How my A started

[kareena]

I don't know why,I just feel like sharing my story..maybe it will help other women who are unknowingly about to walk into an A,maybe I'm just looking to feel better by sharing whatever the case is.here it goes.

 

I had a BF,he wasn't exactly the nicest guy ever and I was pretty miserable but felt like I had no choice but to stay for many reasons..he had alienated me from my friends and family and repeatedly abused me emotionally,sexually,verbally,and physically but to the world we were just another cute young couple.

 

I met MM through my BF, that's how i know him and his family very well.At first it was all very innocent,MM started noticing all the cuts and bruises so he spoke to me about it and he really helped.It all started by me needing someone to talk to about my misery and so did he.What we had in common was that we were both very unhappy in our current relationships,but at this point we were not thinking of getting romantic in any way..we were just good friends who made each other feel better.I don't remember how it happened but I started developing strong feelings for MM,and I could tell he felt the same way.things started to get weird,I was conflicted but I justified my actions by blaming his W and my BF(who have both been unfaithful long before MM and I started our A) I chose to ignore that little voice in my head that warned me not to play with fire and I just followed my heart and feelings.

 

I'm too attached to MM because in a way I view him as my savior,had I not fallen in love with MM and gained his emotional support I would have never been able to leave my abusive BF.Falling in love with MM gave me the strength because he made me feel safe.And the fact that he is 13years older than I am (I'm 22 he's 35)played a huge role.He seemed different and responsible I was instantly drawn to him.

 

At the beginning of the A things were great,we were in love and he always talked about the future and how happy we would be together.I felt loved, respected, and appreciated. We had sex 3 months into the A(he used to say that he does not want to pressure me and would only do it when I was emotionally ready),which gave him much more credibility in my book because to me I felt like this is different,he's really in love with me he knows what I've been through and he understands.

 

We have been together for almost a year now,things are still good but I'm starting to feel like he was playing me.The problem is nothing happened he continues to be very sweet and supportive,I have not caught him doing anything I would disapprove of,Its just little things that he says that are starting to scare me..I'm starting to feel like he had been feeding me lies and I was gullible enough to fall for it,but I still love him so very much and really can't imagine life without him.

 

I think that now I'm at a point where I'm starting to realize what I NEED to do,I just don't want to believe it .I believe that I don't have the strength to leave and in a way a huge part of me doesn't want to leave,I WANT to stay with the man I love but I NEED to walk away from this A.

 

I am pretty confused most of the time,I find myself obsessing all the time I'm always sitting home waiting for his call.I never make plans and I rarely ever go out with friends.He IS the center of my universe,my whole life revolves around him.It's not healthy to live this way,I realize that..but!!

[seren]

Oh Kareena, your posts sound so very sad and almost as though you are confused and bewildered why things haven't progressed as they would or should in a relationship. I wonder if it is perhaps that for you, the MM is your world, your 'love' interest (don't quite know how else to word it), you, as all in a relationship, especially one so new expect progression or at the very least, to know where the relationship is heading. Thing is, he already has a relationship that is long term and in a very different world to the one he has with you, I don't know if you are familiar with the term compartmentalising, which is basically the ability to switch from one to the other, keeping one out of mind while in the other, a lot of WS do this to stop worlds colliding and to stop guilt intruding. While in one they will be one way and while in the other, another.

 

It sounds like the worlds are about to collide and the MM will try to limit hassle by distancing himself, often taking the easier route or even the one where he wants to be by ignoring the other. The MM you are seeing might not be doing this, but it sounds like he might be. Of course it is hurtful for you, you are not the one who is keeping two worlds spinning, you have only the world with the MM and sound as though you love him and want a future with him, and why wouldn't you? In the meantime, you are waiting for him to make decisions, make moves, contact you and I am sure there are many OW/OM who recognise this and have relationships where they are happy with that, but they will be making an informed choice, they may already have had the are you leaving conversation with the MM, some wait it out, others don't and some say contact me after you have left the marriage.

