Is it cheating or not??

[Sugar_Cube]

Hi all, I have a question. My husband has been on porn for about the past 9 or 10 months now. Yes another pon addict, sorry. Anyway, I was wondering what peoples views were on about porn being just like cheating. I have had some friends tell me no cuz its not physical, but I have also had people tell me yes, its a form of cheating, kinda like a mental or visual thing. Just like people can have emotional affairs as well. Still its a form of cheating. So I would like peoples input on what you think, about it being a form of cheating or not. I'm not sure what to believe anymore. Thanks.

[genie]

I think that if you feel you are being betrayed, then it is cheating. It is making you feel insecure and I think our SO are to make us feel secure, not insecure. One day a friend and I were talking about this and I did some research into past posts here on LS regarding porn. If you would like, I can try to find them again. Have you talked to your SO about this? If I can remember correctly these sites explain to you and the user how addictive they are?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don’t exactly qualify looking at pornography as “cheating” myself, unless my partner was actually communicating with the objects of his desire…whether verbally or online. In that case, I would consider it infidelity.

 

But ANY addiction is disastrous to a relationship. If he’s looking at porn at work instead of doing the job he’s being paid to do…If he’s spending too much time at home viewing porn instead of spending quality time with you or his family…if you’ve told him repeatedly that it hurts your feelings and he still refuses to stop or curb his behavior…then IT’S A PROBLEM and it doesn’t matter how many other people (outside of your relationship) agree or disagree.

[Sugar_Cube]

Thank you to the both of you for your replys. I have suggested to him that he or(we) seek counseling. He admits to having an addiction, however when I mentioned counseling before he said ok we would go. He has yet to make a move on that. I even called and got us an appointment and he came up with an excuse as to why he couldn't go. I thinks its great that he admitted he has a problem but admitting it and getting help for it is another thing. Not only that but I have now noticed, that when I used to find this stuff in the files, he figured that's how I knew about it, he is now on what you call Emule. Thats a place where you can go and download music, movies, games, porn for free. Not only that I just recently found out that emule has its on server, so he doesn't even have to be on line to look at what he wants. They are shared files and if he wants to download something someone else has, he asks and they send it to him then he'll download it. So bascially what hes doing is, downloading porn movies(lots) he'll watch them then he gets rid of them. I guess he figures I know nothing about emule and thought "Hey this is my way to watch what I want without my wife knowing because since emule has its on server it doesn't show in the files". The thing is I know all about it. What makes me more mad than anything is...he thinks I know nothing of it, and then wants to come love on me, as if he is happy because he thinks that I think he has stopped. Any more advice would be great. Thanks.

[lilmoma1973]

 

hey sugarcube .. i think your husband is cheating mentally because if you think it you did it .. its a mental thing not physical . it don't matter its wrong what he is doing .. but he is so in denial and thinks he is getting away with it with the emule .. you know what all men are dogs so it don't surprize me the things they do ... [font=courier new][/font][color=cyan][/color]

[SouthernRomeo]

i think your husband is cheating mentally because if you think it you did it [/quote[

 

My first question is, how many of us have cheated then? Who here has not had an impure thought about someone or something at one time. Therefore, I must strongly disagree with Lilmoma with her post. While I respect her opinion and value it, not all men are dogs. Ive known plenty a female to be one myself. Secondly as I stated, how many of us have cheated by her definition. Porn is a highly debated topic. Putting aside the moral issue and centering it on "cheating vs not-cheating". You have to decide what your definition of cheating is. Is it a physical thing to you? Does he have to be with someone? Is it a spending time with someone or something more than you? Again you have to decide your definition and boundaries.

 

Lot of men simply use porn as an outlet. I know many men that watch porn instead of cheating on their wives simply cause they are "not in the mood". So I've seen porn SAVE marriages before. Some people use it to spice things up. But I agree Enigma, if it is such a problem that you actually want to spend time with him and he does not reciprocate, then that is a problem and an addiction and should be handled. But like all addictions the person who has succumbed to it, MUST and I say MUST admit that he or she has a problem. And that's a tough task for anyone. You as his wife only can advise him of how you feel. You can't make him go to counseling unfortunately. Some people bring family members into things. While this may work in some cases, this is volatile in others. At some point you have to ask yourself what YOUR limitations are. What are you willing to put up with. If it is truly hurting your relationship and you feel put off by it, then set an ultimatum. Show him you mean business. If you try to take it away from him or "pull the plug", to me that makes as much sense as hiding Christmas presents. One way or the other they are going to find a way to get to them. Your best bet might be staying with a relative or letting him know that it's either your marriage or the porn. One way or the other things will have to break. And if he choses the porn over you, you must ask yourself is it worth keeping someone like that.

 

I deeply feel for your condition. Confessing here I used to be an addict of that material. But then my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum and when I saw the reality that the physical side of things would be gone and the person I truly loved outside of sex would not longer be there, I snapped out if it. The only time I partake of the said material is, when I want to spice things up a little bit, or for those long trips away from home Thank goodness for cheap phone cards and a wife to call home to

[Papillon]

I don't see porn as cheating, I see it as neglect.

