Nothing New Here.

[seibert253]

I my have missed it, but did your W ever end her EA with her coworker, and if so, how? Also, how was her reaction when you confronted her, and how was it after. To me, doesn't sound as if she admitted this WAS an A, and was not remorseful.

 

If she never "officially", ended her A, have you given it the though that it may still continue, and may have progressed to something else? Hense the never returning to counseling and the long crazy hours at work.

 

Just another thing to ponder.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

I my have missed it, but did your W ever end her EA with her coworker, and if so, how? Also, how was her reaction when you confronted her, and how was it after. To me, doesn't sound as if she admitted this WAS an A, and was not remorseful.

 

If she never "officially", ended her A, have you given it the though that it may still continue, and may have progressed to something else? Hense the never returning to counseling and the long crazy hours at work.

 

Just another thing to ponder.

 

Yes, to my knowledge the emotional affair between her and the male colleague is over. I've discreetly checked emails, phone and text logs without her knowledge and found nothing. I don't know the precise discussion that ended it, but by all indications it is over.

 

She had difficulty admitting wrongdoing during marriage counseling which is her nature. I'm not criticizing her, but she is undoubtedly stubborn and that can be both good and bad depending on the situation. But she at least showed concern for my feelings. I believe she ended counseling because she believes it is firstly hocus pocus medical care and secondly she was defensive about accepting any blame. This is simply her nature.

 

As for the crazy work hours, I'm confident they're not hiding any hanky panky. She works from our home office and the hours are from 3:30 a.m. until mid morning or early afternoon daily depending on the situation. There are some days she doesn't even leave the house. Her boss promises this schedule is temporary, but because of her promotion she doesn't want to rock the boat. Additionally, the added pressures of the new job leaves her with little downtime for flirty e-mails or chats with co-workers.

 

Thanks for reading!

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Putting it in perspective, if you really feel you are vulnerable to an affair, and you are at the point that you've considered separation, I think the burdens you may place on her as a result of bad choices would be greater than the burden put on her from trying to resolve the problem.

 

Everyone has needs...emotional, physical, etc. In an ideal world, spouses can meet these needs for each other all the time. But it's not an ideal world and other things come into play. Sometimes, like this situation, you have to find balance between meeting her needs (rest and recovery) with your needs for intimacy.

 

Talk to her about it. Or, instead of watching football at night, find those few minutes in a quiet place to jerk it. The shower isn't the only option

 

Yes, I know. It's not a perfect world. Not even close. I have jerked it more recently - and not just in the shower, but at night after everyone is in bed. I don't really like doing it as I'm constantly fearful I will be interrupted, so I finish it as quickly as I can. Which is good and all, but it leaves me just feeling depressed.

 

We did sleep in the same bed once this past week - the first time since July. Her schedule has eased a bit this week - one day she began work at a normal 9 a.m. and another day she was working at 5 a.m. instead of 3:30 a.m. And the boss threw her some extra money to make it somewhat worthwhile. Plus, her illness is letting up, it seems.

 

But now it's like we're at this awkward stage where neither knows what to do. I've heard I should romance her and take her out for a romantic evening and I'm sure that would solve a lot of problems. But at some point, I don't even feel like doing that. It doesn't interest me, really. I was thinking the other day what would happen if she came onto me all hot and heavy, would I even get it up? I don't know, but the thought doesn't really appeal to me at this point. I'm just not interested. She's become like my sister or something.

 

I don't know if this is permanent. Last winter and spring - when we first went to MC, we went out on a date. It was the first since the **** really hit the fan between us. And it was really awkward. It was like the first date of a couple who didn't know each other and in which a second date was not likely. Things changed over the next few weeks and months and we went out more times and had fun again.

 

But then this summer came and things went right back down again. Her absurd work hours, her illness, kids, etc.

 

There's no emotional affairs this time, or none that I'm aware of. But there is just this "blahhh" nothingness now. And part of me thinks that actually might be worse.

 

I dunno anymore. I really don't.

 

By the way, I hate jerking in the shower. Is this weird? I never have a massive orgasm when I jerk in the shower. I just do it to get it out of the way so I'm not crushed with thoughts of pussy all day long. Am I the only guy who doesn't like jerking it in the shower? I dunno.

 

Anyways, I'm rambling. What else is new?

Edited October 8, 2011 by Reuben Kinkaid

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Not much has changed with the exception of my wife's health picking up which is great news. But the awful schedule continues, though it was slightly better last week.

