.... wife tells husband to find GF

[DesertSunshine]

I am in involved with a MM for 3 months now whose wife told him to seek intimacy with another. He says his wife is a very unselfish person and wants him to have an affair as she can't perform sex anymore because it is too painful for her, due to her chronic pain that anything she does, hurts which she has been suffering everyday for the last 2 yrs.

 

I was told by him he has never been involved with anyone before due to his marriage with his wife of 20 yrs and they have always been happy.....until now.

 

I asked him then why are you "out here seeking, when you should be with your wife, supporting her, be by her side for "better/worse as your marriage vows should be taken" He tells me he misses the romance and intimate moments between two people but still does love his wife and will never leave her.

 

May be contradicting, but he is such a gentleman in every aspect. Chivalry definitely is not dead regarding him and here I am thinking this can't be possible and not fair to his wife.

 

He tells me he has promised his wife he "would not fall in love", "will always come home" or "never bring her to the house".

 

When we do get the chance to spend time together, from dinners, outings, dancing or even just sit and talk about our lives and where we want to be, he indicated alot of things of which he has experienced with me hasn't experienced with his wife.

 

This is where it confuses me. He said he is happy with his wife and she used to be very active. So, wouldn't you think experiencing the new things with me is the same of what you had with your wife when she was active? Just because she isn't able to the last 2 yrs doesn't mean you can cut the 20 or so years of your marriage out of the picture when you were both doing things together. Right?

 

Then he says he wants to travel too and see the world, like I had expressed to him. He says his wife doesn't like to fly or go places and do things. I thought again to myself, wait .. didn't you say she went places with you. He said they did alot before her pain. So, why then indicate that you haven't experienced with your wife? I asked him of these and he says to me, this was all until the pain took over his wife's everyday being.

 

Sometimes, I think to myself, maybe its best for me to leave and let be but then there is another side of my mind ... he is such a wonderful person and can understand why he has been happily married to his wife. He makes me feel like a woman again, respected...? (I don't know if being involved with a MM is considered so), emotionally supported, he listens to me, offers advice and have been there during my bad days.

 

He says he wants us to be together for a "very long time". He wants me in his life ... except he tells me now that he "has fallen in love" with me. I told him that can't happen as that is a promise he made to his wife. He says he can control the emotion. I don't get it. How is that possible? Is it possible?

 

I too, have fallen for him, unbelievable as it may be in the short of time we have met..... but have tried to slowly pull away and trying to make sense of all this.

 

Not sure where I should go from here ......so confused I am not sure I am making sense.

[stillafool]

Well you could always ask him if his wife feels that way maybe she could tell you this face to fact or via telephone that she is perfectly alright with your relationship. She knows right?

 

A better question would be why you would want to be his "fill in" instead of finding a relationship with a man you can call your own?

[whichwayisup]

Run. This situation and this man is going to break your heart. Whether he loves you or not is NOT the issue here. He isn't going to leave and divorce his wife.

 

If it's JUST an affair, a casual thing, sex and stuff, that's one thing, but you are falling for him and he (so he says, yet at the same time told his wife he wouldn't fall for someone else) is contradicting himself. This is a huge red flag.

 

Good that you see that he DID have a life with his wife not too long ago.

 

Question. How do you know his wife is truly ill? All you have is his word on this. Some MM pull out incredible lies and fabricate stories to suit them best.

 

He says he wants us to be together for a "very long time". He wants me in his life ... except he tells me now that he "has fallen in love" with me. I told him that can't happen as that is a promise he made to his wife. He says he can control the emotion. I don't get it. How is that possible? Is it possible?

 

Do you see how selfish that is and sure, it's great for him! He's got TWO women to meet his needs, stay married and live 'life' with his wife, don't lose out on family or lifestyle, yet then he has you for fun on the side yet with NO committment. YOU get the short end of the stick! You'll never "have" him at Christmas, birthdays, holidays, vacations, times when you're sick and need someone around.. It'll be on HIS terms and time frame. You'll never have a life with him, a child, a family, a house.. i assume you want all that? You'll never get that from him.

