Complicated as heck

[777.g]

So, where to start...

 

Recently married to someone a little older than me. Things have been good so far in the relationship...they seem a little "boring" for a couple that just got married though. Very standard...kind of like we are roommates. We both have very busy schedules so we don't exactly have a ton of time together. Our sex life is almost non-existent though. I have a high sex drive, but he does not at all. 1-2x per month seems to be fine with him. No, I do not think he is cheating.

 

Now let me say that I have always been VERY against cheating. I never understood why people couldn't just be faithful anymore...it's like its trendy to be an adulterer. But recently I feel a little conflicted because a co-worker, who I am attracted to, has been coming on to me. He is married, though he has made it clear, unhappily so. I have been very clear with him that I think he is great, but nothing can happen between us. However, he recently started texting me and the texts have turned sexual in nature - all texting. I have been struggling with A LOT of guilt from the texting originally...before things turned sexual...just casual conversation, and now even more so. The thing is, he wants to take things further...asked to kiss once. I am really having trouble over this. I like this person, but I am married and don't want to hurt my spouse. (should mention - spouse is very jealous and i have to hide the texting...even the casual conversation. he hates me talking to any other guy, ever) Nothing is "wrong" with our relationship, per se...it just doesn't get me excited like this co-worker does - it never was like this the whole engagement, even. It's solid, but lackluster. I feel bad about being so excited about this new development, but the guilt doesn't seem worth it. Is this normal? Can someone talk some sense into me?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

How was your sex life before getting married?

 

Since you have a clear boundary regarding infidelity, engage your H's assistance in putting this interloper out to pasture. I'm sure a nice talk with the man's wife will suffice, or merely send her the sexual-related texts you received. I call this advocating for the marriages.

 

You issues with your H are separate from this dynamic. If you want more intimacy, ask for it. Each of you can change your schedules as necessary. Good life lesson is you own your time. You choose where you place it, whether that be school, work, family, etc. You have choices. If this doesn't make sense, get some professional help from a counselor. It's a great way to clarify the issues and see a path to resolution. It's up to both of you if you want to walk that path.

 

First step is to get rid of the married interloper. Next, work on the M. If, after working on it, you still feel dissatisfied and feel there is no healthy resolution, D. Good luck.

[777.g]

Thanks for replying

 

Our sex life before marriage was not good. This should have been resolved before the marriage, but it never was because it was a long time problem and an issue of great frustration for us. I have no idea why he's not wanting to have more sex...it feels like we are buddies and not married. I love him, very much...but I'm much younger than him, I used to be a model (was in several magazines), and he is heavier/older and doesn't get a lot of attention from other women [these things are all trivial...I only mention them to point out that it's not like I'm 400lbs and untouchable]. I just feel like I still lust after him and am "trying to get him" while he seems disinterested/wants a roommate. I know he loves me, and I love him, but it's becoming a problem. That's why this co-worker (that I'm intensely attracted to...it's nice to feel a spark) thing is getting so hard. I am AGAINST cheating and have stood firm so far, but I'm worried I might do something I regret due to the marriage woes, so to speak. We JUST got married...I just feel like this should be the happy times, not the depressive ones.

[Avihenda]

Delete his texts. Ignore them and any conversations he tries to have with you that are sexual. The man is a dog and not someone you want to get involved with. You say you work together; don't even get me started on all the drama that WILL cause.

 

If you love your husband then don't cheat. Simple as that. If your needs aren't being met then talk to him about it. Yes you both have busy lives but you can make time to ignite that flame if you try.

 

The thing is, if you put more effort into flirting with a co-worker then who is to blame when your marriage isn't going well?

[carhill]

How would you like to resolve this?

 

Your H isn't going to wake up this morning a changed man, nor you a changed woman.

 

On one level, fighting your attraction to the co-worker is de-prioritizing your M simply because it's on your mind. IMO, that's job #1 to fix. You can do it alone or with your H's assistance. Breaking contact is the best way. If he's a typical MM, souring the milk will cause him to pursue another potential and he'll leave you alone. If not, stronger measures may be required, like reporting any of his sexual advances in the workplace to his superiors or changing jobs/locations.

 

There is a lot of information on exactly your issue contained in the LS archives.

 

A 'cheating workplace co-worker' search probably would bring up some good information, as would 'sexless marriage'. Good luck.

