Became an unhappy doormat and lost the love of my life.

[TheGrimSweeper]

I don't know where to begin with this and I need to vent. I am so upset and mad at myself for allowing me to become the thing and the person I hate.

 

I just lost the girl of my dreams.

 

I was with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years. When we first met I was the most confident and cheery guy in the world. She loved hanging out with me and always wanted too. eventually feelings grew i asked her out and we dated for 1 year and 4 months. She broke up with me partly due to GIGS (which she has never fully gotten over) and the fact that I did not care as much as I should have.

 

We got back together after I started getting over her 2 months later and she said she made a mistake and wanted me back everything was great for awhile. But the problem was I developed this fear of losing her now.

 

She was the first girl I ever truly loved (she felt the same for me) and I have always ever since the first breakup had this fear of losing her over me which has made me act differently around her. Essentially I gave her my happiness on a plate and completely started valuing her more then myself.

 

She had told me last year that I lost my backbone and was getting unattracted to me, which I knew I was doing but couldn't stop. It just kept hanging on me that fear of losing her and that I wouldn't be happy unless we were together. Recipes too unattraction. We split up again, then we got back 4 months later after I was halfway to being over her but not fully and had my confident self back.

 

We just broke up again, and this time it looks like its for good.

 

That same fear of losing her again kicked in over the past 2 months and my personality toward her changed again, I wasn't myself. She told me she doesn't find me attractive, that I don't talk to her, challenge her or be opinionated. That we've grown into different people and we need to date other people.She also pointed out she's not coming back this time.

 

The sad part is, I knew all of this was true while I was doing it but it still kept happening and I am so mad at myself for being like this. I've completely put all my happiness into this girl and am now paying for it. I lost my confidence and everything. I was never like this before and you have no idea how mad I am at myself for become like this.

 

I'd be lieing if I said I don't want this girl back, I do, but I want myself back first. I'm just so so down cause I think ive made it past the point of no return. This all happened last night, so as you can imagine I am a complete wreck right now.

Edited September 26, 2011 by TheGrimSweeper

[silly_panda]

Sorry to hear this man... But I guess you already know what to do... You said it yourself... You wanna get yourself back first... That's exactly what you are going to do...

 

In getting her back... Let's leave it up to faith... Get your confidence back first man... That's what attract girls the most... I know how you feel rite now... Hang in there man...

[Lucio]

hey i'm a doormat too!

or i was a doormat.

 

now i'm trying to be a doormat with pins for a start.

 

let's work hard!

[wilsonx]

Is she or was she ever a cutter or have any destructive habbits? Was she hurt in the past?

Edited September 26, 2011 by wilsonx

[TheGrimSweeper]

Is she or was she ever a cutter or have any destructive habbits? Was she hurt in the past?

 

She was years back yea. She's had big big problems with her parents. her parents almost divorced when she was 5, her dad cheated on her mom and it stuck with her. Last year her parents went through the separation and divorce again and needless to say it left her a mess.

 

She told me last night she just wants to just run away from everything, move to Australia and doesn't know if she'll ever come back. She's told me that I will never understand cause I come from a really stable and loving family, whereas hers is the complete opposite.

 

Its pretty heartbreaking hearing all of it, and just how fast she ran out of love with me. Less then two months ago it was saying she loved me and wanted to marry me. Now its, "I don't find you attractive anymore and were not right for each other".

 

She's told me before, not recently but a few months back things like she doesn't understand how I could ever love her and that she's afraid to fall in love. She went to a friends wedding a few weeks ago and said it terrified her.

Edited September 26, 2011 by TheGrimSweeper

[wilsonx]

Notice how I took your story and asked you a simple question based on what she said and what you have become.

 

She told you the truth, you don't understand because you came from a stable family. These type of people run instead of facing problems. There is nothing you can do but let them run and work on rebuilding yourself.

 

Another key thing that tipped me off was this "She broke up with me partly due to GIGS (which she has never fully gotten over) and the fact that I did not care as much as I should have."

 

What I bolded is a huge indicator of what type of person you were dealing with. People that come from troubled pasts like your ex are HUGE emotional drains. You just got all the emotional energy sucked out of you and there was nothing left.

 

The relationship ending is not your fault at all and you need to change your paradigm of thinking on this. You could be superman/casa nova and this same outcome would most likely have occurred. You even came to the realization that you were not being yourself the second time around. You were "Walking on eggshells" trying to do everything to save the relationship instead of just cutting that string and ending it.

