My revelation/problem

[Whipple]

I've been trying to figure out why I've been so sad in this LDR compared to my previous one. My current boyfriend is a thousand times more awesome than my ex boyfriend in my ex LDR, and we also get to visit each more often then a couple of times a year. So why the f*** have I been feeling so sad? Last night, after many tears, I finally figured it out.

 

It's my self-esteem. You see, my boyfriend has a huge array of close female friends. That's fine and dandy, but all of these girls are gifted by being so well-rounded. They're all attractive, friendly, very intelligent, and very athletic. Then we have myself. I'm very mediocre. Yeah, I'm kinda smart, kinda athletic, not grotesque. But I'm so average and live far away. My biggest fear in this LDR is that he's going to pick from one of those girls and give me the boot. I mean, why not? They're so well-rounded and live locally with him.

 

I try to turn it around by reminding myself that he must see something special in me since he's with me. I also try to tell myself that he must be a really great person if he has so many friends. But no, it doesn't work.

 

My ex boyfriend went after one of his female friends (that's why he's my ex) in my last LDR so that just perpetuates my poor self-esteem.

 

Anyway, I feel down in the dumps I don't know if there's anything anyone can do or say that will pull me out. It just sucks. I've always had poor self-esteem but now that I'm in an LDR, it's magnified.

[Feelin Frisky]

I suggest busying yourself at something that keeps you interested and try to stop talking yourself down. You don't need to artificially talk yourself up. Just be very careful to catch yourself when you are downing yourself. There's no need for it and no one else is doing it about you except you. You're reinforcing an unfair negative and could just as easily be reinforcing a fair positive. Make it that way and keep it that way. It will make a difference. I assure you.

[Whipple]

Thanks, FF, I appreciate your response. Actually, I keep myself very busy. With work, all of my hobbies, and nights out with friends, I can barely get everything done. But I still have those negative thoughts and they just seem to sit with me. I was doing a good job suppressing and managing them when my boyfriend and I were living in the same city. But as I said, everything is intensified now with the distance. For example, one night he didn't answer the phone and didn't call back. I took it to mean that he was thinking of dumping me (my ex bf started ignoring my phone calls before our fallout). The following day when he called, I started freaking out on the phone and he was completely clueless. It's stuff like that. I don't want to push him further away because the distance already did a good job of doing that.

 

You mentioned that no one else is downing myself except myself, and I would like to believe that. I did believe that one time in the past, but then I found out that my ex was downing me. It always comes back to that sh*t. I'm scared that if it can happen in the past with me in an LDR, then who's to say that it won't happen again?

[Feelin Frisky]

There's one thing that I always come back to when I have to face that things just couldn't work out--whether someone decided to let me go or I had to bail on them-- and that is that it's a super privilege to be a human being and I know that there is no degree anyone can earn or have conferred upon them that makes them any more perceptive, resilient and inventive than me. I know I am what any great person has ever been and just because avenues haven't presented themselves for me to prove that to anyone else yet in the degrees that will satisfy me that I've delivered my worth, I don't have the slightest doubt in myself that I am all there is in one body. It's always the other persons loss if they give up on me. I know that I'm a fundamentally good man and experiencing life with me for someone else could be uniquely valuable to them. We all have this uniqueness--the more you live to embrace and nurture it in yourself, the more confident you become that there is something only you can bring to someone else's life. I hope you can find the strength that's in you to make you a woman for all seasons who will land on your feet come what may. Trust that it's in you and you CAN find it if you cease defeating yourself.

[lesoiseaux]

When I first started dating my bf I used to compare him to my ex all the time. Meaning, I used to think that he was gonna do the same things as my ex, that every action (or lack of action) on his part meant that he was going to stop liking me just like my ex did. I once expressed these fears to my bf and while he was understanding, he also reminded me that he is NOT my ex. I could also tell he was a bit offended/upset that I would not only draw these connections but also that I'd even start to think that I had legitimate reasons to be concerned about our relationship.

 

So I would say the same thing to you -- your bf is not your ex bf. They are different people, so please don't attribute things your ex once did to your current bf, it's not fair! Once I thought of things in this way I easily stopped comparing my bf to my ex...I wanted my current bf to realize that I do appreciate and acknowledge all the things he does for me and all the ways he shows me he loves me.

 

I really hope this helps!

[Els]

IMO, in most cases between healthy people, jealousy is not often the 'fault' of just one person, but both. I guess in this case it really depends on the dynamic between him and those girls. How much does he hang out with them? Does he do it one-on-one, perhaps in groups with just them and no other guys? Where does he draw the boundaries?

 

I think it's normal for anyone in an LDR to be feeling insecure, especially if their SO is surrounded with lots of people of the opposite sex. As long as you feel he isn't crossing any boundaries with them though, I guess the solution is to firstly talk to him about it. Secondly, simply be the best gf you can be, and remind yourself that if he could up and go with one of his female friends when you're not around despite you being good to him, this was not meant to be anyway - he was not right for you. Acceptance.

 

Good luck!

[Viking]

When I first started dating my bf I used to compare him to my ex all the time. Meaning, I used to think that he was gonna do the same things as my ex, that every action (or lack of action) on his part meant that he was going to stop liking me just like my ex did. I once expressed these fears to my bf and while he was understanding, he also reminded me that he is NOT my ex. I could also tell he was a bit offended/upset that I would not only draw these connections but also that I'd even start to think that I had legitimate reasons to be concerned about our relationship.

