CarrieT Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 So lonely it physically hurts. It is Friday night in gorgeous, downtown Napa. I've walked around, stopped in some of the local wine bars and sipped and chatted with owners and visitors. And then come home and thought I would get some artwork made. Instead, I'm trawling the dating sites I am on to see if anyone has glanced at me. I've sent a few messages to some and reached out to some new ones. I will crawl in bed around 11:00 - as I always do - and be wide awake between 3:30 and 4:00 a.m., just in time to check into LS before going on my weekly 10-mile hike (always alone). The thing is, I KNOW my loneliness is seeping through my pours and making me come across that much more desperate. Not sure what to do about that. The assurances of friends that I "will meet someone who deserves" me and that I am "a great catch." The depressing part is to read the Craigslist ads of husbands in sexless marriages and me - this wanton sexpot - to just want a connection of some sort... Okay - I'll put the computer down now and start making art; at least that will be productive. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 I remember feeling like this. Then one day, I decided to just let go and revel in my singleness. Feeling the real joy of being able to do my own thing. The vibrancy of being me and having all these fun things planned just for me. You can probably guess what happened next... Link to post Share on other sites
solobeary Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 That makes so much sense to me what you wrote. Even when I get nice messages on a dating site, I still feel sad and just wish someone else would send me another one straight after. I'm lonely, needy and pathetic at the moment (but trying to pretend to others that I'm not). It's like I'm hoping that the void will somehow provide those feelings I got from my ex when times were good. This is just another stage of "withdrawal" from the ex, though. We just need to manage the loneliness OK, and we'll get past the awful stage and learn to be independent and happy again. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Oh Carrie, I am so sorry. But Napa?.... I am envious! I have always wanted to visit wine country! There aren't any eligible bachelors around there? No tourists even? You seem like a very cool woman. What are you looking for? Relationship or casual? The thoughts of another man touching me right now makes me cringe. I wish I was a little more of a sexpot because right now I feel like a prude! And the loneliness IS physically painful. ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Carrie- a good woman like you should stay away from Craigs list. When I think of CL, I think of intimate encounters. I'm in the same boat as you, over 40 and not finding anyone that "does it" for me". I've been accused of being too picky, but I'd rather be alone than compromise my expectations. Men seem to think that women have an expiration date - but they don't realize that they do too if they don't look after themselves. It's rare that I meet a guy over 35 that doesn't still take care of himself. It's frustrating, and I often feel lonely- but we can't compromise. It's better to be alone than to be with someone that doesn't measure up. You're more adventurous than I am and I admire that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CarrieT Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 Thanks, everyone. I know it will pass and I'm just going through the pains of losing another potential (see this pathetic thread of me desperate for a guy who has little time for me)... I know in the long run - even if I wait - this isn't the guy for me and yet the dregs that I have had approach me on dating sites have been far worse. ScienceGal, the tourists are here with their wives and this is such a small hamlet, that most of all the single people already know each other's trash and dirt and tend to date "outside the industry" (i.e., wine). It is very Peyton Place-ish which is why I cast my nets out towards San Francisco or Sacramento, if a guy is willing. D-Lish, I don't think either of us are too picky - but I do honestly believe that there is a plethora of middle-aged single women. My next door neighbor is an incredibly hot, six-foot tall Amazon of a winemaker/chef who has never been married. We lament our relationship woes together. I agree that a lot of men in their 40s have stopped taking care of themselves. I don't even mind that so much as the general creepiness. I AM getting tired of the game-playing on the BDSM sites, however, and perhaps getting hurt this way is a good thing to get me off those sites. I just have to not regress to going back to one-night stands for physical companionship. I know that is a mistake and occasionally, my loneliness gets the better of me and leads me down that path. But, with recent STD tests, I have even that much more to offer a guy so I don't want to risk that. Okay - back to the art studio... I stopped for a quick bite to check in. Trying to not trawl the dating sites which is such a huge time-suck. Maybe I should have you guys peruse my profile and give me your opinions; I'll have to think about that... Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Be wary of "All those husbands on Craigslist in sexless marriages" The majority of them are probably just trying to re-write their marriages to justify being on Craigslist for cheating anyway. Ten-mile hike in Cally? Sounds awesome! If you are an outdoors-y woman you will probably come across men if you hike in more populated areas. Hell I hike/mountain bike with a guy and men out on the trails still look at me. I am looking back TBH Link to post Share on other sites
Author CarrieT Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 If you are an outdoors-y woman you will probably come across men if you hike in more populated areas. Hell I hike/mountain bike with a guy and men out on the trails still look at me. I am looking back TBH That's funny; the trail I hike (Skyline) is frequented by the mountain bikers - tons of 'em... But they never stop to talk to the single, female hiker who steps aside for them every Saturday. I always start at dawn so I am usually way up on the trail by the time the bikers are coming in - around 8:00ish - or I'm meeting them on the way down the trail when other hikers are just getting started. Link to post Share on other sites
Diogenes Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Hi Carrie, I can so relate to your post, it's been three months for me after 24 years of marriage. I've been doing everything I'm supposed to, cycle 10 miles a day ( alone) hit the gym 4 days a week, yoga, rowing etc. The end result I'm back to the weight I was in highschool, but I've become a seething mass of testosterone with nowhere to go. I've spend hours in cafes, gallery openings, art shows, wine tastings and met a lot of interesting people, but I know I'm no where near ready for any kind of serious relationship. Nights are the worst, the lack of an emotional and physical bond when you have never been without it sometimes beyond belief. Reading and posting here helps, you are not alone here. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Carrie, I am wondering if it is not the online dating thing that is getting you down. I know it had that effect on me after a while. Maybe it's time to take a break and just forget the whole online mess. Maybe, then, when you relax and no longer think of men, something wonderful will happen to you. I sure hope it does. Hang in there. Loneliness is hard, I know, but relationships aren't always the antidote. Think of all the people in the world who are experiencing loneliness right under their partner's nose. It's a mindset that you can control to a degree. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Sorry to hear this. I have over-compensated for so long that I actually believe I'm not lonely most of the time but I admit I am. I wouldn't be able to help anyone out in the short term with advice. I just can identify because I'm the "new forty", if you know what I mean by that, and I've missed so much (going to the movies alone and seeing Christmases and 4th of Julys pass that should be with someone besides my self). Something in me still thinks I'm invincible and will live forever and live happily ever after when everything is right. I don't know if I should try to defeat that because it keeps me from welling up and being melancholy because I love so much to do all the things that couples do (besides the obvious)--like walking arm in arm, hand in hand, eating together, blah, blah, and more blah. The only positive I can say is a fact is that time alone permits a kind of strength and growth that other people can't match who have been pulled hither and thither by the myriad of distractions that marriage and kinds usually menas. I'm an artist too and wouldn't know what my visionand talent really is if I had a wife and kids yanking at my attention every day. But I'm sure now that I know what I need to and will never forget it and so, I can be had and want to have someone to share life with. I'm experiencing a taste through technology but the day can't come fast enough when the real touching starts. Keep your head up. Link to post Share on other sites
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