[Afishwithabike]

Talk to your husband about the lack of sex. I mean talk to him honestly and openly as you've talked to us. Don't dance around the issue. Tell him straight out the frequency of sex right now doesn't work for you. Sex matters to you and when you feel cheated out of it, you try to justify having it with another man. Try to fix the problem between you and your husband, and if you can't, get a professional like a marital counselor to help. Do that instead of getting involved with a married co-worker. Nothing good will come out of entering into an affair.

 

You are on the brink of an affair, and once you jump in, you'll cause so much pain to your husband, the other man's wife, your family and even yourself. An affair is not worth the emotional damage you'll cause.

 

Delete this man's texts. Don't text him again. Tell him to stop texting you or you'll tell his wife. Really draw a line in the sand for him.

 

Then figure out what is this man does for you (I think you've figured it out in part) and see how you can get your husband to do whatever it is. Yes, we all have the personalities we're born with and someone who is really introverted can't become outgoing all of a sudden. However, there may be things your husband isn't doing (besides the sex) that he could do for you like talking to you more often, showing you affection, showing an interest in things you find interesting, etc.

[sunshinegirl]

Agree with what others have said and would only add: remember that you are participating in the texting. I am sensing a bit of an "oh well, gee, it's just happening" vibe (correct me if I'm wrong) so it seems worth mentioning that you are not a passive victim here. Married Work Guy wouldn't be texting you sexual things if he wasn't getting some kind of message from you that you're receptive to it. How would your husband feel to know you are responding in some way to another man's sexual advances?

 

I'm a newlywed myself. I love my H and the thought of doing something that I know would hurt him would be enough to stop me in my tracks. For that reason, I have a hard time squaring how much you say you love your H, with your actions with Married Work Guy.

[norajane]

I feel bad about being so excited about this new development,

 

Ooooo, secret, forbidden sexy texting with a guy you think is great! No wonder there's excitement there. How is a husband to compete with forbidden fruit?

 

This guy you are sexting with? You'd be just as bored with him as you are your husband if you actually were married to forbidden fruit guy.

 

Time to be a grown up and talk with your husband, truly communicate with him. If you can't do that, you have no business being married to him.

[country_gurl]

So, where to start...

 

Recently married to someone a little older than me. Things have been good so far in the relationship...they seem a little "boring" for a couple that just got married though. Very standard...kind of like we are roommates. We both have very busy schedules so we don't exactly have a ton of time together. Our sex life is almost non-existent though. I have a high sex drive, but he does not at all. 1-2x per month seems to be fine with him. No, I do not think he is cheating.

 

Now let me say that I have always been VERY against cheating. I never understood why people couldn't just be faithful anymore...it's like its trendy to be an adulterer. But recently I feel a little conflicted because a co-worker, who I am attracted to, has been coming on to me. He is married, though he has made it clear, unhappily so. I have been very clear with him that I think he is great, but nothing can happen between us. However, he recently started texting me and the texts have turned sexual in nature - all texting. I have been struggling with A LOT of guilt from the texting originally...before things turned sexual...just casual conversation, and now even more so. The thing is, he wants to take things further...asked to kiss once. I am really having trouble over this. I like this person, but I am married and don't want to hurt my spouse. (should mention - spouse is very jealous and i have to hide the texting...even the casual conversation. he hates me talking to any other guy, ever) Nothing is "wrong" with our relationship, per se...it just doesn't get me excited like this co-worker does - it never was like this the whole engagement, even. It's solid, but lackluster. I feel bad about being so excited about this new development, but the guilt doesn't seem worth it. Is this normal? Can someone talk some sense into me?

 

Geezus, why on earth did you marry this guy? I'm sure your sex life didn't just suddenly change the minute you walked down the aisle.....so why now suddenly are you making it an issue?

 

Personally I think you're really just trying to "justify" this inappropriate behavior you're tolerating/accepting/participating in so you're bogusly claiming your sex life with hubby is lacking. Again, why on earth did you marry someone who wasn't sexually compatible? Not too swift, if this IS in fact even true.

 

And you SHOULD feel guilty for what you're doing. You are allowing someone other than your husband (not to mention someone's husband) to turn you on. That is CHEATING.

