Why do OM/OW keep on entering into poisonous affairs?

[Yianks]

Reading through in many of the great threads in LS I understand that the odds of a MM/MW to leave their M are as much as winning the lottery.

 

Despite these odds, OM/OW just keeping on entering into these difficult A.

 

Why?

[wannabdone]

Reading through in many of the great threads in LS I understand that the odds of a MM/MW to leave their M are as much as winning the lottery.

 

Despite these odds, OM/OW just keeping on entering into these difficult A.

 

Why?

 

 

For me, it was I loved this man. I knew all the statisitics, but thought our love was greater than most. I loved him, I wanted to believe him and in him and in us. I felt his heart desire that he wanted to leave, but I broke down the fact he wanted to stay to help me be able to cope. Love makes you do STUPID things. It can make you see things that should be very clear, in a way you want them to. It will make you throw away morals, people, whatever, to just have a shot at that kind of love.

 

 

very sad.

[Yianks]

For me, it was I loved this man. I knew all the statisitics, but thought our love was greater than most. I loved him, I wanted to believe him and in him and in us. I felt his heart desire that he wanted to leave, but I broke down the fact he wanted to stay to help me be able to cope. Love makes you do STUPID things. It can make you see things that should be very clear, in a way you want them to. It will make you throw away morals, people, whatever, to just have a shot at that kind of love.

 

 

very sad.

 

Yes, I agree completely and it doesnt matter if its a woman or a man involved. Love (or whatever it is) makes you do childish things if I may add.

 

The question that always bothers me is this: How can it be true love if the MP is choosing not see the AP everyday?

[SoMovinOn]

I have no expectation a MW will ever D.

 

I dated my current W when she was M. She did D, we did end up getting M, but at the time we were dating, I told her she had to get D for her - that she had to want that whether I was around or not, because there was no guarantee I'd still be around by then.

 

She was clearly contemplating D before we got involved. That is *how* we got involved. She knew I had been D before and asked me what it was like. We started spending a lot of time talking and our relationship developed from there.

 

My current GF ... we are involved in an A because we want to have a relationship. It's what we'd do if we were single, and, likely, what we'd do if we were both happily married. I am getting D, because of my W's infidelity, nothing to do with my GF. GF says she will get D, because of issues she has with her H, but it's nothing I'm counting on. In fact, for several reasons, I think it likely she never will. If she does, we will continue to date and go from there. If she doesn't, we'll continue our A until one or both of us decides we don't want to anymore, or, until something else happens.

 

 

As to why other people "Keep" getting involved in A's - I would say the first reason is because they have never had an A before. They think with their heart and not their head. They are in love and they act on it. They don't know the stats, or they do, but they think their situation will be different (and, sometimes it is).

 

In other cases, they get involved because they have no desire for a long term relationship. They don't care if their AP gets divorced, because they have no desire to get married anyway.

Edited September 25, 2011 by SoMovinOn

[SoMovinOn]

The question that always bothers me is this: How can it be true love if the MP is choosing not see the AP everyday?

 

Love is a lot more complicated than that. Love is emotional. What one does in their day to day life is more dictated by logic and reality.

[Yianks]

Love is a lot more complicated than that. Love is emotional. What one does in their day to day life is more dictated by logic and reality.

 

So is a constant battle between heart vs brain?

 

It must be terrible for the persons that go through this.

 

Which one wins eventually?

[SoMovinOn]

So is a constant battle between heart vs brain?

 

I wouldn't think it would be constant. I suppose it depends on the situation.

 

 

It must be terrible for the persons that go through this.

 

I imagine anyone who has ever been in love has experienced the struggle between heart and mind to some degree.

 

 

Which one wins eventually?

 

Don't know. Sometimes the heart, sometimes the mind. Sometimes one is ahead by a significant margin, then the other one pulls ahead in the final turn and wins.

 

I would think in many affairs, it is the heart that wins initially.

[So Very Confused]

I have no expectation a MW will ever D.

 

I dated my current W when she was M. She did D, we did end up getting M, but at the time we were dating, I told her she had to get D for her - that she had to want that whether I was around or not, because there was no guarantee I'd still be around by then.

 

She was clearly contemplating D before we got involved. That is *how* we got involved. She knew I had been D before and asked me what it was like. We started spending a lot of time talking and our relationship developed from there.

 

My current GF ... we are involved in an A because we want to have a relationship. It's what we'd do if we were single, and, likely, what we'd do if we were both happily married. I am getting D, because of my W's infidelity, nothing to do with my GF. GF says she will get D, because of issues she has with her H, but it's nothing I'm counting on. In fact, for several reasons, I think it likely she never will. If she does, we will continue to date and go from there. If she doesn't, we'll continue our A until one or both of us decides we don't want to anymore, or, until something else happens.

