Should I stay or should I go?

[Yianks]

No, I agree with you. I meant that if she wanted to leave and not have her cake and eat it too, your NC should have shown her that, and she should have come running. However, what she wanted was to strike your emotion to contact her, thus leaving her with the control.

 

I am proud of you for standing your ground. And if sending her an email telling her how you felt helps you heal....then thats what is important. YOUR healing. You can lay your head down at night knowing you tried everything. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't. But you did what is right for you and thats good.

 

I just thought that with the thread topic "should I stay or should I go"....you were asking if you stick around and keep trying or move on. I was just trying to point out how much game playing she was doing and how her intentions were to have both.

 

Believe me, in my mind after 7 weeks of clear thinking (I hope!) is that she wants both. The email was a way to figure out her true intentions although I truly suspect what are they. If she wanted both that means she will never be happy in her life as the one piece (myself) will be taken away. Perhaps this piece of the pie is more important to her. When and if she realizes that she might come around. But it will be too late for her.

[jj33]

 

During the A period we had arguments, fights, disbeliefs, tears, walkaways from my side and, of course, intense love/erotic feelings. I have decided to end it seven weeks ago, the longest so far, as it got to the point where the trust issues (from both sides) were so serious that I couldn’t see her leaving her H. When I told her that she should continue her life without me she cried, she got upset, she threatened me that she will have a child with her H but she never contacted me afterwards although her Facebook behavior during the NC indicated a confused person being in pain at one time and uploading pictures of her recent vacations with her H, at another.

 

During this time I was in tremendous pain and have done alot of thinking mainly questioning my feelings. I believe that after 7 weeks of NC a person is in a good position to judge if it was just a ‘teenager affair’or a deep love. Yesterday I decided to break my silence with an email stating how painful the pretending was, that we will never be happy pretending for the rest of our lives, that we end up hurting each other but at the end it’s ourselves that suffer. She did not reply so far and dont know if she ever will.

 

So the question is, should I continue showing her how much I love her and want to be with her or should I leave it as it is and wish her all the best?

 

Wow that is a lot of drama. Drama drama drama. And as Seren pointed out the "threat" to have a child? Its very twisted. Unless you thrive on drama and some people do, then consider your email to be a Freudian slip. If she took it as, its over its lucky unless you want more drama.

[wannabdone]

Believe me, in my mind after 7 weeks of clear thinking (I hope!) is that she wants both. The email was a way to figure out her true intentions although I truly suspect what are they. If she wanted both that means she will never be happy in her life as the one piece (myself) will be taken away. Perhaps this piece of the pie is more important to her. When and if she realizes that she might come around. But it will be too late for her.

 

 

You know, that is the sad part. I do think that once my xMM realizes I am totally gone, he will crumble. I don't think he will stay M forever. It might be years down the line, I don't know. I won't be around to see it. But I do think he will, and I know he will try to get me back...and I know it will be too late. Just so sad, that they are so dumb.

 

Again, proud of you!!!!

[Yianks]

Wow that is a lot of drama. Drama drama drama. And as Seren pointed out the "threat" to have a child? Its very twisted. Unless you thrive on drama and some people do, then consider your email to be a Freudian slip. If she took it as, its over its lucky unless you want more drama.

 

Drama is good sometimes but not always. After a year and a half and after 7 weeks of NC I have made my last move.

 

For myself and not for her. She has only one way to go: to her H.

However, I have a whole new prospects and a new, exciting people to meet. That should give some hope to all the OM out there!

[Yianks]

You know, that is the sad part. I do think that once my xMM realizes I am totally gone, he will crumble. I don't think he will stay M forever. It might be years down the line, I don't know. I won't be around to see it. But I do think he will, and I know he will try to get me back...and I know it will be too late. Just so sad, that they are so dumb.

 

Again, proud of you!!!!

 

Proud of you also that you think so high of yourself. Its funny how life works but if you truly let go of something it comes around. After all, there are so many good apples in the box, why do we humans insist on picking the rotten one?

[spice4life]

 

I believed that after 7 weeks of NC a person with true in love feelings would have grabbed the opportunity that she was given. Perhaps I was wrong again believing that this NC period would have changed her intentions.

