I've never been in so much heartache...

[shakti]

Hello, I'm new to posting on this but I have reading your very helpful posts over the past couple of months. I was involved with a MM for one year, we didn't live in the same country but I would fly to meet him often and we would contact most days on skype/call/email etc...

I was so unbelievably in love with him. I tried many times to change my feelings for him but I couldn't. I think being away from him, I also projected a lot, built him up as perfect in my mind, I didn't want him to leave his wife because they have a daughter but somehow I'd convinced myself that being an other woman and in love was better than not being in love at all. I spent some very painful times this past year, needing him, loving him but being alone. I don't live in my own country and I only told 2 close friends about him, and I told them without letting on how in love I was, knowing they would worry about me. I have been going through this pain alone and now I think I'm going crazy. The final night of our week together he left his email open on my laptop and when he went out I looked at it. I found emails to at least 3 other women, sexual in nature, and telling them he loved them and they did too. I was shaking with fury, my whole world stopped, he came back and I let him have it, but he calmed me, I know he never slept with these women but how could he do that, knowing that I loved him so much....I can't function. This was a week ago and I have been alone in my apartment going mad with heartache and pain, I've now got anxiety and find it hard to leave the apartment. Thank god I'm on holidays and don't have to work, I couldn't. I'm so angry at how stupid I was to trust him. What he has done has brought back so much pain that I have had to deal when I sufffered abuse as a child. I just feel so worthless, stupid and I don't know.... I can't describe. I thought I could reach out here, because this looks like a positive environmnent and supportive. Sorry for sounding so low, I can't manage much else right now.

[Gentlegirl]

Last year I went away with xMM for a week.

 

The night we got back, he went home, after a week with me, and slept with his wife. That was the end for me. I couldn't imagine how , after we had had such a wonderful, sweet week together, he could do that. BUT HE DID.

 

I'm afraid that you can't control what he does.. You can only control what you do.

 

I know it sounds same again same again.. but you need to go NC. cold Turkey.. speaking of Turkey,,, this guy sounds as though he has lots of feathers.

 

Do you have any support? Friends, family??? I think you should try to reach out to somebody adn if possible have somebody with you for a while.

 

It's extremely painful to be hit with reality between the eyes.

 

My heart is sorry for you. I have been there and it hurts like mad.

 

Please try to get some support.

 

Gentlegirl

[SoMovinOn]

((((Shakti))))

 

I understand how you feel. I've felt the sting of betrayal and the anger, feeling alone, and all the other emotions you will go through. It's all still very new for you right now, so the feelings will be intense. I don't know how you best deal with feelings like this. What works for me is logic - I think it through, accept the reality of the situation, and try to keep moving forward with my life. I'm not saying it's easy or it doesn't hurt, it takes time, but, that's what works for me.

 

Right now. Focus on yourself... on getting you better, on moving your life forward to a better place. Your love was real. His was a lie, so... it's over. Don't waste another second of your life on him. Put him in the past. Do what you need to make yourself feel better.

 

You can do this. It will take time, but, you'll get through it.

[shakti]

Last year I went away with xMM for a week.

 

The night we got back, he went home, after a week with me, and slept with his wife. That was the end for me. I couldn't imagine how , after we had had such a wonderful, sweet week together, he could do that. BUT HE DID.

 

I'm afraid that you can't control what he does.. You can only control what you do.

 

I know it sounds same again same again.. but you need to go NC. cold Turkey.. speaking of Turkey,,, this guy sounds as though he has lots of feathers.

 

Do you have any support? Friends, family??? I think you should try to reach out to somebody adn if possible have somebody with you for a while.

 

It's extremely painful to be hit with reality between the eyes.

 

My heart is sorry for you. I have been there and it hurts like mad.

 

Please try to get some support.

 

Gentlegirl

 