 

Take time to think this through, ask yourself if you truly want this affair. Love isn't enough and you are going to have a lot of pain the longer you stay.

[jwi71]

This is not likely to end well.

 

One, how do you know his W is ok with this? WS are known to pull some elaborate lies. In short, I would doubt anything not coming from the W's mouth. And given all you say, yay should be easy. Just invite his W to lunch and ask if this is try ok. She won't be offended because, let's face it, it's an odd situation with an even odder "ok" to date others. I'm sure she'll understand your questions.

 

And if it happens to be true, you will end up in tears. He won't leave his W and you'll be on the outside looking in. For instance, will you be there for the holidays? Or will he spend it at home with her and their family?

 

Basically, because of this arrangement, provided it's true, you are little more than a sex toy because his W is incapable. Is that what you want for yourself long term?

 

Personally, I suggest walking.

 

As for his wishes and fantasies he tells you, it's infatuation. An escape from the norm combined with the hormonal rush being with you provides. After all, he won't leave. I just think you are selling yourself short.

 

Your life and your choice though.

[country_gurl]

He says he wants us to be together for a "very long time". He wants me in his life ... except he tells me now that he "has fallen in love" with me. I told him that can't happen as that is a promise he made to his wife. He says he can control the emotion..

 

So are you willing to be someone's mistress for many years? He's made it clear that he won't be leaving his wife so the only real 'future' you would have with him is to be his convenient little 'side-dish.' What a great deal for him.

 

I'm curious, HOW did you meet him?

 

Like others, I think he is totally full of shyte about his wife's situation here. And you would be foolish to believe it, seriously. Married men will make up all kinds of stories to help make their lover feel that what they are doing is not "wrong" and that he's just a poor guy who's simply reaching out to find what he's so wrongly been missing. What a crock.

 

What does he claim is the condition that his wife has that causes her to have such chronic and debilitating pain? Surely he's told you the name of this condition / surely you've asked?

 

Does he claim that his wife knows about you?

 

I think it's a complete LIE for him to claim that he's experiencing things with you that he's never experienced with her. Come on now, does that even make sense? He's been married to her for 20 years and it's only allegedly been the last 2 years that she's been afflicted with chronic pain so you mean to tell me they never went dancing/out to dinner/on outings in the prior 18 years? Doesn't that sound like a total crock to you?

 

Do they have children? If so, what ages are they?

 

Now regardless of whether he's lying or not (and I'd be willing to bet the farm that he is), what kind of real future do you see with a man who has you "on the side"? Don't you ever want to be married to the man you love? Don't you ever want to live with the man that you love? Perhaps have children? Build a future together? Share important holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving together? Go on extended vacations together? Have him introduce you to his FAMILY and FRIENDS?...........or do you want to remain his dirty little secret?

[MissBee]

Hi Desert,

 

When you two met, what were the terms of your relationship? If you don't m,nd sharing, how did you meet and were the things you've shared with us discussed upfront?

 

This is a different situation than what normally happens. IMO, it is not an affair, as the wife has given permission for him to seek a girlfriend for "intimate purposes". It is a mutual agreement between the two of them.

 

From what you are saying,obviously he has told you he is not interested in leaving the wife, he loves her, he just misses intimacy and that is what you are there for. In agreeing to date him, what were your hopes?

 

I need a little bit more elaboration as from my experience with an A and some other As I have heard of, a lot of times there is no explicit agreement, the wife is not in the know and there is more ambiguity and hope of a full time future with the AP. I imagine someone telling you their situation and you agreeing to the terms is a bit different...and I am curious about how those terms were explained and why did you agree to them and what has changed now why you're here/have a problem?

[kareena]

Run. This situation and this man is going to break your heart. Whether he loves you or not is NOT the issue here. He isn't going to leave and divorce his wife.

