The LONG journey home..starts with 1 step.

[Coupedriver]

Yes,I am back home.And yes I am shaking pretty badly right now,trying to type this.Some of you know what happened so I wont go into any details.I am trying to play catch up here.I decided to start my LONG journey home with my first step....Some of you know that my ex gets her mail delivered here so her daughter can go to a better school.I used this string,or should I say "False Hope String" thinking I can get her back if I just stay LC and let everything work itself out.

Over the last few days I read an article about BREAKING free and going TOTAL NC.I will be the first to admit I was just too scared to do it...the power she had over me wouldnt let me.I kept READING about this power ex's have over them S/O.I didnt want to believe it...I FORCED myself NOT to believe it.She has NO POWER over me...( DENIAL to the 100x..)..I can think and do what I want.I was SO wrong.

This POWER they have,I found out..isnt REAL...its something in YOUR mind...you make it up,no one else.Your mind can play SO many tricks when it comes to ex's...What if this?..What if that?.It can DRAIN the power out of you wanting to live..it can do SO many things.

The stress and strain you are putting on ourselves....well,you wouldn't believe what you are doing to your health.You dont know where to turn..who to talk to...you become...an RZ.An RZ..? a relationship zombie.Well today was the time to take HER power away.I decided it was time to start...I wrote her a letter...well,several.I wanted to see which one was the best...long...medium...short.

I also stated in my letter that I DONT expect a response nor do I care.This was my SEE'YA letter...BE GONE.I do have to admit it took several hours just to write 5 sentences...yes I am an emotional guy...its just the way I am.I started yesterday by taking down her pedestal.I removed everything from the house...into the trash.I was shaking so bad thinking I was THROWING away my chances to some how get her back...I cried so hard..but I knew it HAD to be done.

This THING she has done to me HAS to STOP now.It has sucked the very life out of me....I became a shell of a once happy,go lucky guy...enjoying everyday.I lost weight...and my will to live.If she TRULY wants me back...she will have to make the effort.If there is a thing as SECOND CHANCES,she will have to contact me.But deep down in my heart...she is too stubborn to..well,so be it.

You have to learn when to take that LEAP forward.Everyone is different...everyone deals with pain differently..I will NOT contact her anymore..she was told to find a way to get her mail elsewhere...( I gave her 4 weeks to find a way..) My brother seems to think its a WAY to keep me in "CHECK" so to speak in case the OTHER new BF doesnt work out..My brother also said it wouldnt be so bad but I was the ONLY one doing the contacting..NOT GOOD...Take the HINT he said.!! I DID not wish her a "HAPPY life" or "Hope things work out for you."

Dont ask me how I know....but I know it wont work out...BUT thats NOT my problem.As WilsonX told my brother.." She made her bed,let her LIE in it.."I pawned her engagement ring.."WOW"..talk about one TOUGH thing to do..I stood there shaking when I handed it over.I want my life BACK.Will it be a LONG road? ...maybe....Will I regret sending that letter..? Yeah,I will wake up and think..WHAT HAVE I DONE..?!???!" Made my life BETTER is what I will answer.

Will I have setbacks and BAD days...? Yeah...But I have learned to deal with them on a different level.Cry then stop...cry again..then stop.It wont be an easy road,but its the ROAD we ALL need to take.It starts with one simple thing....just one..a simple step forward.I am joining after school ( adult) programs that offer different things to keep me busy.I am signing up to take boxing lessons...I want to jog lightly but the Doctor says not to because of my severe weight loss..just light walks to start out with.

I opened the garage today,after 3 months of doing nothing,and pulled off the tarp to my welder and tools and started back in working on my car.I am doing a car show swap meet this weekend and cleaning out a 43 foot trailer filled with Halloween props I made.My hope is to be MOVED away from this house and its memories come spring.I started a journal but it will be kept private.I started one on here and wish the whole damn thing could be taken down....see the POWER they have..?

I know I have to learn to keep my anger and bitterness away.My one brother was in counseling for almost 2 1/2 years after his divorce and has become SO bitter...he wont even DATE...I dont want to end up like that...!!!! I love the company of a good smelling woman too MUCH...!!And I miss there gentle touches...YEAH I know ..YOU SAP...!!! I know that I am a "CAREGIVER" in a relationship so I have to be kinda careful,but that's next to impossible.

