wife left and i wrecked my chance

[richyc]

cant make this short as i need to explain so bear with me because i desperately need help.

 

My wife and I had a lovely summer together i thought although now i see the signs. I have always drunk quite often, only at home, and it has been a big problem.

 

6 sept and i had some beer, wife went out and said not to be drunk when she got back. I hate the way that she is always out so I was drunk and she just gave me my pillows and went to bed. Didnt talk much on the 7th and on the 8th she told me that she was leaving and couldnt go on. She said something just snapped but it was a long time coming.

 

She saw how much it hurt me and that this time I had finally listened and woken up but that she has given me all the chances to change that she could. she moved out to her mums.

 

She had thrown herself into sports this year, was always out doing them and I filled my time with beer and my daughter. We werent really talking or showing each other much affection although I see now that she never stopped trying. She went out to escape and i would drink to punish her. She says that we drifted apart and want different things. That she loved me but wasnt sure she was in love with me anymore.

 

On the 10th she came and we had a nice talk, like we used to when we were younger and actually spoke to each other. We got together after she was 18 and have been married 14 years with a 7 year old daughter.

 

She said that because she could see the change she wasnt sure about her decision and needed time and space to sort her head out. She is having a mid life crisis. She decided to change her life this year, lost weight, got into sports, lost her job in june and doesnt know what she wants to do, met lots more people. I couldnt give her the space while it was still so raw and kept pushing and trying.

 

On the 18th the three of us had a lovely day out climbing and we really enjoyed talking. She was going away that night for a few days space in brecon to clear her head and do some climbing. When she left we had a nice hug and kiss and she sounded positive, that we would be ok months down the line. Untill this point she had been quite positive and even told my family that we just needed to work stuff out.

 

There is another issue though, she had become very close to her climbing buddy. She texted him 300 times in the 30 days before and called him for an hour the night that she left. I believe that she hasnt cheated but there is more than just chat about climbing, some emotional link and it has woken something up inside her. She lied about brecon and has never done that before, we have never lied to each other so I knew that something wasnt right.

 

I had a melt down while she was away. I rang the friend that she was supposed to be going with, rang another of her friends, rang the climbing buddy that I feared she was with, rang the climbing center that she was at, found and rang the hotel that she wasnt supposed to be at. She just wanted to be alone I think hence the cover story.

 

When she got back on 20th she was furious, said that I had made the decision for her. That we are over, the seperation is final and changed her fb status to seperated.

 

We talked next day and she understand why I melted down but is angry and says her decision is made.

 

on 22nd we talked and she said that she wants to move on, meet other people, meet other men, have a snog, be alive, and wants me to be with other women. I didnt think that I could hurt anymore but hearing that was a new low.

 

23nd she went away for a long weekend with the girls, something booked ages ago and called me a few times but I didnt contact her. She came around last night and we talked about her time away. I tried it on but she resisted, said that it would be too emotional and cloud her decision and feelings since she was only just getting them under control. She was the one since the beginning talking about us staying good friends - friends with benefits.

 

I asked and she did say that she hadnt missed me. I dont think that she has missed me at all through this and has been out constantly with friends and partying. She hasnt wanted to try at all to fix this or to take time to think about it.

 

She wouldnt risk any sex in case it was emotional and she wanted to come back. She is trying to completely distance herself and I feel her doing it. She says that she has made her decision and has to stick with it.

 

I havent touched a drop in almost 3 weeks and realised that I dont need it in anyway, I am trying to change and have realised just how much I do love her even though I had lost sight of that and thought that I didnt really.

 

I know that I shouldnt push and just need to be positive now, change myself and hope that the new us enjoy each other and some months down the line can sort this out. But I feel desperate, I see hope disappearing in the rear view mirror and talk of meeting new people seemed like a new step in her moving on.

 

I feel like I have to try now before she becomes completely detached and comfortable being single and meets someone.

 

I know that I need to change for me, be positive, get out and make some friends (never did before because I only needed her) and hope that sometime in the future the new her wants to try again with the new me. But letting go is so hard, especially when I see her enjoying herself so much and knowing that other men are on the horizon and she wants it.

 

I love her so much, wtf do I do?

[robf1971]

. I believe that she hasnt cheated but there is more than just chat about climbing, ?

 

Firstly, sorry to find you here, we've all been through or are going through something similar.

 

Now down to business,

 

Please understand that your wife is cheating....

[robf1971]

on 22nd we talked and she said that she wants to move on, meet other people, meet other men, have a snog, be alive, and wants me to be with other women. I didnt think that I could hurt anymore but hearing that was a new low.

