Why do OM/OW keep on entering into poisonous affairs?

[Gentlegirl]

So is a constant battle between heart vs brain?

 

It must be terrible for the persons that go through this.

 

Which one wins eventually?

 

I believe everybody is ultimately a loser to some degree, no matter what the outcome.

 

 

GG

[Gentlegirl]

So what you are saying is that there is NOTHING that the OM can do to make the MW want to leave her H?

 

I think that the cake eaters probably lack the skills to repair a relationship when it starts to go wrong. Instead they just let it go to hell and start up another and so the cycle seems to go . They still have the safety net of their marriage to throw in your face if you suggest they might want to leave...."OH but I couldn't leave home. I'm married you know I couldn't hurt my wife.." Funny isn't it? They can have an A but that's ok, it's the leaving they can't do and it's ok as long as nobody finds out.

 

Again it speaks of their failure to address real issues., and their feeling of entitelment to do what they damned well like.

 

 

What if you got her and then something went wrong between you? Would she work on your relationship or go out after another????

 

I went on a serious learning curve after the A ended. It has been an education in the kind of relationships that I never dreamed existed.

 

YOu can't "MAKE" her want to leave him. YOu will be wasting your time and affections and give yourself great pain and grief if you try.

 

Keep posting here and keep reading.

 

all the best,

 

Gentlegirl

[mzdolphin]

I agree that both OW/OM and MW/MM go through this. However, a MW/MM have more options if they truly want a R with the AP.

 

On the contrary, if OW/OM want a R, and they often do, its not up to them.

 

But look at the position the MM puts themselves in, especially if they are lying to both parties. They risk having their life explode. After that their marriage is never the same, some option that is.

 

And I speak from experience, as someone who did not knowingly get involved with a married man. After dday he kept coming back. I wasn't lying to my family members. He was lying to his. I left the relationship wiser, and with a broken heart. He risks losing the respect of his children, his house, his wife, etc. What you call "options", everyone has options. That is the problem, too many OW think they don't have options. You have more options than the MP. You can end the relationship and regain dignity, and go about your business having never cheated on anyone. The MM can withhold the cheating from spouse, and take a lie to the grave. Great options.

[mzdolphin]

I think that the cake eaters probably lack the skills to repair a relationship when it starts to go wrong. Instead they just let it go to hell and start up another and so the cycle seems to go . They still have the safety net of their marriage to throw in your face if you suggest they might want to leave...."OH but I couldn't leave home. I'm married you know I couldn't hurt my wife.." Funny isn't it? They can have an A but that's ok, it's the leaving they can't do and it's ok as long as nobody finds out.

 

Again it speaks of their failure to address real issues., and their feeling of entitelment to do what they damned well like.

 

 

What if you got her and then something went wrong between you? Would she work on your relationship or go out after another????

 

I went on a serious learning curve after the A ended. It has been an education in the kind of relationships that I never dreamed existed.

 

YOu can't "MAKE" her want to leave him. YOu will be wasting your time and affections and give yourself great pain and grief if you try.

 

Keep posting here and keep reading.

 

all the best,

 

Gentlegirl

 

 

Great post. Yianks acts like the OW is the only person getting the short end. The cake eaters keep cheating. The BS is left in a poisonous marriage. She doesn't know her husband is still sleeping around. I don't think affairs work for anybody unless all parties agree. And in that case it's not an affair, it's an open marriage.

[mzdolphin]

. In fact keeping the A helps them to stay married! They becomes conscious that the OM offers what they can't get from her H whether emotionally or sexually. There is a double benefit : avoiding conflict at home and getting the best of both worlds. This can go on for years. The long term A is eventually broken by moments of guilt, then they often come back with the "friends" excuse and eventually resume the A.

 

 

This is true. This is why after NC, after the OW has ended the affair and MM has to actually face his issues, he's back again. Sometimes in months, sometimes a year. When in the affair they get to have great sex, play playboy, be adored and still go home and have wife clean the dirty underwear or provide that comfort of family, and sex and familiarity of having built a life together.

 

Nobody wins. The OW loses time and all the benefits that come with a relationship with honest and out in the open. The WS loses because they live with guilt, betraying people they claim to love, they can't be trusted so they often lack trust in others. The BS is living with a ticking time bomb that could explode in their face and turn their life upside down. Remember, the OW and MM know about all parties involved, nothing is like thinking you have a happy marriage and finding out it's been a lie. I've been there. Hurt far worse than finding out my boyfriend was married.

[mzdolphin]

Yianks, do you mind sharing your situation? I don't mean your story, just what brought you to OW/OM forum?

[Anna101]

I didn't know it would go on that long. He made plans to leave asap but of course, as the story goes, life is more complicated than that.

