Textationships

[Tuicat]

How many people here have ever fallen prey to the textationship? As a woman who hates talking on the phone I love texting, and it's fun and nice [at first] but what is with guys who engage in these?

 

Having just ended a 6 WEEK textationship [yep...] I'd like some opinions about why these happen.

 

*Possibly very relevant background information*

Both myself and the two guys these "textationships" have happened with have all been in rather long-term, very long-distance relationships. Both situations began with hookups [one was just a Hansel/Gretel stay-over, one was a great one-night-stand].

 

The one-night-stand guy has been the worst. After the ONS, he initiated most of the texting. He was always asking me to meet up with him again, so I did, once, [bars, stayover, no sex ] The last 4 weeks has simply been a text-a-thon. He keeps saying how much he wants to see me again, but when I decide to cut the crap and actually message him and say "I'm out, come meet me," he won't end up coming. He seems insecure.

I finally decided to ask him where he was headed with all the texting - His response:

"I thought you were a cool, intelligent person, but you are just emotionless. You don't seem to care - you don't give a **** about me."

 

WTH?? Maybe I'm missing something very straightforward, but what is with 20-something guys and incessant, go-no-place texting?! What is with getting all bent out of shape because the woman you had a ONS with won't TEXT you that she cares about you? How can you say you care about someone you slept with once and met twice?? For sure - if a woman sent texts saying anything like that to a man it would be considered Needyville.

[TheSingleGuy]

I'm a guy: My perspective is...You slept with a guy the night you met him. He wanted more, but he was shy and that's why he was texting you instead of calling. Calling takes a lot more balls than texting. Doesn't mean he didn't want to see you again.

 

You broke his heart.

 

The strange thing about women is, for some, like you, getting laid is no big deal. For others, a kiss is a really big deal. As men, we have no idea what kind of woman we're dealing with. If we treat the girl who thinks getting laid is no big deal like we should treat the girl who thinks a kiss is a big deal, we blow it. Of course, if we treat the girl who thinks a kiss is a big deal like the girl who thinks sex is nothing, we will blow it there too.

 

I swear, I'm getting to the point that I hate all women.

[Tuicat]

Wow. That's pretty harsh - you're getting to HATE all women? Jeez.

 

Before you get your hater on, you should note that:

[a] I'm not some woman who thinks sex isn't a big deal - I'd never had a ONS before in my life;

Everyone wants to avoid getting hurt, we all want to avoid being vulnerable.

Who in their right mind wants to admit to 'catching feelings' about a ONS?

[Which, okay, I did, but I'm not gonna admit to that.]

 

He blew my phone up with texts, but when I offered to actually meet up with the guy he'd kinda just blow me off.

I didn't break his heart dude.

I mean, I could be wrong, and you might be right, but there's more gray to this scenario.

Why should he be all shy? I texted him and said "I'm at ____, come meet me" - hint much?

 

Broke his heart. Pffffft.

[TheSingleGuy]

Tuicat, yup, you broke his heart. I can almost guarantee it.

 

How many times did you text him to meet you? How much advance notice?

 

How many times did he text you to meet you? How much advance notice?

[Emilia]

"I thought you were a cool, intelligent person, but you are just emotionless. You don't seem to care - you don't give a **** about me."

 

WTH?? Maybe I'm missing something very straightforward, but what is with 20-something guys and incessant, go-no-place texting?! What is with getting all bent out of shape because the woman you had a ONS with won't TEXT you that she cares about you? How can you say you care about someone you slept with once and met twice?? For sure - if a woman sent texts saying anything like that to a man it would be considered Needyville.

 

I think it's about your being assertive and outspoken and he is the opposite in terms of personality. You don't know eachother well and he doesn't know how to handle you. I don't think the two of you are compatible

[Tuicat]

Well, see that's just it - textationship behavior.

 

He'd text me often saying "Hang out with me this weekend, I really want to see you again", but it was never anything solid, like "meet me at ____ at ______." I really think he was just playing me - when I'd text him when I was out and say "Come meet me at ______ at _______" [yep, an actual place & an actual time!] he'd flake out, because perhaps for some guys, it's all about the ego-boosting PROCESS.

 

If he was that 'into' me, surely he'd have come and met me. He blew me off like that twice. So I blew him off twice, but only because he seemed so... flakey.

 

I don't understand why a guy would send such intense texts, yet send such mixed signals. And then get all pissy and call me emotionless. I confess - I sometimes DO NOT understand men at all...

[make me believe]

Both myself and the two guys these "textationships" have happened with have all been in rather long-term, very long-distance relationships. Both situations began with hookups [one was just a Hansel/Gretel stay-over, one was a great one-night-stand].

 

So if I'm understanding this correctly you and the guys you are having these "textationships" with are both in long-distance relationships with other people? But yet you are going out and f*cking them, spending weeks & weeks texting them, trying to get them to meet up with you, and wondering why it's not going anywhere? Is this a joke?? Are you in an open relationship or are you cheating on your long-distance bf?

[Emilia]

Well, see that's just it - textationship behavior.

 

He'd text me often saying "Hang out with me this weekend, I really want to see you again", but it was never anything solid, like "meet me at ____ at ______." I really think he was just playing me - when I'd text him when I was out and say "Come meet me at ______ at _______" [yep, an actual place & an actual time!] he'd flake out, because perhaps for some guys, it's all about the ego-boosting PROCESS.