 

If this is your idea of being a wife the I highly suggest you sit down with your husband and tell him that you made a huge mistake and you want a divorce. He deserves a wife who is honest, respectful, respectable, trustworthy, loyal and has some personal integrity and honor.

[country_gurl]

Thanks for replying

 

Our sex life before marriage was not good. This should have been resolved before the marriage, but it never was because it was a long time problem and an issue of great frustration for us. I have no idea why he's not wanting to have more sex...it feels like we are buddies and not married. I love him, very much...but I'm much younger than him, I used to be a model (was in several magazines), and he is heavier/older and doesn't get a lot of attention from other women [these things are all trivial...I only mention them to point out that it's not like I'm 400lbs and untouchable]. I just feel like I still lust after him and am "trying to get him" while he seems disinterested/wants a roommate. I know he loves me, and I love him, but it's becoming a problem. That's why this co-worker (that I'm intensely attracted to...it's nice to feel a spark) thing is getting so hard. I am AGAINST cheating and have stood firm so far, but I'm worried I might do something I regret due to the marriage woes, so to speak. We JUST got married...I just feel like this should be the happy times, not the depressive ones.

 

Well shame on you then! If you claim this was a longstanding issue prior to marriage then you weren't the sharpest tack in the box for marrying him and essentially living a lie. It's absolute insanity to marry someone despite there being a longstanding unresolved issue. Where was your brain?

 

I don't read anywhere that you've sat down and really had a good heart to heart discussion with your poor husband, about the reason(s) for his lack of libido (or perhaps lack of intimate attraction to you?). Is there an underlying medical cause that's not been explored? (diabetes, high blood pressure, erectile issues, depression, hormonal issues, stress, etc)

 

Have you even TRIED to sort this out? Seems to me that you're just looking for people here to give you some kind of validation that you're justified in your affair (and it IS an affair, even if it's not yet physical). It won't happen.

[777.g]

Well shame on you then! If you claim this was a longstanding issue prior to marriage then you weren't the sharpest tack in the box for marrying him and essentially living a lie. It's absolute insanity to marry someone despite there being a longstanding unresolved issue. Where was your brain?

 

I don't read anywhere that you've sat down and really had a good heart to heart discussion with your poor husband, about the reason(s) for his lack of libido (or perhaps lack of intimate attraction to you?). Is there an underlying medical cause that's not been explored? (diabetes, high blood pressure, erectile issues, depression, hormonal issues, stress, etc)

 

Have you even TRIED to sort this out? Seems to me that you're just looking for people here to give you some kind of validation that you're justified in your affair (and it IS an affair, even if it's not yet physical). It won't happen.

 

You spoke most harshly, so this is the one I will respond to.

 

Yes, you are right...it was not smart to marry someone I was having sexual problems with, but everything was planned and ready to go. We've lived together for years... shared everything. We are legally very tied to each other. There were also lots of fighting right before the wedding...planning it took a big toll on us, and we were both pretty miserable with the situation. Then even on the wedding day his stress was causing him to lash out at me. Not the best of feelings. But walking away from your wedding day isn't something you do...

 

And I have been blunt with him about this. I am normally a very open communicator. We have spoken *many* times about it (open and very honestly), but it ends in a fight with him saying he is just older, blah blah blah. Mid-30's is not old enough to only want intimacy 1-2x/month, right?? And yes, he does have very high blood pressure.

 

So here we are, post-wedding and we are both busier than ever before. We don't see each other and it's getting hard. But you are right, I know I can't excuse what is happening with this other guy...it is straight up wrong and f*ed up of me. I just wish I'd met him years ago. It's not the forbidden thing so much as the physical compatability thing. I love my husband and he is my best friend, but he's just my friend. I want a lover AND a friend to go through life with. I know marriage isn't all fireworks...not even close...but I don't want anything crazy, I just want to be found attractive/desirable and not be turned down all the time. That's a hard thing for any woman to have happen repeatedly...especially by the one man she loves/desires so heavily, and especially when there are guys lined up to show me affection/desire. You know?

[country_gurl]

But walking away from your wedding day isn't something you do...

 

Perhaps but agreeing to MARRY IN THE FIRST PLACE, someone that you allegedly have a longstanding sexual incompatibility issue is where you went wrong. Why did you even agree to marry him if this wasn't sorted out?