And last but not least...I am going to Church to ask GOD not to abandon me...like I did to him.I hope hes listening...I dont know if I will be back anymore.A LOT of people are hurting on here and by me CONSTANTLY reading about there pain...I couldn't move forward.You ALL have the POWER within you TO move forward..what are you waiting for..?!?!?? I hope a few can learn of what I went through and take the steps to NEVER go where I went.

[Coupedriver]

Going to go get my FIRST tattoo next week....Dedicated to my parents.I miss them so much......I love you Mom and Dad.

[Coupedriver]

I threw out EVERY book I bought about saving your relationship...getting your ex back...winning her back....nothing but BS.If and when they do want to come back....they either will or they wont.NO BOOK ON earth can make you change there "FREE WILL".Or MAKE them come CRAWLING back....Doesnt work like that.

[sun_moon]

coupe

 

I'm so glad you are back! We were worried about you. I like your new tone, you can do this Coupe. You have the support of your family, friends and LS.

 

Do what is best for you, everyone has taken LS breaks, after a while it gets to be too much.

 

I'm am so glad to read you are taking extra curricular activities to fill your void and occupy your racing mind.

 

Once again, welcome back and I wish you the best of healing.

 

Check out PelicanPetes new thread , I think it will be a good challenge for all of us, maybe you could give it a try.

[sun_moon]

I threw out EVERY book I bought about saving your relationship...getting your ex back...winning her back....nothing but BS.If and when they do want to come back....they either will or they wont.NO BOOK ON earth can make you change there "FREE WILL".Or MAKE them come CRAWLING back....Doesnt work like that.

 

 

Way to go, when I read your other posts about the books, I cringed, but I knew you would figure it out eventually.

 

I actually recommend this book, Getting Past Your Breakup, I know several LS members have used this.

 

Your are actually already using a lot of the techniques she talks about thanks to your therapist.

Just a recommendation, in case you want something to read.

[Thieves]

COUPE. Darling, I am so glad you are back and that you are WELL. And by well I mean living and breathing and with us again. Again, I'm so sorry for what has happened - we all get lost in our own darkness sometimes - and I won't go into all of my 'sappy' details either, but again, I'm just extremely glad you're okay.

 

And you need to stop being so hard on yourself! You are not a 'sap', or 'emotional'. Forget those labels, alright? You're you, simple as that, which is a good-herated and caring man with an unbelievable ability to love. How do I know that? Simple, just from what I've read on here from you. It radiates from you, from your words, and I know someday you will find a lovely good-smelling woman () who is completely able to appreciate you and will want to hold onto you tight. And yes, naturally your journey of healing will be one filled with a few bumpy roads, all of ours will... but also one with tremendous rewards. I think we all know that, just like you said, it's taking that first leap forward and putting our minds to it...

 

In any case, whether you decide to keep us posted on your healing or not, I wish you good luck in your healing - mind, body, and soul - and we look forward to hearing about your recovery from this insane trial and error of heartbreak. I know you can do it. Oh, and hooray for getting first tattoos! I'm pretty sure I'm going to get mine soon, as well. Let's just hope I don't chicken out.

[Coupedriver]

Like I thought,I woke up in a panic thinking about the letter I wrote and sent but like I told myself.."Sometimes you have to do things you dont want to".I reminded myself all day long to be strong.I even managed to stop by a local vegetable stand and buy some tomatoes and dried basil and made some of my WORLD famous spaghetti sauce.I DID make myself sit down and EAT...no matter what.I did break down a few times but I made the feeling go away.."Think of Better times to come.!!"

I was getting kinda jumpy coming home..( its the WORST feeling ) hoping no e-mails were sent from her.I did remember I had to package a bunch of stuff I sold and had to be shipped out so that kept me busy.The worse thing is..there is no one to talk to....my friends gave up and my family doesnt want to hear about it anymore.Makes you feel all alone.

I did check e-mail and GULPED when I saw the e-mail as RETURNED.I started to get nervous but cooled down.I noticed I didnt type it in right so I corrected it and re-sent it.Like I stated to her.." I dont want a response because I dont know what is the truth or a lie..!"She is on her own now.