 

If he was that 'into' me, surely he'd have come and met me. He blew me off like that twice. So I blew him off twice, but only because he seemed so... flakey.

 

I don't understand why a guy would send such intense texts, yet send such mixed signals. And then get all pissy and call me emotionless. I confess - I sometimes DO NOT understand men at all...

 

Don't fall into the trap of generalising too much and equate him with his gender. A lot of men are not like that, the trick is to sort them before you sleep with them.

 

Maybe he was playing you - although that wouldn't explain why he sent you the message he did. Some people are time wasters. There are plenty of guys I thought were way too flakey/unpredictable for my liking and I moved on quickly, there is no point in questioning why they are that way. He sounds young though, I have seen 20 or 21 year-olds behave this way

[Emilia]

Also, you say he blew you off twice but in fact it doesn't sound like you had anything solid arranged. Then you did the same playing games. You both sound young. When you get older, you realise tit-for-tat is a complete waste of time and a bit graceless

[phineas]

I spend very little time txting or talking on the phone with women.

If they wish to talk to me they can schedule some face-time & talk to me.

 

If they are too "busy" for that? Well...why do I have her number again?

[Tuicat]

I'm in a don't ask, don't tell scenario. I think. In their cases, I really have no idea.

This is no-one's spotless life. I slept with one of them, once. The second time I saw him I felt it was...inappropriate.

I'm not married, I'm not engaged. Morality isn't the issue here - this is a thread about textationships.

 

I wanted to see him again. I didn't blow him off as tit-for-tat, I was just sick of being messed around - it was more of fed-up reaction than a ploy. He's mid-20's, not so young. I'm a little older.

 

Why be a 'time-waster', surely the only excuse is that you're not really *into* the other person? I want to learn to recognize these guys, because it's a scenario I'd like to avoid in future.

[Tuicat]

Yeah...I understand your stance. That makes perfect sense. I dislike talking on the phone, I like texting, but this was too much - and how can you talk face-to-face when you don't see someone?

[vsmini]

IMO texting doesn't count as real communication. It really holds little emotional value and it's a huge red flag for any relationship if one or both people in it rely on texting as the bulk of their communication.

Can I ask why you don't like to talk on the phone? I'm not saying it's wrong not to but there are usually underlying reasons why people really prefer text over phone communication and most of the time it's insecurity and/or being afraid of comittment.

[Tuicat]

I don't like talking on the phone [and a few other women I know are the same].

Because I...just..don't.. I'm kinda shy, not just in this scenario, but in general. I like to write a lot, words come easier to me that way. I guess shyness/ insecurity is a big part of textophilia.

 

I guess a commitment issue also makes sense here - I'm already in a LD relationship, and I know he is too. Maybe I've got too much of a conscience for the whole cheating/****-buddy scenario. Ha. Maybe he does too.

 

But this whole textationship thing happens to lots of people. Can it always about insecurity/commitment-issues? It seems to be more of a Generation-Y problem too.

[AlexDP]

I don't like talking on the phone [and a few other women I know are the same].

Because I...just..don't.. I'm kinda shy, not just in this scenario, but in general. I like to write a lot, words come easier to me that way. I guess shyness/ insecurity is a big part of textophilia.

 

I guess a commitment issue also makes sense here - I'm already in a LD relationship, and I know he is too. Maybe I've got too much of a conscience for the whole cheating/****-buddy scenario. Ha. Maybe he does too.

 

But this whole textationship thing happens to lots of people. Can it always about insecurity/commitment-issues? It seems to be more of a Generation-Y problem too.

 

 

You're in a relationship with someone, cheating on him with another guy and now you're complaining this other guy is insecure? I can see why he thinks you don't have emotions..

 

You were coming across as very rational, but the way you bring up the fact you're already in a relationship with someone does make me think you're a very cold person.

 

Then again, long distance relationships seem very tough to me. I'd never want to be in one as I need to see and talk with my girlfriend. Not every day perhaps, but still a couple of days a week. And because, like you, I have fallen prey to a "textationship" before, I want to avoid texting as much as possible. It's okay for a little bit of contact, just to know you care about each other, but too much is suffocating and you both end up not living in the moment anymore.

 

Personally I'd rethink my dating approach. You are right though when you say a lot of 20 something guys want to text a lot. I used to think it was just girls, but I see some of my mates texting their girlfriends all the friggin' time. It's not necessarily "wrong" of them, but I can see why you'd get annoyed.

[TheSingleGuy]

"I thought you were a cool, intelligent person, but you are just emotionless. You don't seem to care - you don't give a **** about me."

 

That right there tells you everything you need to know. He feels completely rejected and he wanted more than a one night stand with you. No guy in his right mind is gonna send that text unless he means it. That's a lonely, desperation text and he's finally throwing in the towel with you. Now, he's telling himself your just a slutty, cold, mean bitch. Trust me, I've been through this several times.

 

I am guessing the reason he didn't want to meet you out on your terms was because you were probably out with friends and he is shy. Shy guys don't want to meet you for a first date when you are out with your friends. Either that, or he just wasn't comfortable with the venue you chose or perhaps he just had learned that it was bad "game" to have the woman dictate the terms. I am guessing you were out with friends and invited him to meet you.

 

As for his texts saying "lets hang out this weekend" or whatever, I am guessing you never responded with anything resembling "wow, I'd love to see you again". He was wanting a response like that. Since you never showed any interest he never followed up with a specific time and place because he felt rejected.