 

The best thing you can do is to let her go with a big smile on your face,

 

You to wife

 

"Wife I understand you want to be with (insert OM's name) I get it now, I want you to be with him, so I've packed your stuff in boxes and will even help you move out"

 

Don't mention anything to her but Lawyer up, protect yourself legally, once your wife is out, work on yourself. Get into some serious excercise, get out and enjoy life. It will be hard at first but fake it till you make it.

 

Ignore all her silly texts, emails and phone calls, unless it's about kids or finances. If she rings you up to bitch about money just email her your lawyers number.

 

At the moment you being a clingy, doormat is doing no good whatsoever, the work you need to be doing is counterintuitive. Oh one more thing before you dismiss what I'm saying as the ravings of a lunatic, I reconciled with my wife... so listen!!

[richyc]

Firstly, sorry to find you here, we've all been through or are going through something similar.

 

Now down to business,

 

Please understand that your wife is cheating....

 

yes I have that feeling in my gut, that anguish. Not sure if she has actually acted on it yet but am sure that she wants to.

 

I dont know how to let go though, we grew up together having met when she was 18 and have spent 15 years together through thick and thin.

 

She is the only woman that I have ever loved and the only person that I have ever trusted or relied on, she is my soul mate. This is killing me.

[andyg99]

There is zero excuse for her cheating...

 

It seems to me that even though you haven't had a drink in 3 weeks you might want to put your efforts into dealing with yor drinking problem... IMO until that is dealt with you won't be able to deal with anything else. When she leaves and asks you not to be drunk and then you are drunk when she returns that is a major red flag for you having an issue.

 

Please deal with that first, you have a lot on your plate right now and I'm know it's overwhelming. Take one thing at a time... and make sure your child is your focus... I wish you well...

[richyc]

There is zero excuse for her cheating...

 

It seems to me that even though you haven't had a drink in 3 weeks you might want to put your efforts into dealing with yor drinking problem... IMO until that is dealt with you won't be able to deal with anything else. When she leaves and asks you not to be drunk and then you are drunk when she returns that is a major red flag for you having an issue.

 

Please deal with that first, you have a lot on your plate right now and I'm know it's overwhelming. Take one thing at a time... and make sure your child is your focus... I wish you well...

 

yeah, it has been a problem, a big one. I drank to fill my time and kill the boredom. It was a bad habbit that I got into in the army and never got out of when I left and lost every friend that I had and a whole life.

 

It isnt a problem now, I dont need it and wont end up in the bottom of a bottle like some that I have seen.

 

I am done with drinking forever.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but your wife has been cheating on you. When they say that they need time away to clear their head, to think about things. That's just an excuse to get away from you and carry on their affair without interuption from you.

 

Another thing that is telling is that she suggested that you find and meet other women. What wife does that? I'll tell you, a wife that has already cheated to help put their own gulit at ease because of what they've been doing to you.

[GorillaTheater]

The best thing you can do is to let her go with a big smile on your face,

 

You to wife

 

"Wife I understand you want to be with (insert OM's name) I get it now, I want you to be with him, so I've packed your stuff in boxes and will even help you move out"

 

Don't mention anything to her but Lawyer up, protect yourself legally, once your wife is out, work on yourself. Get into some serious excercise, get out and enjoy life. It will be hard at first but fake it till you make it.

 

Ignore all her silly texts, emails and phone calls, unless it's about kids or finances. If she rings you up to bitch about money just email her your lawyers number.

 

At the moment you being a clingy, doormat is doing no good whatsoever, the work you need to be doing is counterintuitive. Oh one more thing before you dismiss what I'm saying as the ravings of a lunatic, I reconciled with my wife... so listen!!

 

This is the best advice you're likely to get. Let her go. The only way you can win is by not playing.

[ThreeLegDog]

Sorry dude, but your wife has been cheating on you. When they say that they need time away to clear their head, to think about things. That's just an excuse to get away from you and carry on their affair without interuption from you.

 

Another thing that is telling is that she suggested that you find and meet other women. What wife does that? I'll tell you, a wife that has already cheated to help put their own gulit at ease because of what they've been doing to you.

 

QFT. My stbX said the very exact same phrases. Listen to ChiTown.

[richyc]

QFT. My stbX said the very exact same phrases. Listen to ChiTown.

 

Yep. Saw her tonight, she was in her dressing gown - cant remember if she said she was going to bed or anything though.

 

We talked but she kept getting annoyed with me. I asked about her reading and she kept getting annoyed with me. All the time she kept texting on her phone, she said it was her friend but kept the screen hidden.

 

I know now that she was getting teste because she wanted rid of me. She did point out that were were totally over.

