Author Steen719 Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Andy, You are right it is up to each of us to be happy. I guess what I was trying to refer to is the feeling that is associated with loss. It's not because of the loss of the person themselves but the loss of something more abstract. I guess you would call it the loss of a dream. J, I know what you mean about the loss. I have such a hard time with the idea of this marriage ending. I know you must be lonely, but it is so hard being here with H. He has asked me no less than 15 times today if I want to stay with him. I cannot make him understand that what he did made me not believe in him or us anymore and at the end of the conversation, he says if you were giving me sex, I would not have looked outside our marriage. (Remember, he was ill, not able to for a lot of this time he refers to) I have told him and I have told him and just told him once again; this is the problem. You cannot blame me for what you and she did. You spent months talking to her about having an affair and talked about your mutual attraction WHILE I DIDN'T KNOW AND I WORKED MY A** OFF TRYING TO KEEP US AFLOAT YOU and YOU alone bear the responsibility for being deceitful and lying to me. He is relentless and unless I leave the room, he won't stop trying to get me to stay. I told him today that he was so lucky to have had good surgeons and get transplanted successfully; he says I am not lucky to be losing you. He is sad, but it always comes back to how I am throwing away 23 years. He says he will block her on facebook..but I bet he would still talk to her. Old flame and all. I can't go through this again. I feel insane some days. I feel sad, mad, annoyed, confused, upset and sad again. I can't even start to get over the loss; we are still here together. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Andy, You are right it is up to each of us to be happy. I guess what I was trying to refer to is the feeling that is associated with loss. It's not because of the loss of the person themselves but the loss of something more abstract. I guess you would call it the loss of a dream. I know what you mean... it's like when I got divorced, I just didn't lose a wife, I lost my home, I lost access to my kids 24/7... then I shortly realized this is no different than a death, my dad died when my mom was 53, they had dreams of retirement and a home in the mountains - 2 months of being ill and that dream was over. I saw her grieve and move on. She was happy until the day she died last year, sure she missed him but she moved forward. Of course every now and then there are things that remind me of that loss I had with the divorce but those thoughts do not linger for more than a moment. I even tried reconciling when my common sense told me not to do it. I know for a fact there are people out there who after many years are still angry/sad/lost/depressed you name it, over their failed marriage. When I tell people they must move on and be happy I'm not saying be happy like you just had a lobotomy - accept it and move on! Link to post Share on other sites
jpundun Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 S, I really admire how much you put forth for the sake of your marriage. I just wish that mine had a tenth of that devotion. To listen to her she makes it seem like she has been living in hell when it has been a very comfortable living for her. I'm not saying everything I did was angelic but I don't believe I was as bad as she makes me out to be. I tried to show her how much I loved and cared about her in the only way I knew how. It obviously wasn't enough for her. At any rate according to her no one has had it tougher then her. I kid you not. Since finding the evidence of the affair and a call the next day where she questioned my trustworthiness I haven't heard a peep out of her. I figure she is either stewing in her own juices right now or out celebrating that she doesn't have to sneak around anymore. At this point it really doesn't matter to me. I accept that it is over. The worst part about it is that if she had admitted to me when I asked in the beginning we would have been divorced by now and I wouldn't have gone through my own hell. Oddly the fact that she did put me through the ringer for her own selfish needs upsets me more than anything. Andy, Yes that's what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steen719 Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Well, J, I really think they make us out to be worse than we are so that they can do what they are doing and feel justified. AND, I feel the same way you do. I have told H, why couldn't you just tell me you were wanting to have a relationship with someone else? He said "oh, right, that would have gone over well'. But of course, my point is I have been sitting here since May trying to figure out what the heck is going on and like you, I could have been further along in the process and wouldn't have the torture of trying to figure it out by snooping. I had ideas about the woman, but I think because your W had never done this to you before, you had more trouble believing there was someone else. I don't think your W will have a lot of fun in the future. She, like you and I, are older and finding love again (not lust) is not going to be as easy as it used to be. And, it seems like finding companionship with someone who is honest and unattached might be hard! I am not sure what my devotion has earned me, beside some extra heartache, but I am made the way I am made, so I have to take the good with the bad. Ha ha Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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