 

 

As to why other people "Keep" getting involved in A's - I would say the first reason is because they have never had an A before. They think with their heart and not their head. They are in love and they act on it. They don't know the stats, or they do, but they think their situation will be different (and, sometimes it is).

 

In other cases, they get involved because they have no desire for a long term relationship. They don't care if their AP gets divorced, because they have no desire to get married anyway.

 

This is my only A and my last so I don't think everyone KEEPS getting involved in them. I got involved for the reason bolded above initially. I was fresh from a D and just wanted to have some fun. I didn't plan to fall in love or even have a LTR. But then my heart got involved and before I knew it, it was more than a fling and had turned into a LTR.

 

I'll agree with you that it's poison though. I keep listening to that song "You and Tequila" because it so accurately describes how insidious the A gets into your blood and makes you crazy.

[eleanor01]

Reading through in many of the great threads in LS I understand that the odds of a MM/MW to leave their M are as much as winning the lottery.

 

Despite these odds, OM/OW just keeping on entering into these difficult A.

 

Why?

 

Are you asking people who repeatedly get involved with MW/MM why they do it? And, is your premise that all affairs are poisonous?

 

I'm just asking for clarification before I answer. I'm not trying to be combative here.

 

Thanks,

Ellie

[woinlove]

I wouldn't think it would be constant. I suppose it depends on the situation.

 

In a successful marriage, I think the heart and mind work in unison. It is difficult (impossible for most) to achieve that in an A. I imagine one would have to want to be in an A (rather than in a non-A R) to achieve that. Usually, if one prefers to be in an A, the heart isn't too much at play - although it may be as much at play as that person is capable of.

[missy268]

I didn't mean to get involved with my A partner this much

 

We had worked together, yes there was a chemistry but we had managed to live seperate lives and so on before all this kicked off

 

but for the 3rd time this year 2 months ago, he asked me how i felt about him - he said he wasn't happy with his GF and he can't keep denying his feelings for me anymore

 

I literally sent him on his way a few times - being the strong girl i am haha!! but i dont know what changed, he came over a few times a week and we just had such a laugh, and one friday night, we kissed, and i mean properly kissed and we didnt sleep together straight away, it wasn't one of those ripping each others clothes off scenarios it took us 4 weeks to get there - which is why i thought it was different

 

He told me he was leaving her, i believed him, he's still telling me hes leaving her , but hes being very distant and well he's not leaving!, so im trying to get on with my life the best i can - he will show up, at some point, when im probably getting over it - but i know im going to have to have a huge amount of self control to tell him to do one - because i do love him - he's one of my best friends, we've been through alot! hes not just some random player i met in a bar! we've got 2 years of friendship behind this! Ive been friends with him when he first got together with his girlfriend! which is wierd!

 

When you love somebody, and the emotion is strong, you will do anything, to keep hold of them - i think the key is to love yourself more, and to ask yourself do i really deserve to be second best? answer is no, you deserve to be on the front row!

 

xx

[East7]

Despite these odds, OM/OW just keeping on entering into these difficult A.

 

Why?

 

Do you mean entering into serial As or you mean going back and forth to the same married partner ? (I guess it is the second meaning)

 

As other posters said, when you enter in the first A you don't know the real nature of an A. You think your story is special, that you are not like anyone else and you keep hoping of an happy ending with the married person.

 

Also the A create a very powerful emotional dependence because they correspond to a mechanism of Intermittent Reinforcement Theory. If I summarize it in a very simplistic way :

When you take intermitent pleasures and short term gratifications in a unpredictable way, it creates a powerful thrill and emotional dependence waiting for the next candy (in this case meeting/having sex with the MP).

 

Married people experience the A as an addiction, passion and lust without any intention to transform it in a relationship. Many MW think their OM is/was their soul mate but for whatever "logical" reason they can't be together.

 

The AP experiences the R as an emotional investment to be with their soul-mate. They accept a restrained R with the hope to end up living happily ever after with their MP. Their goal is to have a relationship at the end of the journey.

[Yianks]

Do you mean entering into serial As or you mean going back and forth to the same married partner ? (I guess it is the second meaning)

 

As other posters said, when you enter in the first A you don't know the real nature of an A. You think your story is special, that you are not like anyone else and you keep hoping of an happy ending with the married person.

 

Also the A create a very powerful emotional dependence because they correspond to a mechanism of Intermittent Reinforcement Theory. If I summarize it in a very simplistic way :

When you take intermitent pleasures and short term gratifications in a unpredictable way, it creates a powerful thrill and emotional dependence waiting for the next candy (in this case meeting/having sex with the MP).

