lordWilhelm Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Hi guys, I'm just trying to get something off my mind and think constructively about it. My GF and I have been together for three years. We're both 25 and in graduate school in the US. She is in anthropology and her field site is in Mongolia where she started her 16-month term in May. She visited back in the US in August and we went to her dad's wedding during this time. Although she has been to Mongolia in previous summers, this time it's definitely a longer time commitment. And now that she went back to Mongolia, it's been a bit of a bummer not to be with her these last two weeks We do have plans to see each other though: in December we plan to go to Europe and visit my grandmother and in spring I'm going to visit her in Mongolia Our chats have been a bit anemic lately... for instance she asks me today what I've done today or what I'm planning on doing this week. What should I say that would spark an interesting conversation? I've been working on code, math, and TAing a class. I guess I could have mentioned the fact I watched BBC documentary that talked about mongolian nomads... but that didn't cross my mind when we were chatting. On the other hand, she tells me that she went to a club with some friends and there was dancing and that it was fun. When she told me that I found it hurtful. I felt bad that I felt hurt -- I'm being possessive, right? But part of it is also the fact that I find that she's being outgoing when she's not with me -- when we went to her dad's wedding she didn't want to dance when I asked her, but now she's dancing at this night club... or when she was here in the US there were a couple of nights when I busy writing a paper and couldn't go out with her, and she came back at 2 am from the bar -- but when I suggested before we go to the bar, just the two of us, she's tired and it's late... I feel like the subtext here is that Mr. Straight-Laced Scientist is a bit of a Killjoy, and I don't know what to do to shrug off that label. I mean, I am trying -- I did invite her to the dance and the bar. I'm not even quite sure how to put it to her -- "I noticed that you're not really outgoing when you're with me... " isn't a good starting line. Sorry for the rant, I'm just starting to get frustrated and I guess the distance isn't helping. I'd like to talk to her about it and would appreciate comments/suggestions . Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Hold up.... she didn't want to dance with you at the wedding? Bzzzt.... my LDR failure radar just alerted. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 "Hey GF, I had a great time at your dad's wedding but noticed that you didn't want to dance. How comes?" I think that with LDRs you need to continue living your life and filling it with interesting things so that you do have something to talk about when you speak to your partner. Talking about your day, even some of the mundane things, can also help you to feel more connected to each other. She probably is more outgoing when she's not with you, maybe because her peer group at her field site are the clubbing/dancing type and/or she's trying to distract herself from missing you and/or there's nothing else to do for fun but clubbing and dancing. Those things don't necessarily make you Mr Killjoy. For the moment, she's just in a different environment with a different set of people, living a different life than the one she had with you back home. It's mainly a reflection on the situation she finds herself in and not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lordWilhelm Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 (edited) Bzzzt.... my LDR failure radar just alerted. I'm pretty sure it's not a problem other than that I found it hurtful she didn't find it fun to dance with me. We're very solid together I met the whole family and there was no other subtext to that. I think that with LDRs you need to continue living your life and filling it with interesting things so that you do have something to talk about when you speak to your partner. Talking about your day, even some of the mundane things, can also help you to feel more connected to each other. She probably is more outgoing when she's not with you, maybe because her peer group at her field site are the clubbing/dancing type and/or she's trying to distract herself from missing you and/or there's nothing else to do for fun but clubbing and dancing. Those things don't necessarily make you Mr Killjoy. For the moment, she's just in a different environment with a different set of people, living a different life than the one she had with you back home. It's mainly a reflection on the situation she finds herself in and not you. Thanks a lot for the comment January... I think there's a lot in what you're saying that is resonating in our case. One situation this brings to mind. When she was here, we went to dinner with people in her department. It was great at the beginning, but then it got to the point where her colleagues would have smoked pot -- I made it clear to her that I'm okay with her staying with her friends if she wanted, but she wanted to come with me. We talked about this situation and she said she was really glad that she came back home with me -- that she feels she's susceptible to peer pressure, and that she might have smoked with them even though she wouldn't do that with me or on her own. I think as an anthropologist her job is to immerse herself in a different cultural situation/peer group, which is why she is an anthropologist and I'm not Although, I guess because I would never give in to peer pressure on something like that, I'm still having some difficulty really accepting this difference. Edited September 26, 2011 by lordWilhelm Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Please state your culture. Such behavior isn't considered 'normal' in any western culture I'm familiar with. Women who love their men live to dance with them, hold them, smell them, have sex with them, especially when such reunions are rare due to distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lordWilhelm Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 She's American. I'm European & Canadian. Anyways, there's been no problem in terms of holding, touching, smelling, publicly or privately when she was here Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Have you or she been married before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lordWilhelm Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 No, actually we're each other's first BF/GF. Link to post Share on other sites
