crossroads

[heartinlove]

Being involved in an affair truly sucks. That is my first sentiment.

 

So now Im at a new crossroad. MM told wife he was done with the marriage and leaving, so she then asked him to leave the house right away. Now he is on his own and away from his house and has limited contact with his wife and children. He has since been obviously going through the ringer emotionally. His wife has told him that if he proves himself to her than in time she will let him come home. He is now taking this time to make the decision does he pull the final plug on his marriage and end it or does he start a new life with me.

 

He and I have had limited contact for a while. Just talking at times. Im at this point just exhausted with the lack of a clear decision and the back and forth. The Im in love with you and want to be with you, but then the hesitation to put the nail in the coffin on his marriage so to speak. So, if you were me, how would you handle it? Seriously, are all men in these positions this incapable of making a decisive choice?

[whichwayisup]

Then you decide. Allow this man time and space to figure it out on his own without your influence. If their marriage ends, let it be because he truly isn't loving his wife anymore and doesn't want to be a husband to her.. Not because he cheated on her and fell for you. A man who leaves his wife and family for someone else and not 'himself' only will cause issues down the road if you two DO end up together. Trust will be an issue (cheated on his wife, the woman he said vows to in front of family and friend, the woman who carried their child for 9 months, built a life together) he lied to her, deceived her, every single day during your affair..Don't think he wouldn't ever lie or omit truths from you?

 

He owes it to his child and to his wife to give the marriage one last shot, fix it, do counselling.. To bust up a family, make that decision isn't an easy thing to do and it takes time to work through the issues, reguardless if they D or not.

 

Just my 2 cents, but think about backing off and taking matters into your own hands. Go NC.. Let him know you love him but aren't prepared to take him into your life 'right now' as soon as he 'just' left his wife..tell him to call you in 3 months and talk to see where his head is at, and yours too. Take time to figure out if this IS what you. Meaning, are you prepared to be step mom to his child? Know that his (ex) wife will ALWAYS be a part of his life because of their child.

 

Wouldn't it be better to 'date' him and start over, get out of the affair dynamic completely once he's divorced? To hide in the wings, waiting and possibly keep the A going isn't fair to you, to his wife and to his child.

[Circular]

Then you decide. Allow this man time and space to figure it out on his own without your influence. If their marriage ends, let it be because he truly isn't loving his wife anymore and doesn't want to be a husband to her.. Not because he cheated on her and fell for you. A man who leaves his wife and family for someone else and not 'himself' only will cause issues down the road if you two DO end up together. Trust will be an issue (cheated on his wife, the woman he said vows to in front of family and friend, the woman who carried their child for 9 months, built a life together) he lied to her, deceived her, every single day during your affair..Don't think he wouldn't ever lie or omit truths from you?

 

He owes it to his child and to his wife to give the marriage one last shot, fix it, do counselling.. To bust up a family, make that decision isn't an easy thing to do and it takes time to work through the issues, reguardless if they D or not.

 

Just my 2 cents, but think about backing off and taking matters into your own hands. Go NC.. Let him know you love him but aren't prepared to take him into your life 'right now' as soon as he 'just' left his wife..tell him to call you in 3 months and talk to see where his head is at, and yours too. Take time to figure out if this IS what you. Meaning, are you prepared to be step mom to his child? Know that his (ex) wife will ALWAYS be a part of his life because of their child.

 

Wouldn't it be better to 'date' him and start over, get out of the affair dynamic completely once he's divorced? To hide in the wings, waiting and possibly keep the A going isn't fair to you, to his wife and to his child.

 

I think this is excellent advice!!

 

Let him know where you stand but let him know that until the dust settles you'd like to have no contact. You really want the A dynamic to be gone and out of the picture. At the point you're both ready then go on real dates, make it like you're starting over from scratch, maybe start some couples counseling to vent out any lingering trust issues, communication issues, etc...

 

As for men and leaving.... There is something to the cliche 'A mans home is his castle', it's a complex mixture of feelings that conjure up when thinking about leaving the world you've built, the people you said you were going to provide for and protect. There's this deep rooted sense of failure that comes up, it's hard to explain in words, should he have manned-up more? If a man can survive a war, why can't he face adversity at home like a man? I don't know what other words to use as it's a hard feeling to explain.

