Jeremy's Coping Thread

[jfLip]

Hey guys,

 

I want to use this as a place to rant and stuff. My original story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299071/

 

- Together for almost 4 years (I'm 23 she's 20)

- Each other's first loves

- Faithful relationship that grew stale because we struggled developing as individuals

- Broke up 7 days ago, been NC since then

 

My biggest challenge right now is not looking at her Facebook. I already blocked her status updates, but my curiosity gets to me. I understand we both need time and for the better, it will allow us both to grow. But there's moments when I imagine holding her and it just makes me so sad that I don't know if I'll ever hold her again.

 

I'm trying to be strong though. I've been getting better each day. I would really appreciate if you guys would chat with me. If any of you are religious, please pray for both of us.

[jfLip]

Looking back... I DID push her away and she told me many times, but ultimately she's the one who broke up with me right? The thing is I tend to push friendships away...

[jfLip]

So last night was the first time I didn't stalk her Facebook and I feel much better. Fighting my curiosity is easier than being hurt from the overanalyzing of her comments/status updates. I have to focus on myself.

[jfLip]

So I can't help the stalking and saw she made a Twitter and her profile's quote is by Robert Frost - "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

 

Is she just moving on super fast??? It's not like I cheated on her or anything. Don't people deserve a second chance?!

 

Also, she's been blowing up Facebook like crazy - liking every status, posting up a lot more "happy" statuses than before. One of her close friends thinks it's just her way of coping with everything... Ladies, what do you think?

[jfLip]

She just SEEMS so happy and to be moving on like I did something terrible to her, but I didn't...

 

Any responses would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm struggling people

[sadvenus]

I think it's her way of coping.

 

I don't used to post on FB too but since we broke up, I tend to post more positive quotes to encourage and motivate myself. I went from 0 post per month to 1 to 2 posts a day. lol.

[BLuvv]

So I can't help the stalking and saw she made a Twitter and her profile's quote is by Robert Frost - "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

 

Is she just moving on super fast??? It's not like I cheated on her or anything. Don't people deserve a second chance?!

 

Also, she's been blowing up Facebook like crazy - liking every status, posting up a lot more "happy" statuses than before. One of her close friends thinks it's just her way of coping with everything... Ladies, what do you think?

 

I think that on Facebook you don't get a real sense of a person, it's just what they want to show the world. I think it's her way of trying to appear strong. And sometimes that is a way of moving on, trying to "fake it til you make it" kind of thinking. Also, I don't think happy people spend so much time on Facebook, truly happy people would be out doing stuff, not sitting around posting happy stuff on Facebook.

 

I did delete my ex from Facebook long ago- one of the best things I ever did- because checking up on them can do no good. Trust me, there is nothing you will read or see that will make you feel better, but plenty that could make you feel worse. I've since deleted my whole facebook because I realized it was making me depressed. I felt less connected to people than ever before. I've felt much better since I deleted my Facebook and I am so happy knowing I am not wasting so much time checking it all day long.

[jfLip]

Thanks for your response BLuvv. I'm proud of myself... haven't checked her Facebook for two days, but I did see some pictures of her and her friends that someone else put up. Nothing that made me angry or anything.

 

I'm really trying to accept that I'm single and that she walked out of my life, and that it's best for me to focus on other things.

[reimeivn]

it shows that they dont want you back. they might be hurt inside, but they dont want you back. i am talking about the fb thing btw.

[lymtal1]

j,

 

just read through your original thread. my gut feel is it is gigs. you both are at that very vulnerable gigs age. if you have not read wilsonx's gigs thread look it up and read it. he is the resident gigs "expert". he usually hits it on the head most of the time.

 

no matter, there is one important thing that you need to do right now to recapture control. begin all your focus on you. i know you have been doing much of that. continue.

 

next because there is nothing good that can come of it, stop looking at her facebook, delete her for now if you have to. and get rid of any other mutual friends there that can give you an update of her in anyway. trust me on this.