 

I did it because I had fallen for him, I hadn't fallen in love with anybody before and I didn't think it'd happen again. He, despite the situation, felt right, like I was coming home.

 

And he was, I love him, he's the father of my child and my partner and I would go through the hard part again.

 

Yes the affair part was hard and I may not have done it at the time if I'd known how painful it was to long for someone day after day, course all that hurt to people and so on. But you don't know or realise this at the time, so that's why.

[SoMovinOn]

This is my only A and my last so I don't think everyone KEEPS getting involved in them.

 

The way I took the original post saying "Why do people keep getting involved..." was more along the lines of, Why does person A get involved, and why does person B, and person C, and person D, and person F...

 

Kind of like, once there are sufficient stats available on how some affairs are poisonous, why don't people just know those stats and avoid also getting involved in an affair like that?

[SoMovinOn]

Again, are you making assumptions that it's just the OW/OM going through this. Think about the cheating husband who goes home to his wife after spending all day with another woman. Think about him sleeping next to his wife who knows he's cheated before. Think about him smiling at her while they celebrate her birthday or anniversary and her thinking, we've been through tough times, but that's behind us and him knowing tomorrow night he'll be with another woman? How does someone get through that? I find that more difficult to understand.

 

Compartmentalization.

[SoMovinOn]

On the contrary, if OW/OM want a R, and they often do, its not up to them.

 

It is. They need only say "Choose."

[spice4life]

The way I took the original post saying "Why do people keep getting involved..." was more along the lines of, Why does person A get involved, and why does person B, and person C, and person D, and person F...

 

Kind of like, once there are sufficient stats available on how some affairs are poisonous, why don't people just know those stats and avoid also getting involved in an affair like that?

 

This is exactly what I thought too. Many times people stumble upon these stats AFTER they become involved in an A. lol. And the only reason they do so is because the A is driving them crazy and they start searching the Internet for answers.

[Kitsune77]

My affair, which I just ended (the first for both of us) has been nowhere near poisonous. It has been on the whole, a supportive, uplifting, loving, inspirational experience. One that hopefully has made both of us better people. It started as a one night stand, (I put it onto him) and neither of us expected it to become the deep love and friendship it grew into, or to last the almost 3 years that it did.

 

I ended it before it had the potential to go horribly wrong (him loosing his family, me my career reputation) and for other reasons that had nothing to do with any sort of poisonous feeling.

 

I am glad that I have known and loved him. There were no expectations on either part that he would leave his wife, or become "mine" so maybe that mitigated what could have been a heartbreaking scenario.

 

I can imagine for people who have that expectation and it doesn't happen, it would be potentially devastating.

[y2k]

Reading through in many of the great threads in LS I understand that the odds of a MM/MW to leave their M are as much as winning the lottery.

 

Despite these odds, OM/OW just keeping on entering into these difficult A.

 

Why?

 

Well I can give a different point of view.

 

In my life personally, I've seen 3 marriages born from affairs. In other words, the OM/OW was successful in getting the MW/MM to leave their spouse. Believe it or not, all 3 marriages have been successful so far.

 

The reason we read so many stories of "failure" from part of the OM/OW here on loveshack is because only a few people actually go to the internet to spill out their story, much less find loveshack and post it up here.

 

And if an affair turns into a marriage (meaning everything went well from the point of view of the OM/OW), then less chances we're going to hear about it here on loveshack. People mostly post here when things aren't going good, not so much when things are going right or "according to plan".

 

So take that into mind when reading things here in loveshack about affairs and love stories. I'm sure if you asked outside of the affair sections of loveshack, you'll find plenty of people who'll tell you that they know of marriages that came from affairs.

 

It's not impossible. Good luck to all.

[Yianks]

Well I can give a different point of view.

 

In my life personally, I've seen 3 marriages born from affairs. In other words, the OM/OW was successful in getting the MW/MM to leave their spouse. Believe it or not, all 3 marriages have been successful so far.

 

The reason we read so many stories of "failure" from part of the OM/OW here on loveshack is because only a few people actually go to the internet to spill out their story, much less find loveshack and post it up here.

 

And if an affair turns into a marriage (meaning everything went well from the point of view of the OM/OW), then less chances we're going to hear about it here on loveshack. People mostly post here when things aren't going good, not so much when things are going right or "according to plan".

 

So take that into mind when reading things here in loveshack about affairs and love stories. I'm sure if you asked outside of the affair sections of loveshack, you'll find plenty of people who'll tell you that they know of marriages that came from affairs.

 

It's not impossible. Good luck to all.

 

Great post y2k and indeed a different perpective.

 

If you can find common 'ingredients' as to the success of these affairs, what would those be?

[woinlove]

Well I can give a different point of view.