When I was at 2 of my stops today I talked to guys who HAD the exact thing happen to them..!! One guys GF left him after 12 YEARS and he flipped out too....Another stop a guys wife of 13 YEAR and 3 kids decided she didnt want to be married anymore...!! WOW..I was floored to say the least....So we stood around ..( like you LADIES do..chickens in a barn YARD...) and clucked away..We compared notes and and they did what everyone does when it happens...They cried..begged..pleaded.

But we all know what happens....they still walk away.I told a bit of my story and one guy asked.."If she told you to get the Hotel and the passes to go away...and you/she knew you were going away...WHY and the hell did she tell you do that..then NOT CALL you..? Sounds like someone made her change her mind."I said I dont know...sometimes the world just doesn't make sense.One guy went NC for a few weeks and went to visit the GF by surprise and she ran into his arms and hugged him so hard he couldn't breath...!!! But they are having problems again...Doesn't look good.

So I need to go take a HOT shower and do laundry..( yeah,I am the maid,cook and bottle washer too..).I am so GLAD for paper plates..!!I hope everyone see the direction they need to go in...and stop wasting our energy on someone who doesn't care...and take that first step.

[IfiKnewThen]

smiling.

 

 

so glad. i see your determination. its not easy. its not. but you DO, have what it takes.

 

 

and i still say youre a great writer. a special talented way of expressing yourself. was glad to see another post or thread. but dont live up to our expectations. keep up with your own. come here when you feel like it. we learn from you too.

 

just glad and hopeful myself reading this. thank you God.

[Coupedriver]

I was a wee bit shaky this morning but the first song I heard this morning was "Never Surrender.",by Cory Hart ..I think.Got me pretty jazzed up and made me feel better.I dont know what anyone can learn from me..(Thanks "If I knew"..) BUT I will tell you a few things I learned.I learned that your EX didnt take you where you are now....ONLY YOU did that.Yes,we are humans and we have feelings,but we cant let them control who or what we are.A LOT easier said then done...!!Your mind will take ADVANTAGE of what your feeling and RUN with it.

There are several methods and ways to make it stop...you have to be OPEN minded and willing to learn and control what you feel.Almost everyone who has been dumped LOSES control and you become an EMOTIONAL freight train..!!Your words and thoughts are controlled by that freight train.Things you say,your actions...everything..theres NO stopping it unless you make the choice to stop it...again..EASIER said then done.

But if you want your life back,its a choice you have to make.Unlessyou love living in FEAR and PAIN,which I am sure NO ONE wants or needs.I have been to a place where NO ONE ever wants to go.Not everyone needs the same treatment..somethings work for some people..some other things work for others.I look back at some of my posts and SEE the TRAIN starting to run....and run...faster...faster...BUT who is at the controls..??? Wanna guess..??

Yes...some of us GAVE our heart and souls to others,only to be crushed ,which is never good.Will some of us learn by it..? The younger people not so much..( NO,I am NOT knocking you..) and yes I know you feel pain too...But you have a LARGE part of your life ahead of you...and YES,believe me,you will meet someone better.For the OLDER people...it plays out different.We have been around so it effects us a bit different.

[sleepykitten]

Coupedriver-am so happy to see you back with us, and you seem determined to fight for yourself and put yourself first. a huge hug to you, all the things you have done, making the decision re the letters, throwing stuff away, starting on your car, making your own sauce for dinner, these are huge and powerful steps. Sometimes we have to truely be rock bottom to pull ourselves back up. I have been there too and dont ever want to find myself there again, nothing is worth your life, you are in control-it certainly sounds like it now.

[IfiKnewThen]

trust me. your words ad experiences contribute a lot.

 

quote: and yes I know you feel pain too...But you have a LARGE part of your life ahead of you...and YES,believe me,you will meet someone better.For the OLDER people...it plays out different.We have been around so it effects us a bit different.

 

i feel when people are really young there are more possibilities. and things can play out differently. you're correct, i think. younger people hurt just as bad..but are physically feel more resilient , have more of a support system around a lot of the time.....family who might still be a live whatever. that is not to say its like that for every young person though, ..of course not. i know someone very young and in a whole lot of pain. but i think theres truth to it playing out kinda differently.