[fooled once]

Then you decide. Allow this man time and space to figure it out on his own without your influence.

 

A man who leaves his wife and family for someone else and not 'himself' only will cause issues down the road if you two DO end up together.

 

Just my 2 cents, but think about backing off and taking matters into your own hands. Go NC.

 

Wouldn't it be better to 'date' him and start over, get out of the affair dynamic completely once he's divorced? To hide in the wings, waiting and possibly keep the A going isn't fair to you, to his wife and to his child.

 

Ditto .......

[Spark1111]

I think this is excellent advice!!

 

Let him know where you stand but let him know that until the dust settles you'd like to have no contact. You really want the A dynamic to be gone and out of the picture. At the point you're both ready then go on real dates, make it like you're starting over from scratch, maybe start some couples counseling to vent out any lingering trust issues, communication issues, etc...

 

As for men and leaving.... There is something to the cliche 'A mans home is his castle', it's a complex mixture of feelings that conjure up when thinking about leaving the world you've built, the people you said you were going to provide for and protect. There's this deep rooted sense of failure that comes up, it's hard to explain in words, should he have manned-up more? If a man can survive a war, why can't he face adversity at home like a man? I don't know what other words to use as it's a hard feeling to explain.

 

I think a real man fails the minute he engages in an affair and doesn't declare, commit, choose, period.

 

I think he forever has to live with that he did not own up to his feelings and chose to lie and sneak around behind his spouse's and kids backs.

 

I think he may feel forever a less of a man.

 

Romantic confusion is understandable. Lying and sneaking around less so. The longer he dallies in secret, the worse it can be for him.

 

Remove yourself now from this miasma of confusion. Do not be his shoulder to cry on, his best friend to vent to. Why? He will respect you LESS, not more in the long run.

 

You will be cast as the woman who helped him throw it all over. Do NOT be that woman.

 

If you have a vested romantic future with this man, and we know you do, now is the time to end it with him. Tell him, while you love being his friend, you want NO PART in his making his decision to leave his marriage. You will not be a part of this decision. Wish him well, and tell him when he makes a decision, to call you but not before then.

 

Do not be too nice, too empathetic, too kind, too friendly as HE deals with his issues and and his decision.

 

You will regret it.

[TurningTables]

Hi Heart. Your post pulled me out of lurking. I had decided to take some time away from the board, but reading your post, I saw myself. Here is what I have to say. xMM left his house about two months ago. Now, in the back of my mind, I thought: Great! Maybe one day down the road ( a year or so) we could be friends and who knows? even more. We agreed on NC until alot of time had passed.

Here is the hard part: I recently found out he went back. I was devasted. Again. I was in deep denial about the whole situation. Admitting that here on this board is really hard. Im really embrassed that I was thinking all these things in the back of my mind. Im just as sure you are thinking all these same things. I want to save you from making the same mistake I did.

 

I want you to listen to me very carefully. You need to give him space and NC is the only way he is going to figure out if he wants you or his M. I want to save you from thinking just because he left, he wont go back. You want him to come back to you free, clear and on his own. This is the only way you two can be together without all the clutter of this A. If he dosent take the time he needs (and I warn you: it may be a year or two), you will never be sure you were HIS choice. Not his W kicking him out because she knows about the A.

 

You cannot keep putting your life on hold because of him. Its time for you ( and me...lol ) to put two feet on the ground and say NO. You never know, you may go on, live your life and meet someone new. If he comes back to you later on, and the timing is right, then you can make your decisions from there. But for right now, leave him be. Live your life for you. It's hard and it sucks I know, but in hopefully time will reveal what the plan for you really is.

Best wishes sweetie. Im thinking of you.

[whichwayisup]

Hi Heart. Your post pulled me out of lurking. I had decided to take some time away from the board, but reading your post, I saw myself. Here is what I have to say. xMM left his house about two months ago. Now, in the back of my mind, I thought: Great! Maybe one day down the road ( a year or so) we could be friends and who knows? even more. We agreed on NC until alot of time had passed.