Thank you for your reply Gentlegirl. I'm sorry for your story too. How can they do that? He probably went home and did the same thing. Every part of me doesn't understand. I truly thought he loved me I was in some kind of shock the first few days, I didn't eat and actually I don't even remember those first few days. Now I'm just so sad I can't imagine having a normal day again. I know there will be but ohmygod, it's utter agony... No, the worst is I'm completely alone where I live, I only moved to this country a few months ago for work and I haven't made any real friendships. Oh I'm so lucky I saw those emails because who knows how long I would have gone on with him. I have been very private about him, I didn't want anyone close to me to worry about me, I knew they would if they knew I was getting involved with a married man. I went NC until last night when I had a few drinks (which I will never do again because it was worse). I just wrote why he hadn't checked to see if I was okay. He wrote back saying he is really worried about me but is trying to give me space but he wants to talk to me. I told him I couldn't. I can't, there is no turning back to him from this as much as I stupidly miss him and love him still. This forum has been amazingly helpful because I'm reading about people who are going through similar things and at different stages so I'm getting strength from that. My emotions are like a crazy rollercoaster. I go from angry, sad, depressed, calm, bitter, in love, to angry again within the space of an hour. I just think I must be so stupid. I just wonder, to be able to put your heart out there for a MM, knowing I suppose that it will be broken, to do that do you think we mustn't love ourself? I remember thinking at the beginning that it might end badly and just thought, nah I'll be okay. One huge lesson is to be more protective of who you give your heart to again.

[shakti]

((((Shakti))))

 

I understand how you feel. I've felt the sting of betrayal and the anger, feeling alone, and all the other emotions you will go through. It's all still very new for you right now, so the feelings will be intense. I don't know how you best deal with feelings like this. What works for me is logic - I think it through, accept the reality of the situation, and try to keep moving forward with my life. I'm not saying it's easy or it doesn't hurt, it takes time, but, that's what works for me.

 

Right now. Focus on yourself... on getting you better, on moving your life forward to a better place. Your love was real. His was a lie, so... it's over. Don't waste another second of your life on him. Put him in the past. Do what you need to make yourself feel better.

 

You can do this. It will take time, but, you'll get through it.

 

 

Oh it's so intense. It's effecting me physically, I'm so tired and nervous to go outside, nauseous and unable to eat much. I did some meditation the other day, I sort of slipped into it because I was crying so hard something just put me in some weird state of peace for about 30 mins, I've been a little better since then. I know to focus on myself, intellectually I know that, but I'm also just mad at myself too, if that makes sense. Thank you for your supportive words, I truly know there are better days ahead. I have to believe that. Thank you.

[SoMovinOn]

...but I'm also just mad at myself too, if that makes sense.

 

It makes complete sense. You feel you should have been smart enough to know better, you feel you should have known... but, you have to remember love is not logical. Love comes from the heart and almost never makes sense, so, no matter how smart you are, love has a way of getting around that and making us do foolish things - even when the love and relationship are good, right?

 

Don't be mad at yourself. You were just in love.

[shakti]

I keep telling myself that I now know the feeling of love. Before him, I had boyfriends but it wasn't like this feeling. So now I know the madness of it and how beautiful it can be (from my side anyway). I hope you have moved on.

[kareena]

You seem very hurt and I'm so sorry that you are going through this

I have not experienced this with my MM but there were times were I felt exactly how you feel.I know what its like to be madly in love with someone you cant have I'm living it. but you seem strong and rational ,you have caught him red handed,you saw it with your own eyes! this will give you strength to leave and never look back..you are in a new country so go out,enjoy their cuisine,meet people,and keep busy!! I really hope this helps and you feel better Take care.

[shakti]

You seem very hurt and I'm so sorry that you are going through this

I have not experienced this with my MM but there were times were I felt exactly how you feel.I know what its like to be madly in love with someone you cant have I'm living it. but you seem strong and rational ,you have caught him red handed,you saw it with your own eyes! this will give you strength to leave and never look back..you are in a new country so go out,enjoy their cuisine,meet people,and keep busy!! I really hope this helps and you feel better Take care.

 

Thank you for your advice. I'm actually going out tonight for dinner with a girl from work, I hope I can fake being normal. It will do me good to get out instead of closing myself off to the world. I hope you are okay. It can be very painful living the life of a girl in love but without that love by her side. I am lucky I caught him and now I think there is some relief to not go back to that pain of being in love with him. I know there were times that thinking he loved me gave me so much happiness and strength. I hope you are not getting yourself into a situation that you won't pull yourself out of if it becomes to hard. I hope you are keeping your options open, to meeting an available man. Take care of you too.

[eleanor01]

Shakti, this just sucks. I am so sorry for your pain. I think that if we could harness all the pain that all three in the triangle feel, we could power the world for the next century.

 

You have gotten really, really good advice here from GG, SMO, and Kareena. The problem is actually being able to do abide by it. It's really hard. When you get slapped upside the head like you have been, it's easy to hibernate and shake, etc. You're in shock.

 

Yet, really, if you can do the NC thing and try to get out of your apartment to do ANYTHING, it will be best in the long run. And, if you can, stay away from the bottle. It's not numbing you, it's making you weak. That really kind of sucks, doesn't it? Seems unfair.