 

If it's JUST an affair, a casual thing, sex and stuff, that's one thing, but you are falling for him and he (so he says, yet at the same time told his wife he wouldn't fall for someone else) is contradicting himself. This is a huge red flag.

 

Good that you see that he DID have a life with his wife not too long ago.

 

Question. How do you know his wife is truly ill? All you have is his word on this. Some MM pull out incredible lies and fabricate stories to suit them best.

 

 

 

Do you see how selfish that is and sure, it's great for him! He's got TWO women to meet his needs, stay married and live 'life' with his wife, don't lose out on family or lifestyle, yet then he has you for fun on the side yet with NO committment. YOU get the short end of the stick! You'll never "have" him at Christmas, birthdays, holidays, vacations, times when you're sick and need someone around.. It'll be on HIS terms and time frame. You'll never have a life with him, a child, a family, a house.. i assume you want all that? You'll never get that from him.

 

Take time to think this through, ask yourself if you truly want this affair. Love isn't enough and you are going to have a lot of pain the longer you stay.

 

Very well said WWIU!

I would pay attention to this is if were you..and trust me,the longer you stay the harder things will get.If you are at a point were you can still walk away with minimum damage,DO IT!

[spice4life]

Three words, "Follow your gut!" You are pickin up on inconsistencies with him and his answers are just not jiving with you. They sound rather convenient if you ask me. Listen to what your inner self is telling you.

[Circular]

This is one of those situations that seems really peculiar.

 

Thinking through this I can't seem to find a scenario that my W would agree to these terms. Yes, if she was in a lot of chronic pain, couldn't travel, had to stay home all the time, etc... she would most likely encourage me to find ways to augment my life through friendships, but I think in her head it would be men, not other women AND whatever women friends I might have as I do have a few she'd definitely want to know them and feel secure they were platonic.

 

What I find very counter intuitive is her giving the ok to be intimate but not to fall in love, that doesn't make sense whatsoever. I could see a rare circumstance that if my W couldn't have sex and it was a major issue in our M that she might give me the green light but to not tell her about it, but that to her would mean ONS type stuff not anything that would include a relationship, I would think that would be strictly kept between us.

 

Thing is, every couple is unique, I'm old enough now to see all the various dynamics that exist. Maybe she really said that and meant it, or maybe she said something kind of off the cuff but he interpreted it in his own way. If my W said "If you ever do anything with another woman I don't want to know about it" does that mean my wife is ok with me doing something with another woman? No... does it mean she really doesn't want to find out? No... For me it would mean she couldn't bear the pain of knowing.

[DesertSunshine]

Thank you for the responses....been thinking and trying to make some sense into this, as I am feeling why even waste my time with the situation of continuing this so called "relationship" with him. Trying to justify it doesn't help either. Sigh.

 

She has fibromyalgia. They don't even sleep together...so, he says.

 

I have not spoken with her. Never talked to her. I don't know her. They have 4 children. All graduated from College.

 

He says his wife had suggested the dating site for him. He tells me he is still in love with his wife and indicated he would not fall in love with whom he invovles himself with. IF that was the case, then why did he say he has with me? Strange. As WWIU said, it is contradicting.

 

I have given him the benefit of the doubt of the situation. I am not sure either if what he is telling me is the truth of his feelings, of his wife or of his situation, because he tells me his wife will never know, as she prefers not to know or wanting to know...which Circular indicated of perhaps causing her unneeded additional pain, right?

 

Between his work and his family, he tries to spend as much time as he can with me. Mid-day luncheons, after work hrs, travel days prior to him leaving or coming back giving it an xtra day to spend without his wife's knowledge.

 

He says they were an active couple prior to her pain. I am thinking, just because it was diagnosed recently, why turn your back on your wife that suddenly (if he that was the case), especially after 20 yrs of marriage?

 

Our agreement is just enjoy the moment for what it is. Nothing more, but now, little by little, things are coming out of the "woods" of certain indiscrepancies of which doesn't make sense to me or should I even care?

 

Gut instincts? I am thinking I must be a fool to be staying around and glutton for mental punishment.