 

So I would say the same thing to you -- your bf is not your ex bf. They are different people, so please don't attribute things your ex once did to your current bf, it's not fair! Once I thought of things in this way I easily stopped comparing my bf to my ex...I wanted my current bf to realize that I do appreciate and acknowledge all the things he does for me and all the ways he shows me he loves me.

 

I really hope this helps!

 

What do you do when your GF is also your ex-gf because you split for a time and then got back together? How can you move past the fears that your split gave you? I try not to hold it against her, but sometimes it is hard to not equate certain situations from the past to the present...

[lesoiseaux]

What do you do when your GF is also your ex-gf because you split for a time and then got back together? How can you move past the fears that your split gave you? I try not to hold it against her, but sometimes it is hard to not equate certain situations from the past to the present...

 

Oh Viking I wish I knew I suppose a lot of it would have to do with the reasons you broke up/got back together. Part of it though is just having faith, I think...and hopefully she is understanding during those moments you do feel uncertain.

 

Whipple, why don't you pick up another hobby? It seems you keep yourself very busy, but maybe you could start working out, learning a new skill or reading more books (for example), anything to "improve" on the aspects of yourself you think you are "deficient." That way maybe you'll start to feel as special as your bf already thinks you are!

[Whipple]

Lesoiseaux: I'm sorry that you had to experience something similar, but I'm glad you made it out on the other side of the tunnel. You're right about the whole comparing idea. My boyfriend got screwed over by a girlfriend in his past who he have married if she had not threw him under the bus. He could easily compare myself to her and whether he does or not, I don't know. But yeah, I'd feel sad, offended, and concerned if he thought I would do the same thing. I guess I'm always concerned that history is going to repeat itself; however, you're right, it's not fair to my current boyfriend to have these thoughts. It's something I need to work on. Good idea with the hobby. I've always worked out at the gym in the past but now I'm trying to go almost every day.

 

Elswyth: Almost all of the female friends he has that live locally are ones that work for him or they work nearby in the same department. I have no idea how often he sees them on a daily basis at work. There's a couple that he will spend one-on-one time with such as going to lunch. He will also do group activities with them.

This is where I feel conflicted because I, too, spend one-on-one time with some of my guy friends. My boyfriend is completely aware that I do that and makes jokes about it. If I tell him to not spend one-on-one time with his female friends, then he has every right to say the same to me regarding my guy friends. He has also pointed out multiple times, most recently last week, that he would not date any girls that he works with because he feels that it's unprofessional. I worry that he'll change his mind and make an exception...

[TokyoG33kyGal]

how long have you been dating? it's actually normal to feel insecure in the first few months, especially in an LDR. you begin to question what he sees in you when you find out all the girls that surround him are better than you (well in your head). but he chose to be with you, not them. clearly there is really something in you that he cannot see in those girls. as you develop your trust in him and your confidence, you will just laugh at these silly thoughts one day. unless he gives you a reason to be jealous, then all you have to do for now is have faith in him.

[Els]

Ahh, so you enjoy the same freedom with friends as well. In that case, perhaps reverse the situation a little. Realize that you could be cheating on him with a male friend.. but you're not. Why? Because you have better ethics than that, and because you love your bf. The same should go for him.

[Whipple]

TokyoG33kyGal: That's the sad part. We've been dating for almost a year now. As I've said, I've always had crappy self-esteem and I was able to suppress it earlier. But once I found out that we were gonna have to be in an LDR, that's when everything blew up in my mind. In all honesty, I don't think his behavior has changed at all to the point where it would have warranted this change in my thought process. The only thing different is the distance.

 

Elswyth: Yes, I've taken that approach before. For all I know, he could be concerned about my male friends. Maybe it's his female friends that I don't trust, I don't know. I've met one of them so far and she was okay. It's the ones at work that worry me the most. But I guess in the end, it comes down to me being able to trust him to resist any sort of temptation these girls might throw at him.

[Viking]

Ahh, so you enjoy the same freedom with friends as well. In that case, perhaps reverse the situation a little. Realize that you could be cheating on him with a male friend.. but you're not. Why? Because you have better ethics than that, and because you love your bf. The same should go for him.

 

This is an extremely valid point. I am much a pessimist when it comes to LDRs as my GF expressed that one of her relationships is a failed LDR (only an hour and 20 minutes at that), but that was when she was 18, and now she is 23. So, hopefully she is mature enough to realize that what we have going is worth keeping going, as we're only separated for about 4.5 months in total.

 

I guess what struck me as the piece to take away is the fact that we have the opportunity as well to cheat on our SOs, but we choose not to. That probably doesn't enter into our minds as we are the ones that get left behind (or at least I am), but if you love your SO, you won't do it, even if the occasion does arise.

[Els]

Glad it helped, Viking.

 

Whipple, I know it isn't easy. Many people, even those in ITRs have fleeting feelings of insecurity and jealousy as well if their SO spends a lot of time with people of the opposite sex when they're not around. It's not necessarily rational, but it's human nature. To me, I guess the key issue is knowing that even though someone can, doesn't mean that they will.

[Whipple]

Thanks, Elswyth. As Viking mentioned, we seem to always be concerned that our SO will leave us. Somehow we forget that we have an equal chance of leaving our SO for someone else.

 

I'll keep all this in mind...

[FitChick]

Just because all those females are fabulous doesn't mean they want him. Otherwise he'd be with one of them and not you, right? Perhaps he has been Friend Zoned by them. You are reacting more to what happened to you previously.