Here is the hard part: I recently found out he went back. I was devasted. Again. I was in deep denial about the whole situation. Admitting that here on this board is really hard. Im really embrassed that I was thinking all these things in the back of my mind. Im just as sure you are thinking all these same things. I want to save you from making the same mistake I did.

 

I want you to listen to me very carefully. You need to give him space and NC is the only way he is going to figure out if he wants you or his M. I want to save you from thinking just because he left, he wont go back. You want him to come back to you free, clear and on his own. This is the only way you two can be together without all the clutter of this A. If he dosent take the time he needs (and I warn you: it may be a year or two), you will never be sure you were HIS choice. Not his W kicking him out because she knows about the A.

 

You cannot keep putting your life on hold because of him. Its time for you ( and me...lol ) to put two feet on the ground and say NO. You never know, you may go on, live your life and meet someone new. If he comes back to you later on, and the timing is right, then you can make your decisions from there. But for right now, leave him be. Live your life for you. It's hard and it sucks I know, but in hopefully time will reveal what the plan for you really is.

Best wishes sweetie. Im thinking of you.

 

This is so heartfelt and real. (and I am sorry that you've been hurting TT, hope you feel better very soon and meet a bloody hot single guy who will make your toes curl! :bunny:)

 

Heart, you gotta let this man go and find himself. He's a mess inside, probably more than you realize.

[Circular]

Hi Heart. Your post pulled me out of lurking. I had decided to take some time away from the board, but reading your post, I saw myself. Here is what I have to say. xMM left his house about two months ago. Now, in the back of my mind, I thought: Great! Maybe one day down the road ( a year or so) we could be friends and who knows? even more. We agreed on NC until alot of time had passed.

Here is the hard part: I recently found out he went back. I was devasted. Again. I was in deep denial about the whole situation. Admitting that here on this board is really hard. Im really embrassed that I was thinking all these things in the back of my mind. Im just as sure you are thinking all these same things. I want to save you from making the same mistake I did.

 

I want you to listen to me very carefully. You need to give him space and NC is the only way he is going to figure out if he wants you or his M. I want to save you from thinking just because he left, he wont go back. You want him to come back to you free, clear and on his own. This is the only way you two can be together without all the clutter of this A. If he dosent take the time he needs (and I warn you: it may be a year or two), you will never be sure you were HIS choice. Not his W kicking him out because she knows about the A.

 

You cannot keep putting your life on hold because of him. Its time for you ( and me...lol ) to put two feet on the ground and say NO. You never know, you may go on, live your life and meet someone new. If he comes back to you later on, and the timing is right, then you can make your decisions from there. But for right now, leave him be. Live your life for you. It's hard and it sucks I know, but in hopefully time will reveal what the plan for you really is.

Best wishes sweetie. Im thinking of you.

 

Hey TT, just wanted to say that I feel for you in your situation. It's amazing how we bury things and can have that feeling of everything is good, we're done, moved on, only to have something rear up again and re-open that wound. It's happened a few times to me and I'm always completely blindsided.

[MissBee]

I want someone who chooses me fully, whom I would also choose fully. That is my standard personally.

 

Therefore my way of handling it would be not to. That's the truth. I think if a man is deliberating over a decision between me and another woman, he is going back and forth, he's indecisive and so forth, I would be turned off and would end up feeling like a consolation prize, even if he ended up choosing me after all the deliberation.

[alexandria35]

Hi Heart. Your post pulled me out of lurking. I had decided to take some time away from the board, but reading your post, I saw myself. Here is what I have to say. xMM left his house about two months ago. Now, in the back of my mind, I thought: Great! Maybe one day down the road ( a year or so) we could be friends and who knows? even more. We agreed on NC until alot of time had passed.

Here is the hard part: I recently found out he went back. I was devasted. Again. I was in deep denial about the whole situation. Admitting that here on this board is really hard. Im really embrassed that I was thinking all these things in the back of my mind. Im just as sure you are thinking all these same things. I want to save you from making the same mistake I did.