 

In my life personally, I've seen 3 marriages born from affairs. In other words, the OM/OW was successful in getting the MW/MM to leave their spouse. Believe it or not, all 3 marriages have been successful so far.

 

The reason we read so many stories of "failure" from part of the OM/OW here on loveshack is because only a few people actually go to the internet to spill out their story, much less find loveshack and post it up here.

 

And if an affair turns into a marriage (meaning everything went well from the point of view of the OM/OW), then less chances we're going to hear about it here on loveshack. People mostly post here when things aren't going good, not so much when things are going right or "according to plan".

 

So take that into mind when reading things here in loveshack about affairs and love stories. I'm sure if you asked outside of the affair sections of loveshack, you'll find plenty of people who'll tell you that they know of marriages that came from affairs.

 

It's not impossible. Good luck to all.

 

How old are you? Last year you posted that you were 15, which would make you 16. In another post you said you were in your 20's. I'm just curious as to over what period you have observed lots of marriages. When I was in my teens or a young adult, I thought being married 3 or 4 years was a long time.

[East7]

How old are you? Last year you posted that you were 15, which would make you 16. In another post you said you were in your 20's. I'm just curious as to over what period you have observed lots of marriages. When I was in my teens or a young adult, I thought being married 3 or 4 years was a long time.

 

yeah he is the youngest OM on LS

 

As for real life post-A relationships : 2 friends of mine ended up with their OW, they were both MM in their early 30s and married young. And they both had 2 children each. When people want to move out they move out. Both moved out in an average of 6 months. My best female friend was dumped by her H for an OW. She forgave him once, he cheated again with the same OW.

The only MW I knew that left was with an exit A. She dumped the OM right after the D and eventually found someone else.

 

Common things of those who leave their M :

- Married early mostly in their 20-23s and almost the same age.

- MM bored with their wife and leaving for thrilling bimbos

- The A are short ( less then 1 year)

- The younger they are the most easily they move out.

- MM leave for the OW, MW leave because they don't want their H anymore.

Edited September 27, 2011 by East7

[SBC]

But look at the position the MM puts themselves in, especially if they are lying to both parties. They risk having their life explode. After that their marriage is never the same, some option that is.

 

And I speak from experience, as someone who did not knowingly get involved with a married man. After dday he kept coming back. I wasn't lying to my family members. He was lying to his. I left the relationship wiser, and with a broken heart. He risks losing the respect of his children, his house, his wife, etc. What you call "options", everyone has options. That is the problem, too many OW think they don't have options. You have more options than the MP. You can end the relationship and regain dignity, and go about your business having never cheated on anyone. The MM can withhold the cheating from spouse, and take a lie to the grave. Great options.

 

No doubt! MM/MW don't have options --that is why they cheat! In my situation (OW) I am the one with options. I can go anywhere, do anything, and be with anyone that I want. The only option he has is to go home. The place he was whining about sucking so bad.

 

Well boo-hoo dude.

[nyrias2]

Reading through in many of the great threads in LS I understand that the odds of a MM/MW to leave their M are as much as winning the lottery.

 

Despite these odds, OM/OW just keeping on entering into these difficult A.

 

Why?

 

Why do you assume all OW/OM want the MM/MW to leave their BS? Not everyone wants a long term stable R. May be they are just out to have some fun?

 

May be they don't mind sharing? May be they "love" their MM/MW and want them to have everything?

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Common things of those who leave their M :

- Married early mostly in their 20-23s and almost the same age.

- MM bored with their wife and leaving for thrilling bimbos

- The A are short ( less then 1 year)

- The younger they are the most easily they move out.

- MM leave for the OW, MW leave because they don't want their H anymore.

 

 

From those I know IRL where ARs have become MRs:

 

* the WS and BS had gotten M out of a sense of expectation or obligation or duty or compliance or fear of being seen to be "on the shelf", although at the time they pretended they were in love.

* they stayed together out of duty and obligation, usually because children were involved, and because leaving would be a sign of failure.

* they fell in love with their AP, but initially denied it to themselves because the consequences frightened them.

* they spent a long time deciding - their morals told them they owed it to their BS and kids to stick it out, but their hearts told them they had a right to happiness too. They lost sleep, showed signs of stress and depression and struggled day-to-day unsure of what to do. The As lasted on average 3 - 5 years before they left.

* WHs were typically midlife, and WWs younger. BSs were typically midlife. APs were often younger, often more successful and often highly independent, in contrast to BSs who were typically homebodies with more ash than spark.

* "Second families" were integrated into all aspects of the WS's life, unlike their first families which had been compartmentalised into a separate zone.

