What I've Learned

[datingSeparatedM]

Hi,

 

I just had the worst week of my life and learned a lot from the experience of dating a separated man. It's my first and will be my last time dating such a loser. Here are things I've learned from this experience. I want to share them with you. Please share your valuable insights you've learned from your experiences, so we can all learn and get better.

 

What I've learned:

 

- It's a common strategy for the MM or separated man to come on really strong and pursue you. Once he knew he got you full attention, he will start to give less and less, until you have all your boundaries crossed and he calls all the shots.

 

- If the man still has a wife or girlfriend or even an ex he talks about a lot, he's not emotionally available 100% for you. Part of his mind is still stuck on her. He's emotionally unavailable.

 

- If you give him a boundary, he will initially agree to it, but later, he will test it. If you allow him to cross it, he knew that he could cross all your boundaries.

 

- Golden test: you know your boundary has been crossed, when you feel bad about yourself. That's when to communicate that feeling. Don't be afraid to assert yourself. It's his job to make you feel treasured and special. If not, he needs to go.

 

- Shutting down what he says and make a decision based on his actions only. The guy I dated promised and said all the right things: he loves me, he wants a future with me, 3 kids, and etc.

 

- If you're dating an emotionally unavailable, you might be an emotionally unavailable woman, just like him. This is the most important thing I've learned.

 

- An attached man makes an emotionally unavailable woman feel safe to date him, because subconsciously she doesn't want commitment and may sabotage any relationships that could lead to that. When I think back of my past relationships, I always sabotage a good relationship by creating drama or dating someone who can never commit.

 

- When a man crosses your boundary after you told him not to, he's violating you emotionally. Just like physical violation, emotional violation shouldn't be tolerated.

 

Please share your thoughts too. I want to learn more and have a happier life.

Edited September 24, 2011 by datingSeparatedM

[datingSeparatedM]

Also:

 

- If the beginning was so good, never use those good memories to justify his bad behaviors later. What's important is now. He's either emotionally there for you now or not.

[datingSeparatedM]

- It strokes his ego that he could make an attractive, intelligent woman with options adapt to his ridiculously dysfunctional behaviors.

[nonamefornow]

Good points, I can identify - I think almost all have been used on me by him! He's still full of contradictions on a daily basis - say one thing and renege on that a few hours later - infuriating and frustrating all at once

[missy268]

Also:

 

- If the beginning was so good, never use those good memories to justify his bad behaviors later. What's important is now. He's either emotionally there for you now or not.

 

I like that simply because i think about all the things he told me in the beginning, he couldnt of meant any of it if hes not here now can he!

 

xx

[datingSeparatedM]

- An attached man can't commit to anything, including letting you go.

[wannabdone]

Hi,

 

I just had the worst week of my life and learned a lot from the experience of dating a separated man. It's my first and will be my last time dating such a loser. Here are things I've learned from this experience. I want to share them with you. Please share your valuable insights you've learned from your experiences, so we can all learn and get better.

 

What I've learned:

 

- It's a common strategy for the MM or separated man to come on really strong and pursue you. Once he knew he got you full attention, he will start to give less and less, until you have all your boundaries crossed and he calls all the shots.

 

- If the man still has a wife or girlfriend or even an ex he talks about a lot, he's not emotionally available 100% for you. Part of his mind is still stuck on her. He's emotionally unavailable.

 

- If you give him a boundary, he will initially agree to it, but later, he will test it. If you allow him to cross it, he knew that he could cross all your boundaries.

 

- Golden test: you know your boundary has been crossed, when you feel bad about yourself. That's when to communicate that feeling. Don't be afraid to assert yourself. It's his job to make you feel treasured and special. If not, he needs to go.

 

- Shutting down what he says and make a decision based on his actions only. The guy I dated promised and said all the right things: he loves me, he wants a future with me, 3 kids, and etc.

 

- If you're dating an emotionally unavailable, you might be an emotionally unavailable woman, just like him. This is the most important thing I've learned.

 

- An attached man makes an emotionally unavailable woman feel safe to date him, because subconsciously she doesn't want commitment and may sabotage any relationships that could lead to that. When I think back of my past relationships, I always sabotage a good relationship by creating drama or dating someone who can never commit.

 

- When a man crosses your boundary after you told him not to, he's violating you emotionally. Just like physical violation, emotional violation shouldn't be tolerated.

