, I actually truly want to work on my R." Right. He put up with the drama to see if it would all pass and then still have you back. Simple. You don't want to believe because you want to believe that he loved and respected you. That would validate all your feelings. Well, in time your mind will take over and you'll realize that you don't need that validation and that you got a lesson and a valuable one at that.

 

There are people out there with good intentions and there are people out there with bad intentions. When they show you bad intent, believe that it is bad. Dont try to turn it around or whitewash. It's hard to grasp it because you would never hurt someone like that. But there are people out there that can. Deny it all you want, he's shown you time and time again. You are just in denial.

Edited September 23, 2011 by geegirl

[Mack05]

Geegirl you need to start charging for your advice. That is first class stuff. Stillhurt print G's post above and read it over and over again until it fully sinks in.

[Paper Roses]

Yep. Gee's got it all right.

 

Don't be all down on yourself though and don't let it eat away at you. He's just a jerk and he'll get his. Like Gee said he's being nice and pretending that he cares in case he ever needs something from you. You're his back up plan. And you know that you're better than that. Plus, when he acts like he cares and talks to you he knows he's drawing you in and for the sake of his ego he enjoys it. He's a sad, pathetic, no self esteem small person and he's mad about it, apparantly wants to drag you down with him. Please don't let him.

 

Forget about him. I know you think you'll never get over him but you will. And you'll be so happy that you dodged that bullet.

 

My best advice is for you to ignore him. When he gets in touch don't text back, don't answer his calls. It will empower you and make you feel better and he'll for sure feel a little less sassy.

 

Feel better honey.

[stillhurt]

Thank you all once again for the advice. I obviously need it.

 

I just constantly swing back and forth with my feelings for him. But, thankfully these days it's more disappointment and disgust than anything. I know deep down that he's just keeping me on the back burner because I have proven to always be there, believing that we had a special connection. It's a cruel way to treat someone that honestly never hurt him in any way. It's a sense of unbelievability that he was capable of hurting me repeatedly that keeps me in my ditch. Actions not words reveal the truth.

 

Mack05, I did 3 months before and didn't reach clarity, actually had more pain and questions as I just wanted him back. Breaking NC was ugly, but I think clarity will come this time.

 

I don't expect an Eureka moment anymore. One day at a time. I am almost embarrassed to say I loved such a person now, and so very deeply.

[stillhurt]

11 Days NC and he sends a text asking how I am doing? What the hell is wrong with him? Is he still testing the waters after all that's been said and done?

[geegirl]

Didn't I tell you he would reach out to you again? Just as they always do. "What the hell is wrong with him?" Nothing. This is who he is. A manipulative liar trying to see if he can sneak his way back in. I see it as:

 

1) Fishing to see if you will bite

2) No one to stroke his big ego. Now he is down to one woman. Boring.

3) Forgot he is supposed to be working on his R and his girlfriend so he's snooping

4) Knows you are hooked on him so he's drawing you back in since the dust has somewhat settled. He's doing the, "let's see if I still have it with her."

 

Any of the above. If you are thinking he misses you and loves you and is giving you something of substance, he is not. Remember he openly told you he was moving on, wanted to work on his R and only needed you for sex.

 

I am being harsh Still because I know you are hoping for it to be something because if you didn't, you'd clearly see his motives and not ponder/ask the question. I know you can't fathom people stooping to such levels, but here again he is showing you who he really is.

[Mack05]

11 Days NC and he sends a text asking how I am doing? What the hell is wrong with him? Is he still testing the waters after all that's been said and done?

 

Gee is right. Why can't you see what he is doing! Does this sound like a guy focusing on his new relationship!!?. I would call his bluff and say if he contacts you ever again (even if he replies to your text), that you will tell his new girlfriend the kind of man he is....

 

stillhurt I think u are the most naive person on LS

[antz2411]

Fact is this...you know what the smart thing to do is.

You are reluctant to do the smart thing because you are afraid he is the best you can get.

so the choice is yours. live by fear and you know what a miserable pathetic existance that will be, for you and him.

