how do you let down your defenses?

[confused]

i don't know how to start this and i hope it don't get too lengthly, but here goes anyway. i'm a female 44 and have been very shy and reserved all my life that I can remember.

 

i have been living with this guy for over two years now and he is somewhat out going and at times tries to get me to be more out going as well.

 

i don't want to be tho, i am comfortable with the way i am, sure at times, i envy others who have the courage and the words to start and continue conversations with total strangers, i would love to be that way and have tried to be more socailly out going but soon i revert back to my old ways.

 

the other thing is because of my boyfriend he is rather moody and sometimes when i try to talk to him he bites my head off, or says something like i already told you once, in a very impatient voice, and is easily irritated.

 

i never really know when he is going to switch from happy go lucky to mr. moody. so i am constantly on guard, and when he does act happy and is in a good mood, it is hard for me to respond to him as i never know when he will turn into an ole crab again.

 

i think part of it is that i am reserved and don't know how to respond anyway, and the other part is i feel slighted every time he bites my head off.

 

i want to change though, i am tired of being a stick in the mud, and i want to respond to him when he is happy and having fun and wants me to join him. but for the two reasons, i'm shy and reserved, and 2nd because i never know how he is going to act, it has made life hard with him, but it was hard before him anyway, only now i feel it more as he does try to draw me out. i'm sure it's not much fun for him at times either, for me to just sit and do nothing when we go out.

 

he always has the option of leaving me, as i have told him, but he don't want to leave me. sometimes i want to leave him though, as i feel i am more of a burden to him then a blessing. any ideas on what to do? thank you, confused

[Tony T]

Wow, what a great feeling...to feel like a burden to the guy you love.

 

Well, I think he's a real jerk. How could he possibly expect to have you be more outgoing when he flys off the handle when you are.

 

I also don't see how you can live with the unpredictability of his moods. I would tell him you are going to do the best you can to be a better person but if his up and down moods don't change, you are outta there. This is typical of the alcoholic personality. Either that's the way his parents were/are or he has done some pretty serious drinking in his life. You don't need to live your life like that. That's not how nice, healthy, mutually loving relationships are conducted.

 

It seems you have done everything you can do, short of leaving. Try to work with him on this mood problem of his. Maybe the two of you can get some professional help. But you have to stand your ground and let him know you aren't some little child who will put up with that treatment. You are an adult, you are a lady, and you will no longer tolerate the unpredictability of his moods.

 

He may even need some medication. It is not normal for a person to flip back and forth with their moods. My own personal feeling is that it is alcohol or drug related, present or past.

 

Tell him to go outside when he's upset and kick the tires on this car (unless they are Firestone).

 

You need a much more calm, fulfilling life than you have now. It's great that you are starting to want to do something about it.

[confused]

tony, i didn't mean that he flys off the handle when i am more out going, i meant that it is hard to try to be more outgoing when i never know when he will flipflop

 

as for his past, he use to be addicted to coke, but has been through treatment years ago, and has never used the stuff in about three years. he does drink, about once or twice a week only, and only because i wont go out more then that.

 

i have talked to him about trying something like that herb called SAMe, he says he will try it but hasn't yet. i am going to start myself on st. johns wart as i have been feeling down lately because i have a thyroid condition that i just found out about last week and am now on meds.

 

the thyroid condition causes the depression. i am hoping that he will try something so he wont be so moody. like last night we went out for karaoke and after about an hour i wanted to go home cause my tummy was upset, i also didn't like how fast he drank the three beers, so i was also looking for an excuse to leave before he could order another.

 

when we got home i didn't take anything for my stomach and didn't eat, instead i went to bed. this morning he said i ruined his fun last night by wanting to leave then not even taking anything for my stomach when we got home.

 

well he said it in a nice way, he was not mean, sarcastic or rude about it, just plainly stating a fact. i told him i guess i was just more tired then anything.

 

i don't like living like this, but other then his moods, he is basically a good guy, he treats me very good for the most part, it's just a lot of my hangups cause problems for us, like i hate his drinking or anyone elses for that matter, but he tries, he stays home more now then ever in his whole life with other women.

 

i'll keep after him tho for the SAMe, but i will tell him to go kick the tires, there not firestone either. lol! thans.