 

This is also a great learning lesson. When you feel like you have lost that drive in life while in a relationship like this again, you have the responsibility to yourself to take a step back and ask yourself, is this really going to work, if not cut the string and just walk away. If you can make it work then make it work but you have to make sure you are both mentally and physically capable of yourself first. You said yourself you lost yourself, you kept working on her happiness and not yours. Trust me a woman will respect you if you always put yourself first, even if it hurts their feelings, they will respect your honesty about a situation

[TheGrimSweeper]

I did walk on eggshells, I tried so hard to do everything to make it work but nothing was ever good enough for her.

 

She always seems to find flaws in everything and when she does, she pushes them away and makes up reasons later when it ends. She pretty much blamed everything on me for the relationship and any fight or argument we had was always blamed on me.

 

She says we don't have fun with each other when were alone together which is complete BS, we used too all the time it only stopped being fun when she started pushing me away and wouldn't allow us have to fun.

 

I just feel like the last 2.5 years with her has slowly drained the life out of me, I look back at how I was before and when we first started dating and I want to get back there.

[ludovico]

grimsweeper - i feel your pain... i was with my ex for over 5 years and it was the same stuff - walking on eggshells, her pushing me away but blaming me, never felt like i was good enough, i literally had no sense of identity after she was through with me...

 

listen to wilsonx - the man is wise!

 

as for your healing - do just that... heal, learn, it won't be an easy process back to restore yourself but you can do it - take it one day at a time and know that one day you will be your old self again - actually, you'll be better than your old self

[wilsonx]

Then get there... a relationship ending is not ever one person's fault except in the case of dishonesty and cheating. Even after the relationship the other person should be able to see what reasons allowed themselves to be with that type of person and stay with them. This takes time to see but if you give yourself time and reflect on it, you will see it. Whether it be low selfesteem, no confidence that you could get someone better, abuse in your own past. Do what it takes to fix this before you venture out into the world of relationships again.

 

For me, I do not want to be in a relationship with someone as broken as my ex or your ex again and I will not do it. When you get a few months out, you should start looking inwards and see do I really want to go through this again. People say everyone is different, but we are all creatures of habit affected by our environment. There are patterns that people follow and here is one of them. We can choose to continue in that same environment or venture out into something different that could only be a step up from this.

 

Go out find what makes you happy with your life again. Start living for you and always challenge yourself. And for the record you did not lose 2.5 years, you gained a lot of experience and knowledge. Do you think I became who I am and able to show people this if I hadn't been through it or seen it in my friends lives. I just really pay attention because I am always trying to better myself

Edited September 26, 2011 by wilsonx

[betterdeal]

I was with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years. When we first met I was the most confident and cheery guy in the world. She loved hanging out with me and always wanted too. eventually feelings grew i asked her out and we dated for 1 year and 4 months. She broke up with me partly due to GIGS (which she has never fully gotten over) and the fact that I did not care as much as I should have she wanted me to.

 

See how a little editing can change the perspective?

 

You were miserable because you were trying to be someone you are not. Well, now you can be who you are and the miserableness will decline accordingly. Be you.

Edited September 26, 2011 by betterdeal

[M2155]

Notice how I took your story and asked you a simple question based on what she said and what you have become.

 

Wow, that's really impressive wilsonx!

 

Thegrimsweeper I think I got more like you in my relationship and probably not wanting to push the guy away was at the root of it. Unlike you, I didn't know it until I started reading about attraction and learning more about relationship dynamics. We have to learn to not lose ourselves in a relationship too. You will learn so much for next time, and there will be a next time.

[betterdeal]

That same fear of losing her again kicked in over the past 2 months and my personality toward her changed again

 

There are two probable underlying reasons for that fear: one is that you believe she is fickle and likely to end things; the other is that you don't like her. Depression is, some say, anger turned inwards. You're now expressing your anger openly but still at you. When you direct it at the right target you can let it go. My guess is she is what you are angry at. Now that doesn't mean you need to *do* anything to her to express your anger. You just have to acknowledge it, feel it, experience it and it will pass.

 

You also say "it looks like" it's over for good this time. Why not try something different this time and decide that it's over this time? Take control of your own life.

[EgoJoe]

@ Betterdeal:

 

Depression isn't always anger turned inwards but the most devastating depression is. I started hitting the punching bag when I got sad months ago and would then feel overwhelmed with rage for alot of reasons that need not be mentioned as I'm working on it.

 

I am posting to say that is a very astute and often times correct observation!

[wilsonx]

Depression is anger thats turned inwards. If you have anger and do nothing about it and let it continue to build and build and build you will eventually reach the point called depression.

 

Anxiety turned inwards and not dealt causes impulsiveness. Once you have so much anxiety turned inward, you trigger the human fight or flight response which the fighting aspect of it is rage

[TheGrimSweeper]

Depression is anger thats turned inwards. If you have anger and do nothing about it and let it continue to build and build and build you will eventually reach the point called depression.

