The only constant in my failed relationships is ME

[Beachgirl8]

Right? So I was thinking maybe you guys can help me gain some perspective on what actions I need to take at this point to avoid another bad relationship and find a good one. My history is kind of crazy so dont be too hard on me.

 

1. High school boyfriend- 3 years- did not have sex because of being so young. Probably should have stuck with him. I broke up with him right before summer before senior year because I was going away and didnt want to be tied to boyf back home.

2. During that summer met K. 1st sex, best boyfriend EVER- so nice to me. He joined the Navy and I went back to high school. We wrote letters to eachother all through my senior year.

3. After high school- took some time off before going to college. Met T. "bad boy" Crazy 1 year relationship- jealousy, fighting, etc. Then he suddenly died in a car accident.

4. Met up with K when he was back in the US on leave. Same feelings were there. We reinstated our letter writing romance.

5. Still mentally screwed up from T's death and K's absence, I got drunk and slept with a male friend one night. Got knocked up. Shotgun wedding and almost immediate divorce (19 years old at this point)

6. Finally got my butt into college at 20. Dated T2 for almost all 4 years. Nice guy, we never fought. Even lived together for a year. No real attraction on either of our parts. Broke up amicably after college.

7. Dated C for 1 year. Lots of attraction, fighting, jealousy. One day he got mad and got physical with me. (Kicked me while I was sitting on the front porch stairs and almost broke my rib) The end. Instant dump.

8. Met J. Engaged after 6 months. Once we moved in together his personality changed. Controlling, jealous, unreasonable, tried to isolate me from family and friends. I never ended up marrying him. He cheated on me, our apartment burned down in a fire in our 5th year of being together. (unrelated incidents but happened simultaneously) and I left.

9. Recconnect with K. Omg everything is the same as when i met him all those years ago! Super guy. He is also divorced with a kid. We do fun things like go

apple picking and make future plans. Laugh. No fighting. He dies of a stroke. 32 years old.

10. I want to leave this next part out because it's the most embarrassing but I actually want you guys to help me so... I married some guy I met after a month. He was nice but not attractive. He immediately became very insecure and needy. My head was obviously not screwed on straight. I left and got it annulled.

11. Nope, maybe this is the most embarrassing part. After a year away from J, he has been begging me to come home this whole time- promising things will be different-I cave and move back. Things were different for all of 6 months then went right back to the bad behavior. My best guess is that he's a narcissist but I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone. He cheats on me again. I move across the country down here to the beach....

12. .... Where I've been single and trying to figure out what my problem is for the past 2 years. Mostly I've been totally single by choice- I've done some online dating here and there, and spent about 6 months seeing a guy who was obviously very wrong for me, but didn't develop any real romantic attachment to him. Also we weren't having sex, so more of just a guy-friend thing. But that ended in July or so and since then I'm back to being a hermit, working on my hobbies, going to the gym, hanging out with friends and the occasional online date or date from a guy I meet out (at the beach, at a restaurant, whatever)

So that's my story. Like the title of my post says, the only constant in all these failed R's is me and I realize that. So... What do I do? Give up hope? Maybe I'm just too far gone to ever be in a relationship where the person doesn't suddenly die young or try to abuse me.

This is also the longest I've been single, ever, if that means anything. I don't know. Ok, please make some suggestions to me.

[Teknoe]

Hey BG, first off sorry for all the tough losses in your life. Car accident, stroke... man that's a lot of death to witness so young. I'm sorry. Life can be unfair at times.

 

May I ask how old you are and how old your son/daughter is?

 

What kind of guys do you look for?

[betterdeal]

So I was thinking maybe you guys can help me gain some perspective on what actions I need to take at this point to avoid another bad relationship and find a good one.

 

We don't find good relationships; we make them. What would be a good relationship in your opinion?

[Beachgirl8]

Hey BG, first off sorry for all the tough losses in your life. Car accident, stroke... man that's a lot of death to witness so young. I'm sorry. Life can be unfair at times.

 

May I ask how old you are and how old your son/daughter is?

 

What kind of guys do you look for?

 

I'm in my mid 30's and my child is a senior in high school.

 

I guess I look for guys like K and try to avoid ones that display behaviors like the other ones.

[Beachgirl8]

We don't find good relationships; we make them. What would be a good relationship in your opinion?

 

Right, good point. A good relationship to me is one where both people respect each other and want to be together, laugh, have fun, good sex, supportive of each other, low or zero drama, jealousy, controlling behaviors.

 

I guess I should also mention that I have no interest in attempting marriage at this point and I don't want to have any more kids. Just a stable LTR.

[Beachgirl8]

Sorry to triple post on my own thread but I think my original question/ request for input was too vague. I sort of think my problem is that I end up comparing every guy/ interaction/ date/ relationship with what I had with K and so I'm constantly let down. Because that's obviously never going to happen again. Here's how it went with him.