 

I want you to listen to me very carefully. You need to give him space and NC is the only way he is going to figure out if he wants you or his M. I want to save you from thinking just because he left, he wont go back. You want him to come back to you free, clear and on his own. This is the only way you two can be together without all the clutter of this A. If he dosent take the time he needs (and I warn you: it may be a year or two), you will never be sure you were HIS choice. Not his W kicking him out because she knows about the A.

 

You cannot keep putting your life on hold because of him. Its time for you ( and me...lol ) to put two feet on the ground and say NO. You never know, you may go on, live your life and meet someone new. If he comes back to you later on, and the timing is right, then you can make your decisions from there. But for right now, leave him be. Live your life for you. It's hard and it sucks I know, but in hopefully time will reveal what the plan for you really is.

Best wishes sweetie. Im thinking of you.

 

The above is perfect advice in this situation.

 

I also echo MissBee, there is no way in hell I would ever hang around waiting on a guy to choose between me and another woman. That would feel horrible and I would immediately remove myself from that situation.

[Circular]

The above is perfect advice in this situation.

 

I also echo MissBee, there is no way in hell I would ever hang around waiting on a guy to choose between me and another woman. That would feel horrible and I would immediately remove myself from that situation.

 

I think there is a difference though. If there were no preexisting attachments and someone was making a choice between two people and was on the fence then I'd argue that the person didn't have preference for either choice. And yes, you'd feel like you won but you must've been only 1% better than the other option, which is a slap in the face, especially if the person debated it forever.

 

Speaking completely from the MM point of view it's not a choice between W or OW, it's a choice between the life I've had and built around me for xx number of years, W being a significant potion of it and starting a brand knew life with OW, mostly from scratch. Maybe this is a guys way of looking at the world but if MM leaves W for OW he is making a significant statement. Sure, he needs to get his head straightened out and he needs time but I don't think it's as simple as option A or option B.

[NoIDidn't]

I think there is a difference though. If there were no preexisting attachments and someone was making a choice between two people and was on the fence then I'd argue that the person didn't have preference for either choice. And yes, you'd feel like you won but you must've been only 1% better than the other option, which is a slap in the face, especially if the person debated it forever.

 

Speaking completely from the MM point of view it's not a choice between W or OW, it's a choice between the life I've had and built around me for xx number of years, W being a significant potion of it and starting a brand knew life with OW, mostly from scratch. Maybe this is a guys way of looking at the world but if MM leaves W for OW he is making a significant statement. Sure, he needs to get his head straightened out and he needs time but I don't think it's as simple as option A or option B.

 

LOL. Circular, you aren't making this any better. No woman wants to hear that there is nothing special about her that gives the guy something to prefer. SMH.

 

No sane woman waits for a guy to figure out a reason to choose her. No matter what he claims he needed to consider.

[Circular]

LOL. Circular, you aren't making this any better. No woman wants to hear that there is nothing special about her that gives the guy something to prefer. SMH.

 

No sane woman waits for a guy to figure out a reason to choose her. No matter what he claims he needed to consider.

 

Ummmm.... that was my point though... in a non-A i agree whole heartedly. In an A though there are a lot of extenuating circumstances. Maybe it's because I'm a guy it's just the way I see it. To me she'd be special and she'd know it by the actions I'd take in making the decision. Thing is, making that decision isn't option A or B, there's a lot of other things to consider.

[NoIDidn't]

Ummmm.... that was my point though... in a non-A i agree whole heartedly. In an A though there are a lot of extenuating circumstances. Maybe it's because I'm a guy it's just the way I see it. To me she'd be special and she'd know it by the actions I'd take in making the decision. Thing is, making that decision isn't option A or B, there's a lot of other things to consider.

 

Which leads me to another point: the affair. Didn't the affair prove to the OW that the MM wants to choose her? Afterall, he did cheat with her and lie to his W to be with her?

 

Its confusing that this guy claims he even has options to consider. He just spent months/years convincing the OP that he wants to be with her, and after his W kicks him out and THEN extends the possibility of letting him come back home......THEN...he wants to make a choice.

 

Sounds to me like he wants to go home, not like he wants to leave for the OP (I'm sorry, OP).