 

I'm sorry, but that is manipulation. From the little bit you shared in this thread, it sounds like the two of you had a very unhealthy relationship on top of the screwy dynamics of the A. Honestly, you cannot force someone to change their situation by abandoning them only to come back, when YOU feel enough time has lapsed hoping they feel different. Only SHE can change that...not you.

 

Plus, you didn't really go NC because you were stalking her FB. More evidence that the two of you had a really unhealthy dynamic. You were WATCHING and she knew it and was trying to make you hurt even more. What kind of relationship is that?

 

NC is for you, not her. It's for YOU to put things in perspective for yourself. I recommend you go complete NC and that means stop stalking her FB and quit worrying about how she feels. If it was meant to be, she will come around in her time. In the meantime, grieve the loss and focus on your own life because there is nothing you can do about hers...that is completely up to her.

[wannabdone]

Proud of you also that you think so high of yourself. Its funny how life works but if you truly let go of something it comes around. After all, there are so many good apples in the box, why do we humans insist on picking the rotten one?

 

 

Hell if I know. Seems to be one of my biggest problems. Maybe to help "fix" them? Maybe we don't see ourselves as good as we are? Maybe we don't think we deserve the best? Who knows. Hopefully I will figure that out some day. For I sure picked and fell head over heels for someone who wasn't available for me.

[Emme]

There are no children in the picture. She can walk away if she truly wanted to. There is no excuse or reason. That’s all I have to say.

[whichwayisup]

There are no children in the picture. She can walk away if she truly wanted to. There is no excuse or reason. That’s all I have to say.

 

Completely agree. Something is keeping her there. We ALL know those who want to divorce, make it happen, kids or no kids.

[kareena]

She threatened to have a baby?? Don't you think that a woman who is willing to have a child,her own flesh and blood just to get back at someone is not exactly the type of woman you want to be with? even if she didn't really mean it and only said that to piss you off or whatever,the fact that such a thing would even cross her mind for a second IMHO indicates a very selfish personality.

[nonamefornow]

Hi Yianks

 

Sorry for your pain and she does sound ultimately selfish. May I ask though, how you have coped in work? I also work with xMM but due to external circumstances (like me being off ill for 11 weeks, being a basket case) I haven't seen him there.

 

Just wondered if you've any tips on how to get through the day with them on the radar...........

 

Thanks

[Yianks]

I'm sorry, but that is manipulation. From the little bit you shared in this thread, it sounds like the two of you had a very unhealthy relationship on top of the screwy dynamics of the A. Honestly, you cannot force someone to change their situation by abandoning them only to come back, when YOU feel enough time has lapsed hoping they feel different. Only SHE can change that...not you.

 

Plus, you didn't really go NC because you were stalking her FB. More evidence that the two of you had a really unhealthy dynamic. You were WATCHING and she knew it and was trying to make you hurt even more. What kind of relationship is that?

 

NC is for you, not her. It's for YOU to put things in perspective for yourself. I recommend you go complete NC and that means stop stalking her FB and quit worrying about how she feels. If it was meant to be, she will come around in her time. In the meantime, grieve the loss and focus on your own life because there is nothing you can do about hers...that is completely up to her.

 

Thank you for the valuable comments. One of the main reasons that I've posted at LS is to see my mistakes. That will help me as a person to grow/improve. NC was done as I could see no other option in this difficult A. Yes, mainly for me but also for her to clear her intentions.

 

It was and it is up to her up to a certain timeframe. Is not fair to wait for much longer in order for her to make up her mind (if she ever). Perhaps the email was a way to clear things up...perhaps it will, perhaps it wont. All I know is that time is passing by and we get older not younger. Maybe it was never meant to be.

[Yianks]

Hell if I know. Seems to be one of my biggest problems. Maybe to help "fix" them? Maybe we don't see ourselves as good as we are? Maybe we don't think we deserve the best? Who knows. Hopefully I will figure that out some day. For I sure picked and fell head over heels for someone who wasn't available for me.

 

Hello wannabdone.

 

I read this somewhere that relates to what you are saying:

 

'To stick around in a poisonous relationship is a clear indicator that you do not respect yourself enough to demand better, and/or that you are needy and desperate enough to believe that yo cannot 'do better' than your current partner.'