 

but young or old..or whatever...lost love is very painful..especially depending on the bond that was formed, the depth and duration.

 

and quote: BUT I will tell you a few things I learned.I learned that your EX didnt take you where you are now....ONLY YOU did that.Yes,we are humans and we have feelings,but we cant let them control who or what we are.A LOT easier said then done...!!Your mind will take ADVANTAGE of what your feeling and RUN with it.

 

this is so true. this is the fight, right here. to steer our thinking in a direction that will help us. because no one can get under our skin and minds and do it for us. we are in control of out bodies and soul and it does start with a thought...and the better we form those thoughts..the better off we are.

still fighting to stay on track , with better thinking for myself. so not easy. but so necessary.

 

thats actually a good thing to spend the day..reflecting and working..

 

i never knew heartbreak at a young age. it came when older. and it shocked me. perhaps if i did know this at a much younger age, i would have handled things a lot differently...as i got older. if that makes any sense.

 

but we cant turn the clock back...in our actions. all we have now. anyway...your determination, is good and infectious ...for so many. i am certain of it

[IfiKnewThen]

hey coupedriver. how are you today? respond only when you're in the mood or if you even want to.

 

ps i have no idea why PM did not go thru. i have to do some more deleting apparently. please bare with me. thank u

[Surfer Girl]

Coupe

 

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to understand the person you thought you could not live without ... is knowing you can... Letting go is hard...You can't control how another person feels... all you can do is take baby steps to find the realization... that life can go on....

[IfiKnewThen]

Coupe

 

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to understand the person you thought you could not live without ... is knowing you can... Letting go is hard...You can't control how another person feels... all you can do is take baby steps to find the realization... that life can go on....

 

 

excellent advise. such a true comment. i am still a work in progress.

[Coupedriver]

I dont why I fell into this...funk.From last night until now I cant stop crying...Something feels ..wrong..in my gut.I keep getting this kinda bad VIBE...I cant seem to put my finger on it..yet.It feels like WAVES of emotions are coming from nowhere.All of my dreams for the last few days have been of her...one right after another.Still have no one to talk to about.Driving all day makes it worse.I see couples enjoying the moment and just kinda look away.I would give ANYTHING to be that happy again.At least I am eating..bit by bit.I dont do my meds during the day anymore.I am SO terrified of getting pulled over in my work truck.Motor Vec.Inspectors are REAL tough to deal with.Been there..did that already.

I just want to send a short e-mail and tell her I still love her but I know it wont do any good.If she really loved me as much as she said she did,I wouldn't be here.I HATE to keep coming back to that subject,but I will be DAMNED if I can figure it out.I think that is whats holding my back.If I could just get the TRUTH..just a one time shot with her.

Just to HONESTLY sit down and have an open talk.No arguing...swearing...or finger pointing.I posted it in another post..."How can you look someone in the eyes and TELL so many lies..?!?!!?"I feel like I have taken 20 steps backwards.But I have kept her out of my thoughts but that ..feeling...I cant shake it.Like something is wrong but I don't see it yet.Ok...off the the tattoo artist to see about having mine done.

Besides....I get to have RIBS tonight...CANT WAIT.

[coltsfan1]

Coupe- Let the emotions run their course. Cry feel sad just do it by yourself and around people you trust. If you need to and can see a counselor, I wish I could. Then you would have someone to vent to.

 

Keep the faith you will make it through this, I have been NC for OVER a year. I still miss my ex but I have came to terms with the fact that I don't know her now. But the feelings are still there, I had to cut contact with her, mutual friends, and just move on with my life. It has been the hardest thing that I have ever done but I am still here living, breathing, and I even enjoy some days.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi coupe how are you?

 

sorry for all youre going thru. you ask the question how can they look into your eyes and lie so much. tell you they love you etc.

 

honestly that is a sign of yes, a liar, but also someone who is passive aggressive. it can be a person who avoids confrontation at all costs.

 

just a brief description : http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/passive-aggressive-behavior/AN01563

 

http://proactivechange.com/relationships/passive-aggressive.htm

 

ok there are all kinds of articles on this. i didnt have a chance to look thru them all. thousands on the internet.

 

anyway this is NOT your fault. its difficult dealing with a passive aggressive person...IF she fits this description at all. maybe she doesn't. i dont know.