 

Please share your thoughts too. I want to learn more and have a happier life.

 

 

This is also called NARCASSISM.

 

You are spot on. Except, I disagree with the part of his mind being on her. I find that he keeps his foot in the door with both parties, because his mind is constantly ON HIMSELF!!! It is all based on what benefits HIM only.

 

Proud of the clairty you have. KEEP IT UP!!!

[datingSeparatedM]

- How he manipulates to manage down your expectations:

 

Step 1: You believe as an intelligent, attractive, single woman, you deserve the best! And he makes you believe that he's the right guy by pursuing you intensely and saying all the right things.

 

Step 2: Once you're hooked, the following happens: excuses, no-shows, last minute cancellations, being moody, being angry with you for no reason, calling you needy, and etc.

 

Step 3: You had enough and ready to move on. He starts the intense pursuit again. You thought this time would be different.

 

Step 4: Once you're hooked, bad behaviors come back. Now, you starts to believe that maybe you're not the confident, intelligent, attractive woman you're.

....

 

Step 100: Permanently low expectation - He has succeeded at getting your expectations so low at this point that you would put up with anything. A text/email is good enough. You feel bad about yourself. Your health deteriorates. Your work suffers. You're a mess. The only thing that's important in your life is a little of his attention. It will make you day...

[datingSeparatedM]

- If the guy has a large group of female friends made of ex-girlfriends and women who're interested in him, he only wants women for ego boost. Don't allow him to add you to his collections.

[wannabdone]

You forgot to add how not only does he call you needy.... but he calls you selfish.

 

haha... Which I find so ironic.

[whichwayisup]

This is also called NARCASSISM.

 

You are spot on. Except, I disagree with the part of his mind being on her. I find that he keeps his foot in the door with both parties, because his mind is constantly ON HIMSELF!!! It is all based on what benefits HIM only.

 

Proud of the clairty you have. KEEP IT UP!!!

 

Definate traits of narcissism for sure!

 

It's amazing to read (well not really but you know what I mean) how many traits are shared by MM and MW during an affair. Do they just become more selfish while continuing the A, or were they always that selfish but it never had a chance to come out?

[country_gurl]

He was obviously a jerk but you have to take responsibility for your poor choices here, too.

 

We pointed out the many, MANY "red flags" when you previously posted about this obviously-married guy (when you were posting with a different username: ilovehim77), you even busted him then for lying about having filed for a legal separation (when you were rightly suspicious of his status you told him to have his lawyer send you a copy of the separation documents, he claimed he had the best divorce attorney in Cali and that it's not required in that state to file separation papers) and we pleaded with you to leave him alone and have No Contact, telling you how "narcissistic" he was (his rude/narcissistic text messages that you posted in that thread).....yet you ignored all that and recently moved in with him. Your previously posting history here (with this current username) shows that you were really all about dating someone who was "rich and powerful" so it would appear that you chose money over common sense. That's not his fault.

 

In the very enlightening thread of yours below, you admit that he'd finally admitted to you that he wasn't legally separated...............yet you moved in with him, a Married Man, anyway. Why aren't you taking any responsibility for that?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299068/

[Gentlegirl]

Hi all,

 

I think xMM's profile on the dating website he crawls around would define Narcissism.

 

It goes roughly like this:

 

"Hello to you. Do you feeling you are missing that something special? Are you missing out on tenderness and caring and intimacy? You can be married or single but should be busy with a full life.

 

I am happily married. I lack intimacy and true closeness in my marriage.

 

I am looking for women for friendship. I do believe every human being is ENTITLED and DESERVES physical closeness and intimacy in their lives to make them feel special.

 

I am tall, slim, fit, healthy and happy.

 

Please do not contact me unless you are looking for a serious long term relationship."

 

That's approximately what he wrote...Ubelievable!!!!!

 

I remember it quite well because my eyes almost feel out when I read it.

 

They're out there ladies and gentlemen, the ones who are blessed and ENTITLED to take whatever they want... bugger the boundaries of the marriage vows!

 

Gentlegirl.

[country_gurl]

HERE is your other post, when you were posting about this scumbag but with your "other" username:

And here is your other post, with your 'other' username.........that leaves out very key details such that of course you're going to get lots of sympathy here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t296042/

 

How can you really expect to get proper/helpful advise when you post with different usernames and omit pertinent info? What a waste of time for those reading/responding.