 

Anyway, this past Saturday I was bored and antsy after dinner. I knew in just a couple hours we'd tuck in the kids, my wife would go to sleep and I'd be alone again watching baseball at 9:30 p.m. I wasn't looking forward to it, really, but didn't know what to do.

 

So after some hemming and hawing on my part I upped and left. I told my wife and kids that I was going out and would be back in time to tuck everyone in. I didn't really know what to do or where I was going. I just had to get out and do something.

 

I was antsy and did not want to mope around the house waiting for everyone to go to sleep. So I went to the movies (and saw "Contagion" I'd give it 3.5 stars. You should see it!). Although I was really happy to get out and do something adult and enjoyable, I also felt guilty. I felt guilty leaving my wife with the kids, I felt guilty not taking her with. But she'd never see it. It would freak her out and she hates being freaked out.

 

But I just kept thinking, I'm done waiting for other people, even those I love, so I can live my life. Everything I do is waiting, waiting to take the kids where they want to go, waiting to do as my wife would like me to do. Waiting (indefinitely) to **** someone, anyone. I could walk out of the house tomorrow and get run over by a bus and all I've done is wait on others before living my life.

 

I need to live my life, they are more than welcome to come with, but I cannot be held back so much and so often by everyone else.

 

Rambling, I know. I'm still waking up. This coffee is not strong enough.

[silic0ntoad]

Damn son. Have you told her this stuff yet, or are you still pussy footing around?

 

TBH, this sounds more like a lament, like you've already decided you're moving on, and that an affair would be OK with you.

 

Not that I'd blame you, but if she doesn't know, how can it be fixed?

 

You mentioned earlier she feels like your sister now. I think you need MC, now, like right now. If your heart ain't in it, then you've got to man up and seperate.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Damn son. Have you told her this stuff yet, or are you still pussy footing around?

 

TBH, this sounds more like a lament, like you've already decided you're moving on, and that an affair would be OK with you.

 

Not that I'd blame you, but if she doesn't know, how can it be fixed?

 

You mentioned earlier she feels like your sister now. I think you need MC, now, like right now. If your heart ain't in it, then you've got to man up and seperate.

 

Between her illness and insane work schedule we've hardly seen each other. So pussy footing is the status quo. I'm waiting to hear some assurance from her doctor that everything is okay - which it seems to be - before discussing anything in detail. I have no intention to cheat on her, but if we're never going to have sex again, our days are numbered.

 

We do need MC, we needed it before and she stopped going because she felt the counselor chose sides. She's defensive. But, yes, I still love her.

[MilfinBerle]

Reuben it sounds like she is incompatible with you.

 

Divorce her and find someone who actually loves you enough not to push you away when you try to kiss her.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Reuben it sounds like she is incompatible with you.

 

Divorce her and find someone who actually loves you enough not to push you away when you try to kiss her.

 

I've noticed there are two frequent strategies argued on these boards - DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY or HONOR YOUR VOWS AND STAY TOGETHER FOR ETERNITY. Not everyone here speaks in such absolutes, but many do.

 

I don't think our relationship is quite so black and white. I don't believe any romantic relationship is that black and white.

[xxoo]

Hey Reuben,

 

Good for you going out and doing something small for yourself. Sounds like that is long overdue!

 

It seems like your posts have made a turn for the bitter recently. I'm not saying it isn't justified (I'd be bitter in your spot), but are you aware of the shift?

 

You NEED to talk to her. Your marriage is at stake.

 

Are you using her health as an excuse to avoid the confrontation? Or is she truly that fragile?

[MilfinBerle]

I've noticed there are two frequent strategies argued on these boards - DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY or HONOR YOUR VOWS AND STAY TOGETHER FOR ETERNITY. Not everyone here speaks in such absolutes, but many do.

 

I don't think our relationship is quite so black and white. I don't believe any romantic relationship is that black and white.

 

Reuben my man,

 

the woman pushes you away when you try to hug or kiss her.

 

This isn't just lack of sexual attraction and you've said as much.

 

This isn't a temporary problem, this is on going and fundamental.

 

You can't force someone to love you, and this woman isn't even bothering to pretend.

 

What other options are there? It's not like you haven't been patient.

 

It's not like you haven't tried.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

I'm not sure where I last left off, but bought some gifts etc. for her last week that went absolutely no where. And really just upset me more.

 

Earlier this week, we had a small brief spat over childcare and that sucked. I felt even further from her.

 

But I am determined to keep plugging along until I hit an impossibly large brick wall. So yesterday, when her lunch date with a friend fell through, I offered to take her out for lunch.

 

It was the first time we've been alone for any extended amount of time in quite awhile. We saw a movie, with the kids, a couple weeks ago. That doesn't count.

