So... It was ALL a lie?

[Spark1111]

Uugggghhh

 

So he called little bit ago and I answered. He proceeded to tell me how he is having a really hard time "making a decision". Poor baby. Anyway, I said " I thought you said it was wherever she wanted to do". Well he says he has told her about our ongoing conversations and she told him to pick either her or me. He did mention that "she knows enough" when I asked what all he has told her. Makes me inclined to think he is still omitting certain things.

 

He also said something about how he told her that if she was going to be upset and still bringing this up in six months or a year that they should end it now. Doesn't sound like someone who is truly willing to do whatever it takes to work it out if hes telling her what His expected timeframe is for getting through this

 

I'm so confused

 

OMG! He doesn't have a clue to what remorse is. He is barely ashamed. More likely, he is upset he got caught.

 

I hope she packs a bag soon and finds a person who cherishes her and treats her with respect.

 

I hope you do too.

[woinlove]

Uugggghhh

 

So he called little bit ago and I answered. He proceeded to tell me how he is having a really hard time "making a decision". Poor baby. Anyway, I said " I thought you said it was wherever she wanted to do". Well he says he has told her about our ongoing conversations and she told him to pick either her or me. He did mention that "she knows enough" when I asked what all he has told her. Makes me inclined to think he is still omitting certain things.

 

He also said something about how he told her that if she was going to be upset and still bringing this up in six months or a year that they should end it now. Doesn't sound like someone who is truly willing to do whatever it takes to work it out if hes telling her what His expected timeframe is for getting through this

 

I'm so confused

 

Uugggghhh, indeed. She knows enough and he wants her to get over his 3 years of incredible deception in 6 months. What a cruel, manipulative man. I hope his W doesn't fall for his lies.

 

So what do you want? So far, it seems like things are as before but lighter contact. Still an emotional affair. That's not going to help you feel better about yourself. You have to keep focussed on why you have those feelings of guilt, regret, and remorse, what they are telling you, and how you will become the type of person who doesn't have those feelings. A woman who feels good about herself.

[Ilmhb3]

I'm thinking his holding on to me is based more on the fact that hes unsure as to whether or not he'll be able to manipulate the situation to get her back, rather than because he doesn't want to lose me.

 

The whole thing makes me sick.

[Spark1111]

I'm thinking his holding on to me is based more on the fact that hes unsure as to whether or not he'll be able to manipulate the situation to get her back, rather than because he doesn't want to lose me.

 

The whole thing makes me sick.

 

You are his Plan B, his soft landing for when she throws him out or leaves his sorry azz.

 

Is that what you want for yourself? To be this man's fallback girl? Is that what love feels like to you?

 

Look at how he is treating his wife right now. Could have told her all the truth, could have sworn up and down to do whatever it takes to put the marriage back together, yet he still calls and tells you he loves you.

 

They do not have any kids fercryingout loud! Why didn't he leave within six months of meeting you if he was so miserably married?

 

THREE YEARS WITH YOU AND SHE FRIENDS AT HIS URGING???

 

Sorry darling. You walked into a sick drama where I bet she was the mean and controlling mommy and you were his adolescent rebellion RIGHT UNDER HER NOSE. I can't imagine subjecting a friend, let alone a lover, to that scenario for over three years.

 

Some affairs ARE about that very dynamic.

 

Why would you want him?

 

Slam the door on him for good.

[freestyle]

 

 

You walked into a sick drama where I bet she was the mean and controlling mommy and you were his adolescent rebellion RIGHT UNDER HER NOSE. I can't imagine subjecting a friend, let alone a lover, to that scenario for over three years.

 

Some affairs ARE about that very dynamic.

 

Why would you want him?

 

Slam the door on him for good.

 

I think Spark nailed it here..........

 

And unless this "man" (hard-pressed to even use the word, "man")

goes through extensive therapy to figure out why he needs to mistreat a woman so heinously---

 

 

he's going to continue repeating that dynamic over & over again.

There are some very sick people who actually NEED to have a triangulated relationship---it sounds like he's one of them. His behavior reeks of passive-aggression and covert hostility.

[Ilmhb3]

It was also interesting that on the topic of what W knows MM said "why do you want to know, so you can tell her?" So very telling. It's scary to think about the justifications and rationalizations I made while deep in this mess. Good topic for another thread.

 

Not to mention: he's "hatin life" right now bc he wants to take advantage of the nice weather this coming weekend and go camping but he can't, bc he has this mess on his hands.

 

I'm glad I'm starting to see things for what they are.

