First date question-"So, what are you looking for?"

[Beachgirl8]

Just curious how people answer this question.

I'm in my 30's and I don't want to get married again or have more kids. But that's answering it in a negative way- that's what I'm NOT looking for. How to answer this in a positive but succinct way?

 

Side note- I don't like when people answer- "I'm looking for my best friend"- I always think, is she lost?

How do the people of loveshack answer this inane question?

[january2011]

My first take on questions like that is that they are quiz questions and thus I would give quiz answers: "Communication, companionship, connection and commitment."

 

Another way of looking at the question is that it's being asked in the context of casual, long-term or short-term, etc.

 

I think that the marriage and kids questions and answers are important but I wouldn't necessarily talk about those immediately unless specific questions were asked about those areas. Such as, in your case, "do you see yourself getting married again?" or "do you see yourself having more children?"

[D-Lish]

Just curious how people answer this question.

I'm in my 30's and I don't want to get married again or have more kids. But that's answering it in a negative way- that's what I'm NOT looking for. How to answer this in a positive but succinct way?

 

Side note- I don't like when people answer- "I'm looking for my best friend"- I always think, is she lost?

How do the people of loveshack answer this inane question?

 

I'd never ask the question on a first date!! Or a second. I think that's too much pressure to put on a first date!

I like to get to know someone a little before I get into those sorts of questions.

 

I don't want to get married again or have kids... But maybe that would change down the road if I was really compatible with a person and that's something they wanted. It's a hard question to answer. I like to keep the first couple dates light and fun. I'd feel put on the spot if asked this question.

Edited September 27, 2011 by D-Lish

[grkBoy]

Frankly, I think it cuts right to the chase. It's the other person trying to feel you out and see where things will go long-term, or if he/she should say goodnight and keep looking.

 

I guess it's always been easy for me because I wanted the same thing most women wanted...the committed monogamous RL.

 

I imagine for others who do not want to be tied down, this will get tricky, and in many cases it'll lead to an early goodnight if the asking person wants a RL.

 

january2011's answer is a good one.

[Beachgirl8]

I agree with D-lish, this isn't an appropriate first date or pre first date phone call question. Id never ask this question so early on- but I have been asked this question by guys recently. I never know how to answer.

[carhill]

If I ever start dating again, I'm going to ask 'how do you feel about marriage?' on the first date.

 

So, if I'm ever asked the question in the OP, I'll answer a question with a question

[D-Lish]

Frankly, I think it cuts right to the chase. It's the other person trying to feel you out and see where things will go long-term, or if he/she should say goodnight and keep looking.

 

I guess it's always been easy for me because I wanted the same thing most women wanted...the committed monogamous RL.

 

I imagine for others who do not want to be tied down, this will get tricky, and in many cases it'll lead to an early goodnight if the asking person wants a RL.

 

january2011's answer is a good one.

 

Like I said before, what you want could change depending on the person. If I told a man I don't want to have children or get married again and that's something he did want... As you pointed out, maybe he'd call it a night and walk out on the date. What if I fell in love with this person down the road and the idea of not wanting to get married or have kids changed?

 

I think at the very least, you have to stay away from the heavy stuff.

 

I really feel put on the spot when a guy asks me this on the first date. As a woman- I wouldn't ask this question because it's, well A FIRST DATE...

A first date should be low pressure, light and fun.

 

My main concern on a first date is figuring out if we're compatible enough with our personalities to have a second date.

 

If you do online dating- you'll already know from there profile if they want a long term relationship, a fling, and whether or not they want children.

 

When I met my ex-H he told me he wasn't looking for a serious relationship, didn't want to get married, or have kids. I went out with him despite that because I wasn't looking for anything serious either. We fell for one another pretty quickly- and all that went out the window. We did end up together for over 8 years, got married... And now he is re-married with 3 kids.

[veggirl]

I would be completely weirded out if a guy asked that on a FIRST DATE. I completely agree with D-Lish.

 

To me, the type of person who asks those questions on a first date are the type of people who try to then establish an insta-relationship...talking 24/7, hanging out every day, etc. The type that jump in blindly because they want marriage or a relationship SO badly. It reeks of desperation, imo.

 

If people are on a DATE, it should be assumed that they are open to SEEING WHAT HAPPENS. If you legitimately do not want any type of committed relationship, don't date. This is how I've always operated, anyway... and I've found that men who legitimately have NO interest in a true relationship with me, don't take me on dates. They call to "hang out". If we do by chance go on a date or two... it's over before it begins cause they start to fade pretty quickly.

[veggirl]

Well, to answer the actual OP question.. I would say "what do you mean?" and see what they have to say. I assume it'd be something like "do you want a LTR?" in which case I'd say, "if that is where things take me" and smile.

[norajane]

Like I said before, what you want could change depending on the person. If I told a man I don't want to have children or get married again and that's something he did want... As you pointed out, maybe he'd call it a night and walk out on the date. What if I fell in love with this person down the road and the idea of not wanting to get married or have kids changed?

 

But what if you didn't change your mind? What if you fell in love with this person, and he with you, but you still didn't want marriage and children but he did? I think that would be a heartbreaking scenario, for both of you, and I can see why a person would want to avoid that risk.

 

I can see why people ask the questions, even on the first date. Life is too short, and in many cases too hard, to set yourself up for heartbreaks.