Am I done?

[thompscs]

I won't make this long. Here's the deal. I broke my ex gf's heart about two years ago. Then realized I made a huge mistake. She's moved on and is dating someone else. She was talking with me for a while via e-mail and once over the phone but never once did she commit to coming back when I made it clear I wanted her back. I've done everything to try to restart things. I've tried writing her sincere letters, sending her flowers, I've remembered her birthdays....all the things I am not supposed to do. She blocks and unblocks my number all the time which I am not sure if she is doing that just to get revenge and play with my heart or if she is just forgetting to keep my number blocked. I am trying to date other people and move on but she is in the back of my mind. Is there anything else I can try that might get her back? I did leave her a voicemail recently that I would like to see her for my 30th birthday in December and told her that is what I want for my birthday. I also told her to follow her heart and not necessarily what others might be saying about me. What should I do? Give up? I love her.

[norajane]

In your letters, did you address the set of issues and fears that caused you to break her heart? Did you genuinely communicate to her that you understand why you did whatever you did, and that you have done a lot of thinking about those issues and fears over the last 2 years? Did you offer to communicate with her about it openly and honestly if and when she is ready to talk with you?

 

Then you've done everything you can do to open the door. She has to choose to walk through. And that will depend on a lot of things, none of which we can predict.

 

You said you spoke back and forth through email...what kinds of things did she say in her emails to you?

[TheDovic]

Can I ask why you broke up with her? And did you only realise this was a mistake when she moved on?

[thompscs]

I broke up with her at the time because I was selfish and I wasn't sure I was ready to settle down. But I didn't tell her that at the time we broke up. I just told her we had a lot of differences. But I soon realized that I loved her and was ready to settle down and make that commitment. I waited about 6 months before contacting her and I did not know at the time she was dating somebody else.

Anyway for the last 2 years, we have pretty much went from her communicating with me when I send her flowers and she would say things like "maybe we can talk sometime down the road, my life is complicated." To now, it has gotten so bad that we talked on the phone in February which she agreed to do with me. I explained what happened and all my mistakes and apologized for them and she said she appreciated that and I told her how beautiful she was and her heart seemed to melt on the phone. But things have gotten so bad since then that now she doesn't want to talk to me at all and has blocked my phone off and on and doesn't return my e-mails. This all seemed to spiral downhill after I told her I still had feelings for her and wanted her back. So anyway, I have now told her I respect her wishes to move on and won't bother her anymore. So my question is......is she playing with my heart now as revenge, is she confused or does she just need more time and I need to do my own thing and not worry about her? I am a redhead and she is hispanic so we both have hot tempers and it takes her a long time to cool off. I mean a long time.

[M2155]

I don't think there is anything you can really do if she is happy with someone else.

 

You could try just letting up a little bit and being friendly. Not friend-zone but if she has an accomplishment or needs an ear or shoulder to lean on be there. And be flirty and fun in your exchanges without pressuring her to get back toghether. Either have to wait it out till her current relationship goes sour or she has to see/remember something in you that she isn't getting in her current relationship.

 

My ex went back to his ex after a little over 1.5 years, I think he felt something was missing and I assume it was easier to get it back with her than trying to make it work with me- so it can happen. But you can't force it, let her figure it out.

[thompscs]

I had a date scheduled for tonight with a new girl but I got stood up and have done some casual dating while trying to move on. But would someone answer this for me. My ex gf goes back and forth from saying I don't ever want to talk to you again to saying maybe we can talk sometime when I do something nice for her like remember her birthday or send her flowers to now she is now saying I don't want to talk to you ever again when I brought up the prospect of us getting back together. And she has stuck by that so far. I haven't heard anything from her and I am upset by it. She had said she was in a relationship for 7 months with this new guy but the math just doesn't add up on that and I really don't know if she is happy with him or not since we don't have any mutual friends. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE THIS GIRL. So is there anything else I can do to get her back other than waiting and dating others? Does anyone have any suggestions? I have written her letters, sent her flowers, remembered her birthdays, hell I even sent her an edible arrangement. Her last marriage ended with a domestic issue so I can understand why her trust and tolerance for men is low especially since I broke her heart too. But I made a mistake, apologized for it and now I need her to put her pride aside. Just frustrating.