Wow, what a great feeling...to feel like a burden to the guy you love. Well, I think he's a real jerk. How could he possibly expect to have you be more outgoing when he flys off the handle when you are. I also don't see how you can live with the unpredictability of his moods. I would tell him you are going to do the best you can to be a better person but if his up and down moods don't change, you are outta there. This is typical of the alcoholic personality. Either that's the way his parents were/are or he has done some pretty serious drinking in his life. You don't need to live your life like that. That's not how nice, healthy, mutually loving relationships are conducted. It seems you have done everything you can do, short of leaving. Try to work with him on this mood problem of his. Maybe the two of you can get some professional help. But you have to stand your ground and let him know you aren't some little child who will put up with that treatment. You are an adult, you are a lady, and you will no longer tolerate the unpredictability of his moods. He may even need some medication. It is not normal for a person to flip back and forth with their moods. My own personal feeling is that it is alcohol or drug related, present or past. Tell him to go outside when he's upset and kick the tires on this car (unless they are Firestone).

 

You need a much more calm, fulfilling life than you have now. It's great that you are starting to want to do something about it.

[Jenna]

Lets put the boyfriend on the back burner for a minute and talk about you. You are severly lacking in self-esteem and self-confidence. This was a problem before the boyfriend came along- as it is not something that comes up over night.

 

It is so hard to learn to love yourself if you don't have proper instruction on the right ways to do it. You may want to consider counseling- to help with your esteem. But in the mean time here is a wonderful way to get started.... learn to properly take a compliment. I suspect that when people give you a compliment- you argue. Like, "I love your dress!" Do you say. "I think it makes me look fat- or I hate this thing" ?? Even if you "think" it- just say "thank you" and smile. Then think about the compliment- would someone have made a special point to say something nice about you or to you if they didn't mean it? Probably not- they thought you actually deserved it and wanted you to know they noticed. If you can start to believe that you are worthy of other people's attention and affection- you will start to develop self-confidence. This is the key to having a fun social life- being able to converse with others and being social settings without feeling uncomfortable. In fact- "giving" a compliment is a wonderful way to strike up a conversation! But- don't do it as a path to talk down about yourself- like, "I love your hair-style" only to turn around and say "I hate mine-I never can do anything with it" This kind of behaviour is a MAJOR turn off- it wears people out trying to lift you up. Be conscious of what you are saying- don't say things that make others feel uncomfortable- keep it up beat. Read the paper or magazines and discuss a subject that you have read.

 

Now, as for the boyfriend- if you learn to like yourself- you will quickly see that this is not the kind of man that makes you happy. Even if he is nice "most" of the time- so are wife beaters. They ONLY fly off when they are pissed- but does that give them the right?? NO

 

He probably has issues of his own that need to be worked out- and frankly- you two aren't helping each other.

 

With your personality-you need someone who keeps you on the right path- the one to liking yourself- not someone who makes you feel like a burden. GOOD LORD! Don't EVER say that again!! Don't say things "like" that- EVER AGAIN. You are a human being who deserves love and attention- but know this..... you will not get it until you demand it- and practice it yourself.

 

Please keep us posted on your progress. Good Luck. Jenna

tony, i didn't mean that he flys off the handle when i am more out going, i meant that it is hard to try to be more outgoing when i never know when he will flipflop as for his past, he use to be addicted to coke, but has been through treatment years ago, and has never used the stuff in about three years. he does drink, about once or twice a week only, and only because i wont go out more then that.

 

i have talked to him about trying something like that herb called SAMe, he says he will try it but hasn't yet. i am going to start myself on st. johns wart as i have been feeling down lately because i have a thyroid condition that i just found out about last week and am now on meds. the thyroid condition causes the depression. i am hoping that he will try something so he wont be so moody. like last night we went out for karaoke and after about an hour i wanted to go home cause my tummy was upset, i also didn't like how fast he drank the three beers, so i was also looking for an excuse to leave before he could order another.

 

when we got home i didn't take anything for my stomach and didn't eat, instead i went to bed. this morning he said i ruined his fun last night by wanting to leave then not even taking anything for my stomach when we got home. well he said it in a nice way, he was not mean, sarcastic or rude about it, just plainly stating a fact. i told him i guess i was just more tired then anything. i don't like living like this, but other then his moods, he is basically a good guy, he treats me very good for the most part, it's just a lot of my hangups cause problems for us, like i hate his drinking or anyone elses for that matter, but he tries, he stays home more now then ever in his whole life with other women. i'll keep after him tho for the SAMe, but i will tell him to go kick the tires, there not firestone either. lol! thans.