 

she seemed to make it clear that she needs her space and given this stay out of her space. you really don't want to know what she is doing or who she may be doing it with. you can't handle it right now. this will drive you completely crazy and you really have not seen anything that is that bad as of yet. keep it that way. the less you know the better. so given that, now is the time to stop trying to find out what is up with her. if you see something that is very bad you are going to be in much worse shape believe me.

 

you state that she seems to be moving on. i would say that you are correct. this is very typical when this type of breakup occurs. she more than likely needs to find out who she is outside of the relationship. it has nothing to do with anythiing you did wrong to her. you were more than likely a very good boyfriend. this just happens to people and is a very natural thing. it happened to me and to many out here. i understand that it is easy to blame yourself, don't.

 

so recap. stop all the facebook mess. stay completely away. if you can't, deactivate your account for a period of time. it seems this is the number one issue you have right now. you didn't mention that you were having trouble with any other contacting. if true that is great.

 

now the positive stuff. you are doing the right things meaning focusing on you. keep that up and ratchet it up a notch or two. you seem to have a rational head on your shoulders. this will be tough to get through i'm not going to tell you any different. it will take time and discipline. you will get through it if you do the right thiings, complete no contact and self improvement. keep posting out here as YOU make changes to YOU. you will not be perfect so don't be upset if you falter. we all do and did. just get back up and realize this is a long journey. won't end tomorrow, but each day will be better if you do the right things.

 

and sure about the prayers:)

[brokenheartedinaz]

As hard as it is try not to look at FB it only makes it worse and tortures you. I am guilty of this too. My ex blocked me, my kids , and everyone else close to me on FB. He said he couldn't handle seeing all the pain he put me through. LAst week my son made a new FB profile so he could re-add the ex. I told him he can talk to him but not to talk about me, since I am trying NC. The sad thing is, I can't help but peek at his profile when my son doesn't log off. I haven't seen anything yet heartbreaking or anything to push me over the edge. He's not posting crazy stuff or talking about to girls but I still need to stop cyberstalkng him. It's unhealthy and makes me feel crazy! I did see he messaged my son asking him how my daughter is doing and if he is taking good care of mom. I've decided to try my hardest not to look anymore, for it makes me want to contact him even more.

[PositiveNegative]

J,

 

Story is similar to mine. My ex is 20 as well. I wasn't my girlfriend's first bf but I was her first love. Read my threads to check out my story. It's GIGS... mine even said the same stuff about not knowing I am the one unless she started dating other people. It sucks man because there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her feelings on that. The only thing that could possibly bring our exes back is time and other relationships. Mine has already started a new relationship and it hurt like hell to find out. It's sad, I know because if you're like me then you are probably wishing that you met her later in life so she would have a better understanding of love of relationships. There is so much about timing in relationships.

 

I wish you luck in your journey J.

[jfLip]

j,

 

just read through your original thread. my gut feel is it is gigs. you both are at that very vulnerable gigs age. if you have not read wilsonx's gigs thread look it up and read it. he is the resident gigs "expert". he usually hits it on the head most of the time.

 

no matter, there is one important thing that you need to do right now to recapture control. begin all your focus on you. i know you have been doing much of that. continue.

 

next because there is nothing good that can come of it, stop looking at her facebook, delete her for now if you have to. and get rid of any other mutual friends there that can give you an update of her in anyway. trust me on this.

 

she seemed to make it clear that she needs her space and given this stay out of her space. you really don't want to know what she is doing or who she may be doing it with. you can't handle it right now. this will drive you completely crazy and you really have not seen anything that is that bad as of yet. keep it that way. the less you know the better. so given that, now is the time to stop trying to find out what is up with her. if you see something that is very bad you are going to be in much worse shape believe me.