 

The lunch date, admittedly, was awkward at first. Again, it was like going on a blind date and we didn't know what to say or talk about. Eventually, things felt more comfortable and by the time we left we were sharing some laughs. It was good.

 

We both work from home, so we headed back home. And things were better for the rest of the day. She's been working crazy, crazy hours since July and typically goes to bed when our kids do, if not earlier. Last night she actually stayed up for a couple hours after the kids were asleep and it was just the two of us. I slept on the couch, again, though. Since she's started this new job she's been waking up in the middle of the night for work, so I've slept on the couch as to not disturb her.

 

Anyway, just wanted to get that out there that things are better, though only by a small degree. I'll take it for now.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

I'm not sure where I last left off, but bought some gifts etc. for her last week that went absolutely no where. And really just upset me more.

 

Earlier this week, we had a small brief spat over childcare and that sucked. I felt even further from her.

 

But I am determined to keep plugging along until I hit an impossibly large brick wall. So yesterday, when her lunch date with a friend fell through, I offered to take her out for lunch.

 

It was the first time we've been alone for any extended amount of time in quite awhile. We saw a movie, with the kids, a couple weeks ago. That doesn't count.

 

The lunch date, admittedly, was awkward at first. Again, it was like going on a blind date and we didn't know what to say or talk about. Eventually, things felt more comfortable and by the time we left we were sharing some laughs. It was good.

 

We both work from home, so we headed back home. And things were better for the rest of the day. She's been working crazy, crazy hours since July and typically goes to bed when our kids do, if not earlier. Last night she actually stayed up for a couple hours after the kids were asleep and it was just the two of us. I slept on the couch, again, though. Since she's started this new job she's been waking up in the middle of the night for work, so I've slept on the couch as to not disturb her.

 

Anyway, just wanted to get that out there that things are better, though only by a small degree. I'll take it for now.

 

As stated above, we both work from home, so we're around each other nearly all the ****ing time. Which is great, it really is. It's great to be around your non-****ing spouse all the time.

 

So anyway, when I work from home, I really work. No TV, no distractions - except Loveshack forums. My wife can get her job done with the TV on no problem. I can usually get by with her watching the tube in the other room.

 

So yesterday she's watching some dumb romance movie and laughing up a storm in the living room while working. After about 10 minutes I was pulling my hair out unable to concentrate and just pissed. I packed up my work stuff and told her I was going out. I ended up at Starbucks to work the rest of the day there.

 

A couple hours later she called and asked where I was and I told her "I'm working from Starbucks." She was cool with it. But then she asked, "Are you meeting anyone there," implying maybe I was discreetly meeting a female for fun. She's made comments like this since forever, and they're always tongue in cheek - she knew I was too busy yesterday to do anything like that. But yesterday it kind of pissed me off she was saying that. I almost wanted to say "Would you be surprised if I was? Would you blame me?" But I didn't, I played along and assured her I was there getting my work done.

 

Anyways, not looking for a reply, just using this thread to get thoughts off my chest. I need to get laid.

[xxoo]

A couple hours later she called and asked where I was and I told her "I'm working from Starbucks." She was cool with it. But then she asked, "Are you meeting anyone there," implying maybe I was discreetly meeting a female for fun. She's made comments like this since forever, and they're always tongue in cheek - she knew I was too busy yesterday to do anything like that. But yesterday it kind of pissed me off she was saying that. I almost wanted to say "Would you be surprised if I was? Would you blame me?" But I didn't, I played along and assured her I was there getting my work done.

 

Anyways, not looking for a reply, just using this thread to get thoughts off my chest. I need to get laid.

 

Why not? ......

[giotto]

oh, dear... you've grown apart... I think it's time for an ultimatum. A gentle, reasonable one and see what happens. Confronted with the stark reality, she might change, she might not. At least you'll know. You are too nice to her. I was too. But if you stay, you'll have to accept it and this might take a long time. It's not the best thing in the world, but there is worse. Life is not perfect.

[xxoo]

oh, dear... you've grown apart... I think it's time for an ultimatum. A gentle, reasonable one and see what happens. Confronted with the stark reality, she might change, she might not. At least you'll know. You are too nice to her. I was too. But if you stay, you'll have to accept it and this might take a long time. It's not the best thing in the world, but there is worse. Life is not perfect.

 

No doubt.

 

I don't get it, Reuben. Why do you fake ok when you are clearly so miserable? What are you afraid of?

[giotto]

No doubt.

 

I don't get it, Reuben. Why do you fake ok when you are clearly so miserable? What are you afraid of?