 

And I have been blunt with him about this. I am normally a very open communicator. We have spoken *many* times about it (open and very honestly), but it ends in a fight with him saying he is just older, blah blah blah. Mid-30's is not old enough to only want intimacy 1-2x/month, right?? And yes, he does have very high blood pressure.

 

Well he's definitely young to be dealing with 'very high blood pressure.' Is he on medication for it? Does he regularly check his blood pressure? Has the cause of his hypertension been determined? If it's "very high" at this age, he's at high risk for a heart attack or stroke.

 

Did you know that a lot of meds for high blood pressure cause lowered libido, erectile dysfunction issues, etc? Here's a link that lists all kinds of meds that can cause issues in guys w/ libido, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation:

 

http://www.erectioncare.com/articles/medications-list-causes-erectile-dysfunction/

 

It's not really normal for a mid-30s guy to not be interested in sex. How long has this been a problem for?

 

Does he have other health issues that you're aware of? High stress can most definitely cause high blood pressure (work stress, etc). Has this been considered? Is he properly under a doctor's care?

 

Depression can also cause a lack of libido (which can be compounded further by the side effects of many antidepressive meds).

 

Could he possibly be cheating/getting it elsewhere such that he desires it so rarely with you?

 

Any porn addiction?

 

You can't force your husband to pursue really getting to the bottom of what his issues are but you have to be able to say you did everything you could to encourage him to do so........starting with a doctor ruling out medical reasons for his issues, that's paramount.

 

Have you considered marriage counseling? Perhaps he just doesn't really "get" how the lack of intimacy/feeling desired is really impacting you.........??

[777.g]

Perhaps but agreeing to MARRY IN THE FIRST PLACE, someone that you allegedly have a longstanding sexual incompatibility issue is where you went wrong. Why did you even agree to marry him if this wasn't sorted out?

 

 

 

Well he's definitely young to be dealing with 'very high blood pressure.' Is he on medication for it? Does he regularly check his blood pressure? Has the cause of his hypertension been determined? If it's "very high" at this age, he's at high risk for a heart attack or stroke.

 

Did you know that a lot of meds for high blood pressure cause lowered libido, erectile dysfunction issues, etc? Here's a link that lists all kinds of meds that can cause issues in guys w/ libido, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation:

 

http://www.erectioncare.com/articles/medications-list-causes-erectile-dysfunction/

 

It's not really normal for a mid-30s guy to not be interested in sex. How long has this been a problem for?

 

Does he have other health issues that you're aware of? High stress can most definitely cause high blood pressure (work stress, etc). Has this been considered? Is he properly under a doctor's care?

 

Depression can also cause a lack of libido (which can be compounded further by the side effects of many antidepressive meds).

 

Could he possibly be cheating/getting it elsewhere such that he desires it so rarely with you?

 

Any porn addiction?

 

You can't force your husband to pursue really getting to the bottom of what his issues are but you have to be able to say you did everything you could to encourage him to do so........starting with a doctor ruling out medical reasons for his issues, that's paramount.

 

Have you considered marriage counseling? Perhaps he just doesn't really "get" how the lack of intimacy/feeling desired is really impacting you.........??

 

This post was very helpful. Thank you.

 

I said yes to getting married because he asked extremely early on in the relationship. I said yes, but he knew I was hesitant. I felt he was "the one" and didn't want to end the relationship by saying 'no' but I made it clear we needed a long engagement (years). That is what we did. But I have tried to work at this (asked if he was cheating, asked what I could do, everything), and he brushes it off. We have mentioned marriage counseling, but it never turns into anything. Perhaps partly because it seemed so pathetic to get marriage counseling when not even married yet. Then invitations went out and we bought all this stuff for a wedding that was way far out, but things never got better...only worse.

 

Yes, he has very high blood pressure. Apparently he has had it since he was very young (teenager, at a healthy weight, etc). It runs in the family...his mother died of a heart problem. He does take blood pressure medication, but over the years he's been sporatic with it at best. His libido has not changed regardless of whether or not he was on medication at the time. He swears he does not cheat and says, "I wouldn't cheat, I don't care about sex. I am just older and never found it all that appealing like most guys. It's just sex." But I am feeling constantly rejected/worthless and it takes a toll on my self-esteem/confidence. Then comes very successful/attractive men treating me like I'm used to be treated and in my vulnerable state it feels so nice. I know I'm a POS for feeling that way, but there you go...honesty. What woman doesn't want to feel desired?