[Yianks]

She threatened to have a baby?? Don't you think that a woman who is willing to have a child,her own flesh and blood just to get back at someone is not exactly the type of woman you want to be with? even if she didn't really mean it and only said that to piss you off or whatever,the fact that such a thing would even cross her mind for a second IMHO indicates a very selfish personality.

 

I am as much confused as you when you read this.

 

Btw, I wished her all the best in her marriage after this. That was 7 weeks ago when NC started. Maybe the time has come for a complete NC. After all, we never really had each other.

[Yianks]

Hi Yianks

 

Sorry for your pain and she does sound ultimately selfish. May I ask though, how you have coped in work? I also work with xMM but due to external circumstances (like me being off ill for 11 weeks, being a basket case) I haven't seen him there.

 

Just wondered if you've any tips on how to get through the day with them on the radar...........

 

Thanks

 

Its very difficult at work, I admit. One of the most difficult periods of my life, even worst than my divorce six years ago.

 

Focus on your work quality as much as you can. Improve the relationship with your colleagues and be cool and relaxed around him. That gives a message to yourself that you have high value.

 

If he ever uses company resources to communicate (i.e. work email) and you want to reply dont do it. Use a personal email instead. This will help you draw the line between work and the difficult A.

[Yianks]

There are no children in the picture. She can walk away if she truly wanted to. There is no excuse or reason. That’s all I have to say.

 

You are so right. One of the main reasons of the frequent arguments was that no valuable excuses were given. We got caught in serious circles of mistrusts.

 

Yes it was a very unhealthy R that even if she leaves her H, I truly do not know what foundations we have to start a good and long-term R.

 

Love (or whatever we had) sometimes is not enough.

[spice4life]

You are so right. One of the main reasons of the frequent arguments was that no valuable excuses were given. We got caught in serious circles of mistrusts.

 

Yes it was a very unhealthy R that even if she leaves her H, I truly do not know what foundations we have to start a good and long-term R.

 

Love (or whatever we had) sometimes is not enough.

 

This is precisely why complete NC and focusing on your own life is important. Once you do that, you will realize that putting a time stamp on someone, as an expectation, doesn't work. The time stamp should be for you and not a tool to see how someone else feels.

 

To be honest, there is no real way for you to know how the relationship would be as long as she has her husband as a safety net. It sets the stage for games and doesn't allow either of you to truly confront the relationship issues head on. I'm willing to bet that when the water was rough between the two of you, she resorted to saying (to herself), "I don't have to put up with this, I have a relationship and a life already." See what I'm saying? You never had a chance. The safety net of her marriage allowed her to judge you unfairly and it gave her an out, so she didn't have to do the "real" work to make your relationship better. I'm not saying she did this consciously...she probably doesn't even realize that is what she is doing. She won't realize it until she gets rid of the safety net. Then and only then, will this relationship have a "real" chance. Until then, it will be nothing more than a game. It's up to her at this point though...there is nothing you can do about it until she chooses to change HER situation.

Edited September 25, 2011 by spice4life

[Yianks]

This is precisely why complete NC and focusing on your own life is important. Once you do that, you will realize that putting a time stamp on someone, as an expectation, doesn't work. The time stamp should be for you and not a tool to see how someone else feels.

 

To be honest, there is no real way for you to know how the relationship would be as long as she has her husband as a safety net. It sets the stage for games and doesn't allow either of you to truly confront the relationship issues head on. I'm willing to bet that when the water was rough between the two of you, she resorted to saying (to herself), "I don't have to put up with this, I have a relationship and a life already." See what I'm saying? You never had a chance. The safety net of her marriage allowed her to judge you unfairly and it gave her an out, so she didn't have to do the "real" work to make your relationship better. I'm not saying she did this consciously...she probably doesn't even realize that is what she is doing. She won't realize it until she gets rid of the safety net. Then and only then, will this relationship have a "real" chance. Until then, it will be nothing more than a game. It's up to her at this point though...there is nothing you can do about it until she chooses to change HER situation.

 

You read through her.

 

Everytime we had serious arguments I saw new pictures of her and her H on FB, the day after. Mainly pictures taken few years back. One time she went as far to write something romantic on his FB page.

 

Whether it was a way to get me upset (and she did) or not, what remained is that I trusted her less and less.

 

Sometimes I just wish love (or whatever I felt) could somehow magically go away as I am just tired of this hurtful game.