 

He is such a wonderful guy. Sigh. It doesn't feel good to be the OW, but I enjoy being around him. We have so much in common of other things in life. We get along very well. We think alot alike. Same interests, well...except for the wife issue.

 

He treats his employees very well. Speaks volumes of how he conducts his business that he respects them too.

 

Frustration of my own doing, I guess.

[fooled once]

This is not likely to end well.

 

One, how do you know his W is ok with this? WS are known to pull some elaborate lies. In short, I would doubt anything not coming from the W's mouth. And given all you say, yay should be easy. Just invite his W to lunch and ask if this is try ok. She won't be offended because, let's face it, it's an odd situation with an even odder "ok" to date others. I'm sure she'll understand your questions.

 

And if it happens to be true, you will end up in tears. He won't leave his W and you'll be on the outside looking in. For instance, will you be there for the holidays? Or will he spend it at home with her and their family?

 

Basically, because of this arrangement, provided it's true, you are little more than a sex toy because his W is incapable. Is that what you want for yourself long term?

 

Personally, I suggest walking.

 

As for his wishes and fantasies he tells you, it's infatuation. An escape from the norm combined with the hormonal rush being with you provides. After all, he won't leave. I just think you are selling yourself short.

 

Your life and your choice though.

 

Ditto.

 

Can I ask the age difference between you and the MM?

 

I am betting he is at least 10 years older than you.

 

As for chronic pain; welcome to my life. I have lived with it for 3.5 years. And I can assure you, I would never tell my H to go have sex with someone else. Never. Even if I couldn't have sex with him, I would still not tell him to go find someone to have an orgasm with. So I find his story HIGHLY outrageous and I would encourage you to go ask his wife if she really feels this way.

 

He told you this story and you believe it.

 

But he did it in such a way that you don't think of him as the liar and cheat that he is; you see him as this poor horny guy whose wife unselfishly wants HIM to have HIS needs filled. HIM HIM HIM.... notice that? What about HER??

[CarrieT]

They don't even sleep together...so, he says.

I'm willing to bet that is a lie.

 

I have not spoken with her. Never talked to her. I don't know her.

Ask if you can speak with her to verify the story.

 

Between his work and his family, he tries to spend as much time as he can with me. Mid-day luncheons, after work hrs, travel days prior to him leaving or coming back giving it an xtra day to spend without his wife's knowledge.

Why? If it is with her knowledge and consent, why does he do something without her knowledge? Red flag, red flag, red flag.

 

Gut instincts? I am thinking I must be a fool to be staying around and glutton for mental punishment.

You are - you are going to fall deeper for him and make it harder and harder to leave.

 

He treats his employees very well. Speaks volumes of how he conducts his business that he respects them too.

Ummmmm... what the heck with how he runs his business have to do with his marital fidelity? Diddly.

 

I would put even-money down that his wife does NOT know any of this.

[country_gurl]

He says his wife had suggested the dating site for him.

 

Sorry but it just doesn't seem realistic to me that a wife is going to encourage her husband to find someone for sex/intimacy-only, on a dating site.

 

LET ME ASK.........what did his dating profile indicate his marital status to be? single / separated / married / divorced?

 

What did his dating profile indicate he was looking for; to date? relationship? intimate encounter only?

 

Did his profile contain a picture of himself?

 

Between his work and his family, he tries to spend as much time as he can with me. Mid-day luncheons, after work hrs, travel days prior to him leaving or coming back giving it an xtra day to spend without his wife's knowledge.

 

Ahhh, so essentially he's spending time with you in such a way that his wife wouldn't know (during lunch breaks) or could just attribute to his job (working late, traveling for work). Now if she was the one to encourage him to find a mistress because she was "so unselfish", why would he need to be hiding the time spent with you?

 

Sorry but I think the guy is a lying dirtbag.

 

A very large percentage of men on dating sites are married but looking for some fun on the side, with all sorts of ways to justify it.