 

I wonder what you want? How do you see this playing out and what if he isn't leaving? What if this is how it will be for however long he wants it to be? What will work for you Kareena? I hope some of the OW/OM on the board chip in as they will be able to relate better. You just sound so very young and looking for love, as I said earlier, love should be loud, proud and out there, not sad and not blaming yourself and certainly not waiting and putting your life on hold. Take care x

[shakti]

The little things he is saying that are scaring you, they are messages to you that you have to listen to. You have been brave enough to admit now that things aren't 'right'. This is your first step. I have just spent the past year doing exactly what you have been doing, waiting for him, letting myself be subject to his control over my feelings because I was holding onto love. I couldn't let that love go. You can let it go and I think you are in the first stages of realising that you have to, this time you have to save yourself! And you are strong enough, you are brave and you are lucky because you are still so young. You have the power inside you to control this because you love yourself more than him. You owe it to yourself. I am writing this as much to you as I have to for myself right now. If you can, just start limiting your contact with him, hang out with friends and do more 'you' activities. You'll catch yourself enjoying yourself and realise that you haven't thought about him. These little things will help give you strength to realise. You can do it because you are strong enough to let him go.

[alexandria35]

Kareena, you have to stop placing your worth in the hands of messed up men. You turned over your self worth to your abusive boyfriend and you only took it back from him once you had found another man to give it to. Now are you going to stay stuck with the married guy until another guy comes along and takes over for him?

 

You are young. What else do you want out of life besides a romantic relationship? Why not stand on your own and begin building the life that will make you happy? Why place your future on the fantasy of getting a married man? Even if this MM left his family, divorced and married you, you still wouldn't see true happiness because that really does come from within. No man can give that to you. I know it sounds cliche but it's a cliche because there is so much truth to it. If you came out of a horribly abusive relationship and if you have a pattern of being in dramatic painfilled relationships (and this relationship with MM is just another type of drama and pain filled relationship) then you need to work on you and getting things right inside of you. You don't need lovin from a married man. Thats not going to fix anything and if anything I think it's just going to leave you more broken and with even more issues down the road.

[wannabdone]

Oh Kareena.... girl, i'm so sorry for you pain. (((((hugs))))))

 

I think its very common that W who fall into an A that we see this as our "knight in shining armour." The one thing in this world that will make all of our wrongs in life, right. IMO a lot of women who fall into A, share a single common thread...there is something painful somewhere that we never delt with. Maybe an x-abusive relationship, maybe an absent father, etc. But something that makes us think that we are okay, if even for a month of being NOT priority 1.

 

I agree with the others that you have stop finding your strength through others, and find it through yourself. I know thats hard, as when you become used to finding it through others....it becomes a way of life. Problem is way of life or not, its a suck azz way of life.

 

Have you thought about IC? I'm very concerned for you. I know exactly how you are feeling with him being like your savior. And I will warn you, that when the time comes that you two do seperate....it will be devestating. I think IC will help you, help find what it is that you didn't resolve that has gotten you in this position. My heart goes out to you.

[kareena]

And you are strong enough, you are brave and you are lucky because you are still so young. You have the power inside you to control this because you love yourself more than him. You owe it to yourself. I am writing this as much to you as I have to for myself right now. If you can, just start limiting your contact with him, hang out with friends and do more 'you' activities. You'll catch yourself enjoying yourself and realise that you haven't thought about him. These little things will help give you strength to realise. You can do it because you are strong enough to let him go.

 

Thank you shakti,I read your thread and I can really relate to what you are going through except you are stronger than I am..you actually did it!I don't feel strong,I'm worried I might break down if I leave him.I don't know if this makes any sense or if i'm just being stupid but I have had my share of substance abuse problems(I was never a junkie or anything like that I just found creative ways to numb my pain) and eating disorders in the past..sometimes I worry that if I leave him not only will I be so hurt to the point where it kills me because of losing him but also I might relapse..FML

[kareena]

Oh Kareena.... girl, i'm so sorry for you pain. (((((hugs))))))

 

I think its very common that W who fall into an A that we see this as our "knight in shining armour." The one thing in this world that will make all of our wrongs in life, right. IMO a lot of women who fall into A, share a single common thread...there is something painful somewhere that we never delt with. Maybe an x-abusive relationship, maybe an absent father, etc. But something that makes us think that we are okay, if even for a month of being NOT priority 1.

 

I agree with the others that you have stop finding your strength through others, and find it through yourself. I know thats hard, as when you become used to finding it through others....it becomes a way of life. Problem is way of life or not, its a suck azz way of life.

