Civility

[woinlove]

You are taking the description far too literally, what they mean is it doesn't matter how they ended up in an affair just that they are in one.

 

If that were the case, I assume they would have simply used "who are involved...". Simple statement without trying to imply something more complex. That is how the other forums are described. Maybe this forum started for duped OW/OM.

[Love Me Tender]

Yes.

 

I have been a betrayed spouse (well, we weren't married, but we were living together and talking about getting married). If anyone really wants to know that story, I will share. I never, ever thought I would end up as an OW. But, here I am.

 

It's lonely being an OW/OM. We have very few people we can talk to. I came here to share and for support. What happens to many of us is we are told that we have various and sundry horrible character flaws, as do our MM/MW. Everyone has character flaws, but I think that very few of us are outright evil. Yet, we are treated as though we were natural-born Jezebels.

 

A word of encouragement: Within the nastiness was at least one gem of wisdom that was kindly offered. It was really hard to hear, but it was a possible eventuality that I had not considered and I am glad that the people who offered this wisdom did so.

 

Another word of encouragement: I have struck up PM relationships with two other posters and I treasure the support and kindness that they have shown me. My situation is particularly rough right now. I am alone and lonely and these two women have helped me to feel less desolate.

 

That said, I agree with you 100% Apparently, there will be new moderators. Maybe the board will change so that the reality is more in line with the description.

 

Best,

Ellie

Ellie I don't have PM rights but I would reach out to you if I could. I am glad you found support here and your story encourages me that other newbees will find support as well, if they don't give up first like I almost did. I will check out your story (do you have a link?) and keep you in my prayers.

[SidLyon]

Not. It's clear asking people to be civil in their discussions is not working with some people.

 

... but then, I had no expectation it would.

 

I think I disagree, because most of the large number of posts on this thread have been remarkably civil despite the attempts of just one or two posters (well one main one really) to induce a rabid pack of wolves to come out of the woodwork.

 

There's a biblical story about removing logs from ones own eyes before removing specks from others' eyes. A more religious person than me might see a parallel.

 

Anyway SMO, best of luck with your mission to achieve civility on this forum.

 

Once you've done that maybe you could just request/suggest to people that they not engage in affairs. You might even be equally successful -who knows!

 

Then what? Just request world peace and no more hunger maybe?

 

very best wishes

 

Sid

[Love Me Tender]

If that were the case, I assume they would have simply used "who are involved...". Simple statement without trying to imply something more complex. That is how the other forums are described. Maybe this forum started for duped OW/OM.

 

I highly doubt it. I really don't think there are that many duped OP.

[donnamaybe]

"before removing the mote from thy neighbors eye, attend to the beam in thine own"

 

makes a lot of sense

 

But it boggles at least one mind involved in this discussi:laugh:on.

[donnamaybe]

I agree. Feel free to continue to be rude whenever you feel it's proper for you.

I'm sure you will.

[MissBee]

Can you name anyone you feel has become more civil because of something you posted? I don't think so. Let's take you for example. As noted previously, you sometimes take jabs at other posters. However, in this thread, you appear to have ramped that up. If you want people to be more civil, leading by example would be good.

 

I find that to always be successful.

 

Requesting others do something that you yourself are failing to do makes your entire argument and request invalid. It's like me giving some speech requesting that people using proper grammar while speaking, yet in my own speech about grammar, I am butchering grammar as well. Why would anyone listen?

 

I should at least have a good command of that which I'm asking of others and lead by example...which builds credibility and a situation in which people will likely be more receptive to my requests than in the former where I will be viewed as someone who likes to tell other people what to do, even when I am not able to do it myself. Silly.

[MissBee]

I think I disagree, because most of the large number of posts on this thread have been remarkably civil despite the attempts of just one or two posters (well one main one really) to induce a rabid pack of wolves to come out of the woodwork.

There's a biblical story about removing logs from ones own eyes before removing specks from others' eyes. A more religious person than me might see a parallel.

Anyway SMO, best of luck with your mission to achieve civility on this forum.

 

Once you've done that maybe you could just request/suggest to people that they not engage in affairs. You might even be equally successful -who knows!

 

Then what? Just request world peace and no more hunger maybe?

 

very best wishes

 

Sid

 

I actually was going to post this yesterday!

 

I do not believe people having affairs are the scum of the earth or trash; however, I find it, for lack of a better word...tacky, for one to be unabashedly engaged in something that for all intents and purpose is frowned upon by society because of the ignoble nature that it often takes on....yet find it appropriate to appoint one's self as an ambassador of good behavior. It just comes off a bit....ludicrous.