[East7]

To be honest, there is no real way for you to know how the relationship would be as long as she has her husband as a safety net. It sets the stage for games and doesn't allow either of you to truly confront the relationship issues head on. I'm willing to bet that when the water was rough between the two of you, she resorted to saying (to herself), "I don't have to put up with this, I have a relationship and a life already." See what I'm saying? You never had a chance. The safety net of her marriage allowed her to judge you unfairly and it gave her an out, so she didn't have to do the "real" work to make your relationship better. I'm not saying she did this consciously...she probably doesn't even realize that is what she is doing. She won't realize it until she gets rid of the safety net. Then and only then, will this relationship have a "real" chance. Until then, it will be nothing more than a game. It's up to her at this point though...there is nothing you can do about it until she chooses to change HER situation.

 

 

This is an excellent perspective. Kudos Spice.

 

Yianks, the "safety net" concept is something that puts her in the comfort zone without having to work on a relationship with you that she considers as an entertainment. It is so easy for her to judge you and make you look like the bad guy. If her H discovers, she will drop you like a used rug and you will see her true colors. She will tell him you are just 'friends' and he has not to worry because she loves him.

 

She lives in another reality. She goes back home every evening, prepares the dinner to her H and goes to bed with him and the next morning she tells you how much she loves you... Can you see the disconnection from reality and words.

 

Some MW are so selfish that they don't even realize what they are doing or saying. Some use manipulation without real bad intention. They are so addicted to their lover that they don't even realize that they are using/hurting them. It is a kind of emotional abuse. In fact they don't care about their lover's feelings. They are so focused on their own feelings that they do whatever it takes to keep their lover from walking.

 

I want to warn you on another thing : it will be very hard to get over her ! It will take time. Right now you are just at the beginning, you have a lot of work left to get over her.

 

The emotional bond in affairs is extremely powerful. You will go through the rollercoaster of hating her and longing for her. NC is a tool for making this less painful. If you keep communicating with her it will be like a painkiller pill but at the end you will realize that nothing has changed and you will hurt again. There are some OM here who have waited their MW for years and nothing has ever changed. If they don't divorce at the beginning, they never will.

 

Your goal must be acceptation. Accept the fact that she has made the decision to stay and her love for you is only a sweet fantasy, not a real life plan to be with you.

[Yianks]

This is an excellent perspective. Kudos Spice.

 

Yianks, the "safety net" concept is something that puts her in the comfort zone without having to work on a relationship with you that she considers as an entertainment. It is so easy for her to judge you and make you look like the bad guy. If her H discovers, she will drop you like a used rug and you will see her true colors. She will tell him you are just 'friends' and he has not to worry because she loves him.

 

She lives in another reality. She goes back home every evening, prepares the dinner to her H and goes to bed with him and the next morning she tells you how much she loves you... Can you see the disconnection from reality and words.

 

Some MW are so selfish that they don't even realize what they are doing or saying. Some use manipulation without real bad intention. They are so addicted to their lover that they don't even realize that they are using/hurting them. It is a kind of emotional abuse. In fact they don't care about their lover's feelings. They are so focused on their own feelings that they do whatever it takes to keep their lover from walking.

 

I want to warn you on another thing : it will be very hard to get over her ! It will take time. Right now you are just at the beginning, you have a lot of work left to get over her.

 

The emotional bond in affairs is extremely powerful. You will go through the rollercoaster of hating her and longing for her. NC is a tool for making this less painful. If you keep communicating with her it will be like a painkiller pill but at the end you will realize that nothing has changed and you will hurt again. There are some OM here who have waited their MW for years and nothing has ever changed. If they don't divorce at the beginning, they never will.

 

Your goal must be acceptation. Accept the fact that she has made the decision to stay and her love for you is only a sweet fantasy, not a real life plan to be with you.

 

Very valuable comments indeed.

 

Glad that communities like the LS help us understand what others experienced before us. Yes, at the beginning (6 months into the A) she was more determined to divorce. When she realized that none from her family side will stand for her, she choose the easy way out....the lover AND the H.

 

That's when the frequent arguments began. Unfortunately, I didn't leave back then and I regret about this. I stayed at a poisonous R full of pain. I left her many times and everytime she trusted me less, I trusted her less. Vicous circles, cruel behaviors from both of us. At the end.....pain.