 

Married people experience the A as an addiction, passion and lust without any intention to transform it in a relationship. Many MW think their OM is/was their soul mate but for whatever "logical" reason they can't be together.

 

The AP experiences the R as an emotional investment to be with their soul-mate. They accept a restrained R with the hope to end up living happily ever after with their MP. Their goal is to have a relationship at the end of the journey.

 

Great post East7. Let me rephrase Intermittent Reinforcement Theory..slot machines!

 

We all know the odds of winning but we keep on banging our heads (and wallets) on them.

 

Being OM as well, as you can see from my other posts, I have left her so many times it’s not ‘fun’ anymore. I heard so many ‘logical’ excuses as you rightly pointed out. I want you but can’t with you, I am totally in love with you but I want to stay with H, if you had come earlier, can’t hurt him etc.

 

Yes, most OM they want a R and that’s why they stay into the A for so long. But this is the exact reason why MW won’t leave their H. They take the OM for granted. I guess a BBOM (Bad Boy OM) has more chances with a MW!

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Edited September 25, 2011 by Yianks

[mzdolphin]

Reading through in many of the great threads in LS I understand that the odds of a MM/MW to leave their M are as much as winning the lottery.

 

Despite these odds, OM/OW just keeping on entering into these difficult A.

 

Why?

 

I hate these one-sided questions, as if OW/OM are these horribly flawed individuals.

 

If you've read a lot of LS you will also notice that even after DDAY MM/MW often continue to pursue the OW/OM. A better question might be, with much more to loose (reputation, family, house, financial stability) why do so many married people cheat?

[Yianks]

I hate these one-sided questions, as if OW/OM are these horribly flawed individuals.

 

If you've read a lot of LS you will also notice that even after DDAY MM/MW often continue to pursue the OW/OM. A better question might be, with much more to loose (reputation, family, house, financial stability) why do so many married people cheat?

 

mzdolphin, the question was originally stated in the sense of the huge emotional pain that these kinds of A have on the OM/OW.

 

OM/OW do not have a safety net and thats what makes these A more difficult.

[mzdolphin]

Yes, I agree completely and it doesnt matter if its a woman or a man involved. Love (or whatever it is) makes you do childish things if I may add.

 

The question that always bothers me is this: How can it be true love if the MP is choosing not see the AP everyday?

 

You are making lots of assumptions. In my case not only did the guy lie about his marital status, but he saw me more than he did his wife. She lived in another state.

 

This question has been asked in many forms of different parties: to the betrayed spouse, why stay? To the WS, why cheat? I've been on these boards and I don't see the OW as the only person with issues. I mean I have been a BS and OW and I find myself asking BS who have reconciled how they know he's not cheating. Because from my own experience and from what I see here, even after DDay, the MM/MW continues to cheat. I'm thinking why, after seeing your wife, kids in turmoil, do you go right back and do it again?

 

In fact, if you use LS as a guide, it appears that the WS only stops when the OW/OM ends it with NC.

[mzdolphin]

So is a constant battle between heart vs brain?

 

It must be terrible for the persons that go through this.

 

Which one wins eventually?

 

Again, are you making assumptions that it's just the OW/OM going through this. Think about the cheating husband who goes home to his wife after spending all day with another woman. Think about him sleeping next to his wife who knows he's cheated before. Think about him smiling at her while they celebrate her birthday or anniversary and her thinking, we've been through tough times, but that's behind us and him knowing tomorrow night he'll be with another woman? How does someone get through that? I find that more difficult to understand.

[eleanor01]

Do you mean entering into serial As or you mean going back and forth to the same married partner ? (I guess it is the second meaning)

 

As other posters said, when you enter in the first A you don't know the real nature of an A. You think your story is special, that you are not like anyone else and you keep hoping of an happy ending with the married person.

 

Also the A create a very powerful emotional dependence because they correspond to a mechanism of Intermittent Reinforcement Theory. If I summarize it in a very simplistic way :

When you take intermitent pleasures and short term gratifications in a unpredictable way, it creates a powerful thrill and emotional dependence waiting for the next candy (in this case meeting/having sex with the MP).

 

Married people experience the A as an addiction, passion and lust without any intention to transform it in a relationship. Many MW think their OM is/was their soul mate but for whatever "logical" reason they can't be together.

 

The AP experiences the R as an emotional investment to be with their soul-mate. They accept a restrained R with the hope to end up living happily ever after with their MP. Their goal is to have a relationship at the end of the journey.

 

I can totally see how intermittent reinforcement can keep people in a toxic relationship. But, like Mz. Dolphin, I don't believe that things are quite that black and white.

 

When I was married and when I was living with a boyfriend, I was faithful. I never, ever thought that I'd be a woman in an affair with a MM. That said, I went into it with no illusions. It's not a poisonous relationship--in fact, it's quite precious and lovely. He never lies to me, never makes false promises.