[PaperClip81]

Unfortunately it sounds like you need to let her go. Its been two years since your break up. She's happy in a new relationship and basically ignores all of your attempts to get in touch with her. Wouldn't you think perhaps that the blocked number is a clue? It also sounds like what you are doing is bordering on stalking her. Let her go and heal yourself, then maybe down the road she'll see a more confident you and appreciate and respect you more.

[thompscs]

I hope that is not the impression that I am giving her......one of stalking her. I have been very careful to try to not give her that impression. I have spaced out my contacts with her to about every 3 to 4 months. There are times she has responded nicely and times that she has not. Some have been cordial on her part and others have been direct about her being in a relationship. But it is in her hands and there really is nothing I can do. I don't know whether she is dating somebody or not. She says she is, but maybe she isn't. When she says she is in a relationship, she has kind of went out of her way to rub that in my face and I didn't like that. But I think that was just payback for me breaking her heart. But her situation is jacked up. Her brothers are bipolar and on drugs, her ex husband was a piece of crap and abusive and her mother isn't much better. So she has a lot on her and she knows that I now know all this about her family. And I think that might be affecting my situation with her as well. So I told her I love her last time I had written to her and I told her that she is my best friend and that I would love to go to church with her sometime and that I wanted her to follow her heart. And in the end if her heart leads her back to me, that would be great. If not, there's really nothing I can do about it. That's what I told her. What do you all think?

[M2155]

She has to find happiness within herself and deal with all her issues before she can commit to you.

 

She doesn't have to worry about losing you for good since you have shown you are there and aren't giving up (this is the reason we say that maybe you should let go, so she doesn't have you to fall back on and is forced to face her current situation head-on).

 

You asked her to get back together instead of letting her come to that conclusion. You have a delicate situation so you shouldn't ask that if you aren't 89% sure she is thinking the same thing. It's kind of pushing her instead of pulling her in.

 

She sometimes responds kindly and sometime more cold because she responds with how she is feeling at the moment. Maybe there are times she wishes you would just leave her alone so she can deal with the first point I made. Other times you are happy to have someone there for you.

 

You are correct that there is nothing you can do. Tell her you are there if she wants to talk but you can't force it. She knows the door is open but obviously has something to work out that is beyond her relationship with you.

[thompscs]

Good advice. A couple more things. Do ex girlfriends usually read e-mails from their exes. Also, she has a birthday coming up on Jan 18 and it is her 35th birthday but my 30th birthday is coming up a month before in December of this year. As I said on here, I left her a voicemail saying I would like nothing more than to see her for my 30th birthday. And I don't plan on contacting her anymore. The ball is in her court. She knows how much it would mean to me. So is it safe to assume if she doesn't contact me for my birthday, my 30th birthday, then I should forget her birthday? How do I handle that situation? I mean for the last 2 years I have remembered her birthday.

To be exact I haven't heard from her since Feb. 20 of this year. She said at that time her feelings had changed and that we weren't compatible and that she couldn't try to make it work anymore. But she had said that before in the past when we had trouble and always came back until I screwed up and broke her heart. She told me while we were dating that she had never been friends with anyone after breaking up before with a man, that most men don't make it past a second date with her and then she told me she would love me no matter what happened. But there have been no responses to e-mails, phone calls, flowers or nothing since Feb 20. But at the same time she hasn't said it is annoying her. So I feel like she might be playing a game with me or holding on to me as a fallback until she can feel this current situation out with this dude. I feel like I need to skip her birthday just to force her hand so to speak in the coming year. But if you all think I should try to do something for her birthday, what can I do to set myself apart? I guess I am in the same boat as a lot of people on here. I'm just waiting for her to break up or for me to meet somebody new. Thanks again for all the advice.

[M2155]

Good advice. A couple more things. Do ex girlfriends usually read e-mails from their exes.

