Uninterested

[praxisdorian]

There was a movie recently where the guy complains, "she doesn't want to have sex anymore". The woman responds, I DO want to have sex...just not with you".

 

My wife and I have been married for just over three years. I'm in my 50's and she is about 8 years younger. She has 4 children, of which 3 are over 18 and out of the house and the 4th splits her time between her natural father and us.

 

My wife is very energetic, visiting the gym as much or more than me. We both enjoy anything outdoors that involves physical activity.

 

We've had a tumultuous few years together. She is more of a project oriented person, and I'm more seat of the pants. Don't misconstrue. I do a lot. As an example, since I work from home, I usually make the bed, clean the kitchen, and generally pick up around the house. I maintain everything from clogged sinks to our home computers and network.

 

Allow me to frame the situation. As I said, we have plenty of time now with the kids all but gone at least half of the week. Even though the house is cleaner than ever, even though virtually everything is taken care of, she is still quite vocally critical for anything that falls through the cracks, and not mindful of how much I have done and do on a daily basis. This criticality has led to many arguments. It is the arguments that she indicates pushes her away.

 

Yet, even when there are no arguments, and I am waiting on her hand and foot, and clearing her way of everything, sex seems to be the last thing on her mind... or rather... sex with me is the last thing on her mind. She frequently speaks about it. She reads romance novels continually (probably 3 a week). I've even begun taking over task after task (i.e. paying the bills). Many days are characteristic of yesterday. We returned from a weekend at the beach. I worked from mid afternoon till late evening on chores and repairs around the house. Yet, when we were both siting on the couch watching some nonsense on TV, she seemed completely unaffected by my affectionate caresses.

 

Its not like I haven't been creative or capable. I've literally spent days massaging her and affectionately stroking her, only to have her reject sexual advances on the third day, even after the "obligatory"30 minute warmup. We've had some amazing moments in the past. I'm certainly not ignorant of technique. I've taken her to the point of total abandonment to where we've had sex in hotel stairwells, parking lots (standing up) at midday in the middle of the week. So, it's not that I can't turn her on. It's almost as if she wont let me. I've listened to the advice of marriage counselors, reltionship books, forums, websites, you name it. Everytime we have intercourse, she say's things like, "WOW! Why aren't we doing this everyday"? But then she falls into the same pattern.

 

Her is MY issue with regard to it all. I want her to want me. I hate feeling like I'm begging her for intimacy day after day, and especially when my primary focus is to make her feel amazing.

[Osiris1234]

Its like ive said to many of my ex''s.

 

"If you won't give it to me I can easily find it from someone else". (Yes cheating).

 

They said they would leave me.

 

I told them "More power to ya, your not the only girl out there".

 

They said they would cheat on me back.

 

I told them go ahead, but know ill have evidence of them cheating but they wouldnt be able to prove i was cheating.

 

Either it ended up in break ups but most of the time I got my way and got more sex.

 

Is it manipulation? Yes but sometimes you gotta do what you need to do to get what you want.

[praxisdorian]

Obviously I failed to convey that I am in love with my wife and commited to our relationship. She's a wonderful friend and a good wife. I'm just concerned that the physical chemistry we had is evaporating and I don't know how to fix it.

[Kinder-Horror]

Its like ive said to many of my ex''s.

 

"If you won't give it to me I can easily find it from someone else". (Yes cheating).

 

They said they would leave me.

 

I told them "More power to ya, your not the only girl out there".

 

They said they would cheat on me back.

 

I told them go ahead, but know ill have evidence of them cheating but they wouldnt be able to prove i was cheating.

 

Either it ended up in break ups but most of the time I got my way and got more sex.

 

Is it manipulation? Yes but sometimes you gotta do what you need to do to get what you want.

 

That is almost the WORST advice I can think of.

If a man I was seeing said that to me, I would be out immediately. That is so completely unattractive, what would make you think a woman would want to touch you after saying that to her?

Marriage is about working through problems, not holding something over the other's head or scaring them into having sex with you.