 

It is not to say that if one has engaged in an affair or any other questionable dealings, one has given up all rights to opinions, good behavior or morality. Not at all. However, if one is currently engaged in questionable behavior and everyone knows this (like on LS in which one's attitude and story is there for all to see) then at the same time tries to be pompous and self-righteous on the other and lead a movement on good behavior...again, it just comes off ludicrous, like are you serious? Perhaps you should clean up the messy behavior in your own yard before leading a neighborhood clean up rally...I'm just saying.

[Mimolicious]

It's hard to expect total "civility" in a forum that primarily discusses EMA's. The topic itself is not exactly "civil". The topic itself is very volatile.

 

IMO, what we see here is real life reactions to actions that cause pain to so many people. I think it's a good thing that these emotions are out in the open. To ask people to hide how they feel (anger, pain or happiness), would be counterproductive. JMO

 

 

Or else "Snapped" is going to never run out of material. I second this!

I you!

[Mimolicious]

It must be partly down to the mix. In real life I wouldn't sit with a bunch of folk who I don't know but who are likely to be disapproving and unfriendly because they were cheated on by the man they were/are married to and I am involved with a married man and the only 'common ground' initially is the experience of an affair situation.

 

Which is probably why, without exception, I either received love and support in real life, or an ambivalent 'each to their own' shrug-like response. I was not lectured, no one told me unequivocally what WOULD happen or that I was DEFINITELY being lied to. Or that I was a bad person, bad parent, bad daughter or that I must have serious self-esteem issues. Or that I was a pathetic person and that my relationship was sub-standard and I was sitting at home peeing my pants over the odd call/text message and that I had nothing else fulfilling in my life except to shag a husband.

 

I think it's in part due to civility, manners and respect SMO. I like your thread.

 

Don't take this the wrong way and I don't mean this directly at you. Just that your post reads very peachy and I find it hard to believe that no one in your RL will call you out on if they saw that you were acting in someway, wreckless. Will they let you self-destruct is really my question here. (Nothing exclusive to having A, either). Ok, maybe your choice of words above are not exactly what a person should tell you but if they needed to apply "tough love". If someone had to tell it like it is, you wouldn't find this "supportive or loving"? I mean, is patronizing really "support"?

 

Civility, manners and respect are a whole separate issue from turning a blind eye. I wouldn't consider someone who doesn't help me pin-point something out of character; civil, of good manner or respectful. I would actually resent them from not saving me in time, when I couldn't save myself. It's basically pushing away anyone that doesn't deliver support sugar coated...

[Mimolicious]

If you think so:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

 

I'll tell you what I think!!! *Raises hand* Let's be for real It has become very obvious that people here report one another just because they don't LIKE EACH OTHER; therefore, they don't like their opinion, don't matter if it's civil, respectful, etc...

 

I wonder how LS'ers handle RL situations where they are confronted with cold, harsh reality though? That's life. You will find someone with harsh, kind, meek, passive characters. You disvalue someone's input because the tone of the message wasn't soothing to your ears? I think that is a bit immature.

 

Have you ever had a boss that teared you up, yet helped you become the best at what you do? I did! If he would have held my hand, I would have felt comfortable and never challenged myself. At times he was not as respectful and "civil", so???! Did I die from it? No. It made me strong enough to swim with the sharks. Such is life!

 

It's a matter of how "sensitive" posters are at this point. Besides, what is so hard about just letting people be?! It's gotten old already. Don't ya'll get tired of the same shyte? Jeez! Besides, this is an internet forum, not the core essence of one's life. (hope not!)

 

If only we could handle all of our RL situations with a "Report Abusive" button...

 

The amount of trolls that have joined the spot laterly, RIDICULOUS! (That's a whole other subject)

[Mimolicious]

As many others have pointed out, sometimes the truth is not so pretty. There were a few posters here who seemed to have a standard response, no matter what the topic of the thread. It was those few posters to whom I was referring. As I mentioned, it only takes one to destroy a board.

 

With all due respect SMO- you just proved your own thread wrong. So you find it civil to call people demeaning names because you don't like their responses? Ok. You do havethe option to ignore them. Takes less energy to do so, actually.

[donnamaybe]

Don't take this the wrong way and I don't mean this directly at you. Just that your post reads very peachy and I find it hard to believe that no one in your RL will call you out on if they saw that you were acting in someway, wreckless. Will they let you self-destruct is really my question here. (Nothing exclusive to having A, either). Ok, maybe your choice of words above are not exactly what a person should tell you but if they needed to apply "tough love". If someone had to tell it like it is, you wouldn't find this "supportive or loving"? I mean, is patronizing really "support"?