 

 

all i know is it IS painful, when we are told something and trust something to be true and then we are completely blind-sighted with a whole other truth and reality. of course that would make you upset and depressed. it would for anyone in those shoes.

 

just keep trying to get thru this and heal. it does get better in time. i know its maddening. i am still scratching my head. i mean i know what i did. but THEY totally professed to be someone else and feel a certain way and didnt. its soooooo darn shocking.

 

hang in there. how are you today? again dont answer till or if you ever want to : )

[Coupedriver]

I CANT send PMs "IfiknewThen" ...!! CLEAN out that PM BOX..!!!!!!!!!!

[IfiKnewThen]

1,000 apologies. i cleared like 3 PMs now. i hope this works. i save some to keep in touch and not forget those i have spoken to. please try again. i may need to delete more..but lets try this now after 3 deleted. thanks you again

[Coupedriver]

I have had a few good days lately...been in the garage,hit by emotions and crying moments,then back to work on the car.Been hanging around some old friends and meeting new ones but I still feel....like...I dont know...raw.Out of the blue she e-mailed me and said could I leave her mail outside again,along with her jewelry charms she forgot to pick up last time and how she was shopping online and didn't like the new ones...Now whats weird is I didn't totally FREAK out and say "SHES contacting me..!!"

I just kinda looked at it,read it once...dumped it and never sent an answer back yet.Kinda feels EMPOWERING knowing shes waiting for an answer...and I haven't sent one back yet..!! And yes I know its only a tiny thing..but surprised how good it feels..!!The shoe on the other foot kinda thing...

I MUST admit...feels kinda COOL..! But I know whats coming...it is time to write the letter that ends it all...forever.I have to tell her she has to get her mail elsewhere because she told me a long time ago.." I dont want to be with you,and you should move on.." I will tell her getting her mail here is giving me FALSE hope and I cant have that anymore.I did get an strange update though when I saw her brother a few days ago...

I told him I don't care to know and your sister has SOME issues and will never deal with them.I told him I know the BF has no job or car and they live off her paycheck because the bank keeps sending OVER DRAWN notices to the house...I told him her world will crash down around her soon enough ( KARMA..to the 100th power..) and I will stand there..look at her..and walk away.

He asked how I knew so much...." You just have to listen to what people say and how they say it.." I told him I know what RED letters sent MEAN,and why does he think I am SO STUPID...??!?!? I saw her on Saturday at her work..( sorry folks...I DO have to shop there for food..! ) and kept walking..I did catch a glimpse and I can honestly say one thing...she looks like she is starting to crack....I could see the stress from where I was and just kinda smiled and walked by..she never even saw me.

But its time for a HOT shower..and some reading.

[sun_moon]

I really like your update.

 

It is quite empowering isnt it. Keep your head up.

[Coupedriver]

The letter was sent a few minutes ago.I stated that she doesnt need to stop by here anymore because her drivers license and her bills have her address on it,so just have it mailed to you using Premium Mail Forwarding from the Post Office and it goes straight to the house your living at...I am sick to my stomach and feel...empty....like its day one.

I cried so hard trying to write that letter..and I still am..I guess my mind thought.."If I stay LC,she will she how much I still love her and I can still be in contact with her.." Living a nightmare is what I was doing.I dont know if LC was good or not.I know this is the first day of total NC and know whats coming...I have to stay strong.I made sure there's nothing left that belongs to her so she cant write me.

I know....I just feel...cheated I guess.All I ever wanted to do was make her happy...to see her face LIGHT up when we did something together or watch her sleep.Its such a shame for people to have to go through this pain and emptiness....when there is so MUCH more to life.I started looking for another house and I am starting my packing tonight.

To much to try and stay here...I keep waiting for here to walk around the corner and tell me.."Dinners ready.." I know its going to be a long night....

[Coupedriver]

I was just cruising through the TV when I heard a song by Adele.."Someone like you."...I lost it....

[sun_moon]

yeah I love that song. I did cry the first couple of times I heard it. It will pass.

[sleepykitten]

Listen to Adeles other one "rolling in the deep" its less painful and more like i'm done now and I'm ok even though we're over. Its my break up song that makes me feel good.