 

OP, Have you considered talking to her about this? It seems like it would be a delicate conversation - but it still needs to happen in order for you both to be satisfied. Definitely don't make it seem like this is all her fault. But make simple, calm observations about how you two maybe have fallen into a pattern with sex (or lack thereof) and ask her if there is anything you can do to turn her on/make her feel wanted, etc. You seem to be/have been a spontaneous couple in the past, maybe she is looking for that kind of excitement again?

 

When you DO end up doing it nowadays, is there a certain time? Does she end up randomly pouncing on you, or is it at the end of the day, once you are turning in for the night? Some of these things may clue you in to where she is at mentally/sexually right now.

[DarkPrince]

Its like ive said to many of my ex''s.

 

"If you won't give it to me I can easily find it from someone else". (Yes cheating).

 

They said they would leave me.

 

I told them "More power to ya, your not the only girl out there".

 

They said they would cheat on me back.

 

I told them go ahead, but know ill have evidence of them cheating but they wouldnt be able to prove i was cheating.

 

Either it ended up in break ups but most of the time I got my way and got more sex.

 

Is it manipulation? Yes but sometimes you gotta do what you need to do to get what you want.

I swear I was going to post almost the same thing. Sometimes to be successful you need to learn how to call a woman's bluff. If you dont they will walk all over you. This is true even if it's true love. People are people.

[Kinder-Horror]

I swear I was going to post almost the same thing. Sometimes to be successful you need to learn how to call a woman's bluff. If you dont they will walk all over you. This is true even if it's true love. People are people.

 

You guys must date some lonely, desperate idiots for that to work enough to think it's a good idea. Which actually seems like a great match.

[frozensprouts]

Its like ive said to many of my ex''s.

 

"If you won't give it to me I can easily find it from someone else". (Yes cheating).

 

They said they would leave me.

 

I told them "More power to ya, your not the only girl out there".

 

They said they would cheat on me back.

 

I told them go ahead, but know ill have evidence of them cheating but they wouldnt be able to prove i was cheating.

 

Either it ended up in break ups but most of the time I got my way and got more sex.

 

Is it manipulation? Yes but sometimes you gotta do what you need to do to get what you want.

 

no offense osiris, but that is nasty. what a double standard! you don`t want your partner to cheat, but you threaten to do it. seriously, think about that for a minute.

[frozensprouts]

I swear I was going to post almost the same thing. Sometimes to be successful you need to learn how to call a woman's bluff. If you dont they will walk all over you. This is true even if it's true love. People are people.

 

 

it is comments like this that make give men a bad name.

 

perhaps, instead of manipulating a woman into having sex with you, why not try and see why she needs to be manipulated into doing so

[ladydesigner]

You guys must date some lonely, desperate idiots for that to work enough to think it's a good idea. Which actually seems like a great match.

 

:lmao::lmao:So so true. I would be so OUT-THE-DOOR. Why even make a threat if its that bad. Why not just leave or find a solution. Threats never work on me. They have ALWAYS backfired.

[Try]

Its like ive said to many of my ex''s.

 

"If you won't give it to me I can easily find it from someone else". (Yes cheating).

 

They said they would leave me.

 

I told them "More power to ya, your not the only girl out there".

 

They said they would cheat on me back.

 

I told them go ahead, but know ill have evidence of them cheating but they wouldnt be able to prove i was cheating.

 

Either it ended up in break ups but most of the time I got my way and got more sex.

 

Is it manipulation? Yes but sometimes you gotta do what you need to do to get what you want.

In a June 10th 2011 thread started by you (Osiris1234) titled "just being friends" (see link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282089/) you stated the following:

 

“So it seems like everytime I find a girl interesting and we go out on a date, it always ends with her telling me "I just wanna be friends", and I tell her "I have enough friends" and tell her im not interested and go my own way.” And “I feel like a failure with women since im 21 and have never had a girlfriend before and am still a virgin sadly. I am asking now so that way when i do decide to get back into the dating scene ill know im ready.”

 

Osiris, you should not be giving love related advice until you have experienced it. Come on. Really how many "exs" could you have had in the last few months?