 

I think Reuben has clearly stated he is not happy, but he hasn't put his foot down. Maybe he is scared of the consequences too, or he hasn't reached the point of no return. He is getting there. But he needs to act. His wife is taking him for granted and is too absorbed by her work/kids/illness... but what about poor Reuben? Come on, she needs to know that you are prepared to walk if things don't change... but don't expect a miracle transformation, like Blue Knight's wife...

[Zapbasket]

 

Anyways, I'm still determined to ride this out. Hopefully, her illness will subside soon with the increased medications and she sent an e-mail to her boss today saying the hours and no days off are killing her. I told her "ABOUT ****ING TIME."

 

What resulted from her email? Anything? Did her boss respond?

 

I think she should ask for an exact deadline when the crazy hours cease. People too often make the mistake of being afraid of being fired for speaking up about something that isn't working out. From my experience, you're MORE likely to lose your job if you don't articulate for your coworkers and bosses what you need to get your job done well.

 

And the same advice goes for you, Reuben: you MUST speak up to your wife about the difficulties you're having, sooner rather than later. Is there anyone with whom the kids could stay for a weekend, or could the two of you get away? I think you need to talk free of schedule distractions and the routine of your daily life--especially since it's the routine in large part that is keeping you two from connecting and discussing things.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

No doubt.

 

I don't get it, Reuben. Why do you fake ok when you are clearly so miserable? What are you afraid of?

 

I'm not afraid. I still love her is the problem. I fake OK because when things have cooled in the past, they've always returned. One bad day doesn't make a bad year, one bad year doesn't make a bad lifetime. I'm just waiting for things to turn around or for a final straw. I can't help that I still love her.

[xxoo]

I'm not afraid. I still love her is the problem. I fake OK because when things have cooled in the past, they've always returned. One bad day doesn't make a bad year, one bad year doesn't make a bad lifetime. I'm just waiting for things to turn around or for a final straw. I can't help that I still love her.

 

"Stuffing" your own feelings, and faking ok, is going to contribute to the death of your love for her.

 

It sounds like you won't speak up until there is a final straw---and then it will be too late. Why not speak up now, while you still have love for her in your heart? Speak up because you love her, and want to continue to love her!

[knitwit]

Reuben: it is NOT loving behavior to withhold critical information from your wife.

 

It is NOT! She is able to parent and hold a full time job- you are not describing someone who sounds so ill that they will collapse to hear that their marriage needs work, that the partner also needs some love and attention.

 

I would consider the fact that her partner, the father of her children, feels so neglected and overwhelmed that 1. you are afraid you are vulnerable to an affair and most importantly 2. you are actually weighing the pros and cons of leaving.

 

This is CRITICAL information!!!

 

Have you heard the saying, Each spouse is responsible for 50% of the state of the marriage?

 

This is YOUR 50%!

 

It really has nothing to do with your wife. It is YOUR issue of not wanting to speak up, not telling your partner your truth, YOUR SOP to just "wait it out".

 

It is not fair to blame your wife for not being a mindreader.

 

She sounds like she IS preoccupied with work, being a mom, trying to take care of her illness. This sounds like a perfectly normal thing to me- she is probably trying to do her best with her tasks. It sucks that you are way donw on the priority list, but she might think that you, as a functional adult, are doing OK with things. Especially since you two have discussed that her working hours are temporary and she IS making attempts to improve them.

 

You don't have to be confrontational. Why not say something like, "I love you, you are awesome, you are doing a great job as Mom, and taking on this new position for work! Lets get out for an evening/weekend and have some Husband and Wife time and get close and celebrate! I have missed being with you, let's take some time to reconnect! Hit up a B and B and a massage!" etc.

 

After you've had your time to reconnect, or if she won't go, you can let her know:

 

"I really love you. I miss feeling connected with you. I appreciate all the work you're doing as a mom and for the family.

 

It's hard to be around you and not have your touch and affection. I love being with you and the past few months have been REALLY difficult for me, going without your love and attention.

 

"I didn't want to say anything because I saw you were not feeling well and that you were working so hard- I need to speak up more, because it got to the point for me where I felt so empty/unloved that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hold back if another woman showed me some affection.

 

I felt so bad that I was thinking about separating. I felt very unloved and neglected.

 

I should have spoken up about it. I want you to feel appreciated and loved, and I want to feel appreciated and loved. Can we work to find ways so we are both happy?"