 

Yes. But to be honest she probably already knows what you have to say so she won't need to.

 

Also, she has a birthday coming up on Jan 18 and it is her 35th birthday but my 30th birthday is coming up a month before in December of this year. As I said on here, I left her a voicemail saying I would like nothing more than to see her for my 30th birthday. And I don't plan on contacting her anymore. The ball is in her court.

 

Well like you said, the ball is in her court, don't do anything more. December is a long time to be making plans like this anyway.

 

She knows how much it would mean to me. So is it safe to assume if she doesn't contact me for my birthday, my 30th birthday, then I should forget her birthday? How do I handle that situation? I mean for the last 2 years I have remembered her birthday.

 

If she says happy birthday, respond in kind for her birthday and leave it at that. You are really pressuring her.

 

To be exact I haven't heard from her since Feb. 20 of this year. She said at that time her feelings had changed and that we weren't compatible and that she couldn't try to make it work anymore. But she had said that before in the past when we had trouble and always came back until I screwed up and broke her heart.

 

So you aren't listening. Her feelings have changed. The two of you have have given it multiple tries and she finally chose to try something new. You need to let her.

 

She told me while we were dating that she had never been friends with anyone after breaking up before with a man, that most men don't make it past a second date with her and then she told me she would love me no matter what happened. But there have been no responses to e-mails, phone calls, flowers or nothing since Feb 20. But at the same time she hasn't said it is annoying her. So I feel like she might be playing a game with me or holding on to me as a fallback until she can feel this current situation out with this dude.

 

You are playing a game with yourself, read this paragraph:confused:. She is not trying to be your friend. She is not responding. She loved you so she needs to move on (talking to you won't help her do that). There is no need to tell you that you are annoying because that would only make you want to contact her more (why, can you just tell me, etc..). She is not using you as a fallback, YOU are making yourself a fallback though.

 

I feel like I need to skip her birthday just to force her hand so to speak in the coming year. But if you all think I should try to do something for her birthday, what can I do to set myself apart? I guess I am in the same boat as a lot of people on here. I'm just waiting for her to break up or for me to meet somebody new. Thanks again for all the advice.

 

I think you know the answer. You are not forcing her hand by not remembering her birthday. I didn't aknowledge my ex's big birthday, he did not contact me saying "hey, you forgot my birthday!." If he even noticed, he probably didn't care, he has a girlfriend to celebrate with. You could always send a card if you want to do something but I'd say wait to see how you feel in Jan-- that's a long time from now. You need to work on detox from this girl:(. I know it's not what you want to hear. You have to let her decide what she wants on her own.

[AmEricanWomann]

You've been writing about this same subject for this entire year. You have several other threads about whether or not you still have a chance with this girl and you've gotten the same answer, but you keep making threads about it.

 

She has written you and told you she doesn't want you as a boyfriend or a friend. But you thought she didn't mean it because she occasionally thanked you for sending her flowers. Now she has ceased all contact with you and you think she still might want you because she hasn't told you it annoys her. But she DID tell you it annoys her, but you didn't listen to her because you took her telling you that to mean she still wanted to talk to you. So now she doesnt talk to you and take that to mean she still wants to hear from you because she doesnt tell you to stop anymore.

 

She doesnt tell you to stop because when she did tell you to stop, you kept doing it, so she is ignoring you. And yes, you absolutely come across as a stalker. She's not giving you mixed signals, she's not keeping you on the back burner. She's done with you. Completely, absolutely done. She has moved on.

 

She has told you this, but you don't listen. People here have told you this but you dont listen. Why do you even bother to ask? You dont care about anyone's feedback unless they tell you want you want to hear. You're just going to do whatever you feel like. If you really listened to her or the people here , you would have stopped this behavior months ago.

