staceyj Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 HI, I'm new here and have been going through hell for the past 6 months.. I have been married for 8 years and we have two children 8 and 3 years old and felt like my husband has been lying to me constantly all those years. Everytime he starts a new job he becomes infactuated with a women at his work. I can tell when I am around them. And I have confronted him each time I have thought something was going on and he denied it each time. 6 months ago I told him I have had enough and that I wanted a divorce. He decided to tell me some truths..... He said that he was sexually attracted to each of these women (5 in all) and daydreamed about them being naked etc... but, never had anything physical with them. I don't know if I should believe that or not...Actually I have just known for a long time that he was unfaithful I just know and have had that feeling .. I don't believe anything he tells me anymore. He also admitted to viewing porn on the internet while I was at school. But, he said that he only did it a little but, I didn't believe that and took the computer to a friend that could look up the temp internet files and sure enough there was ALOT of entries over a long period of time and I confronted him about it and he said that he couldn't tell me things because he was afraid I would use it against him. So, now I really can't trust him because he has basically said that he can't tell me some things that I might be able to use against him in a divorce... WE have seen a marriage counselor both together and apart. Apart the counselor is sending us in different directions telling us what we each want to hear. I don't want to be married to this person anymore I don't trust him at all and don't feel like I ever could. The problem is we have two children and I am in the middle of nursing school I have two years left and I have stayed home with the kids all these years and have no work experience. Even If I did have work experience I wouldn't have time for work because I have to attend school full time. IN texas you can't get maintenance unless you are married for ten years. WE lived together for 3 years before we were married and had our first child during that time but, I'm not sure if the court would count that time. For some reason I feel guilty for breaking up the marriage because of the kids and I haven't done anything wrong (except putting up with too much too long) I need encouragment... Link to post Share on other sites
pixiechick Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 It seems to me that looking at porn and being infatuated with co-workers is not by itself worth divorcing over. Although, yall have been through counseling and maybe there are bigger issues. Honestly, a lot of men are dogs and they just can't stop chasing the neighbor's cat. Obviously, it makes you feel insecure and it needs to be addressed. I doubt that you will ever be able to get him to stop completely. So, IF you can learn to accept that he will AND if he is willing to moderate his use of porn, maybe it's worth another try. IF not, then I live in Texas also, I am divorced with two chldren and go to school full time. Social support is out there if you are willing to be poor. Also helps to have family close by. Link to post Share on other sites
hope&pray Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 I am a male and my problems aren't anywhere near cheating. I definately don't condone cheating but unless the porn is illegal stuff or it is getting in the way of you two spending time together, romantically or just being together to do something like watch TV, then I can't see much of a problem with it. Or unless he is looking at stuff and then expecting you to perform that stuff and you can't stand it. My wife knows I look (now looked), at porn and since she has never said anything about it I didn't think there was a problem. I asked her a couple times in the beginning of our marriage to watch it but she wasn't into it so I stopped. I think back now, that maybe she doesn't like it. I'll have to find a way to bring it up and see if that might of been something that she really didn't want me doing but never said anything. But for you, my Mom left my Dad when I was 7 years old. She had 5 kids at the time and I was the youngest. Only 4 of us went because the oldest was old enough to stay and wanted to. She managed to raise all of us (my Mom had no special work skills), and we aren't a burden to society. So if you have to leave your husband for good, then if you really try it will work out. But since I am a male and very much in love with my wife and so badly dont want her to leave, I of course say keep trying. But again that is because I don't want to loose my wife and she is leaving. For now it is just a trial seperation I guess you could say. But she says there is no gaurantee that her feelings will return. Sorry if this doesn't help any. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 Porn and infatuations need not break up a marriage. It is the lack of love and trust that break up a marriage. BTW - if he admitted the infatuations to you, is that not a sign that he will not act on them? Infatuations may be hard to control - but talking to your spouse about them can be a great way to protect yourself from acting. Many of us who are sexual beings will have moments when we see someone attractive, or work with them, and think, "Holy moly!" 99% of the time, this feeling goes nowhere because people take it for what it is - a brain flash, not a life plan! Definitely finish your education. That makes sense no matter what. And while you're doing that, you may want to try <URL removed> or http://www.divorcebusting.com. Even if you use them only to reduce the level of conflict and pain while you finish your degree, I think they will make sense to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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