Playing a head game...with myself.....and losing

[Bruised Not Broken]

So, I did the begging...I did the pleading...I did the "let's be friends" and realized I couldn't be his friend...it hurt. Went NC for a few measly days...and fell off the horse. And he contacts me back...he's friendly as can be. clearly life is wonderful without me. So...while I didn't mean to...at least consciously...I end up letting it slip that I was starting to date. And he said he was happy for me (but did make a comment about him assuming 'seeing someone' meant casual sex and I should be careful. When I said No, that's not what it mean, he said "I dont' believe you" ) while we are having this discussion (via email) I get a call from a private number...and it's the new guys WIFE that I had started dating....Imagine my surprise ---I didn't have a clue he was married. I felt bad for her...we had a lovely talk..and I just deleted him from my phone. ONly a few dates - and honestly, I really didn't want it to go farther...I'm not ready it was merely a distraction from my heart ache...so no big loss. She said he had a very bad habit of pretending to be single. Counting my blessings I didn't get sucked in any further. SO, I ended up telling him about it...I think more because I was just in such shock and it rolled out. And he was sweet....said I deserve better than that..blah blah blah. Again, he's fine without me. He didn't even flinch that I was dating.

So, I realized my head game. I am trying to make him jealous! (I'm a little slow I am sure you probably figured that out a few sentences ago And...I lost. Because he really didn't care. Boy did that hurt. So my final email said "well, thank you for listening to my probs. Guess we have come a really long way in a few months. I still dont' think I'm ready to be your friend, but you showed me you certainly are mine...and that meant a lot" And...can you believe the F'er didn't even bother to respond. I mean..WTF????????? He is just such a complete psychological torturer. I swear he just likes to hurt me. He sees me tying the noose around my neck and he stands by the chair waiting to kick it out from under me. I know it's not his fault...I set myself up. But good lord....cut a girl some slack!!!

Guess I need to cut myself some slack and LET GO COMPLETELY. He's not coming back. No matter how many times I talk to him...no matter how many emails...no matter how "over him" I think or pretend to be...He is GONE for good. Acceptance is key...and I lost my key ring.

Edited September 26, 2011 by Bruised Not Broken

[Kageytn]

I am horrible at No Contact but gradually getting better. It takes 30 days to develop a habit and to break a habit. He is a habit.

 

You can not talk to him. At all. No emails, no phone, no texting. Everytime you feel the urge, think about the way you feel when you do. Out of control-weak-pitiful.

 

Think it of like this-you guys are on a see-saw and he has you trapped on the top whenever you talk to him. He has your power. Get your power back! Take it back by not talking to him and leave the see-saw. F him.

 

I was trying to do NC by days but my wise mother said to break it down-do it by hours, fifteen minutes, whatever it takes.

 

Don't be his mouse. Don't let him toy with you. He can not torture you if you walk away.

 

I use this weird imagery thing with us on either side of a door. Don't open the door. Don't, don't, don't.

[Bruised Not Broken]

Don't be his mouse. Don't let him toy with you. He can not torture you if you walk away.

 

I use this weird imagery thing with us on either side of a door. Don't open the door. Don't, don't, don't.

 

I'm going to try that imagery. I'm going to keep the door shut for the next 15 min...and then 15 min after that. I'm gonna take back my power. THANK YOU.

[Thieves]

He's not coming back. No matter how many times I talk to him...no matter how many emails...no matter how "over him" I think or pretend to be...He is GONE for good. Acceptance is key...and I lost my key ring.

 

Well, since you mentioned acceptance being 'key', I like to think of this way. We all go through break-ups and end up getting hurt by the ones we love. The whole time, you go through the process of trying to find acceptance. After the break up happens, you are given a key. The key in your hand is literally acceptance, but there are hundreds of locked doors in front of you. And the trick is, they're all labeled with the word 'Acceptance'. Only one of the doors actually unlocks and opens into a new chapter of your life.

 

So for months, we all go through trying to process the break-up and trying out different doors... different ways to heal... to see which one works. Some people try head games (which is a door that leads to another wrong door, to another...), some people try jealousy (nope - wrong door again), some try anger. Some people try drugs, wrong door, and drops you into a giant hole hard to get out of. Some try revenge, jumping out of planes, some try other people... which is a door that opens, but often leads to an empty room.

 

So we're all just stumbling around in the dark, trying to get the damn key in our hand to unlock that one stupid special door. Sometimes people even give up and just throw away the key. Some people try other keys. Until after a while, we find that next someone special, or we jump out of a plane, travel, or read a book that makes everything make sense, and we finally try that one right door that surprisingly unlocks when we least expect it.

 

So it takes time, B'N'B. Don't give up just yet. Just imagine how good it'll feel when you finally ARE free of him and can truly move on. No looking back after that!

[Bruised Not Broken]

Well, since you mentioned acceptance being 'key', I like to think of this way. We all go through break-ups and end up getting hurt by the ones we love. The whole time, you go through the process of trying to find acceptance. After the break up happens, you are given a key. The key in your hand is literally acceptance, but there are hundreds of locked doors in front of you. And the trick is, they're all labeled with the word 'Acceptance'. Only one of the doors actually unlocks and opens into a new chapter of your life.

 

So for months, we all go through trying to process the break-up and trying out different doors... different ways to heal... to see which one works. Some people try head games (which is a door that leads to another wrong door, to another...), some people try jealousy (nope - wrong door again), some try anger. Some people try drugs, wrong door, and drops you into a giant hole hard to get out of. Some try revenge, jumping out of planes, some try other people... which is a door that opens, but often leads to an empty room.

 

So we're all just stumbling around in the dark, trying to get the damn key in our hand to unlock that one stupid special door. Sometimes people even give up and just throw away the key. Some people try other keys. Until after a while, we find that next someone special, or we jump out of a plane, travel, or read a book that makes everything make sense, and we finally try that one right door that surprisingly unlocks when we least expect it.

 

So it takes time, B'N'B. Don't give up just yet. Just imagine how good it'll feel when you finally ARE free of him and can truly move on. No looking back after that!

 

In a word....AWESOME. Thank you Thieves. You are quite wise. I've been through all those other doors...I hope I find that right door soon. But yes, it will feel good when I find it.