 

I think this guy feels he's covered his proverbial a$$ here because he told you that although his wife allegedly gave him her blessing to find a mistress that he must "always come home." Give me a break. That is CLEARLY his bold-faced LIE to you to explain why he's unable to spend the night with you. He must think he is so slick, seriously.

[country_gurl]

And to add to the above.................do NOT think for one moment that you are his only side-dish. He is likely 'getting it on' with other women off this dating site which means he could be a walking STD. You should seriously get to your doctor and request a full STD screen that includes the bloodtest for HSV2 (genital herpes).

 

I fully suspect this a$$-hat has been working this schtick for some time now and you're not his first (or only) rodeo. Sorry to say it.

[jj33]

I can only echo what the others have said. Noone knows what the future will hold but there is already a huge imbalance in the relationship.

 

Assuming its true the fact that he is looking because his W told him to get a gf means that his primary bond is there not with you. This is a decision of convenience for them. It allows them to stay married while he gets his needs met. Im sure he cares for you but its really very generous of you to be willing to assist them in keeping their marriage together... because really that is what you are doing. you are filling in the gaps for them where she is no longer able to fulfill him.

 

Could it become more in the future? Anybodys guess but the odds are not good.

 

If I were you I would let someone else fill in their gaps you have your own life to lead

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for the responses....been thinking and trying to make some sense into this, as I am feeling why even waste my time with the situation of continuing this so called "relationship" with him. Trying to justify it doesn't help either. Sigh.

 

You have to not look at this as a 'relationship'. It isn't. It's an affair. To you it may be one, but to him, it's an affair. And you're right, justifying it isn't going to do you any good. Infact, it'll probably change your core values and who you are if you continue on..You'll lose who "you" are.

 

She has fibromyalgia. They don't even sleep together...so, he says.

Hmm, I know three women who have Fibro and they are still married and able to have some sort of intimacy with their husbands. And, they sleep in the same bed too.

 

I have not spoken with her. Never talked to her. I don't know her. They have 4 children. All graduated from College.

 

Do you think that he made up the "fibro' thing? I do. Especially since he was on a dating site. Me thinks he's made up this 'lie' and/or greatly exaggerated her symptoms if she does have fibro.

 

He says his wife had suggested the dating site for him. He tells me he is still in love with his wife and indicated he would not fall in love with whom he invovles himself with. IF that was the case, then why did he say he has with me? Strange. As WWIU said, it is contradicting.

 

He selfish, not selfless. BIG difference!

 

I have given him the benefit of the doubt of the situation. I am not sure either if what he is telling me is the truth of his feelings, of his wife or of his situation, because he tells me his wife will never know, as she prefers not to know or wanting to know...which Circular indicated of perhaps causing her unneeded additional pain, right?

 

He's lying. He has you trapped, his wife have given him a don't ask/don't tell pass, and you can't verify the truth from her, that she's OK with him seeing someone on the side. I'm telling you, he's lying. Your gut is telling you this but your heart and emotions won't let you believe it for real. If it's TOO good to be true, then it's not. You know this.

 

 

Between his work and his family, he tries to spend as much time as he can with me. Mid-day luncheons, after work hrs, travel days prior to him leaving or coming back giving it an xtra day to spend without his wife's knowledge.

See, he's sneaking around, which makes it an affair, not a relationship. It's hidden and he's LYING to her, betraying her.

 

He says they were an active couple prior to her pain. I am thinking, just because it was diagnosed recently, why turn your back on your wife that suddenly (if he that was the case), especially after 20 yrs of marriage?

 

Exactly. If she had cancer, would you still be having an affair with him?

 

Our agreement is just enjoy the moment for what it is. Nothing more, but now, little by little, things are coming out of the "woods" of certain indiscrepancies of which doesn't make sense to me or should I even care?

Your feelings for him are growing. End it now before you're in too deep.

 

Gut instincts? I am thinking I must be a fool to be staying around and glutton for mental punishment.