 

I am writing this conversation to demonstrate one way you can communicate your part in things while still letting her know your situation. This is the type of conversation I would try to have, YMMV. But whatever you do, I hope you are able to speak with your wife and get the kind of relationship you want. Chances are good that if you are feeling disconnected and discontent, she is too, and it seems like there still a lot of love underlying your relationship. I hope you both can bring it to the surface.

[Zapbasket]

Reuben: it is NOT loving behavior to withhold critical information from your wife.

 

It is NOT! She is able to parent and hold a full time job- you are not describing someone who sounds so ill that they will collapse to hear that their marriage needs work, that the partner also needs some love and attention.

 

I would consider the fact that her partner, the father of her children, feels so neglected and overwhelmed that 1. you are afraid you are vulnerable to an affair and most importantly 2. you are actually weighing the pros and cons of leaving.

 

This is CRITICAL information!!!

 

Have you heard the saying, Each spouse is responsible for 50% of the state of the marriage?

 

This is YOUR 50%!

 

It really has nothing to do with your wife. It is YOUR issue of not wanting to speak up, not telling your partner your truth, YOUR SOP to just "wait it out".

 

It is not fair to blame your wife for not being a mindreader.

 

She sounds like she IS preoccupied with work, being a mom, trying to take care of her illness. This sounds like a perfectly normal thing to me- she is probably trying to do her best with her tasks. It sucks that you are way donw on the priority list, but she might think that you, as a functional adult, are doing OK with things. Especially since you two have discussed that her working hours are temporary and she IS making attempts to improve them.

 

You don't have to be confrontational. Why not say something like, "I love you, you are awesome, you are doing a great job as Mom, and taking on this new position for work! Lets get out for an evening/weekend and have some Husband and Wife time and get close and celebrate! I have missed being with you, let's take some time to reconnect! Hit up a B and B and a massage!" etc.

 

After you've had your time to reconnect, or if she won't go, you can let her know:

 

"I really love you. I miss feeling connected with you. I appreciate all the work you're doing as a mom and for the family.

 

It's hard to be around you and not have your touch and affection. I love being with you and the past few months have been REALLY difficult for me, going without your love and attention.

 

"I didn't want to say anything because I saw you were not feeling well and that you were working so hard- I need to speak up more, because it got to the point for me where I felt so empty/unloved that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hold back if another woman showed me some affection.

 

I felt so bad that I was thinking about separating. I felt very unloved and neglected.

 

I should have spoken up about it. I want you to feel appreciated and loved, and I want to feel appreciated and loved. Can we work to find ways so we are both happy?"

 

I am writing this conversation to demonstrate one way you can communicate your part in things while still letting her know your situation. This is the type of conversation I would try to have, YMMV. But whatever you do, I hope you are able to speak with your wife and get the kind of relationship you want. Chances are good that if you are feeling disconnected and discontent, she is too, and it seems like there still a lot of love underlying your relationship. I hope you both can bring it to the surface.

 

I wish there were a "Like" button for posts on here. Big thumbs up to Knitwit's post, above.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

I've not updated this thread in awhile, but there have been some rather significant recent changes between my wife and I.

 

We're separating, at least for now.

 

We had a discussion Friday night, it started out mildly hostile, but turned rather matter of fact quickly and ended I would say very amicably.

 

I complained about lack of sex, about lack of intimacy, about sleeping on the couch and she agreed that it was absurd. She said I might be better served if we had an open relationship and said she would not blame me in the least. She said she just can't bring herself to think about sex or intimacy right now in her condition or with her work and suggested maybe I find my own place - at least for now.

 

We're in the process of looking for an apartment in our immediate neighborhood now, but if we don't find one in our price range, I may move into a rental we own on the other side of town. If we find one in our neighborhood, I could be out sooner. If not, I will move into a rental we already own on the other side of town when it opens in January.

 

My wife knows this town better than me since it's her hometown. She said I wouldn't want to live in the rental we own. It's not in the best neighborhood and it's about five miles/20 minutes away from where we currently live. She said it would be a pain in the neck for me to visit and see the kids everyday.

 

I should note, we both said it would be temporary. She would get better, work would be more manageable. I would get my kicks and in a few weeks or months I'd be back like before. Is this naive? I know she says she's okay with me seeing someone else on the side, but part of me says she'll be at least uncomfortable if and when I do see someone else. Who knows - maybe she won't care like she said.

 

I told her she's more than welcome to see others, but she said she's not even interested at this point.

 

Still haven't told the kids and not sure how we will just yet, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

I know when there's serious talk of separation there should be fireworks and great hostility, but there really isn't between us right now. If anything we had a more pleasureable weekend than we have in months.

Edited November 6, 2011 by Reuben Kinkaid