[Woggle]

I hate to say it but the advice he gave does work sometimes. That is how my barber saved his marriage. Sometimes it shocks them into actually being a partner. I would recommend talking to her though.

[DarkPrince]

Its all good. I dont manipulate anyone into having sex with me. Seriously Ive never had to do that. I just dont like when women withhold sex for the sole purpose of getting their way. thats all im saying

[praxisdorian]

I honestly don't think that she is using it as a manipulation. I think that she is as frustrated as me. Perhaps it is her age or personality type getting in the way. But, she's just not the manipulative type. She's more the brutally honest type, which is why I think that she is baffled as to what is wrong. I was simply hoping that by coming to this site and posting that someone would have had a similar experience and have and answer. She thinks I'm attractive and she respects me. It's just that she is inordinately distracted at times. If she were self conscious about not doing her part, that might explain the irritability.

[OliveOyl]

Her lack of interest has nothing to do with how many chores you do around the house or how willing you are to chip in. You cannot fix it by doing more things around the house or making sure the mundane day-to-day stuff is done. It is completely separate from all that.

 

Your one big clue is that she is reading romance novels. They are giving her something she feels is missing. It has something to do with passion. She doesn't feel that kind of passion right now with you. The big question is how to rekindle things.

 

First, how is your appearance? I hate to bring up the weight issue, but have you gained significant weight? Does your hairstyle look up-to-date? You are lucky, just staying relatively in shape and having a decent haircut is usually enough for guys. But sometimes even these things need attention.

 

Secondly, what is the quality of your conversations? Are you able to talk and laugh and share together on topics that don't have to do with the day-to-day household/kid stuff?

 

Finally, and this is hard to explain, yet probably the most important... but, you might need to create a kind of "edginess" about yourself. You might be TOO available, too predictable, too comfortable. I have a radical tip: Read a couple of the romance novels SHE reads. They tend to follow a predictable formula. But you might get a sense of what she's looking for. Read enough so you get a "feel/vibe" for the kind of male/female energy/interaction she's lapping up.

Edited September 27, 2011 by OliveOyl

[Lucky_One]

Late 40's?

 

I would suggest that she is having some hormonal issues. Very very typical for women of that age. When there is a good moment (like if she says she is cold one night when the temperature is moderate, or hot when the temp is cool, or if she is suddenly brought to tears by a AT&T ad on television, or when discussing a mutual friend's menopause, or anything that doesn't draw attention to your seeking online advice about her lack of libido), gently suggest to her that maybe she needs to have her hormone levels checked, especially free testosterone, the next time she goes to the doctor.

 

Keeping the suggestion light and casual doesn't put additional pressure on her that you think something is "wrong" with her; showing her that you are thinking of things to keep her happy and comfortable is always a good thing!

 

PS. October is breast cancer awareness month. With all the media surrounding us every day for breast health, it is easy to say "Honey, I heard an ad on the radio while I was on the way home; have you had your mammogram this year? I don't want to lose you!! Make an appt with your doctor for a check-up, t00; you are too valuable to my heart to not take care of yourself."

[Lucky_One]

Olive raised a good point about the romance novels. Women respond better in general to written erotica rather than visual, and she could subconsciously be trying to raise her own libido by self-medicating.

[praxisdorian]

Her lack of interest has nothing to do with how many chores you do around the house or how willing you are to chip in. You cannot fix it by doing more things around the house or making sure the mundane day-to-day stuff is done. It is completely separate from all that.

 

Your one big clue is that she is reading romance novels. They are giving her something she feels is missing. It has something to do with passion. She doesn't feel that kind of passion right now with you. The big question is how to rekindle things.

 

First, how is your appearance? I hate to bring up the weight issue, but have you gained significant weight? Does your hairstyle look up-to-date? You are lucky, just staying relatively in shape and having a decent haircut is usually enough for guys. But sometimes even these things need attention.

 

Secondly, what is the quality of your conversations? Are you able to talk and laugh and share together on topics that don't have to do with the day-to-day household/kid stuff?