 

Have you thought about IC? I'm very concerned for you. I know exactly how you are feeling with him being like your savior. And I will warn you, that when the time comes that you two do seperate....it will be devestating. I think IC will help you, help find what it is that you didn't resolve that has gotten you in this position. My heart goes out to you.

 

I know I shouldn't find my strength through others I just don't know how to do so..I'm sorry but what do you mean by IC? english is not my first language so sometimes I don't understand things,I tried looking it up but got nothing..

[wannabdone]

I know I shouldn't find my strength through others I just don't know how to do so..I'm sorry but what do you mean by IC? english is not my first language so sometimes I don't understand things,I tried looking it up but got nothing..

 

 

Sorry...Independent Counseling.

 

It takes a very BIG person to acknowledge that they don't know how to find strength with in themselves. Now that you have acknowledged you don't, go to counseling and have them help you find that strength. Because with that, God only knows what you could do.

[kareena]

I just realized something about myself, I always felt like MM was the person who rescued me from my previous relationship but at the same time I feel that I left my BF for him..in a way I am contradicting myself,but why? I love him because he saved me,but I also feel like I sacrificed something to be with him so in a way he owe's me the same and this is one of the reasons why I get mad from all the waiting!! I wanted out from my previous relationship but it was also familiar territory that I wasn't very comfortable leaving..had I not met MM I would have stayed with my BF which in my head is both a good and bad thing at the same time!!! how is that even possible!!

[shakti]

Dear Kareena, I am not stronger than you, I was just shown proof that this man didn't love me the way he should. I had to act, but believe me, I wish I had acted sooner to save myself so much humiliation. I absolutely understand the feeling, that you aren't strong enough and yeah, that's where counselling can help. It's not surprising you have developed other methods of dealing with your pain, I spent a good part of last year sitting at home by myself drinking beer and smoking. When he was being good to me I didn't do this, when he wasn't I did. So I just transferred my addictions depending on the situation. I realised at some point that they were all related and that there was something inside me not outside me that I needed to cure. I am currently able to see that so much clearer now and although I'm in utter agony I have had glimpses of something magical happening inside me, like I'm finally healing from past abuse. I'm not focusing on him, I'm focusing on myself, how I got to a point where I was willing to give my special heart to a man I knew deep down wouldn't return it the same way. I hope you see when you feed an addiction, whether it be chemical or love, you are creating a greater 'need' for that addiction. When you stop giving love to this man, you will start your healing. I PROMISE YOU! You are STRONG because we are all built of the same stuff. You are going to be so proud of yourself when you start putting your self first. Please do it. I'm really supporting you.

[Goldenspoon]

What happened is that you go from one unhealthy realtionship directly into another unhealthy relationship.

 

Do you NEED to be in a relationship to be alive? Can you NOT be single for a while? Say a year or two? Try that.

[wannabdone]

I just realized something about myself, I always felt like MM was the person who rescued me from my previous relationship but at the same time I feel that I left my BF for him..in a way I am contradicting myself,but why? I love him because he saved me,but I also feel like I sacrificed something to be with him so in a way he owe's me the same and this is one of the reasons why I get mad from all the waiting!! I wanted out from my previous relationship but it was also familiar territory that I wasn't very comfortable leaving..had I not met MM I would have stayed with my BF which in my head is both a good and bad thing at the same time!!! how is that even possible!!

 

 

I think its pretty typical for the OW in A's to feel like the MM is going to right all the wrongs... knight in shining armour.

 

I'm glad you are seeing some patterns that are extrememly unhealthy. I know it can be scarry being alone, but its even more scarry jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another. I really think you need to find the strength, and go to IC and just be you for a while. Figure you out, figure out that is okay to be alone. THEN, you will be ready for a real relationship!