 

I checked back later and the car was gone. She wasnt at her friends house. She got back to her mums just before 2am. Am sure the cheating whore is seeing someone, if I can just be certain then I can start burning and selling all her stuff.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, it definately sounds like she's cheating on you. If I were you, I would find out with who. See if the guy has a girlfriend or a wife. Gather any evidence of an affair and start to expose to everyone. Put a keylogger on your computer, and get a couple of voice activated recorders (VAR's) Plant them in your house and velcro one underneath her car seat. She's probably guarding her phone with her life; however, if she ever sync'd her phone up to the home computer, the phone probably downloaded her text conversations into a folder. Look into finding this out.

 

If you live in an "at fault" state, proving that she's cheating on you will only help you in court. Also see if your state allows alienation of affection lawsuits that you can put on the OM. If you live in a "no fault" state, okay well at least you'll have the satisfaction that you can tell the truth of why the marriage failed. Believe me, once she starts telling that you two are through...she's going to continue to lying to people and blaming everything on you, and that's not fair to you.

[2011aug]

She is the only woman that I have ever loved and the only person that I have ever trusted or relied on, she is my soul mate. This is killing me.

 

 

Allow me to point out the obvious (at least it is for me): you cant have a cheater for a soul mate.

 

You'll never be able to fully trust your unfaithful wife again till, say, she's in her 70s in a wheelchair with you being her full-time caregiver.

[Owl]

I don't completely agree with that. Some marriages recover, trust can be rebuilt and regained with time and demonstrated trustworthiness.

 

With that said...there's no garauntee that your wife is WILLING to change her ways and become trustworthy.

 

My thought is that you might consider checking out marriagebuilders.com, review their free material, and/or consider picking up a copy of "Surviving an Affair".

 

The bottom line is that you need to push for your wife to end the affair...or...consider the option of moving on without her in your life.

 

Have you confronted your wife with the affair? Have you exposed it to friends and family, asking their help in rescuing your marriage? Do you know who OM is, and have you pushed for NC with him?

 

What true CONSEQUENCE has your wife suffered for her actions?

[andyg99]

It isnt a problem now, I dont need it and wont end up in the bottom of a bottle like some that I have seen.

 

I am done with drinking forever.

 

I'm glad to hear that - I hope going cold turkey works for you, I have many people close to me who have battled the bottle off and on for years... From what I see the drinking is your biggest problem, even with quitting it's still fresh... making sure you have that under control and you understanding why you drank to get drunk seems to me the most important thing you are dealing with. I wish you well - and I hope you find peace for your sake and your childs....

[LuckyCharms]

You're getting very good advice so far, in my opinion. Get a lawyer, continue being sober, and be a great dad to your child. Are custody and visitation rights important to you?

 

A piece of advice I've heard from law professionals, repeatedly, is "don't tell the opposing party what you're going to do, and don't tell them what you're not going to do."

[andyg99]

A piece of advice I've heard from law professionals, repeatedly, is "don't tell the opposing party what you're going to do, and don't tell them what you're not going to do."

 

very good advice - but often the "hurt" party (the one who was left/cheated on) is in a weak emotional position. They feel if they concede things during a divorce or they are "nice" that the other person will reconsider. I can't stress enough to anyone going through this: BE SELFISH! LOOK AFTER YOURSELF FIRST! DON'T BE A PUSHOVER! it goes against everything your weakened mind is telling you but you need to do it! that's why I always say: get stong and move forward!!!

 

and to be clear - this isn't about taking anyone to the cleaners either, it's about getting a settlement that is fair for both spouses and more importantly the kids!!!

[richyc]

Quick update, just caught her down a country lane sucking on her climbing buddy - the guy that she texted 300 times in the month before she left me.

 

She was cheating on me. Odd, I dont feel as angry as I thought I would. Am just glad to know that I was right and not going mad. She wont be taking me for a fool anymore but I feel bad for my daughter because I think things just got ugly

[Chi townD]

What exactly happened? How did you catch her? How did you know where she would be? What did she say when you caught her?

 

The reason why you're not feeling emotional about this is you're still in shock.

[richyc]

What exactly happened? How did you catch her? How did you know where she would be? What did she say when you caught her?

 

The reason why you're not feeling emotional about this is you're still in shock.

 

I had obvious suspision about her and this guy and it was the not knowing if my gut was right that was killing me - the wondering about if she was with him and what they were doing. So I put a gps tracker on the car, thats how I found them.

 

After pulling up next to them they had time to stop what they were doing, when I looked through the window he was laid down on the back seat and she was sat in the middle of the foot well. She opened the door shouting and to get me away from the car. With the door wide open and the light on I could see him sit up and trying to pull his trousers up and do them up.

 

She says they only kissed and I didnt think she was lying tbh but when I think back I know what I saw.