 

Civility, manners and respect are a whole separate issue from turning a blind eye. I wouldn't consider someone who doesn't help me pin-point something out of character; civil, of good manner or respectful. I would actually resent them from not saving me in time, when I couldn't save myself. It's basically pushing away anyone that doesn't deliver support sugar coated...

This is why I brought up "yes man" type friends in another thread. My real friends don't let me blindly go down a hazardous road or one that could destroy my integrity. They'd call me out on it big time!

[praxisdorian]

Isn't it somewhat ironic that we are talking about protocol (civility) when the entire jist of this thread and forum is an activity that typically requires less than civil behavior? Regardless of whether you are in a monogamous relationship (married or otherwise), you at the very least are breaking a contractual agreement, lying about it, and risking hurting someone else merely for you own selfish motives.

 

Whatever happened to do unto others as you would have done to you???

[MissBee]

This is why I brought up "yes man" type friends in another thread. My real friends don't let me blindly go down a hazardous road or one that could destroy my integrity. They'd call me out on it big time!

 

To your and Mimo's points:

 

I would love to be a fly on the wall in the life of some of my fellow LSers.

 

I am more than accepting and understanding of the fact that people have different life experiences and perspectives and I do believe that one can sit in a room of 100 people, in which 99 have all had a particular experience, thus making it common, but there is 1 person yet to have that experience. That is fine.

 

What is puzzling to me though, is that sometimes on LS, some folks post in a manner in which pretty much NOTHING on LS ever applies to them and their lives and any standard way of behaving, not only do the people they know digress from it, but digress from it almost all of the time. It is fine to have counter examples, as we all will at some point find that we know people and situations that fall above or below the mean, but it makes me a bit suspicious when it is such that any experience that can be labeled common, they've never had that experience before, and even more oddly, if an experience is considered uncommon...they and the people they know, have it happen to them "all the time" or disproportionately more than average.

 

I find it very hard to believe. Anything is possible, although many more things are improbable...but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in their lives to see for myself if they really are just that unique or are simply exaggerating to help "their case". It also calls to mind a criticism I have, which is that: it is fine to have anomalous experiences, if they are genuine; however, how do you situate yourself in the larger context of a society? Example, billionaires must be aware of the fact that they are unique and among a small number and are in no way representative of the wealth which most people in a society achieve. There experience is real and true, because they are living it clearly, but they would be very ridiculous to espouse that this is somehow an average experience. So have your experience and live your life...but please be aware of how your situation and life factors into the broader perspective, as if you don't situate your anomaly in a context, then it is useless to most.

Edited September 28, 2011 by MissBee

[donnamaybe]

What is puzzling to me though, is that sometimes on LS, some folks post in a manner in which pretty much NOTHING on LS ever applies to them and their lives and any standard way of behaving, not only do the people they know digress from it, but digress from it almost all of the time. It is fine to have counter examples, as we all will at some point find that we know people and situations that fall above or below the mean, but it makes me a bit suspicious when it is such that any experience that can be labeled common, they've never had that experience before, and even more oddly, if an experience is considered uncommon...they and the people they know, have it happen to them "all the time" or disproportionately more than average.

You mean like the HUGE number of school teachers having sex with their students or the uncommonly pious political figures?

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean, and I would further add that it is a very UNCIVIL activity to totally fabricate everything in its entirety on a forum designed to help people through rough times just to further some personal agenda.

[Mimolicious]

Isn't it somewhat ironic that we are talking about protocol (civility) when the entire jist of this thread and forum is an activity that typically requires less than civil behavior? Regardless of whether you are in a monogamous relationship (married or otherwise), you at the very least are breaking a contractual agreement, lying about it, and risking hurting someone else merely for you own selfish motives.

 

Whatever happened to do unto others as you would have done to you???

 

Yep! Amazing how people take simple "TEXT" to heart yet take their RL actions and poor behavior so lightly and give the excuse of "It just happened". If only the keyboard can use the same excuse!

[Mimolicious]

To your and Mimo's points:

 

I would love to be a fly on the wall in the life of some of my fellow LSers.

 

I am more than accepting and understanding of the fact that people have different life experiences and perspectives and I do believe that one can sit in a room of 100 people, in which 99 have all had a particular experience, thus making it common, but there is 1 person yet to have that experience. That is fine.

 

What is puzzling to me though, is that sometimes on LS, some folks post in a manner in which pretty much NOTHING on LS ever applies to them and their lives and any standard way of behaving, not only do the people they know digress from it, but digress from it almost all of the time. It is fine to have counter examples, as we all will at some point find that we know people and situations that fall above or below the mean, but it makes me a bit suspicious when it is such that any experience that can be labeled common, they've never had that experience before, and even more oddly, if an experience is considered uncommon...they and the people they know, have it happen to them "all the time" or disproportionately more than average.