[siuys]

Being involved in an affair truly sucks. That is my first sentiment.

 

So now Im at a new crossroad. MM told wife he was done with the marriage and leaving, so she then asked him to leave the house right away. Now he is on his own and away from his house and has limited contact with his wife and children. He has since been obviously going through the ringer emotionally. His wife has told him that if he proves himself to her than in time she will let him come home. He is now taking this time to make the decision does he pull the final plug on his marriage and end it or does he start a new life with me.

 

He and I have had limited contact for a while. Just talking at times. Im at this point just exhausted with the lack of a clear decision and the back and forth. The Im in love with you and want to be with you, but then the hesitation to put the nail in the coffin on his marriage so to speak. So, if you were me, how would you handle it? Seriously, are all men in these positions this incapable of making a decisive choice?

 

Heart, sorry you are in this situation. And yes, I agree - being in an affair truly sucks.

 

xMM left twice. First time for 6 months, then he moved back. Second time 3 months ago. Long story short, it didn't work out. I find I couldn't trust him, and although he was much better emotionally the second time he left, he was still trying to rebuild his life, and find himself and all the rest. I think there is a lot of truth in what Circular said.

 

Knowing what I know now, I would end it and if it's meant to be, he can look you up when he's sorted himself out - probably a year or two. I wouldn't hang around and wait, coz why should you put your life on hold, and why should you wait for him to choose you? If you don't end it for real, you will be emotionally still invested and you will not be able to move on.

 

I believe most men who have affairs are not initially capable of being in a committed R. Too much baggage. They might want to, or think they want to, but they may not deliver.

 

Not familiar with your sitch, but affairs create a lot of fantasies and people do hold onto idealized version of the AP.

 

All the best.

[woinlove]

LOL. Circular, you aren't making this any better. No woman wants to hear that there is nothing special about her that gives the guy something to prefer. SMH.

 

No sane woman waits for a guy to figure out a reason to choose her. No matter what he claims he needed to consider.

 

Yes, it's a good perspective though to remind women to stay away from MM. They really aren't in any position to chose because they are still dealing with issues related to the M. Dealing with those issues poorly too.

 

When you think about Circular's points, it makes one wonder how that estimated 2-3% who make a go of a committed R with the OW manage it! Presumably they get some professional help and/or do enough work on themselves to sort out their own issues, sort out their failed M issues, all while building a new R.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes, it's a good perspective though to remind women to stay away from MM. They really aren't in any position to chose because they are still dealing with issues related to the M. Dealing with those issues poorly too.

 

Yeah, but its hard for facts to compete with feelings.

 

When you think about Circular's points, it makes one wonder how that estimated 2-3% who make a go of a committed R with the OW manage it! Presumably they get some professional help and/or do enough work on themselves to sort out their own issues, sort out their failed M issues, all while building a new R.

 

I would venture the guess that the 2 to 3% that actually manage marrying the OW were truly grieving the end of their marriage while still in it. Kind of like caring for a terminally ill spouse in that they are relieved when the suffering is over for everyone and ready to move on.

 

But, like you've stated, most just aren't in that position and have so much baggage that they lug from relationship to relationship.

 

I think its brave of anyone that attempts remarriage with the divorce statistics getting worse not better with each subsequent marriage. Its like the deck is always stacked against you. Trying to do that from an affair is adding further difficulty in an already tough field.

[PhoenixRise]

Being involved in an affair truly sucks. That is my first sentiment.

 

So now Im at a new crossroad. MM told wife he was done with the marriage and leaving, so she then asked him to leave the house right away. Now he is on his own and away from his house and has limited contact with his wife and children. He has since been obviously going through the ringer emotionally. His wife has told him that if he proves himself to her than in time she will let him come home. He is now taking this time to make the decision does he pull the final plug on his marriage and end it or does he start a new life with me.

 

He and I have had limited contact for a while. Just talking at times. Im at this point just exhausted with the lack of a clear decision and the back and forth. The Im in love with you and want to be with you, but then the hesitation to put the nail in the coffin on his marriage so to speak. So, if you were me, how would you handle it? Seriously, are all men in these positions this incapable of making a decisive choice?