 

We met in summertime at a party in the woods (teenagers- I was 16, he was 18) The cops showed up and everyone split up running so we wouldn't get busted for underage drinking I had just started talking to him- he grabbed my hand and pulled me so I would run faster. He was a track star and was killing me with the running. We finally made it to "safety" and sat down and talked for a long time. His arm was bleeding from moving branches out of the way during our escape. He didn't have a pen so used the blood to write my phone number on his arm. Not relevant to anything but it was cute.

The next day he called me and after that we just were together every day. We liked all the same things and had the same goofy, sarcastic sense of humor. We even shared a birthday, although 2 years apart. We went on trips to the amusement park, got ice cream, watched baseball games, went to parties, all normal teenage summertime stuff- but when we weren't out having fun we talked about everything under the sun and spent every minute possible together. He bought me flowers, I cooked him food after he got out of work, and we would sit on the roof of his apartment after having sex every night just talking about the future, our families, hopes, dreams, goals, EVERYTHING.

When the summer was over he left for the Navy and I went back to high school. I'd get a 3-5 page letter from him at least twice a week and I sent him back the same. He would call whenever he could. They shipped him to Bosnia and Europe.

About 2 years later he had a stopover in the US for a week. I drove 6 hours to go stay with him. Everything was exactly the same. I was so sad to see him leave again.

Time passed, I had a baby and moved and finally started college and we lost touch for awhile. During that time he had a fling with a bartender who he knocked up. They also got married. And divorced. Sort of like we were living parallel lives.

Fast forward a few years, through the magic of the Internet we found each other again. We were living about an hour from each other and didn't even know! We started up again. I'd spend weekends at his house with both of our kids, he would come spend weekends with me when his ex had the kid, and again, it was the same connection from all those years ago. Laugh joke fun but also could be serious and help each other with problems. He always opened doors for me. I'd rub his back. We never fought. When we hung out in groups people would always comment how we were always focused on each other and it was like we were in our own world all the time. We had a million inside jokes.

If we disagreed we would just compromise and come up with a solution. In all the time we spent together we never once yelled or got disgusted with each other. We were always both the center of each others attention.

 

Now I go on dates and it's like, UGH. They are jaded, I am jaded, nobody wants to actually connect anymore. Even if I'm physically attracted and they are too it's usually just that. They are still in love with their ex, or they want to be a "playa", or they are uptight and have no sense of humor, or they are bitter towards women, blah blah blah. It's always such a let down.

I hate the word soulmate, but sometimes I think I had one and now he's gone and I'll never find that again. I'd be happy with 80%, hell 50% of what that was.

 

So that's why I think it's me- maybe I am projecting some kind of vibe that is preventing anyone from forming a real connection to me, because my head is stuck on what I had in the past. Add in all the other guys I dated who never amounted to anything but heartache and I'm pretty sure I've created the ultimate recipe for disaster in never being able to find someone again.

I don't have any trouble meeting guys- I'm friendly, outgoing, not egotistical, and usually fun to be around. I have trouble

a) picking someone who isn't a douchebag- based on my track record and

b) being disappointed that there is never that magical connection like there was with K

 

Sometimes I chalk it up to the fact that we met when we were teenagers, when everything is more exciting. But then I remember all of the other times later on up until I was 30 and he was 32 and we still had that same level of just being happy to be around each other.

Sorry guys I know I'm a rambling idiot at this point, I'm just feeling kind of sad and disconnected from the world today. So even some cheerful encouragement would be helpful right now.

[betterdeal]

You're sounding quite reflective and that's a good thing. You're seeing patterns and possible flaws in your patterns which is, again, a good thing. If this was a journey, right now you've sat down and checking the map.

 

There's a corny saying that I think fits well here:

 

Work like you don't need the money

Love like you've never been hurt

Dance like no-one is looking

 

Now, it seems to me that the most desperate or closed people (opposite sides of the same coin) don't have much going on in their lives. The romantic relationship is, to them, much more significant to them and their happiness than it is to those people who are open but not desperate.

 

That doesn't mean they have super amazing careers or are top athletes or whatever, but it does mean they have a good relationship with the rest of the world. They can be a bin-man or a musician; a doctor or a small businessman. The point is, they have other stuff going on. Be that an interest in science or birdwatching or Salsa. They also have interesting connections to friends / family. They can talk for hours about nothing to people they have strong connections with.

 

They can also stand their ground in awkward times. They don't lash out, but they will defend their corner when needs be. To be able to argue / discuss effectively is a valuable skill in any relationship. And it isn't about winning your argument, it's about resolving the argument.

 

That's who you'll find a stable relationship with. And I'm a firm believer in like attracting like. Be one of those people. It may take a year, it may take two. You might meet your next partner tomorrow; maybe in ten years. But reconnecting with the world, redefining your relationship with those people who matter to you (family, friends, colleagues) and reconnecting with your own mind, body and soul is how you'll become one of those people. And one of the advantages of being single is it's much easier to reshape your life than when you're in the midst of the hurricane of a relationship.

 

I wonder why you're holding onto your memories of the times you had with K?

Edited September 27, 2011 by betterdeal

[SincereOnlineGuy]

What kind of a person is/was your own father?

 

 

And what was your life like from as early as you can remember through age ten?

 

I'm guessing the true answers you seek lie in that range.