 

He is supportive about other things...he's an amazing best friend...there just isn't a spark. I don't know where to turn from here. There is no porn addiction (I'm 99% sure, anyway...I mean, I guess you never know...anything is possible)...he's just not sexual, and medically speaking I don't know why. I don't know where to turn, but I'm kind of at a loss.

[country_gurl]

His libido has not changed regardless of whether or not he was on medication at the time.

 

If he's had hypertension since a teenager, well that's pretty significant.

 

Uncontrolled high blood pressure (like when he was not taking meds for it) can cause issues with getting or maintaining an erection. For most guys this is extremely devastating and embarrassing and some men "cope" with this kind of thing by being in denial (read: his insistence that sex doesn't mean that much to him). So this COULD be why things are this way whether he's not o meds or is.

 

Have you sat down and told him that while you love him, you're disappointed and hurt by his lack of desire for intimacy......that it's not how you expected marriage to be, that you need to feel wanted/desired and you're finding it difficult to deal with? It's fine for him to claim that he doesn't need sex all that often but this isn't just about him.

 

If you're the best friends that you explain, you owe it to yourself to tell him a lot of what you've written here; that you feel more like best friends and roommates than lovers and it's really bothering you. Right?

 

Then I think you need to suggest marriage counseling. A lot of times in marriage counseling, therapy will include some individual sessions. Sometimes having a 3rd party ask the "right questions" will cause someone to really open up as to what their issues are (or even help them discover what the deep seated issues are).

 

So his sex drive has always been this way, since the beginning of your relationship?

[777.g]

If he's had hypertension since a teenager, well that's pretty significant.

 

Uncontrolled high blood pressure (like when he was not taking meds for it) can cause issues with getting or maintaining an erection. For most guys this is extremely devastating and embarrassing and some men "cope" with this kind of thing by being in denial (read: his insistence that sex doesn't mean that much to him). So this COULD be why things are this way whether he's not o meds or is.

 

Have you sat down and told him that while you love him, you're disappointed and hurt by his lack of desire for intimacy......that it's not how you expected marriage to be, that you need to feel wanted/desired and you're finding it difficult to deal with? It's fine for him to claim that he doesn't need sex all that often but this isn't just about him.

 

If you're the best friends that you explain, you owe it to yourself to tell him a lot of what you've written here; that you feel more like best friends and roommates than lovers and it's really bothering you. Right?

 

Then I think you need to suggest marriage counseling. A lot of times in marriage counseling, therapy will include some individual sessions. Sometimes having a 3rd party ask the "right questions" will cause someone to really open up as to what their issues are (or even help them discover what the deep seated issues are).

 

So his sex drive has always been this way, since the beginning of your relationship?

 

I think I will do this. Yes, this has always been a problem. When we FIRST got together (first couple months), it wasn't...but since then, yes. I have had that open and honest talk with him before (everything I said here, minus the co-worker thing [which is a very recent thing anyway, so there was nothing to tell])...told him it hurt me, etc. but nothing ever came of it. Somehow in our talks he passes the blame to me and I feel so guilty for even bringing it up, I end up apologizing and ending it. Perhaps the high blood pressure is the problem, though. His erection definitely doesn't just jump up like guys I dated before...even giving him a BJ it takes a few minutes to get erect. Is this normal?

 

I think I'll mention the marriage counseling. I don't know how/when I'll bring it up, but I will when the time is right. We've only have sex 3x since the wedding (twice when on honeymoon...once since being home. We've been home for almost 4 weeks, but have seen very little of each other to be fair). Maybe that will solve our problems. He is my very best friend, and I love and care for him so deeply, but I'm barely over 20 and don't know if my self esteem can take this repeated hit for the next 60 years. A sexless marriage seems so bleek, but I can't imagine being without him...damn, this sucks. I mean, if things didn't work out, then I'm the whore who didn't stick by her man because he had a medical condition?? What a terrible outcome.

[Osiris1234]

Things have been good so far in the relationship...they seem a little "boring" for a couple that just got married though.

 

 

 

"I was bored"

 

This seems to be a running theme with the way females think. They believe that since they are bored at the time, it somehow excuses or rationalize their decisions. (IE-cheating,etc)

 

 

If your bored then talk to HIM about it. Go out more or make date plans.