 

Heartinlove

 

The two statements bolded above can not both be true.

 

Doesn't done with the marriage and leaving = done and leaving?

 

What decision? He said he was done and leaving and then he left right?

 

Heart

 

It sounds like she kicked him out. She got tired of his cra* and she asked him to leave and she told him told him in essence, if you ever learn how to be a real man then you can come home. That is the only circumstance that makes sense to me where he would still have a "decision" to make.

 

Don't wait patiently on the sidelines while he decides whether or not he is going to man up for his wife.

 

I don't know which of you he will end up with (maybe in the end neither of you) but I DO know that in the end he will RESPECT the one who expects the most out of him as a man...the one who demonstrates that she knows her own worth.

[heartinlove]

Then you decide. Allow this man time and space to figure it out on his own without your influence. If their marriage ends, let it be because he truly isn't loving his wife anymore and doesn't want to be a husband to her.. Not because he cheated on her and fell for you. A man who leaves his wife and family for someone else and not 'himself' only will cause issues down the road if you two DO end up together. Trust will be an issue (cheated on his wife, the woman he said vows to in front of family and friend, the woman who carried their child for 9 months, built a life together) he lied to her, deceived her, every single day during your affair..Don't think he wouldn't ever lie or omit truths from you?

 

He owes it to his child and to his wife to give the marriage one last shot, fix it, do counselling.. To bust up a family, make that decision isn't an easy thing to do and it takes time to work through the issues, reguardless if they D or not.

 

Just my 2 cents, but think about backing off and taking matters into your own hands. Go NC.. Let him know you love him but aren't prepared to take him into your life 'right now' as soon as he 'just' left his wife..tell him to call you in 3 months and talk to see where his head is at, and yours too. Take time to figure out if this IS what you. Meaning, are you prepared to be step mom to his child? Know that his (ex) wife will ALWAYS be a part of his life because of their child.

 

Wouldn't it be better to 'date' him and start over, get out of the affair dynamic completely once he's divorced? To hide in the wings, waiting and possibly keep the A going isn't fair to you, to his wife and to his child.

 

I agree 100%. Its what i have decided to do

[heartinlove]

I think this is excellent advice!!

 

Let him know where you stand but let him know that until the dust settles you'd like to have no contact. You really want the A dynamic to be gone and out of the picture. At the point you're both ready then go on real dates, make it like you're starting over from scratch, maybe start some couples counseling to vent out any lingering trust issues, communication issues, etc...

 

As for men and leaving.... There is something to the cliche 'A mans home is his castle', it's a complex mixture of feelings that conjure up when thinking about leaving the world you've built, the people you said you were going to provide for and protect. There's this deep rooted sense of failure that comes up, it's hard to explain in words, should he have manned-up more? If a man can survive a war, why can't he face adversity at home like a man? I don't know what other words to use as it's a hard feeling to explain.

 

So well said. I so appreciate your comments as they ring so true.

[heartinlove]

I think a real man fails the minute he engages in an affair and doesn't declare, commit, choose, period.

 

I think he forever has to live with that he did not own up to his feelings and chose to lie and sneak around behind his spouse's and kids backs.

 

I think he may feel forever a less of a man.

 

Romantic confusion is understandable. Lying and sneaking around less so. The longer he dallies in secret, the worse it can be for him.

 

Remove yourself now from this miasma of confusion. Do not be his shoulder to cry on, his best friend to vent to. Why? He will respect you LESS, not more in the long run.

 

You will be cast as the woman who helped him throw it all over. Do NOT be that woman.

 

If you have a vested romantic future with this man, and we know you do, now is the time to end it with him. Tell him, while you love being his friend, you want NO PART in his making his decision to leave his marriage. You will not be a part of this decision. Wish him well, and tell him when he makes a decision, to call you but not before then.

 

Do not be too nice, too empathetic, too kind, too friendly as HE deals with his issues and and his decision.

 

You will regret it.