[lilmoma1973]

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i totally disagree with you Southern Romeo... men will lie and deceive and go behind our back thinking we are stupid women.. i am not saying that women don't cheat but 9 out of 10 men do.. of course you will agree because you are into that type of stuff!! if you are satisfied then you would need that sick stuff to add spice to your life!!! i think it should be banned from the internet cause it has ruined alot of marriages and relationships... i think it is very degrading to women to have them do all them do all those sick things !! another thing that bothers me when they think that they can do this behind our back and not ever think they will get caught.. they think we are stupid , the fact is they are stupid not us!!! i think it makes men want us to look a certain way like these porn stars .. i agree that it is neglect but i still think it is cheating too .. these men are cheating by getting off on these womens and in turn it messes with our sex lives.. i am through venting fro now!!

[FolderWife]

Well, it's ruined what my marriage could have/should have been. I don't trust my husband. I no longer respect my husband. I don't trust my husband....did I say that already? I doubt my husband. Every time he doesn't want to have sex with me, I think he's been doing it with some other chick...on the TV!

 

So I used to trust and respect, and have faith in my husband, but now I don't. I wish I had a close marriage, where I could count on him, but I don't. I don't believe everything he tells me, because he can look me in the eye, and tell me that he hasn't looked at any porn, when I have evidence to the contrary. When I present the evidence, he gets mad and confesses.

 

My husband treats me very mean whenever he's looking at porn. It changes our relationship every time.

 

I love my husband, but right now I'm a little repulsed by him. Our marriage shouldn't be like that, but sine he put masterbating to other women's bodies above my feelings, then in my opinion, he cheated on me with porn.

[iceprincess]

I think it's "mental" cheating. Because how would HE feel if YOU were always looking at porn magazines/porn sites for females?????

[lilmoma1973]

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both you and ice princess is right no matter what they do its still checking thanks for agreeing and yes i do think its a mental thing... sorry to hear that monday but it will ruin a marriage and that is what we are trying to establish about it and southern romeo says it spices up a sex life yeah right if anything it ruins a sex life and a relationship too!!

[FolderWife]

OOOOH OOOO yes!, it RUINS sex. It did NOT add to our sex life at all!!!

 

My husband couldn't get an erection he looked at porn so much. If after me kissing and rubbing him for hours, he COULD get and erection, HE COULDN'T KEEP IT! When I'd ask what's wrong, he'd say, "You're too wet, and I can't feel anything."

 

He doesn't have a problem now! Also, now I don't feel comfortable in lingerie. He's told me so many negative things about my body, since I don't have quadruple D's like some of his favorite porn stars do, and because my abs aren't perfect and airbrushed, or my thighs. Wearing lingerie doesn't do it for him. Masterbating in front of him doesn't do it for him. Dancing naked in front of him doesn't do it for him.

 

BUT PORN DOES!!! How is that supposed to make me feel??? My husband can get off watching OTHER woman prance around naked, but NOT ME!

 

I've said many times, I'm not ugly. I'm really a good looking 21 year old! I can't even compete with porn for MY OWN HUSBAND!

 

It's a crying shame. Yes, my husband looking at porn has DESTROYED our sex lives....mine esecially

[Sugar_Cube]

Hi, thanks to all of you that posted your reply to my concern. I understand people have different opinons on the way they look at things and thats ok, we are all intilted to our opinons. However, I'm glad to see that some of you agree with how I feel too. I see that the porn be it internet or other wise is a growing thing in peoples lives, and its sad to think that people resort to that for whatever reason. I understand it on a certain level if people do it for spice in their relationship or whatever, but when it gets to the point that the person is frequently visting those places or hiding it from the other person then its a problem. I just wish that in my case he would go get help, he's already taken the first step into admitting he has a problem but hey that was almost 9 months ago. Anyway thanks again to all that replyed. To Monday, I know what you mean about the trust issue. The same thing is going on here. there is none.

[yellowrose]

OOOO yes!, it RUINS sex. It did NOT add to our sex life at all!!!

 

Ever notice that the only people who claim that porn will "spice up your love life" are the folks who sell it?

 

Wonder why.

 

Porn never did anything for me that I couldn't do even better for/with my husband with our own creativity and a little free time.

 

Stupid porn peddlers. Grr.

 

 

-Yr

[Sugar_Cube]

Hi Yellowrose thanks for the reply. It just makes me wonder sometimes when we are intimate what is going through his mind. Thinking of the others he has seen during his porn sessions when he's with me? I have actually asked him before he if he thinks of others or anything he has seen on there. Boy that was stupid on my part, because even if he has he's not going to tell me. What was I thinking?..There are times when we are intimate that I become enraged with the fact that he is back on it. So much so that i'd rather knock him out than look at him. I know thats mean sounding but it's just the way I feel sometimes. Thanks again for your reply.

[Fritz]

Hmm, I'd prolly agree that net porn and the fact that its now easier than ever to get ahold of pornos etc. has led to more people being addicted to it (and it ain't just men who are addicted ).

 

I view it as neglect more than cheating unless it has become an all consuming addiction and the other person in the relationship becomes 2nd place to Jenna Jameson et. al.. That said, I think true addiction to porn is more often than not caused by so many factors besides the actual porn. We are bombarded by sexual images all day long in this society and that doesnt help. Factor in general life stress, lack of communication, work stress, and as mentioned above a lacka nookie from your spouse thus porn makes it an easy out to relieve that pressure. To be honest, it can also take away an aspect of control. In my experience, some women can use sex all too easily as a form of control and so they view porn as a threat to that control (yes, I'm a bit jaded and cynical).

 

Ultimately, I think it comes down to an individual/couple thing that has to be worked out during courting as to what constitutes cheating. I know I'd have issues if my girlfriend watched pron with ripped guys all the time and ignored me. In fact, she wouldn't be my girlfriend for very long.