 

you state that she seems to be moving on. i would say that you are correct. this is very typical when this type of breakup occurs. she more than likely needs to find out who she is outside of the relationship. it has nothing to do with anythiing you did wrong to her. you were more than likely a very good boyfriend. this just happens to people and is a very natural thing. it happened to me and to many out here. i understand that it is easy to blame yourself, don't.

 

so recap. stop all the facebook mess. stay completely away. if you can't, deactivate your account for a period of time. it seems this is the number one issue you have right now. you didn't mention that you were having trouble with any other contacting. if true that is great.

 

now the positive stuff. you are doing the right things meaning focusing on you. keep that up and ratchet it up a notch or two. you seem to have a rational head on your shoulders. this will be tough to get through i'm not going to tell you any different. it will take time and discipline. you will get through it if you do the right thiings, complete no contact and self improvement. keep posting out here as YOU make changes to YOU. you will not be perfect so don't be upset if you falter. we all do and did. just get back up and realize this is a long journey. won't end tomorrow, but each day will be better if you do the right things.

 

and sure about the prayers:)

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply lymtal1. I really appreciate it. It's "funny" because I had many instances of GIGS during our relationship but she would always fight for me and win. You're interpretation of my story seems very accurate, especially the part about her needing to find who she is outside of the relationship. That's exactly what she said. She's a good person with good morals and values and trustworthy, but I'm trying not to let my imagination win that she's all of a sudden going to go wild.

 

It's been two weeks of NC now and I am getting better each day, of course with moments of struggle. I'm just trying to re-build my confidence and be that awkwardly funny, sexy guy I am

[jfLip]

J,

 

Story is similar to mine. My ex is 20 as well. I wasn't my girlfriend's first bf but I was her first love. Read my threads to check out my story. It's GIGS... mine even said the same stuff about not knowing I am the one unless she started dating other people. It sucks man because there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her feelings on that. The only thing that could possibly bring our exes back is time and other relationships. Mine has already started a new relationship and it hurt like hell to find out. It's sad, I know because if you're like me then you are probably wishing that you met her later in life so she would have a better understanding of love of relationships. There is so much about timing in relationships.

 

I wish you luck in your journey J.

 

Hey PN. I just skimmed through the threads you started and I'm sorry for everything you've been through. Hang in there and keep your head up man. You're not the only one going through this; this can only make us stronger. If you would like we can exchange emails to help each other get through this rough time.

 

I'm trying to view the positives that's coming out of this break up. It has made me look at how I treat people. I knew I was being critical of her and not being a good listener/communicator, but I guess this is making me reflect on who I am as a person.

 

She knows I have bad habits that I picked up from my Dad and how he treated people and knows it's hard to change, but I did treat her well and care for her. When we first started dating, her biggest fear seemed to be being cheated on because she was "cheated" on in a junior high relationship. Yes, very young - but it was an experience that seemed to make her distrustful of guys.

 

I was very faithful to her besides the "being a guy and checking out other girls" (it's biological ) and she definitely appreciated that she could trust me. I hope she remembers all the good times and hardships we shared, but at this time I NEED to take care of my own interests, for my own sake. In the back of my mind, I hope that she'll eventually realize what we had, but I'm trying to suppress that. My problem is I KNOW what I must do, but I don't take action.

[jfLip]

it shows that they dont want you back. they might be hurt inside, but they dont want you back. i am talking about the fb thing btw.

 

Is that you in your avatar? Haha

[PositiveNegative]

Hey man,

 

Yeah if you wanna PM about it I would be more than happy to chat about the hardships. There is a lot to learn from this. This too is my first real break up and I am learning alot and I know for sure that I will be much better for my next girlfriend.

 

The thing is, our exes need this time to grow, but we must also take this time to grow for ourselves. They know that too. For my ex, I guess she wants to "grow" with another guy, that is her choice and I trust she will find what she is looking for good or bad. It sounds like you had a very good relationship, I have no doubt that our exes will someday realize what was lost when they left. Doesn't mean they will come back but at the very least we will hear from them again.