[thompscs]

I really do appreciate all the advice from all of you and yes I have posted about it before. All the advice has been very helpful and very accurate. Yes, I should've used the advice better and am going to try to start now with following the advice more. I am not a stalker. Have I done some things to give off that impression to you and probably to her? Upon reflection, yes I probably have made her feel a little uncomfortable. I don't deny that. I may be a little obsessive over this subject but I definitely am not a stalker and would never do anything to hurt her or harm her. The good news is I have a vacation planned out of the country soon and work keeps me pretty busy with OT and I am trying to go out on some dates with new people. So I am being proactive about trying to do some positive things in my life instead of harping on the past negatives. So we will see what happens.

[likenatural]

I am just wondering why it takes men sooo long to respond back to a woman when they realize they have made a mistake and want the woman back after breaking up with her. I think that is part of the problem with the sexes. I have read time and time again that a man waits 6,9,12 mos. before contacting a woman and telling her he has made a mistake. WHY in the world would someone wait that long and expect the results to be good?

Men need to get off their duff and respond to a woman as SOON as they realize they have made a mistake if they want another chance with them.

Why would a man think that a woman doesn't want to move on as quickly as possible from this hurtful situation I don't know..

[thompscs]

Well likenatural, your question is a good one. And in my case it was a combo of things. 1)I was selfish and needed to grow up and decide if I was ready to settle down. At the time I broke up with her, I still felt like I wanted to live that party lifestyle a little while longer. But after she was gone, I realized that partying was no longer fun because I was having a much better time living a more clean and healthy life with her. And I did realize I loved her and that she was the one for me. 2) I had fears about settling down because her mom and her brothers lived in her house with her. So I didn't know how I would fit in. But I've realized that all those things could be worked out in time if I really loved her. And I do. 3) My job situation was unstable and it was stressing me out. So everything just became overwhelming to me and I kind of needed to hit the reset button. But I didn't need to kick her out of my life to do that. I just made some really bad decisions all the way around.

[Farrah]

Shes your ex and excuse me for saying this you sound desperate. Whose chasing who here?If you want to turn the table you gotta let her chase you.Tough part is human emotions are weird they move on maybe her hearts no longer with you maybe she loves someone else did that occur to you.It takes a long time to realize guys and when they do its too late.I know you want to hear something else but thats the truth.We want what we cannot have...

 

I won't make this long. Here's the deal. I broke my ex gf's heart about two years ago. Then realized I made a huge mistake. She's moved on and is dating someone else. She was talking with me for a while via e-mail and once over the phone but never once did she commit to coming back when I made it clear I wanted her back. I've done everything to try to restart things. I've tried writing her sincere letters, sending her flowers, I've remembered her birthdays....all the things I am not supposed to do. She blocks and unblocks my number all the time which I am not sure if she is doing that just to get revenge and play with my heart or if she is just forgetting to keep my number blocked. I am trying to date other people and move on but she is in the back of my mind. Is there anything else I can try that might get her back? I did leave her a voicemail recently that I would like to see her for my 30th birthday in December and told her that is what I want for my birthday. I also told her to follow her heart and not necessarily what others might be saying about me. What should I do? Give up? I love her.

[antidote]

Sadly what i have learned I would agree, there is always one person in a relationship loving a little more and always one person that is willing to hold on a little longer.

 

For me and i think many other men, we sometimes love our most when the our love is furthest, which is also said to be the time which is "to late" which in the name of true love is rubbish - true love last 7 days after forever and is a bond that will never be broken.

 

the best advise iv found, is let a bird free, if it flies back it loves you, if it doesn't it never did.

Shakespeare said best with "Love is not times fool."

[thompscs]

I wouldn't really say desperate is the right word to describe me but you might be right in saying that is how it might be interpreted. Being with her is very important to me but I have lived fine for 2 years without her as far as functioning socially. She has forgiven me for breaking her heart but since I am not a woman, I don't really know if a woman ever truly forgets something like that. My main focus has been just trying to recreate some spark or connection to her by showing her I still care. But so far, I have failed miserably. So like you all said, maybe the best thing I can do is shut up for a while and let her live her life. I guess if I truly care about her as a friend, woman and person, it's the best gift I could give her. I just hate that she is gone and it's even worse since she told me she loved me no matter what before I broke her heart that she was ready to settle down and have a serious relationship with me. And I choked and blew it all.