 

I find it very hard to believe. Anything is possible, although many more things are improbable...but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in their lives to see for myself if they really are just that unique or are simply exaggerating to help "their case". It also calls to mind a criticism I have, which is that: it is fine to have anomalous experiences, if they are genuine; however, how do you situate yourself in the larger context of a society? Example, billionaires must be aware of the fact that they are unique and among a small number and are in no way representative of the wealth which most people in a society achieve. There experience is real and true, because they are living it clearly, but they would be very ridiculous to espouse that this is somehow an average experience. So have your experience and live your life...but please be aware of how your situation and life factors into the broader perspective, as if you don't situate your anomaly in a context, then it is useless to most.

 

Nondelusional Billionaired. That is all!

[NoIDidn't]

Can you name anyone you feel has become more civil because of something you posted? I don't think so. Let's take you for example. As noted previously, you sometimes take jabs at other posters. However, in this thread, you appear to have ramped that up. If you want people to be more civil, leading by example would be good.

 

The entire point of my previous questions.

 

Thank you!

 

When we don't lead by example, we should take what we get....

[Owl]

Reading this title and going through all of these threads where we know people are posting under various usernames just made me think of another "major issue" on this forum...that I'm henceforth going to dub "Sybil-ity"...the use of sock puppets. :)

[donnamaybe]

Reading this title and going through all of these threads where we know people are posting under various usernames just made me think of another "major issue" on this forum...that I'm henceforth going to dub "Sybil-ity"...the use of sock puppets. :)

LMAO! Oh, GOOD one! You punny fella you!

[Gentlegirl]

I agree. Somewhere in one of my first few responses in this thread, as I was thinking everything through, I came to that very conclusion - that the best way to disarm those who would choose to be disruptive would be to simply ignore them.

 

 

Good Morning.

 

In Australia, one of our popular journalists has created a FB page.. it's called The Society for Normal People. I think you would enjoy a look at it if you have time.

 

GG

[Silly_Girl]

Don't take this the wrong way and I don't mean this directly at you. Just that your post reads very peachy and I find it hard to believe that no one in your RL will call you out on if they saw that you were acting in someway, wreckless. Will they let you self-destruct is really my question here. (Nothing exclusive to having A, either). Ok, maybe your choice of words above are not exactly what a person should tell you but if they needed to apply "tough love". If someone had to tell it like it is, you wouldn't find this "supportive or loving"? I mean, is patronizing really "support"?

 

Civility, manners and respect are a whole separate issue from turning a blind eye. I wouldn't consider someone who doesn't help me pin-point something out of character; civil, of good manner or respectful. I would actually resent them from not saving me in time, when I couldn't save myself. It's basically pushing away anyone that doesn't deliver support sugar coated...

 

I was always pretty realistic, and grounded. You can't make a call on their reaction when you don't know how the exchange went.

 

I could have said "Oh my word, I have met the most perfect man, he is going to leave his wife, marry me and it's going to be so marvelous. I trust him completely and I just know this is 'it'".

 

I could have said "I have met someone and it appears it could be something that could become very important. But, you know, maybe things aren't as he painted with his wife, I know these things rarely 'work out', I'm focused on my family life, friends, work. Things are good, and I am enjoying this new aspect to my life. I'll see how it goes...".

 

Or anything in between. I think you can see that being 'loving and supportive' could be different based on differing scenarios. My main point was that no one reacted to it on a moral basis. And they've all been very supportive, and those friends then are still my friends now. Despite posters attempting to state they know differently.

[pureinheart]

I was always pretty realistic, and grounded. You can't make a call on their reaction when you don't know how the exchange went.

 

I could have said "Oh my word, I have met the most perfect man, he is going to leave his wife, marry me and it's going to be so marvelous. I trust him completely and I just know this is 'it'".

 

I could have said "I have met someone and it appears it could be something that could become very important. But, you know, maybe things aren't as he painted with his wife, I know these things rarely 'work out', I'm focused on my family life, friends, work. Things are good, and I am enjoying this new aspect to my life. I'll see how it goes...".

 

Or anything in between. I think you can see that being 'loving and supportive' could be different based on differing scenarios. My main point was that no one reacted to it on a moral basis. And they've all been very supportive, and those friends then are still my friends now. Despite posters attempting to state they know differently.

 

SG, I'm glad that your friends were there for you, those are real friends!