[jfLip]

Hey man,

 

Yeah if you wanna PM about it I would be more than happy to chat about the hardships. There is a lot to learn from this. This too is my first real break up and I am learning alot and I know for sure that I will be much better for my next girlfriend.

 

The thing is, our exes need this time to grow, but we must also take this time to grow for ourselves. They know that too. For my ex, I guess she wants to "grow" with another guy, that is her choice and I trust she will find what she is looking for good or bad. It sounds like you had a very good relationship, I have no doubt that our exes will someday realize what was lost when they left. Doesn't mean they will come back but at the very least we will hear from them again.

 

True dude. My ex's primary reason was that she needed to find herself and from her explanation and thinking back on it, she really does and it would be unfair for me to keep her. She admitted she needed to be selfish at this time, but whatever - she walked out on my life, bottom line. But they made their moves man, it's time to focus on ours.

 

While this sucks real bad and life is kicking us in the face, it's a learning experience for the better. It's a time to better ourselves, discover things about ourselves we didn't know before, and develop character.

 

I don't know if any of you are religious, but "God helps those who help themselves."

[jfLip]

So it's day 15 of NC and I'm doing all right. The beginning of the week is always tough because she broke up with me on a Monday.

 

There's some background info I've withheld, I'll use made up names to make it easier... So my bestfriend of 15+ years (Bob) and his girlfriend (Jane) have been going out for a little over 4 years. My ex and I used to be very close with them. My ex, Bob, and all knew each other before Jane came into the picture, and Bob was the one who introduced me to my ex. There were some things I didn't like about Jane but didn't make any big deal. Overtime I became critical of their relationship and mainly who Jane was as a person. A lot of drama happened and my ex and I fell out with them. My ex thought everyone could've handled situations better, but she had to take my side obviously. But recently she's been saying me and her need to be the bigger people, forgive them and move forward because we really did have fun as a group.

 

This past weekend a friend who has a general understanding about the whole situation told me that my ex went up to Jane when they were both out at a Happy Hour and gave her a hug. I'm assuming they were at least a little tipsy, but apparently my ex was trying to make amends; Jane was very shocked. I have no idea why, but my best guess is that since they have the same circle of friends, it's take a lot more energy to hate someone than it does to forgive them.

 

The past summer I've been having epiphanies about reaching out to Bob to fix things, because we had a unique brotherly relationship. However, I never did so and I know it's bad to hold a grudge and I feel bad about it. My criticisms of Bob and Jane affected me and my ex's relationship because it made me self-conscious about being hypocritical.

 

Just as I was about to send a text to Bob (haven't talked to him in a year), a mutual friend told me it's not a good idea because he recently talked to Bob and Bob said he would ignore my calls/texts. I imagine he's still hurt by what I did and thinks I'm just trying to crawl back because of my breakup. In my mind I was imagining a grand scheme of life coming full circle. My ex makes peace with Jane, I make peace with Bob, I get back with my ex, and we all live happily ever after. If only life were that easy...

 

Guys please pray for all of us and help keep me sane...

[jfLip]

I guess what I was trying to get at was that -- if my ex had enough will and goodness in her heart to just hug an enemy (an attempt to reconcile?), wouldn't she have it in her heart to at least contact me sometime? We went through 100x more stuff than her and Jane did and our relationship was such a big part of our lives...

[jfLip]

So I'm stupid and clicked on her Facebook and yep, saw a WHOLE BUNCH of stuff I didn't like. She's SEEMINGLY a different person - talking about all these parties meeting all these slutty looking girls. ALL my fears of her acting like a person I know she isn't came true.

 

SO BLOWN...

[jfLip]

So I took a big step and found a Google Chrome extension to block her Facebook and Twitter. Day 23 of NC. I still get moments of sadness & regret, but it has become easier...