 

Anxiety turned inwards and not dealt causes impulsiveness. Once you have so much anxiety turned inward, you trigger the human fight or flight response which the fighting aspect of it is rage

 

I should mention my ex was having anxiety attacks a bunch a few weeks ago. She would tell me she was, then when I asked about what, all she would say is "life" then would refuse to talk about it anymore.

 

Im stuck in the case of what if's now.. What if I wasn't such a doormat, what if I did this etc and its making me feel terrible. In the end it probably would of ended anyway, she's no where near ready for a serious relationship.

[wilsonx]

Ahhh the "what ifs"

 

I still get them and its been about 4 months now but few and far between.

 

Just keep telling yourself, there is nothing you could have done. Its true. There is nothing you could have done.

 

If she did not communicate her problems and was slightly self centered in an interdependent relationship, thats her fault not yours.

 

Just keep telling yourself that you did everything possible to make it work but she did not want to make it work.

[betterdeal]

Im stuck in the case of what if's now.. What if I wasn't such a doormat, what if I did this etc and its making me feel terrible. In the end it probably would of ended anyway, she's no where near ready for a serious relationship.

 

It would have ended sooner, guaranteed. Replay it a million times and make one small change each time and you'll end up at a new dead end, a moment when you thought "that's it. I've had enough."

 

Your doormat behaviour was to preserve the relationship. Occasionally, very occasionally, lying back and playing dead is okay, for exceptional circumstances. But all the time, most of the time, quite often even? That wears you down. It saps your soul.

 

Do you feel any sense of relief right now?

[ludovico]

great advice in this thread!!

[radiodarcy]

grimsweeper - i feel your pain... i was with my ex for over 5 years and it was the same stuff - walking on eggshells, her pushing me away but blaming me, never felt like i was good enough, i literally had no sense of identity after she was through with me...

 

listen to wilsonx - the man is wise!

 

as for your healing - do just that... heal, learn, it won't be an easy process back to restore yourself but you can do it - take it one day at a time and know that one day you will be your old self again - actually, you'll be better than your old self

 

this is so true! Ludovico i was in the same situation as you were. the ex came from a physically/emotionally abusive background. his mother was quite possibly bi-polar and to top it all off he was still living with her and taking her verbal abuse (she would tell him he was failure, no good, etc) and he was in his mid-30's.

 

so of course, he turned his resentment towards me. he was always making me feel as though i wasn't good enough. my interests were boring. my taste in clothes/music sucked; my pets were a waste of time. mind you these were all aspects that he had said attracted him to me in the first place.

 

it's my belief that people who treat others this way aren't happy with themselves. and that it really has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them.

 

i am now 7 months into NC and i am back to my old self and have gained a greater appreciation for all those things that he made me hate about myself. but more importantly, i've re-built a wiser sense of Self than i had before which has given me some much needed self-esteem.

 

it didn't happen overnight and there are still moments when i get teary eyed. but i am much MUCH better off now than i was when i was with him.

[TheGrimSweeper]

Thanks for the advice guys, all of it is helping.

 

Does anyone else find this completely unfair?

 

When she started getting distant I let it go for a bit, cause she had just started a new job and was really busy. Then it continued so I asked her what was up, and she said everything was fine.

 

this kept going on, so I sat her and talked to her again and she said everything was fine. She just refused to say anything was wrong all the while acting completely uninterested in me. I tried to plan date nights, bought us a cooking class to go too that would be fun and she was completely indifferent too it.

 

When she broke up with me, part of the reason she said was because I never did anything while this was going on, she was waiting for me to act on it. Then she would say things how I never got excited or support her? clearly I had but she never does either for me.

 

Its like she turned everything that she didnt do for me the other way around. Oh, as she broke up with me and wanted to be friends, she then said she'd like too still do the cooking class with me. That was the kicker.

[TheDovic]

You should really think about going to OR learning Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This can be learned in a book and will teach you to challenge fears like this and help you see things rationally. EXTREMELY high success rate for people with this type of anxiety!

 

I'm using it at the moment for depression and have to say it's really starting to help after just three sessions

 

http://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-Anxiety-Step-/dp/1572245727/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317149769&sr=8-1

[radiodarcy]

Thanks for the advice guys, all of it is helping.

 

Does anyone else find this completely unfair?

 

When she started getting distant I let it go for a bit, cause she had just started a new job and was really busy. Then it continued so I asked her what was up, and she said everything was fine.

 

this kept going on, so I sat her and talked to her again and she said everything was fine. She just refused to say anything was wrong all the while acting completely uninterested in me. I tried to plan date nights, bought us a cooking class to go too that would be fun and she was completely indifferent too it.