Yes, sadly you. You're chosing a man who is very much married and has already told you he will never leave his wife. So, you're doing this to yourself, asking to be hurt, asking to be lied to if you continue with him. You haven't invested 20 years with him!! You don't know him well at all. Walk away.

 

He is such a wonderful guy. Sigh. It doesn't feel good to be the OW, but I enjoy being around him. We have so much in common of other things in life. We get along very well. We think alot alike. Same interests, well...except for the wife issue.

 

He isn't a wonderful guy. If he was, he wouldn't be cheating on his wife. And he wouldn't be putting you in this position and being SELFISH.

 

So what if you have a lot in common with him. Find another man who is available. He is in NO position to be offering himself up!

 

He treats his employees very well. Speaks volumes of how he conducts his business that he respects them too.

 

And Priests are well respected and trusted in Churches.........

Teachers and other authority figures are respected.........

*Do you see where I'm going with this?*

 

 

Frustration of my own doing, I guess.

 

Sadly, yes. You choose this path, expect pain and heartache. Expect to fall for him deeper and lose who you are, only to see him on HIS time frame and his terms, not yours. Be ready to be alone on holidays, Christmas, vacations, Thanksgiving. He may be included in many parts of YOUR life, but you aren't in HIS. Ever.

[MissBee]

Well...whether or not he is lying or this peculiar tale is in fact the truth, the actual point is that you seem uncomfortable with this situation. You are not "in the moment" any longer but are falling for this man and are going on and on about how great he is, how great he makes you feel...and surely as time goes by you're only going to continue feeling this way, which would be fine if you were dating a single man/man who could provide what you want....but in this situation he has told you specifically that that isn't going to happen.

 

I'm sure you're probably thinking of hedging your bet and either hoping you will mysteriously be able to manage the situation "as is" and enjoy his "greatness" without any other expectations and not get hurt OR somehow things will change with his situation....but chances are neither of the two will happen so my advice is to be honest with yourself and realistic about what you really want, how you really feel, how you see things realistically proceeding (and not what you wish for) and whether or not with all that in mind it makes sense to continue and get deeper. Goodluck!

[jj33]

WWIU I agree with what you and others have said, but Im not sure that is even the point.

 

Even if EVERYTHING he says is true, where does that leave the OP? It leaves her as the glue holding the marriage together. Helping him to maintain a marriage to someone who cant have sex with him but whom he loves and who loves him.

 

It leaves her waiting and hoping that over time if she is a really really great lover friend and companion that he will transfer his love from his W to her.

 

Not a happy place to be and not one that is consistent with most peoples values. And that is where a lot of the problem comes in. When you are moving on a course that is inconsistent with your values it eats at you from inside.

 

There is more room for rationalization when the MM says he doesnt love her he wants to leave, regardless of whether its true. When he isnt saying that, its a lot more uncomfortable for most people to wish wait and hope for the breakdown of the marriage.

 

And OP if you have fallen for him no matter what you post deep down inside that will be what you are wishing. That he wasnt married and you two could be together on a full time basis. Its not a pretty place to be.

[SidLyon]

It doesn't make sense that his wife would help him set up on a dating website and then not want to know about how he's doing with the women he contacts.

 

Just so you know I'm a BW and I'm embarrassed to say that many years ago I said something like "well get yourself a girlfriend if you're not happy with me" to my H during a very heated argument. It was said in the heat of the moment and my H knew I didn't mean it because he later told me he knew I didn't.

 

When he was unfaithful he told OW several things about me, quite similar to your situation, including:

 

- That I had told him it was alright to get a girlfriend but not to tell me about it.

 

- That I was sick - the fact is that I have a troublesome neck and heartburn but nothing to prevent me leading a normal life.

 

- That I drank too much alcohol - the fact is that my alcohol consumption is approximately 1 glass of alcohol per fortnight as it's not important to me. He drinks nothing, so anything I drink will always be a lot more than him.

 

However the OW didn't check with me about any of this, so I'm guessing she knew in her heart that these were lies or exaggerations at best.