[RainDown]

I had affairs because they were fun and exciting at the time. I enjoyed the clandestine nature of the situation and got a kick out of secretly sleeping with inappropriate partners (married, the boss, a friend's father or boyfriend, etc). Regular "relationships" were boring to me, which is why I tried my best to stay out of them. Nowadays they call that syndrome a "sexual addiction" and they call me a "sex addict", but I think it's closer to the truth to call me an excitement addict. It wasn't about the sex to me - it was about the excitement and secrecy and doing something "bad" that no one knew about.

 

That's why I kept getting into affairs - it was a kick for me, nothing more. I don't think I'm the only one around here like this either. I might be the only one with the guts to admit it and not try to sugarcoat it all and find excuses and reasons and justifications for behaving badly though.

 

I'm mostly past all that now. It's been a good 5 years since I've done anything even mildly inappropriate and I'm a much happier person now after leaving all that behind. Not all of us find our affairs to be poisonous - for some of us they are flat-out just exciting and fun.

[MissBee]

I had affairs because they were fun and exciting at the time. I enjoyed the clandestine nature of the situation and got a kick out of secretly sleeping with inappropriate partners (married, the boss, a friend's father or boyfriend, etc). Regular "relationships" were boring to me, which is why I tried my best to stay out of them. Nowadays they call that syndrome a "sexual addiction" and they call me a "sex addict", but I think it's closer to the truth to call me an excitement addict. It wasn't about the sex to me - it was about the excitement and secrecy and doing something "bad" that no one knew about.

 

That's why I kept getting into affairs - it was a kick for me, nothing more. I don't think I'm the only one around here like this either. I might be the only one with the guts to admit it and not try to sugarcoat it all and find excuses and reasons and justifications for behaving badly though.

 

I'm mostly past all that now. It's been a good 5 years since I've done anything even mildly inappropriate and I'm a much happier person now after leaving all that behind. Not all of us find our affairs to be poisonous - for some of us they are flat-out just exciting and fun.

 

I like this post and I like and respect your honesty.

[Spark1111]

My affair, which I just ended (the first for both of us) has been nowhere near poisonous. It has been on the whole, a supportive, uplifting, loving, inspirational experience. One that hopefully has made both of us better people. It started as a one night stand, (I put it onto him) and neither of us expected it to become the deep love and friendship it grew into, or to last the almost 3 years that it did.

 

I ended it before it had the potential to go horribly wrong (him loosing his family, me my career reputation) and for other reasons that had nothing to do with any sort of poisonous feeling.

 

I am glad that I have known and loved him. There were no expectations on either part that he would leave his wife, or become "mine" so maybe that mitigated what could have been a heartbreaking scenario.

 

I can imagine for people who have that expectation and it doesn't happen, it would be potentially devastating.

 

I'm sure my FWS could have penned the same post had he not gotten caught...

 

I'm sure his fOW could have penned this post had she NOT started wanting a full-time committed relationship with him.

 

He started to future-fake with her to keep the good feelings going. She started to believe him to keep the good feelings going.

 

Then DDay struck and the devastation to all was great; the embarrassment and shame too.

 

It is the typical "LS" scenario. Your fortunate (right word?) in that you did not have to face any painful consequences for your actions.

 

Lucky you.

[Spark1111]

I had affairs because they were fun and exciting at the time. I enjoyed the clandestine nature of the situation and got a kick out of secretly sleeping with inappropriate partners (married, the boss, a friend's father or boyfriend, etc). Regular "relationships" were boring to me, which is why I tried my best to stay out of them. Nowadays they call that syndrome a "sexual addiction" and they call me a "sex addict", but I think it's closer to the truth to call me an excitement addict. It wasn't about the sex to me - it was about the excitement and secrecy and doing something "bad" that no one knew about.

 

That's why I kept getting into affairs - it was a kick for me, nothing more. I don't think I'm the only one around here like this either. I might be the only one with the guts to admit it and not try to sugarcoat it all and find excuses and reasons and justifications for behaving badly though.

 

I'm mostly past all that now. It's been a good 5 years since I've done anything even mildly inappropriate and I'm a much happier person now after leaving all that behind. Not all of us find our affairs to be poisonous - for some of us they are flat-out just exciting and fun.

 

I applaud your honesty in this post. I think this IS true for many. It is why experts encourage the BS expose the affair.

 

Why? When it is no longer a secret thrill, many and affair goes.....pfffffffft and ends within weeks.

[RainDown]

I applaud your honesty in this post. I think this IS true for many. It is why experts encourage the BS expose the affair.

 

Why? When it is no longer a secret thrill, many and affair goes.....pfffffffft and ends within weeks.

 

Yes, I see your point. I always dropped MM immediately when I realized it was about to blow up in my face. I wasn't into PUBLIC drama! I can see how that would ruin the thrill for the married person, too. It's not so much fun anymore when everyone knows.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

It's not so much fun anymore when everyone knows.

 

For some. For others, it's much, much better.