 

Finally, and this is hard to explain, yet probably the most important... but, you might need to create a kind of "edginess" about yourself. You might be TOO available, too predictable, too comfortable. I have a radical tip: Read a couple of the romance novels SHE reads. They tend to follow a predictable formula. But you might get a sense of what she's looking for. Read enough so you get a "feel/vibe" for the kind of male/female energy/interaction she's lapping up.

 

Actually, she has been reading those dimestore romance novels from the time she was pre-teen. Her mom used to tell her that she would corrupt her mind with them. Even when things have been going swimmingly, she has been a voracious reader, and those are the ones she gravitates toward.

[praxisdorian]

Regarding my appearance... I'm 5'11" and weigh 180lbs. She often comments on how good I look. I'm told that I'm attractive by others as well. I work out regularly. Hey, I am 55 years old and snowboard. I'm also learning to surf. I've always been more on the slim side. I bathe daily. She even has commented that she like the way I smell. While I do dress fairly casual (I live in central FL, less is always better if not simply necessary). She says she likes the rugged beach bum look anyway.

 

Both of us are engineers. We share many interests, and frequently discuss everything from fitness to activities to the kids to politics and faith. Our conversations are boundless. We usually spend at least a couple hours each day in conversation of some sort.

 

Within the context of intimacy, neither of us have any hangups. The door is wide open and we are free to talk about any idea and are generally up for anything. We are pretty adventurous.

 

I think the problem is more regarding her having to distract herself in order to avoid painful issues that she is having with the kids, her ex's, etc... The problem with that is once distracted, I get caught up in the mix and neglected.

Edited September 27, 2011 by praxisdorian

[norajane]

I think the problem is more regarding her having to distract herself in order to avoid painful issues that she is having with the kids, her ex's, etc... The problem with that is once distracted, I get caught up in the mix and neglected.

 

When was the last time you two took a vacation alone, somewhere far away from your daily lives?

 

Maybe a recharge away in Spain or Italy or wherever you've always talked about going, with awesome hotel sex is in order!

 

Also, do you two go out on "dates"? Dinner out once a week without the kids, so you can focus on each other? Maybe flirting over a nice bottle of wine?

[praxisdorian]

Late 40's?

 

I would suggest that she is having some hormonal issues. Very very typical for women of that age. When there is a good moment (like if she says she is cold one night when the temperature is moderate, or hot when the temp is cool, or if she is suddenly brought to tears by a AT&T ad on television, or when discussing a mutual friend's menopause, or anything that doesn't draw attention to your seeking online advice about her lack of libido), gently suggest to her that maybe she needs to have her hormone levels checked, especially free testosterone, the next time she goes to the doctor.

 

Keeping the suggestion light and casual doesn't put additional pressure on her that you think something is "wrong" with her; showing her that you are thinking of things to keep her happy and comfortable is always a good thing!

 

PS. October is breast cancer awareness month. With all the media surrounding us every day for breast health, it is easy to say "Honey, I heard an ad on the radio while I was on the way home; have you had your mammogram this year? I don't want to lose you!! Make an appt with your doctor for a check-up, t00; you are too valuable to my heart to not take care of yourself."

 

I hate to sound like I'm rejecting everything that everyone is saying. I came here because I've exhausted everything so far posted. Her Gyn says that she isn't pre menopausal because she still has her periods like clockwork. Albeit, she is experiencing the temperature thing occasionally.

 

Regarding my concern for her heath, I scheduled her bone density test and mammogram even though she indicated that she thought that the bone density test would be useless.

 

Oh, and I learned in a former life to NEVER ask if it's that time of the month with regard to behavior. I just assume that encompasses ALL hormonal issues and don't go there.

[xxoo]

I think the problem is more regarding her having to distract herself in order to avoid painful issues that she is having with the kids, her ex's, etc... The problem with that is once distracted, I get caught up in the mix and neglected.

 

That is an interesting insight. If this is the case, then the bigger problem is that she is over-dependent on her "escapism". That is the underlying need to be addressed--reducing stress, and more appropriate coping.