 

All this to say that I don't think that all affairs are necessarily poisonous. Certainly, some are and I am sorry for folks who have that monkey on their backs. That truly does suck.

 

Best,

Ellie

[Yianks]

Again, are you making assumptions that it's just the OW/OM going through this. Think about the cheating husband who goes home to his wife after spending all day with another woman. Think about him sleeping next to his wife who knows he's cheated before. Think about him smiling at her while they celebrate her birthday or anniversary and her thinking, we've been through tough times, but that's behind us and him knowing tomorrow night he'll be with another woman? How does someone get through that? I find that more difficult to understand.

 

I agree that both OW/OM and MW/MM go through this. However, a MW/MM have more options if they truly want a R with the AP.

 

On the contrary, if OW/OM want a R, and they often do, its not up to them.

[East7]

Yes, most OM they want a R and that’s why they stay into the A for so long. But this is the exact reason why MW won’t leave their H. They take the OM for granted. I guess a BBOM (Bad Boy OM) has more chances with a MW!

 

No the bad boy OM doesn't work any better. He makes the MW even more crazy after him but the result is the same, she stays. If the divorce is not in her secret agenda, it will never happen.

 

They take both OM and BH for granted because they can have them both.

[Yianks]

No the bad boy OM doesn't work any better. He makes the MW even more crazy after him but the result is the same, she stays. If the divorce is not in her secret agenda, it will never happen.

 

They take both OM and BH for granted because they can have them both.

 

Secret agenda = they only know and no one else, not even the OM.

 

However, from what I understand from LS, there are signs that indicate their intentions the most important one been that if they do not leave their H early when they start the A, they will never do so.

[Yianks]

If the divorce is not in her secret agenda, it will never happen.

 

 

So what you are saying is that there is NOTHING that the OM can do to make the MW want to leave her H?

[spice4life]

So what you are saying is that there is NOTHING that the OM can do to make the MW want to leave her H?

 

If she is nothing more than a cake eater, I would say so. I read a post from an MW not so long ago and she said that having an A was a life style. Meaning, it was a nothing more than a way to cope, while maintaining the security she has built with her husband. This may not be what is happening in your case, but if she has flawed relationship coping skills, my guess is that she is only looking for a distraction from her hum drum life with husband. In that case, no, you don't really have a shot. And the big question is, do you really want a woman like that...one who cheats as a way to cope?

 

There are other MW\MM's who are unhappy in their marriages and due to a feeling of hoplessness, they end up in an A. In this case, the A may be the catalyst that makes them decide that their own happiness really does matter, and they get divorced. I guess it all boils down to what "their" reasons are for getting involved in the A. In the latter an OM/OW stands a better chance, where in the former they do not. It's a matter of...are they a cake eater or truly unhappy in their marriage?

[East7]

Secret agenda = they only know and no one else, not even the OM.

 

However, from what I understand from LS, there are signs that indicate their intentions the most important one been that if they do not leave their H early when they start the A, they will never do so.

 

Some of them contemplate the divorce even before the A but most don't.

 

At the first months of the A, it is when their feelings for the OM are the most romantic and powerful and they almost hate their H. The situation is commonly called "fog". It is also when they refuse or avoid sex with him. Some of them move out to a friend or a elsewhere "to figure the things out", some are physically at home but mentally elsewhere neglecting everything. This is the moment when they think they are meant to be with the OM but are finally scared at the idea of leaving. Very few really move out definitely. Statistically those who divorce do so in the first 6 months of the A. The more it lasts, the less chances she divorces.

 

Some OM don't put up with the situation and walk in the first couple of months. The MW experience then an extreme pain and resentment for their H falling in a state of limbo for months or even years, pining after OM and wondering if they want to divorce or not.

 

When the OM keeps the A going on, they are comforted and start being b1itches..and the rollercoaster begins. In fact keeping the A helps them to stay married! They becomes conscious that the OM offers what they can't get from her H whether emotionally or sexually. There is a double benefit : avoiding conflict at home and getting the best of both worlds. This can go on for years. The long term A is eventually broken by moments of guilt, then they often come back with the "friends" excuse and eventually resume the A.

[SidLyon]

Reading through in many of the great threads in LS I understand that the odds of a MM/MW to leave their M are as much as winning the lottery.

 

Despite these odds, OM/OW just keeping on entering into these difficult A.

 

Why?

 

Never again!

 

I post here as a BW but I was in an A about 30 years ago, but not as an OW.

 

I left my partner at the time, as for me it was an exit A, but he (the OM)would not leave his mother, for whom he had caring responsibilities.

 

Once after I was married, he told me I had always been the one.

 

Sadly he died last month and his mother lives on without him.