Osiris1234 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Im not gonna say she has but there is a 95% chance she already cheated on you. Half way across the world with your boyfriend not there and going to clubs dancing and going to bars and coming back at 2AM. Yeah there are red flags throwing up so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lordWilhelm Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 (edited) She hasn't/wouldn't do that. So please, let's not go down that path. I'm more concerned with what I can do to maintain a strong relationship and how to talk about the way I feel about some the things I have mentioned above. Edited September 26, 2011 by lordWilhelm Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 It's very hard to maintain a LDR. She's going to want to go out to have fun once in a while, and if you're not there, it will be with others. If she likes to go dancing, it will be with others. Nothing you can do about that, really. Except you may want to learn to dance well so that she will want to dance with you when you are together. If she likes dancing and didn't want to dance with you, then I'm guessing your dancing skills are a bit lacking. Take some classes and surprise her next time you are together. I think she'll be pretty pleased with that, and it's sure to give a little spark to your relationship. Men who can dance well are a rare and valuable commodity. Women appreciate a man who can dance well. Time to cultivate that skill and other attributes that make you an interesting and exciting guy to be with, and give you things to talk about. If you are a fun person to be with and can do a lot of things and have a lot of interests, it makes you a more interesting person. Cultivate more interests and I believe that will help. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 She's American. I'm European & Canadian. Anyways, there's been no problem in terms of holding, touching, smelling, publicly or privately when she was here I'm not an anthropologist but I am in a science that requires frequent travel & mixing it up with the locals (you want to get anything done you must connect with people) Is it possible that your g/friend participates in such activities primarily as part of her work? I'm not a big club or party goer, in my private life (I'd rather be in the lab or reading something :)but when I'm abroad on a project, I participate in such activities to strengthen my relationships with other team members as well as to network with locals who might well provide me with info that's vital to my project. As far as the dancing at Dad's wedding goes there's a lot of reasons why she might have chosen not to, is she a reserved person normally? if so perhaps she felt it was like the two of you being put under a microscope? If she's not a good dancer she might have felt self-conscious as well. Lastly, there's plain old fatigue, jetting all over the world, the hectic preps for a wedding, she might have just been flat out tired by the time the reception got rolling. Link to post Share on other sites
Osiris1234 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 She hasn't/wouldn't do that. So please, let's not go down that path. We already have already started going down that path. Women are nitorious for lying extremely well. You say she wouldn't but deep down she knows if she can get away with it she will do it. As I said before, im not saying she has but there is an extremely high % that she has. Its as KathyM had said before, she will go out and find her fun without you there but with someone else. Also if she is your first GF she won't be your last, there are millions more women out there. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 (edited) Im not gonna say she has but there is a 95% chance she already cheated on you. Half way across the world with your boyfriend not there and going to clubs dancing and going to bars and coming back at 2AM. Yeah there are red flags throwing up so hard. Its always possible... But lets not forget that shes in Mongolia.... I dont see the Mongolian men having the balls to step to a North American girl anytime soon (and even if a select few did... I dont think your average North American girl fantasizes about Mongolian "meat")... Unless shes out there with alot of half decent guys from the western world Its un likely that its happening....there... Now if the roles were reversed and you as the guy as out there partying...different story... I'm sure Mongolian pussy is on "fire sale" for the Foriegn guy Edited September 26, 2011 by StoneCold Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 "Hey GF, I had a great time at your dad's wedding but noticed that you didn't want to dance. How comes?" I like that phrasing. I also think it is ok to add that you feel a bit jealous to hear that she's been out dancing there, after not dancing with you here. It is bad when people act jealous, but discussing feelings of jealousy in a non-crazy/possessive way is good. If she's your partner, you should be able to share and work through those feelings together. I think that with LDRs you need to continue living your life and filling it with interesting things so that you do have something to talk about when you speak to your partner. Agree again! Link to post Share on other sites
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