 

Thanks Spark. I so appreciate your perspective. I have taken a few days to do some real soul searching and i kept thinking about what you said. If he does leave his marriage, I do not want to be THAT woman that influences that choice. I have been so caught up inside being a friend to him as well. I have tried so hard to support whatever choice he makes, but my mere presence in his life will influence this choice. And my heart is so invested, lets face it, its impossible to be unbiased. I have to let go and if its meant to be it will be. If its not and I never see or talk to him again in this life, as heartbreaking as the thought of that is. I have to let go. It is time to do the right thing and override all the thoughts and feelings that want to connect with him, be there for him, not lose him entirely. It has taken so many tears, so many friends, this board and most of all finding the depth of my own heart to finally arrive here.

[heartinlove]

Hi Heart. Your post pulled me out of lurking. I had decided to take some time away from the board, but reading your post, I saw myself. Here is what I have to say. xMM left his house about two months ago. Now, in the back of my mind, I thought: Great! Maybe one day down the road ( a year or so) we could be friends and who knows? even more. We agreed on NC until alot of time had passed.

Here is the hard part: I recently found out he went back. I was devasted. Again. I was in deep denial about the whole situation. Admitting that here on this board is really hard. Im really embrassed that I was thinking all these things in the back of my mind. Im just as sure you are thinking all these same things. I want to save you from making the same mistake I did.

 

I want you to listen to me very carefully. You need to give him space and NC is the only way he is going to figure out if he wants you or his M. I want to save you from thinking just because he left, he wont go back. You want him to come back to you free, clear and on his own. This is the only way you two can be together without all the clutter of this A. If he dosent take the time he needs (and I warn you: it may be a year or two), you will never be sure you were HIS choice. Not his W kicking him out because she knows about the A.

 

You cannot keep putting your life on hold because of him. Its time for you ( and me...lol ) to put two feet on the ground and say NO. You never know, you may go on, live your life and meet someone new. If he comes back to you later on, and the timing is right, then you can make your decisions from there. But for right now, leave him be. Live your life for you. It's hard and it sucks I know, but in hopefully time will reveal what the plan for you really is.

Best wishes sweetie. Im thinking of you.

 

Thanks for coming out of lurking to post this. Again, I so appreciate the feedback. This has been such a difficult time.

[fooled once]

I hope for your sake you do follow the advice to go NC right now. You don't have to remind him you love him or you are waiting for him; if he knows you like you claim, he will know this information.

 

I know you said you don't want to be THAT woman; but aren't you already anyway? I mean, he didn't leave prior to the affair....and it seems he hasn't left yet (because his wife kicked him out, thereby SHE ended things <even temporarily>, not him). Isn't that enough for you to see/hear to understand that you really aren't the one he claims to love so much and want to be with? I mean, if you were, why is there even a "decision" that needs to be made by him? She has given him the opportunity to be with you; yet he is hesitating.... do you see that?

[missy268]

I have recently made the decision to go no contact with my A

 

He isn't married, he lives with his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, we met and fell for each other at work

 

I was at this crossroads last Saturday, and i decided to go totally no contact and let him leave his relationship for HIMSELF, not under my influence, if he still decides to stay with her - then clearly he was only looking for a casual thing on the side

 

I have not heard or spoken to him since last Saturday, Yes i've been very tempted just to call him up - but its not me thats in the relationship and needs to figure out what i'm doing, its him....I miss him terribley but i'll tell you something my head is clear for the first time in 3 months, my head is clear!

 

You have to do what is right for you - I couldn't carry on being the other woman, i wanted to be the only woman - I think im worth that, and so are you hun, honestly!

 

Affairs, i swear ill never get involved in one ever again - because it hurts like this

 

theres a song called Unspoken by a band call hurts , and theres a line in it that goes

 

"Id rather be lonely, than be by your side"

 

and thats EXACTLY how i feel now

 

Do whats right for you, not him! xxx

[RainDown]

I don't believe waiting around for a man to choose between two women to be a very good idea. It's not a very kind thing to do to yourself and it will surely shred your self esteem. Being involved with a man who is anything less than 100% IN really should be a dealbreaker and there should be no doubt whatsoever that you are THE ONE. Not the one he "picked" in some half-assed her or her comparison.

 

You deserve better than this.