 

Take some responsibility for your actions. You knowingly got involved with a man who claimed to be separated..........he wanted different things than you (you wanted marriage and kids; he already has 3 kids).....you busted him re: his lie about having filed for a legal separation........yet you still recently moved in with him and blaming him for everything. We warned you in the other thread that the guy was a lying weasel and we literally begged you to have no further contact with him...........advising you that he was still VERY MUCH MARRIED......likely hadn't been away on business for 2 months but just living then with his wife and children............you'd known him for 1 month in person (and then 2 months him being away) and you find out he's not even separated and lied about it but your desire for a rich dude caused you to ask him if you could move in and you did a few days ago and are now shocked how things turned out? Accountability.

[wannabdone]

He was obviously a jerk but you have to take responsibility for your poor choices here, too.

 

We pointed out the many, MANY "red flags" when you previously posted about this obviously-married guy (when you were posting with a different username: ilovehim77), you even busted him then for lying about having filed for a legal separation (when you were rightly suspicious of his status you told him to have his lawyer send you a copy of the separation documents, he claimed he had the best divorce attorney in Cali and that it's not required in that state to file separation papers) and we pleaded with you to leave him alone and have No Contact, telling you how "narcissistic" he was (his rude/narcissistic text messages that you posted in that thread).....yet you ignored all that and recently moved in with him. Your previously posting history here (with this current username) shows that you were really all about dating someone who was "rich and powerful" so it would appear that you chose money over common sense. That's not his fault.

 

In the very enlightening thread of yours below, you admit that he'd finally admitted to you that he wasn't legally separated...............yet you moved in with him, a Married Man, anyway. Why aren't you taking any responsibility for that?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299068/

 

 

Okay CG..... impressive if this is the same poster as the ilovehim77. How did you figure it out? I only saw the time line and the way that she said your name.

Seriously... how do you remember all of that??? You got a hella mind, sister!!

[country_gurl]

Okay CG..... impressive if this is the same poster as the ilovehim77. How did you figure it out? I only saw the time line and the way that she said your name.

Seriously... how do you remember all of that??? You got a hella mind, sister!!

 

I also have a photographic memory when it comes to phone numbers and grocery prices! LOL

 

When I was reading her post here, the one where she wrote about issues with this guy after having just moved in with him, I asked a few questions. The info she responded with was quite familiar to me......him having 3 kids, claiming to have been separated x 2 years, him having told her that she had the 'best divorce attorney in town' and how she'd requested to see the separation papers but they couldn't be produced. Those were the things that seemed ALL strangely familiar so I checked my posting history and came across the thread by ilovehim77 and voila! :-)

[wannabdone]

I also have a photographic memory when it comes to phone numbers and grocery prices! LOL

 

When I was reading her post here, the one where she wrote about issues with this guy after having just moved in with him, I asked a few questions. The info she responded with was quite familiar to me......him having 3 kids, claiming to have been separated x 2 years, him having told her that she had the 'best divorce attorney in town' and how she'd requested to see the separation papers but they couldn't be produced. Those were the things that seemed ALL strangely familiar so I checked my posting history and came across the thread by ilovehim77 and voila! :-)

 

 

NICELY DONE!!!! Seriously IMPRESSED.

 

I just noticed she typed your name the same. Not many people say country_gurl.

 

I for one am lazy... I prefer.... CG!

[country_gurl]

NICELY DONE!!!! Seriously IMPRESSED.

 

I just noticed she typed your name the same. Not many people say country_gurl.

 

I for one am lazy... I prefer.... CG!

 

Well now I'M impressed because I totally missed that and you obviously didn't. LOL

[wannabdone]

Well now I'M impressed because I totally missed that and you obviously didn't. LOL

 

 

Together we could rule the world!!! LOL.

[MissBee]

Hi all,

 

I think xMM's profile on the dating website he crawls around would define Narcissism.

 

It goes roughly like this:

 

"Hello to you. Do you feeling you are missing that something special? Are you missing out on tenderness and caring and intimacy? You can be married or single but should be busy with a full life.

 

I am happily married. I lack intimacy and true closeness in my marriage.

 

I am looking for women for friendship. I do believe every human being is ENTITLED and DESERVES physical closeness and intimacy in their lives to make them feel special.