[fooled once]

Can I ask you why you keep talking to him about HIS marriage issues? Why do you keep opening the door?

 

Hasn't his "indecision" said it all to you? Hasn't the fact that he did tell her THE TRUTH of everything and pack a bag and find an apartment to rent raise HUGE HUGE HUGE red flags with you? Do you not see he is waiting to see what his wife is going to do FIRST and if she kicks him out, he will run to you and WOO HOO 'pick' you (by default)? Do you not see this? Are you not angry as hell that he is playing you and manipulating you like this? And do you not see how your continued involvement (answering the door, taking his calls) is continuing to slap her in the face? I mean, you are STILL involved, even after you said you apologized.

 

So why apologize if you don't really mean it? I mean, for ME, when someone apologizes for hurting me, it says "hey, I hurt you and I am sorry. I will no longer do xyz which caused you to hurt in the first place". Do you not see that right now, you are just continuing the affair and continuing to slap her in the face? Do not apologize to her if you don't mean it ... and by meaning it, you STOP communicating with HER husband!

 

But I guess you still have hope of winning this spectacular guy And I guess you are okay with "winning" by default, as in his wife doesn't want him anymore.

 

I wish you would find your anger and decide that you NO LONGER want to be his second choice.

[Ilmhb3]

I appreciate your post fooled once. A few points...

 

I'm not waiting for anything. I have no hope or expectations beyond moving forward in my life to one day be happy. You may not have seen other posts where I express being able to see the light in what his true intentions were - serving his own desires and trying to minimize his own fall out if she decides to end it. Being sorry for and regretting my actions isn't changed by answering a phone call or a knock at my door.

[SoMovinOn]

Because wife was her bestfriend.

 

Well... I don't know. I don't know if W would see it that way. If they had been friends before the A, I would totally agree. As a friend, there would have been a betrayal between her and W, and she would owe her a discussion, an apology.

 

As a BS, that was what I expected from my friend after his A with my W. ... but we had been friends before the A. Had I just met him when the A started, I would never believe he had ever been my friend, or that he had ever done so for any reason other than to help cover the A.

 

I suppose, because it is not clear in this case, the best thing to do would be to put an offer out to the W and allow her to decide if she wanted to engage in a discussion or not. That way, if she'd rather just be left alone, she can say so.

[alexandria35]

I appreciate your post fooled once. A few points...

 

I'm not waiting for anything. I have no hope or expectations beyond moving forward in my life to one day be happy. You may not have seen other posts where I express being able to see the light in what his true intentions were - serving his own desires and to minimize his own fall out if she decides to end it. Being sorry for and regretting my actions isn't changed by answering a phone call or a knock at my door.

 

With all due respect Ilmhb just a few hours ago you identified yourself as an OW waiting for your MM to make a choice (the no contact thread) so I'm wondering what is the truth. On this thread you talk as if you are over and done with the affair, on another thread you talk as if you are still hoping this pathetic excuse for a man picks you.

[woinlove]

Well... I don't know. I don't know if W would see it that way. If they had been friends before the A, I would totally agree. As a friend, there would have been a betrayal between her and W, and she would owe her a discussion, an apology.

 

As a BS, that was what I expected from my friend after his A with my W. ... but we had been friends before the A. Had I just met him when the A started, I would never believe he had ever been my friend, or that he had ever done so for any reason other than to help cover the A.

 

I suppose, because it is not clear in this case, the best thing to do would be to put an offer out to the W and allow her to decide if she wanted to engage in a discussion or not. That way, if she'd rather just be left alone, she can say so.

 

The W walked in and found them together a few days ago, she's not suddenly going to think "oh my god, they've been having an A for 3 years".

 

His W almost certainly does not know that Ilmhb3 wasn't friends with her a long time before getting involved with her H. Ilmhb3 hasn't told her and I really doubt her H has told her. Why would he? The BW called Ilmhb3 "ungrateful". You don't call someone who befriends you to cover up an ongoing affair as ungrateful - you'd call them a lot of things, but not ungrateful. Ungrateful is what you call someone who repays your help and kindness by having an affair with your H.

 

You appear to keep thinking that the W knows what you know. She doesn't. You almost certainly know more about this affair than she does. You have Ilmhb3 telling you about the affair while she only has the type of man who spent every weekend with his wife and OW for years, deceiving her day in and day out, causing her to unwittingly live a life manipulated to his liking, watching her help his lover, while keeping her in the dark.