 

I think that maybe the best thing this forum does for anyone is provide support for NC.

 

Hang in there. *HUGS*

Ellie

[phillyfan]

Thank you for your reply Gentlegirl. I'm sorry for your story too. How can they do that? He probably went home and did the same thing. Every part of me doesn't understand. I truly thought he loved me I was in some kind of shock the first few days, I didn't eat and actually I don't even remember those first few days. Now I'm just so sad I can't imagine having a normal day again. I know there will be but ohmygod, it's utter agony... No, the worst is I'm completely alone where I live, I only moved to this country a few months ago for work and I haven't made any real friendships. Oh I'm so lucky I saw those emails because who knows how long I would have gone on with him. I have been very private about him, I didn't want anyone close to me to worry about me, I knew they would if they knew I was getting involved with a married man. I went NC until last night when I had a few drinks (which I will never do again because it was worse). I just wrote why he hadn't checked to see if I was okay. He wrote back saying he is really worried about me but is trying to give me space but he wants to talk to me. I told him I couldn't. I can't, there is no turning back to him from this as much as I stupidly miss him and love him still. This forum has been amazingly helpful because I'm reading about people who are going through similar things and at different stages so I'm getting strength from that. My emotions are like a crazy rollercoaster. I go from angry, sad, depressed, calm, bitter, in love, to angry again within the space of an hour. I just think I must be so stupid. I just wonder, to be able to put your heart out there for a MM, knowing I suppose that it will be broken, to do that do you think we mustn't love ourself? I remember thinking at the beginning that it might end badly and just thought, nah I'll be okay. One huge lesson is to be more protective of who you give your heart to again.

 

Dude u r amazin 2 walk away like that, u r strong girl- STRONG-there aint many ppl that wud be able 2 do that so quick.

U r rite , thank GOD u found out so quik before u got evn more deep.

 

Last thing, girl, some1 as sweet, lovin n strong as u (hell, even movin overseas on ur own to work is amazin) - has an amazin life in front of u - full of good times, new friends, cool new pastimes, great job, and bein married 2 the greatest guy eva, but girl, u aint neva gona get none of that if u stay hung up on this nasty dude.

 

Good luck i feel 4 u, hope it works out, keep on truckin u r gona turn this around

[shakti]

Shakti, this just sucks. I am so sorry for your pain. I think that if we could harness all the pain that all three in the triangle feel, we could power the world for the next century.

 

You have gotten really, really good advice here from GG, SMO, and Kareena. The problem is actually being able to do abide by it. It's really hard. When you get slapped upside the head like you have been, it's easy to hibernate and shake, etc. You're in shock.

 

Yet, really, if you can do the NC thing and try to get out of your apartment to do ANYTHING, it will be best in the long run. And, if you can, stay away from the bottle. It's not numbing you, it's making you weak. That really kind of sucks, doesn't it? Seems unfair.

 

I think that maybe the best thing this forum does for anyone is provide support for NC.

 

Hang in there. *HUGS*

Ellie

 

Thank you Ellie. I just went out for a few hours and was social for the first time, I think I did okay but then I just got this overwhelming sense of having to leave and come back home. I did well for a little while anyway. I'm doing better but I guess I can't expect to get through it too fast, I just want the pain to go away. You're right, this pain could power a city, it's so strong. But there are glimpses, when I just try and focus on the present, right now, that I say, I'm okay, I'm doing okay, I can do this. And nope, no more drinking that was really counter effective and when I broke NC. I have to stay strong because with the help I have received so far, I know I can only control myself now. If I contact him then I wait for him, then I'm giving him back control which just hurts more. Even though I sit here all day hoping for an email, I'm glad he is giving me space cos I'm not very strong. I wish I could punch him though...so many crazy emotions. thank goodness for all you wonderful people taking the time to write to me. It is saving me. Thank you!!!!

[shakti]

Dude u r amazin 2 walk away like that, u r strong girl- STRONG-there aint many ppl that wud be able 2 do that so quick.

U r rite , thank GOD u found out so quik before u got evn more deep.

 

Last thing, girl, some1 as sweet, lovin n strong as u (hell, even movin overseas on ur own to work is amazin) - has an amazin life in front of u - full of good times, new friends, cool new pastimes, great job, and bein married 2 the greatest guy eva, but girl, u aint neva gona get none of that if u stay hung up on this nasty dude.