Or be the best person you can be, get out of the situation and live well.

if you keep holding on to this guy in his eyes you will be nothing but a pathetic woman who cant hold her own and you will degenerate into that and wind up down the toilet of life.

 

Respect starts with self respect. always remember that!

 

if you take **** like this from a man, expect a tidal wave of **** to come your way and drown you in it. just saying.

[B_55]

It's like he can justify anything he does wrong in his head...

 

That's because he can justify it in his head. I've been around guys like this for my whole life, and I'll tell you they have no problem justifying it. In their heads if they don't get enough from one woman, then it's alright to get it from another. I wouldn't waste time trying to fathom it, I don't even get it and I'm a dude.

 

-55

[Mack05]

Whats funny is if you told him you got advise from him he would be so sneaky in his defense. Playing on your memories together and emotions. Never ever reply to this guy again.

[Graceful]

You're (still) putting too much, if not all, of your emphasis on him and his behavior. Just a vicious cycle. Going nowhere fast, you know? You just find different ways to ask the same question(s) about him, over and over, when you already know the answers.

 

All you're doing is avoiding what you should be doing, and that's putting the focus on yourself and addressing your own issues (you have some ... )

 

Banging your head against a wall to figure him out is a waste of time, and in addition to that, your head must hurt by now, and the wall probably doesn't look very cool, either.

[Jump]

"They put up with it because the game is never over. If they see a glimmer of hope that they can get something out of you, they will hold on. It's not about feelings, empathy, care and kindness. Because if it was about that, he would have left you alone."

Boy does that quote stick with me. I was all set to send Just One More Email explaining to my manipulative, don't want to be alone, still willing to sleep with you, not yet in love with you ex that I was sorry for the nasty things I said in our last phone call. What was our phone call about? He is having the woman he kept in the background while we were dating come and spend 2 weeks with him but we could not be in contact during those 2 weeks because she thinks it's over between us! Huh! I keep going back!

 

You need a break up cleanse. In this cleanse you do not have any contact of any kind for 21 days (I was 7 days into it when he called and I picked up the phone-stupid! stupid! stupid! so now I'm starting again) During those 21 days you learn about yourself, you date yourself, you see other people and you journal but you do NOT talk to him. It is liberating. You will feel waves of sadness and heartache but you will get through it.

 

If you call, text,email, bump into him and stop to chat...you are saying that your needs are not as important as his. They are. Go out and reclaim yourself so you can let him go and meet the man who deserves the stronger more likeable you. It's not him. :laugh:

[williesarus]

my ex is pretty weird too. all he say is that he is confuse and doesnt know what he is feeling. he just wanna stay out of relationship. but on his own twitter, he still write stuffs to me indirectly and today is our anniversary and he wrote something like.. "yes.. the 28th." it feels like he still caress but i don't think he really do. he just dont wanna make himself look bad. idk.

i miss him so much.

[stillhurt]

I am not still thinking he misses me or wishing he will come back. I know it's all a game for him now and I am the toy. I am just pissed that he still thinks that I am still crying over him. His ego must've had a blast when I last spoke to him. For me, it was just trying to see if he had some decency left, but it was probably an act. Do you know he actually said that maybe he had to act like this for me to get over him?! How about just showing me some freaking respect and showing himself some too?! I had already accepted the break up, but still saw him with some respect. Instead we had to finish everything so horribly. I have lost all my respect and trust for him.

 

I liked what Gee Girl said about not needing validation from him. But, I still have to learn a lot about myself. I knew what I wanted when I met him and somehow made little compromises along the way, while he pretended he was compromising but was secretly holding a grudge against me. What kind of man does this? He doesn't know what it means to be in a real relationship.

 

I have reached the point where I don't know who he is anymore. I just hope he didn't cheat on me while we were together, but we all know that he probably did. And, honestly, I don't care what the hell happens to him and his girl. It's his life. I will live mine. Hopefully more honesty and respect. Enough is enough.

 

And, I am not the most naive one on LS...I don't want that title! lol

[antz2411]

shes seeeing the liiiiiiiiiight! unless its family, never put no one above yourself! self preservation is always key!