 

Fastforward to 2 days ago - we met to discuss the bills/finances. I was ready to split everything and move on, had accepted it. But she ended up coming home for a coffee and we had a long talk, a good talk. She admitted that she had doubts, had seen a lot of change in me, liked being with me again etc etc

 

Last night we went climbing together and she came back for coffee and we talked again. Short version is that we are getting on really well and she has doubts and doesnt know what the future holds.

 

She doesnt want to go looking for new people but doesnt want to feel guilty about meeting them and doesnt want me too either because we cant put our lives on hold for months or a year to see if we get back together. Then she said that she cant think about thios right now because she is just about to start a 2 month intensive course and has to focus that she made her decision and has to stick to it for now.

 

And then the clincher - after her course she still wants to move out of her mums and get a place on her own. She wants to be on her own for 6 months. To me that says it all, how can you be so sure that you want to be on your own if you are unsure of your feelings or the future?

 

I know she has doubts but this feels like I am a safety net and if she came back having tried and failed to find a place or manage on her own then I couldnt take her back because it would only be as a last resort and not because she wanted it.

 

I dont want to pressure her or give a time limit but I cant wait as a safety net.

[silic0ntoad]

Completely right. If I were you, and I saw that, I'd get papers, serve her, fight for custody and be done. As for the drinking problem, use that as a clincher. Focus on it. All of your energy. Alcoholism is a disease. Beat it.

 

Dude, I gotta say, you handled that much better then I would have. I'd have beat the ever living **** out of that guy, and slapped her with the D papers next day, no reconciliation, no second chances.

 

I've learned that second chances are given to those worthy of them. A wife caught sucking some other guys cock isn't worthy of even the papers the divorce agreement is written on, but sadly that's something out of my control.

 

D her bro. You're not a safety net. You're a goddamned man. Act like one.

[Owl]

She's continuing to try to keep you as her safety net.

 

If she's not willing to take the steps she HAS TO in order for your marriage to reconcile, you really need to proceed on with divorce.

 

Her goal at this point is "cake eating".

 

She wants the security she has with you, but with the freedom to be "with" whomever whenever she pleases, as though she wasn't married.

 

The question is...what is it that YOU want out of the marriage...or divorce?

[EgoJoe]

You are worth more and deserve so much better than this. You yourself said you know what you saw and yet you believed her. She's probably a very convincing liar and maybe because she believes it herself.

 

What she says is not reality. You are the man use your LOGIC. File for divorce, print out those records and get a signed affidavit from yourself stating the exact events from the other day.

 

Take her out of the picture.

[richyc]

Quick update, lots has happened since and lots has been said.

 

She doesnt know that I know yet, but she left me on the 8th sept, moved to her mums on the 12th and spent the night with her climbing buddy on the 15th. They have been at it like rabbits since.

 

I was right about everything, knew it in my gut but had to get proof.

 

She thinks we are friends, that she is gonna get to pick and choose what she wants in the house and have me store her stuff until after xmas when she hopes to get a place of her own.

 

She is in for a big shock when the devorce papers go through her letter box in 3 weeks when she starts her course, and the car insurance gets cancelled and all her **** gets piled up in the driveway.

 

Keeping a lid on what I know for 3 weeks isnt gonna be easy but it will be so worth it - just like proving to her mum that I was right and her daughter is a cheating whore.

[robf1971]

Quick update, lots has happened since and lots has been said.

 

She doesnt know that I know yet, but she left me on the 8th sept, moved to her mums on the 12th and spent the night with her climbing buddy on the 15th. They have been at it like rabbits since.

 

I was right about everything, knew it in my gut but had to get proof.

 

She thinks we are friends, that she is gonna get to pick and choose what she wants in the house and have me store her stuff until after xmas when she hopes to get a place of her own.

 

She is in for a big shock when the devorce papers go through her letter box in 3 weeks when she starts her course, and the car insurance gets cancelled and all her **** gets piled up in the driveway.

 

Keeping a lid on what I know for 3 weeks isnt gonna be easy but it will be so worth it - just like proving to her mum that I was right and her daughter is a cheating whore.

 

Wow you are handling this great, do not be surprised if she starts begging you to come back. Actually I would go one stage further and take her stuff and dump it outside her mums house.

[richyc]

Wow you are handling this great, do not be surprised if she starts begging you to come back. Actually I would go one stage further and take her stuff and dump it outside her mums house.

 

She wont be coming back, she has moved on. I already knew that I couldnt take her back but this has sealed it. I feel great, can move on and know it wasnt me and she is the one that caused it all.

 

She came round before to sort out all the baby stuff we had kept for our next one, to sell and get some cash. Lots of tears and regretts but not from me, i just kept a lid on the anger and must have said the word "slag" a million times in my head