 

Personally, I use sex as this kind of distraction, which is probably good for our marriage

 

But I also use the internet (hello, LS! ). Sometimes it takes a concious decision to "step away from the computer and spend time with your husband", because the computer is a quick "fix".

 

Maybe if you talk to her about it in these terms, she'll be open to scheduling some quality time with you. Schedule some "no reading" time, so to speak, and then help her find some OTHER ways to escape from all the worries!

[praxisdorian]

When was the last time you two took a vacation alone, somewhere far away from your daily lives?

 

Maybe a recharge away in Spain or Italy or wherever you've always talked about going, with awesome hotel sex is in order!

 

Also, do you two go out on "dates"? Dinner out once a week without the kids, so you can focus on each other? Maybe flirting over a nice bottle of wine?

 

 

Both of us travel frequently. Since I work from a home office, and my office can be wherever there is internet access and a cell signal, I usually go with her on business trips that we extend. This year alone, we went Snowboarding on Mt. Hood, hanging out in DC, and this weekend will be in Las Vegas. And yes, those times remove her from the distractions, and the sex is typically more of a focus.

 

We have date nights typically once a week. I've learned that it's me that needs to do the planning for that, as well as vacation venues and activities.

[Avihenda]

To the OP - Try to be as appealing and interesting to her as possible. Sometimes our libidos fluctuate, especially when we have such busy lives. Go get a haircut, some new jeans (that fit great) and some new cologne. These are things you would have done when you were dating her; don't stop doing them now that you're married.

 

She is taking you for granted. Probably NOT on purpose. She depends on you but seems unhappy (the griping). Surprise her with a special dinner or something - it can't hurt and may help. A nice bottle of wine goes a long way too.

 

Best wishes, I can see how much you love your wife. I bet she feels the same, but work stress can get in the way. Feeling "ho-hum" can do it also. You can fix this

[OliveOyl]

It sounds like your appearance is not an issue and I agree if she's always been reading romance novels, then that probably isn't a clear signal. (I still suggest reading one to see if there's anything in there that could be a clue, but that may or may not help.)

 

You said she gets distracted... has anything changed, like some aspect of your lives gotten a lot more difficult? Have you retired in the last few years? Was there one event that occurred to caused her interest to drop, or did it gradually fade away after you got married?

 

I personally don't think it's hormonal, usually in one's 40s, women get MORE horny (I'm 50 and my libido seems stronger than it was in my 20's)... but sometimes not for their husbands

 

I still get this "too available" vibe. It sounds awful because in reality I'm sure you are doing nothing wrong... yet some women essentially start tuning out their husbands when they get bored and their husbands are around all the time. This is essentially her problem but I still would try the paradoxical maneuver of being around/doing LESS for her. I don't mean ignoring her... when you are with her being very sweet and attentive but just somehow you are less "available"... she may be essentially "friendzoning" you in the marriage. Maybe take up motorcycle riding or something and going on long rides...

 

Does she work? Is there a possibility someone at work or online is taking her attention? Even if it appears innocent, that could be enough to divert her attention and interest away.

[praxisdorian]

I'm almost afraid to say it, but I do ride a motorcycle. And yes, she finds that sexy.

 

She does work.

 

However, I think that you did touch on a couple of issues. I think that perhaps I have been too available. It's usually when I'm going away on a business trip that she seems to focus on me. She will even get whiney and say things like, "but...I don't want you to leave". And typically, I will get a "big sendoff"... if you get my drift. I had at first thought the "sendoff" was to make sure that I was sated so as not to be tempted whilst on the road. In retrospect it more appears to be a genuine realization that I simply wont be available.

 

Her distraction is probably a reaction to being overwhelmed by the chaos of her family (kids mainly), her two boys have moved out and refuse to speak with her unless we all wind up at some social event together. Even then, there is no warmth. I know it's painful for her. I try to be supportive and even mediate occasionally. It's slowly getting better. But, it is slow nonetheless.

Edited September 27, 2011 by praxisdorian