 

I am tall, slim, fit, healthy and happy.

 

Please do not contact me unless you are looking for a serious long term relationship."

 

That's approximately what he wrote...Ubelievable!!!!!

 

I remember it quite well because my eyes almost feel out when I read it.

 

They're out there ladies and gentlemen, the ones who are blessed and ENTITLED to take whatever they want... bugger the boundaries of the marriage vows!

 

Gentlegirl.

 

 

Wow....smh

[Gentlegirl]

What does smh mean please?

 

GG

[Gentlegirl]

I had to look it up. lol It's shake my head.

 

 

You can see why she wrote that!

 

GG

[datingSeparatedM]

country_gurl,

 

You need to stop stalking me on the forum.

 

I created this thread, so we can all learn and grow and get better dealing with emotionally unavailable men.

 

I changed my username, because you were trying to tell me what to do on the other thread. Overbearing and annoying!

 

I'm here to learn and get advice, not for someone with a bully tendency, telling me how I should live my life.

 

What? You feel no power in other areas of your life and have no other places except here to exercise your bully side?

 

Leave my thread. Your advice is not welcomed. Get lost.

Edited September 25, 2011 by datingSeparatedM

[country_gurl]

country_gurl,

 

You need to stop stalking me on the forum.

 

I created this thread, so we can all learn and grow and get better dealing with emotionally unavailable men.

 

I changed my username, because you were trying to tell me what to do on the other thread. Overbearing and annoying!

 

I'm here to learn and get advice, not for someone with a bully tendency, telling me how I should live my life.

 

What? You feel no power in other areas of your life and have no other places except here to exercise your bully side?

 

Leave my thread. Your advice is not welcomed. Get lost.

 

1. I would venture to guess that it's a breach of the TOS of these forums to post with multiple usernames.

 

2. These are public forums and you have no right to dictate who can or cannot respond to your threads

 

3. It is ludicrous for you to claim that the "reason" you changed to this username is because of responses I gave you in that other thread, give your head a shake. Numerous people told you in that thread that this guy is a narcissist and that he's a liar and still very much married. People in that thread, myself included, were offering you nothing but support to help you "see" what he was all about. He claimed that he did not have to file for a legal separation because that's not required in Cali. Many of us, myself included, posted info and links to help prove to you that this was nothing but a lie (remember, when you were asking him to have his lawyer send you a copy of his separation and he claimed no such papers existed?). You then indicated you believed he was lying. We were begging you to go NC but you continued to text with him.

 

The ONLY reason that you are here using THIS username is not because of me, it is because you're embarrassed that you knew at that point that he was nothing but a married liar but INSTEAD you are so desperate for a good looking rich guy that you disregarded his lies and marital status, and you asked him if you could move in with him; a guy you knew for one measly month (the other 2 months he was "away on business" - likely just living at home with his wife) and then things haven't turned out so well for you.

 

Now you are blaming HIM for everything; claiming he's an 'unavailable man' and bad-mouthing him here, without taking any personal responsibility for YOUR choice to continue your addiction to him even when you KNEW he wasn't even legally separated. YOU made the choice to live with another woman's husband.

 

If you are so hell-bent on becoming some rich liar's mistress, knock yourself out but I think it's really shady of you to post here asking for advise, then when you don't read what you like, you create a new username and fail to give all of the details, just looking for sympathy.

 

Don't come to a free relationship advice forum if you're not prepared for the advice that you'll receive.

 

You claim with your other username/thread, I was "telling you what to do"....well no sh*t sherlock, do you not understand the concept of asking for advice on a forum?

[wannabdone]

I have to say, I am confused.

 

You said you changed your user name because of the things that CG said to you on the last thread? But yet, I went back through it and reread every single post she made, all of which were very helpful, and some point were quite nice. She told you that you deserved better, how sorry she was that you got duped, offered you links as to CA Laws, even said "hugs" in one of them. They only thing I saw was her calling him a liar. So why blame it on her?

 

Also, I'm kind of wondering why you wouldn't just come on here and say "okay, i'm stupid. I know you guys said this, but I went ahead and did it anyway". Trust me, everyone makes mistakes. Did you think you would get jumped on?

 

Fact is absolutely no one can help you or offer you support if you aren't willing to own your actions.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through what you are going through. But, honestly until CG figured out you had another name before, she was really very kind.