 

Good luck i feel 4 u, hope it works out, keep on truckin u r gona turn this around

 

You think I'm strong? Jeez feel like the weakest creature on earth, but your words actually just gave me a flicker of it. I live in a country where if I go outside I get a lot of attention because they're not used to foreigners, when I go out now I feel like hiding but I can't. Thank you for your encouragement. So So much. I just can't believe I still love him, after all this, I my heart hasn't caught up with the situation properly, it's still asking for him but I'm using my head as much as I can. I hope all those things do come true for me and every other person on here who has had their heart crushed (by a truck). Take care and thanks again.

[whichwayisup]

I keep telling myself that I now know the feeling of love. Before him, I had boyfriends but it wasn't like this feeling. So now I know the madness of it and how beautiful it can be (from my side anyway). I hope you have moved on.

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

 

Do a list, of all the things you love about him, how he makes you feel and why.

 

Then, do another list of all the things you don't like about him, how the bad stuff makes you feel, etc.

 

Focus on the negative, and ask yourself what it truly is that you "love" about him? A MM who has numerous others on the side for ego and to make himself feel good.

 

....I can't function. This was a week ago and I have been alone in my apartment going mad with heartache and pain, I've now got anxiety and find it hard to leave the apartment.

 

Reach out to your friends and family. Don't isolate yourself! Anxiety isn't a fun thing, let alone becoming agrophobic too! Google CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and get some help, go talk to someone to help you cope with all this.

[whichwayisup]

You think I'm strong? Jeez feel like the weakest creature on earth, but your words actually just gave me a flicker of it. I live in a country where if I go outside I get a lot of attention because they're not used to foreigners, when I go out now I feel like hiding but I can't. Thank you for your encouragement. So So much. I just can't believe I still love him, after all this, I my heart hasn't caught up with the situation properly, it's still asking for him but I'm using my head as much as I can. I hope all those things do come true for me and every other person on here who has had their heart crushed (by a truck). Take care and thanks again.

 

You ARE strong, a lot stronger than you realize..Just right now you're at your lowest and things don't seem as they appear.

 

Your head knows that he isn't the right person for you, but your heart isn't there. don't be too hard on yourself, gotta give yourself time to grieve this loss and work through the pain. I promise you, things will get easier and you'll have better days! It just takes time.

[shakti]

I tried to think about the list you suggested, but I really am not at the stage to be able to think about him, and definitely not very rationally, I'm very emotional and just trying to focus on getting through this... I hope in a week I will be able to do this though. I think I've been in some kind of shock, and grief yes. There has to be better days than this because there can't be worse, that's all I know for sure right now. Thank you for you help. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a fast forward button? But something in me tells me through this suffering can be some great wisdom so I'm writing all the feelings I'm having down and trying to learn through myself. I'm just going to keep reading the threads from people here because it's so nice to not feel alone in this pain. Thanks again.

[wannabdone]

I am so sorry for this. ((((hugs)))))

 

Just fyi... and I have to say this.... what an AZZ CLOWN!!!

 

Now onto you.... I know how horrible the betrayl is, just like others you need to focus on you. I am like SMO, I think things out logically. Assessed the situation, looked at the grieving process of what I would go through...accepted my xMM was a AZZ CLOWN, and started the NC...and the road to my new life. NC will make things become much clearier. Unfortunately, it doesn't take away the hurt, at times it is more. But just know your mind is processing it, and you will become better because of it.

 

Good luck. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!

[whichwayisup]

I tried to think about the list you suggested, but I really am not at the stage to be able to think about him, and definitely not very rationally, I'm very emotional and just trying to focus on getting through this... I hope in a week I will be able to do this though. I think I've been in some kind of shock, and grief yes. There has to be better days than this because there can't be worse, that's all I know for sure right now. Thank you for you help. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a fast forward button? But something in me tells me through this suffering can be some great wisdom so I'm writing all the feelings I'm having down and trying to learn through myself. I'm just going to keep reading the threads from people here because it's so nice to not feel alone in this pain. Thanks again.

 

Do the list when you feel up to it.. No rush..

 

So instead of doing that list, just write out what you feel overall and write HIM, get it out on paper (or computer) just don't send it to him.. This is for theraputic reasons only and it does help to vent.

[Emme]

:bunny:HUG:bunny:

 

Be angry, Be sad, cry... Those are all the normal responses. Now when you have done that, you give thanks to god that you found out sooner rather than later. That's all I want you to do. Think about how far deep you would have went to love this man only to find out that you are not at all his love. Count your blessings. Everything happens for a reason. Take care of yourself and think positive thoughts.