[Ilmhb3]

I'm in a position of being asked to wait for his decision, that doesn't mean I am hoping or expecting him to all of a sudden be with me. I'm pretty sure I said in that same post I felt he was only pretending to be choosing in order to ensure he had a backup

[Owl]

Are you waiting for his decision, or are you moving on in your life?

 

Just because he asked you to wait, doesn't mean that you have to...or that he'll actually make a decision between the two of you (he may just try to maintain the affair)...nor does it mean he'll end up choosing you.

 

Moving on and waiting are not compatible actions.

 

You're doing one or the other...which is it that you're actually doing?

 

Also...what did you decide with reference to telling his wife about his current contact with you?

[MissBee]

Are you waiting for his decision, or are you moving on in your life?

Just because he asked you to wait, doesn't mean that you have to...or that he'll actually make a decision between the two of you (he may just try to maintain the affair)...nor does it mean he'll end up choosing you.

 

Moving on and waiting are not compatible actions.

 

You're doing one or the other...which is it that you're actually doing?

 

Also...what did you decide with reference to telling his wife about his current contact with you?

 

Very true!

[whichwayisup]

I'm in a position of being asked to wait for his decision, that doesn't mean I am hoping or expecting him to all of a sudden be with me. I'm pretty sure I said in that same post I felt he was only pretending to be choosing in order to ensure he had a backup

 

It really is this simple if you want to look at it this way..

 

"Don't call me, email me, text me, see me UNTIL your divorce is final and you've had time alone to grieve the loss of your marriage, get yourself together. Only then will I consider 'dating' you, starting fresh and get to know you OUTSIDE of the affair dynamic."

 

You decide, it's YOUR life.

[Gentlegirl]

It was also interesting that on the topic of what W knows MM said "why do you want to know, so you can tell her?" So very telling. It's scary to think about the justifications and rationalizations I made while deep in this mess. Good topic for another thread.

 

Not to mention: he's "hatin life" right now bc he wants to take advantage of the nice weather this coming weekend and go camping but he can't, bc he has this mess on his hands.

 

I'm glad I'm starting to see things for what they are.

 

He obviously doesn't see that he created the mess... it's just a nuisance.

What an insensitive AH.

 

You are his back up plan. Knowing what you know now, is that what you want to be?

 

I can't say I even understand why you are still in contact with him. Don't talk to him or have any contact.

 

It's NOT your pile of ****, it's his and unfortunately hers. Let them deal with it. It's got nothing to do with you.

 

GG

[awkward]

It really is this simple if you want to look at it this way..

 

"Don't call me, email me, text me, see me UNTIL your divorce is final and you've had time alone to grieve the loss of your marriage, get yourself together. Only then will I consider 'dating' you, starting fresh and get to know you OUTSIDE of the affair dynamic."

 

You decide, it's YOUR life.

 

This is excellent advice and usually I would agree with it. However in this case, I don't think you should ever consider dating this man. Some men are not able to have healthy relationships. IMO you've found one of them.

[fooled once]

With all due respect Ilmhb just a few hours ago you identified yourself as an OW waiting for your MM to make a choice (the no contact thread) so I'm wondering what is the truth. On this thread you talk as if you are over and done with the affair, on another thread you talk as if you are still hoping this pathetic excuse for a man picks you.

 

that is why I wrote what I did about her waiting around and answering his calls and letting him in. To ME, it looks like she is just waiting and waiting for him to make a decision and quite frankly, he has made a decision -- to work things out with his wife. IF that wasn't his decision, he would be visiting a lawyer and getting an apartment. But he isn't doing that. He is waiting to see if his wife will let him back in, but just in case she doesn't, he wants llmhb as his next option.

 

Are you waiting for his decision, or are you moving on in your life?

 

Just because he asked you to wait, doesn't mean that you have to...or that he'll actually make a decision between the two of you (he may just try to maintain the affair)...nor does it mean he'll end up choosing you.

 

Moving on and waiting are not compatible actions.

 

You're doing one or the other...which is it that you're actually doing?

 

Also...what did you decide with reference to telling his wife about his current contact with you?

 

This is what I was trying to say. Thanks Owl for saying what I was trying to say.

 

 

It really is this simple if you want to look at it this way..

 

"Don't call me, email me, text me, see me UNTIL your divorce is final and you've had time alone to grieve the loss of your marriage, get yourself together. Only then will I consider 'dating' you, starting fresh and get to know you OUTSIDE of the affair dynamic."

 

You decide, it's YOUR life.

 

BINGO!