 

What do you think is the real truth?

 

As jj33 has said even if what he's told you is all the truth, and you've verified it with his wife, will this make you happy with everything?

[NoIDidn't]

Desert

 

I really feel for you and his W in all this. I think Circular's post was very true. His W wasn't really giving him permission to cheat on her, she was hoping he would choose her even though she's not feeling very sexual right now.

 

Instead, he goes out and cheats and promises in his own mind to use the person for his own gratification (not falling in love). Now he claims to be in love but only so long as you know he is NEVER LEAVING his marriage.

 

Where does that leave you? With a wonderful man that you can never have a full life with? Or if you do have a full life with him, it will be full of guilt for the woman you know would love to be by his side, but he felt his own needs were more important that being with her, being a companion to her.

 

I'm sorry. This can only lead to heartache for you and his W.

[worthmore]

This all feels far too familiar to me, unfortunately. I also met my xMM on a dating website. I also was told that he loves his wife but she is sick and they no longer have any intimacy in their marriage. He never claimed that she told him to go find that elsewhere, but the "ailing wife" story was enough to elicit some compassion from me. And wow did I want to believe everything he told me.

 

But, what it boils down to is...he is NEVER leaving his wife. And I, for one, don't want to be a distraction, at best....forever. I also was only with him for a short time, and in that short time I was tormented by the dynamic of the "relationship". Bottom line is that EVERYBODY deserves more than to be a side dish or a distraction or an option. Nobody should subject themselves to that. And, I'm not saying it is easy to walk away...because it is not. But, rarely is the 'right thing' an easy thing to do. Hang in there, DesertSunshine. Better things are to come.

[phillyfan]

Dude what a crock of s**t. Iv Neva heard such a BS story. How likely is it that a lady gets a medical problem and afta just a coupla yrs she is like, dude, go find anotha girl 2 have sex with, cos I can't. Tht wud neva happen. What a dirtbag.

[Snowflower]

I am in involved with a MM for 3 months now whose wife told him to seek intimacy with another. He says his wife is a very unselfish person and wants him to have an affair as she can't perform sex anymore because it is too painful for her, due to her chronic pain that anything she does, hurts which she has been suffering everyday for the last 2 yrs.

 

Hi DesertSunshine...I like your screen name, BTW!

 

I don't want to add too much to what others have said here because sometimes the responses can get overwhelming. If you've read the responses to your original question though, have you noticed that most people here are saying the same thing about your situation?

 

I just wanted to point out the incongruity of your two statements in your opening post...in the part above you say that the wife gave the MM permission to have sex outside the marriage because she physically couldn't do it.

 

Okay, this DOES happen sometimes in some marriages. It's weird to a lot of people, but it does happen. If she truly gave permission to him to have extramarital sex, then the sexual part of his relationship with you seems acceptable to her, him and I hope for YOU as well.

 

But if he is supposed to only have his physical needs met outside the marriage then why is he trying to spend so much time with you as you write here:

 

When we do get the chance to spend time together, from dinners, outings, dancing or even just sit and talk about our lives and where we want to be, he indicated alot of things of which he has experienced with me hasn't experienced with his wife.

 

 

Okay, what does all the talking, dinners, dancing, etc. have to do with his getting his sexual needs met?

 

Do you see where I'm going with this?

 

The relationship that you describe is a lot more than just sex--which is what the MM said his wife gave him permission to do.

 

Something doesn't make sense here.

 

DS, you sound like a nice, caring person. Somehow, I think the MM is using this to his advantage.

[jthorne]

It doesn't really matter what his wife knows or doesn't know in the context of this thread. The MM is telling you exactly what your role is. It looks like you are looking for something that simply isn't there to make it easier for you to accept your role.

[jj33]

Desert I had a similar relationship out all the time, dinners parties, etc etc insepaarable M-F and guess what he never left. It wasnt about sex, it was about emotional intimacy. I think those that have permission are most stuck in. Beware and guard your heart. Some people are very good at compartmentalizing.