[shakti]

It is Day 11 since I thought my world had stopped. It is by far the best day so far, I actually have some clarity and my emotions have levelled. I'm not bouncing from extremes and I have some appetite and sickness has gone. I actually can't remember much of the past couple of weeks, all I remember was agony, but I have a great sense of peace and calm today (well so far anyway and I'm holding to it as long as I can). I have been wanting contact, because I wanted to turn to the one I love to make me feel better. I'm sure that's natural. But last night I realised that he just isn't emotionally mature to deal with what he has done so how can he help me? I can only help myself, you all have helped me more than that man could ever have. I know that I'm still at early stages and I'm not going to get too depressed if I end up bawling my eyes out some time today, because I know there are moments of peace now. Oh, what a journey!! I am so glad I didn't have to work these past weeks, I guess I just let it hit me completely. I want to help all of those out there who have put themself in a one-sided relationship, please trust in yourself, be good to yourself and love yourself MORE.

[SunsetRed]

Shakti, you are definetly not alone in your pain. All of us on this forum are wonderful at being there for each other.

 

As you read through all the posts on this forum, you'll see so many similarities in our stories. You can even read through posts from a year or two ago and the stories of how our MMs behaved and what they told us and did to us is all the same. Its as if these guys have a manual that tells them what lies to tell and how to tell it.

 

I've learned so much from the wisdom and experience of others on this forum. It seems as if all of us experienced very similar emotions during our break ups as well. Break ups with an MM hurt worse than a break up with a single guy. When you break up with a single guy, both of you go back to being single and trying to mingle with whats out there. When you break up with a MM, YOU go back to being single, while he goes back to a home, a marriage, family vacations etc.

 

I will say that a break up with an MM can be good for one thing...Weight Loss. Many of us have lost at least 20lbs as a result of our break ups.

I'm 43 and got down to what I weighed in college. I never thought I'd see this weight again, esp with an over 40 metabolism, but MM fixed that for me! I've heard from so many others on here, that the complete loss of appetite has caused a huge weight loss for them as well.

 

Well, I do hope and pray for all of us that one day we'll see the silver lining in all of this and that something good besides weight loss will come out of our experiences.

 

Hugs to you Shakit!

[wannabdone]

Shakti, you are definetly not alone in your pain. All of us on this forum are wonderful at being there for each other.

 

As you read through all the posts on this forum, you'll see so many similarities in our stories. You can even read through posts from a year or two ago and the stories of how our MMs behaved and what they told us and did to us is all the same. Its as if these guys have a manual that tells them what lies to tell and how to tell it.

 

I've learned so much from the wisdom and experience of others on this forum. It seems as if all of us experienced very similar emotions during our break ups as well. Break ups with an MM hurt worse than a break up with a single guy. When you break up with a single guy, both of you go back to being single and trying to mingle with whats out there. When you break up with a MM, YOU go back to being single, while he goes back to a home, a marriage, family vacations etc.

 

I will say that a break up with an MM can be good for one thing...Weight Loss. Many of us have lost at least 20lbs as a result of our break ups.

I'm 43 and got down to what I weighed in college. I never thought I'd see this weight again, esp with an over 40 metabolism, but MM fixed that for me! I've heard from so many others on here, that the complete loss of appetite has caused a huge weight loss for them as well.

 

Well, I do hope and pray for all of us that one day we'll see the silver lining in all of this and that something good besides weight loss will come out of our experiences.

 

Hugs to you Shakit!

 

 

LOL.... SO TRUE!!! I'm down 15lbs since NC. NOT to bad for a middle age woman!!!!

 

Thx for the laugh!

[nonamefornow]

LOL.... SO TRUE!!! I'm down 15lbs since NC. NOT to bad for a middle age woman!!!!

 

Thx for the laugh!

 

 

OMG I can totally identify......I'm 6mths off 40yrs and lost 20lbs (at least) over last few months......and I'm not even totally NC yet

[SoMovinOn]

Sounds like there's an opportunity for a new diet plan! I just need to make an infomercial guaranteeing women they will lose at least 20 lbs if they pay me $100. Once I have their money, I call them up, profess my love, them dump them!

[Gentlegirl]

Sounds like there's an opportunity for a new diet plan! I just need to make an infomercial guaranteeing women they will lose at least 20 lbs if they pay me $100. Once I have their money, I call them up, profess my love, them dump them!

 

There's gotta be a less painful way to lose weight.

 

One that doesn't involve a MM?????

 

GG