[nonamefornow]

Dear Kareena, I am not stronger than you, I was just shown proof that this man didn't love me the way he should. I had to act, but believe me, I wish I had acted sooner to save myself so much humiliation. I absolutely understand the feeling, that you aren't strong enough and yeah, that's where counselling can help. It's not surprising you have developed other methods of dealing with your pain, I spent a good part of last year sitting at home by myself drinking beer and smoking. When he was being good to me I didn't do this, when he wasn't I did. So I just transferred my addictions depending on the situation. I realised at some point that they were all related and that there was something inside me not outside me that I needed to cure. I am currently able to see that so much clearer now and although I'm in utter agony I have had glimpses of something magical happening inside me, like I'm finally healing from past abuse. I'm not focusing on him, I'm focusing on myself, how I got to a point where I was willing to give my special heart to a man I knew deep down wouldn't return it the same way. I hope you see when you feed an addiction, whether it be chemical or love, you are creating a greater 'need' for that addiction. When you stop giving love to this man, you will start your healing. I PROMISE YOU! You are STRONG because we are all built of the same stuff. You are going to be so proud of yourself when you start putting your self first. Please do it. I'm really supporting you.

 

Brilliant post Shakti - I really need to start paying particular attention to the bolded, except wine in my case.....now have poor liver function! .

 

Kareena, please do seek counselling of some sort, I have been referred myself and will keep you posted on how it goes, hopefully an objective ear will help us figure out why we're in this position in the first place.

[kareena]

Thank you all for your support it means a lot to me that you would take the time to reply..I think I will give IC a shot,I hope it helps me feel better..

[spice4life]

Thank you all for your support it means a lot to me that you would take the time to reply..I think I will give IC a shot,I hope it helps me feel better..

 

Oh sweety, I am so sorry that you are in this pain. Just wanted to chime in and say that IC was the best thing I have ever done for myself. It helped me see why I chose the relationships I ended up in and I am now looking forward to finding one that is balanced, healthy and happy. I am older than you and wish I had done this a lot sooner, so embrace this opportunity to learn and grow from this experience now. Take full advantage of it!

 

You say that you are not strong, but that is not true at all! You found the strength to get out of a very unhealthy relationship. Sure, this guy was there for support, but in reality it was YOU who took the steps to get out...he just happened to be the catalyst to help you get there. And the feelings of regret you are experiencing, are just part of the mourning process. You jumped into another relationship without allowing yourself to grieve the previous one. It doesn't matter how bad the relationship was, it is still a loss that needs to be properly grieved and that is hard to do when you get involved, emotionally, so quickly with someone else. It confuses the process and makes it hard to decipher the feelings you are experiencing.

 

All I'm trying to say is, don't beat yourself up and DON'T DOUBT yourself! Look at it as if you are on a journey learning about who YOU are and what YOU want in life. Sometimes people appear in our lives for a reason and your MM happened to walk into your life when you needed some help to guide you out of a bad situation. The one thing you have to realize, is that you need to start looking inward instead of outward now to find the answers. The good news is, it appears that you are starting to by questioning where you are at and what YOU want. Keep riding that wave! Posting here is a great start because there are a lot of wonderful people here who have BTDT who can help. The next step is to follow through and get into therapy! It is an emotional investment that will pay huge dividends in the future. In time, you will look back and realize that this was an experience that helped you evolve to a better place!

 

Best wishes on your journey. Keep posting, we are all here to help! And don't let the few negative posts discourage you in any way!

Edited September 25, 2011 by spice4life

[kareena]

Oh sweety, I am so sorry that you are in this pain. Just wanted to chime in and say that IC was the best thing I have ever done for myself. It helped me see why I chose the relationships I ended up in and I am now looking forward to finding one that is balanced, healthy and happy. I am older than you and wish I had done this a lot sooner, so embrace this opportunity to learn and grow from this experience now. Take full advantage of it!

 

You say that you are not strong, but that is not true at all! You found the strength to get out of a very unhealthy relationship. Sure, this guy was there for support, but in reality it was YOU who took the steps to get out...he just happened to be the catalyst to help you get there. And the feelings of regret you are experiencing, are just part of the mourning process. You jumped into another relationship without allowing yourself to grieve the previous one. It doesn't matter how bad the relationship was, it is still a loss that needs to be properly grieved and that is hard to do when you get involved, emotionally, so quickly with someone else. It confuses the process and makes it hard to decipher the feelings you are experiencing.

 

All I'm trying to say is, don't beat yourself up and DON'T DOUBT yourself! Look at it as if you are on a journey learning about who YOU are and what YOU want in life. Sometimes people appear in our lives for a reason and your MM happened to walk into your life when you needed some help to guide you out of a bad situation. The one thing you have to realize, is that you need to start looking inward instead of outward now to find the answers. The good news is, it appears that you are starting to by questioning where you are at and what YOU want. Keep riding that wave! Posting here is a great start because there are a lot of wonderful people here who have BTDT who can help. The next step is to follow through and get into therapy! It is an emotional investment that will pay huge dividends in the future. In time, you will look back and realize that this was an experience that helped you evolve to a better place!