 

When she broke up with me, part of the reason she said was because I never did anything while this was going on, she was waiting for me to act on it. Then she would say things how I never got excited or support her? clearly I had but she never does either for me.

 

Its like she turned everything that she didnt do for me the other way around. Oh, as she broke up with me and wanted to be friends, she then said she'd like too still do the cooking class with me. That was the kicker.

 

ahhh the mixed signals! also known as push/pull. my ex used to do this all the time. no it is not fair at all.

 

but as Wilson has already stated you are dealing with an emotionally unhealthy person. so there is no way you can expect her to realize this and even if she does she will do nothing about it.

 

by getting you to cater to her erratic needs, she doesn't have to make any decisions for herself. it's also her way of keeping you hooked in so she still has control over the situation. she's got you so pre-occupied with fulfilling her needs, you have forgotten you own.

 

this is why you are the one who will have to do the work to disengage. she won't do it; because it's not to her benefit to do so.

 

and while it's not fair you will definitely be in better place than you are now.

[TheGrimSweeper]

You should really think about going to OR learning Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This can be learned in a book and will teach you to challenge fears like this and help you see things rationally. EXTREMELY high success rate for people with this type of anxiety!

 

I'm using it at the moment for depression and have to say it's really starting to help after just three sessions

 

http://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-Anxiety-Step-/dp/1572245727/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317149769&sr=8-1

 

Do you mean for me or for her? I don't get anxious or depressed very much, but when a girl I love ended it with me its kind of expected.

 

I know I can get myself back up to where I was, its just a long road.

[Rorschach64]

Grim,

 

I have been going through practically the same thing as you, plus/minus my ex-fiancee being completely abusive naracisst during the break up and there being another man in her scope before the break up/break.

 

I did the same exact thing you did when I was with my ex-f, I lost myself and I totally reconfigured myself to appease her, trying to figure a way to therapy her up, basically thinking I was the perfect finace and did nothing wrong but I am only recognizing now that I did do something wrong and manning up to it thanks to this thread and its posters, so thank you.

 

In conclusion, I am coming on 4 months NC, minus a letter I sent her, and finally coming to this realization has helped me feel better about it plus in truth I feel if she ever did come back that I would not be a pathetic worm but a confident man!

 

Good luck Grim and just let it go and recognize what you did but also I think it was unfair of her to not confront the issue when it became an issue! Go NC and don't be her doormat anymore! It is so much better.

[betterdeal]

Thanks for the advice guys, all of it is helping.

 

Does anyone else find this completely unfair?

 

When she started getting distant I let it go for a bit, cause she had just started a new job and was really busy. Then it continued so I asked her what was up, and she said everything was fine.

 

this kept going on, so I sat her and talked to her again and she said everything was fine. She just refused to say anything was wrong all the while acting completely uninterested in me. I tried to plan date nights, bought us a cooking class to go too that would be fun and she was completely indifferent too it.

 

When she broke up with me, part of the reason she said was because I never did anything while this was going on, she was waiting for me to act on it. Then she would say things how I never got excited or support her? clearly I had but she never does either for me.

 

Its like she turned everything that she didnt do for me the other way around. Oh, as she broke up with me and wanted to be friends, she then said she'd like too still do the cooking class with me. That was the kicker.

 

It's not so much unfair as it is impossible. Here's the deal: inside she is a very scared and upset person. She looked to you as a role model and, to begin with, that worked. You liked it because she reflected the very best qualities in you and some more of her own when she was confident enough to share with you.

 

But, here's the nub of the problem: it's exhausting producing all the positive energy for two people, and she simply does not have enough of it to ride through the rough patches, the ups and downs that are life. If a friend slips on some ice, you give them a hand up, fine. If you keep doing it over and over, you end up exhausted, and soon you start slipping up. Now you're asking for a hand up. You've been dragged down.

 

It takes a lot of people a lot of time to assist someone so hurt to heal. What she's saying is nonsense. It really is. It hurts you so much because you gave your all and somehow that makes you the bad guy. You made mistakes, sure you did. We all do. But, really, the big picture is you guys connected, it didn't work out and you split up.

 

She wants to confide in you because she trusts you. But, right now, you are precisely the wrong person for her to do that with, and vice versa. We all say strange, nonsensical things when we're overwhelmed with emotions. The best people to say them to are friends, family, therapists - anyone you trust as good counsel: someone disinterested but not uninterested. Certainly not the person with whom your feelings are conflicted over.

 

Take your time. Process the feelings you have. You're a decent guy. The sun will always rise and you will feel better. Eat well. If you have problems sleeping, see your GP about sleeping tablets. Sleep is incredibly important for you to process thoughts and feelings. Say good affirmations to yourself every day. It's weird, but it works. Saying "I love me" and such like 5 times a day does help you feel better.