 

Best wishes on your journey. Keep posting, we are all here to help! And don't let the few negative posts discourage you in any way!

 

Thank you spice4life,ur post really touched me I kept reading it over and over again..I really hope things get better!

[MissBee]

Kareena, you have to stop placing your worth in the hands of messed up men. You turned over your self worth to your abusive boyfriend and you only took it back from him once you had found another man to give it to. Now are you going to stay stuck with the married guy until another guy comes along and takes over for him?

 

You are young. What else do you want out of life besides a romantic relationship? Why not stand on your own and begin building the life that will make you happy? Why place your future on the fantasy of getting a married man? Even if this MM left his family, divorced and married you, you still wouldn't see true happiness because that really does come from within. No man can give that to you. I know it sounds cliche but it's a cliche because there is so much truth to it. If you came out of a horribly abusive relationship and if you have a pattern of being in dramatic painfilled relationships (and this relationship with MM is just another type of drama and pain filled relationship) then you need to work on you and getting things right inside of you. You don't need lovin from a married man. Thats not going to fix anything and if anything I think it's just going to leave you more broken and with even more issues down the road.

 

I agree!

 

When you get things together with yourself, all else falls into place, and you're actually more able to attract a good relationship as the icing on the cake.

[MissBee]

I found this on addiction and I thought it might be helpful as so many people feel that affairs are addictive.

At the center of every addiction, as at the center of every cyclone, is a vacuum, a still point of emptiness that generates circles of frantic movement at its periphery. By addiction, I do not mean the physical necessity that binds a junkie to heroine or a smoker to nicotine. I use the word to connote a psychic state that remains unchanged throughout the career of his substance abuse

. It is characterized not only by feelings of worthlessness, the conviction that one deserves nothing more than the destiny of a drunk or a junkie but by a blurred and tenuous sense of a self-a fundamental uncertainty about one's own existence.

That uncertainty breeds hunger, a ravenous desire to be filled, to be validated, to be made whole. When the addict takes his fix or the alcoholic his drink what he experiences is not

so

much pleasure as a sense of completion that has been missing until that moment. His drug gives him a brief assurance of his own boundaries and substance; it tells him "here you are." The void calls out for satisfaction, a satisfaction that must be repeated endlessly, since the void is unfillable and that cycle of hunger, momentary completeness and renewed emptiness comes to be the sole drama of the addicts life

 

Peter Trachtenberg

 

OMG....sooooo true!

 

That really illustrates the reality of many people's lives, mine included at one point. Whether your thing is shopping, seeking out romantic relationships, overeating, drinking, etc...ANYTHING can be used to fill that void..but alas it really is unfillable and the momentary completeness of that pie, that shot, that person saying they love you etc doesn't change that and the cycle repeats as you keep yearning.

 

The freedom that comes with being filled genuinely, such that you're not constantly yearning and can actually be discriminating in your life, is priceless!

[spice4life]

Thank you spice4life,ur post really touched me I kept reading it over and over again..I really hope things get better!

 

You are VERY welcome sweety. I am so glad it helped! Life is a journey and the biggest lesson I have learned is that you have to love yourself first and then the rest will start to fall into place. All of the answers you seek are right inside you...you just have to dig a little (or in my case, a lot....lol) to find them. But when you do, that's the good stuff!

[Goldenspoon]

What happened is that you go from one unhealthy realtionship directly into another unhealthy relationship.

 

Do you NEED to be in a relationship to be alive? Can you NOT be single for a while? Say a year or two? Try that.

 

I feel like you ignored my post.

[kareena]

I feel like you ignored my post.

Oh I am so sorry it seemed that way I did not mean to ignore your post in any way,on the contrary,I appreciate you taking the time to post a reply its just that when I read your post it got me thinking and I didn't know what to say..it is true,I have never been single for more than 4 months straight.First it was my high school sweetheart throughout all four years of high school,then it was my abusive BF throughout all four years of university, and now its MM. Please accept my apology. Thank you for posting