Should i tell his wife the truth?

[geek101]

She just called me. We spoke. I explained everything. She wanted to know a few more things and i told her. It was a polite discussion. She asked me if there was anything else i wanted to say and i took the chance to warn her that when she tells him she knows, he will lie more.

 

Surprisingly, she told me....yes he will definitely do that, act like he has done nothing wrong, act like some big man.

 

I told her that at least now she has the choice, based on the truth. I got in there first and told her that he is likely to tell her i am crazy, etc. But that everything i had told her today was true.

 

She asked something in particular about him coming on sundays....so she must have realised this...and i said, that yes, sometimes he would pick me up in the car on sunday nights.

 

I feel better, having spoke to her. She sounded a lot stronger today, thank God. She was asking me...how could he love me and do this?

 

What could i say to that?

 

Anyway, it's over. I'm glad i did it. Thanks to all of you.

[Angelina527]

That was very courageous of you, and definitely the right thing to do. You showed compassion and gave her the truth at a time when she needed it the most.

 

Now, as someone else said, it's time to be kind to yourself. Likely, this will be something that will bother you for a very long time, but it's very important that you allow yourself the gift of your forgiveness.

[woinlove]

Geek, you did the right thing. Those feelings of guilt, of feeling bad about how she has been hurt, are because you expect better of yourself. And that means there is a lot of good in you. Accept that you expect better of yourself. But also acknowledge that you are now behaving in an honest and compassionate way. You extended honesty and respect to his W and that was a good thing to do. So be kind to yourself too.

[MissBee]

Hi

I recently split from a married man but last week, we got back together for a talk that ended up with us having sex. (I know, i know, big mistake)

 

The next day his wife looked through his phone and found all our text messages. I was in a kind of shock and it seemed so surreal to me, i couldn't believe it was happening. I know it's a cliche, but i truly never wanted to hurt her.

 

He threw me under the bus promptly, texting me never to contact him and that he wanted this to end. No problem.

 

She called me that night and my God, she was the sweetest woman i have ever spoken to...even apologised for bothering me late at night, telling me that it wasn't my fault, that she blamed her husband, etc.

 

I am very ashamed to say that i covered for him when she called me. He had texted me earlier telling me what to say (that nothing happened, that the other night was the only time he had come to my house and that was only to tell me i had to stop bothering him)

 

Looking back, i don't know why i didn't tell her the truth there and then. I think actually speaking to her on the phone and hearing her sweet voice, i felt like i couldn't do anything else to hurt her more.

 

since then, i have struggled with this and every fibre of my being tells me to text her again (she even sent me a text the next morning, saying...thanks) and tell her the truth.

 

Now this is what compounds this feeling for me. I have spoken to him 3 times since this happened, because i wanted to know what was going on. NOT so i could see him again, but because i was interested to know how he was dealing with it.

 

In 3 conversations, not once have i heard him say anything about how he has hurt her. I'm coming to realise what a despicable man he truly is. I knew he never loved me, but to know how he is lying to her even now...wow.

 

And then yesterday...i spoke to him for the third time and he told me these little gems:

 

"She's not accepting what i am telling her...I told her...I Told you, she told you, why aren't you believing me?"

 

"I got angry with her because she said she needed time. I said, fine, have your time and when you realise i am right, tell me."

 

Yes. Wow.

 

I know i have done wrong in the first place....i know i did wrong in covering for him. But by God, i want to do the right thing now and tell her.

 

Because all i keep thinking, is....he's treating her like ****, he's basically saying to her...accept what i am telling you and stop trying to figure this out yourself.

 

The text messages she found were explicit in their meaning...it was obvious that we had been having sex, and yet he is expecting her to believe otherwise. It must be driving her insane. She doesn't deserve this.

 

Should i tell her the truth?

 

I can't sleep, i am breaking out in rashes and spots...I think i have already made up my mind but i'd like to know what you guys and gals think.

 

Yes...if it is bothering you that much, you should tell her the truth.

 

She already knows he's a liar, so might as well put the final nail in the coffin.

 

He doesn't deserve anyone "covering for him" as surely he threw you under the bus at a moment's notice and surely he seems to be quite unconcerned about you or her but only himself....he's quite sickening.

 

I say, tell her.

[MissBee]

She just called me. We spoke. I explained everything. She wanted to know a few more things and i told her. It was a polite discussion. She asked me if there was anything else i wanted to say and i took the chance to warn her that when she tells him she knows, he will lie more.

 

Surprisingly, she told me....yes he will definitely do that, act like he has done nothing wrong, act like some big man.

 

I told her that at least now she has the choice, based on the truth. I got in there first and told her that he is likely to tell her i am crazy, etc. But that everything i had told her today was true.

 

She asked something in particular about him coming on sundays....so she must have realised this...and i said, that yes, sometimes he would pick me up in the car on sunday nights.

 

I feel better, having spoke to her. She sounded a lot stronger today, thank God. She was asking me...how could he love me and do this?

 

What could i say to that?

 

Anyway, it's over. I'm glad i did it. Thanks to all of you .

 

I didn't see this before my other response.

 

Good for you and I do hope she recovers from this.

 

When you see people's humanity in these situations it really highlights how these types of triangulated, secret relations are just not okay...no matter what. NOBODY, not the OW, BS, WS wants to be lied to, deceived, betrayed, played for a fool etc. Nobody wants that. If you don't like it for yourself, then don't do it to others. We all make mistakes yes, but learning and growing and becoming better are what it's about.

[jwi71]

Here's a question for you geek - and I do NOT mean this as a jab, insult or anything else - its a question for YOU about YOU.

 

And I think it will help you learn and grow - I hope you take as intended.

 

Why are you so worried about the W now?

Why does the act of telling cause such angst today when previously it did not?

Why does telling about the A illicit this response when the actual act did not?

 

Some things to think about.

In time, your answers, provided you share them, WILL change.

 

And yes, she DESERVES to know.

[2sure]

Hey.

 

When my ex husband the serial cheating pathological liar was still a part of my life....the hardest thing for me was to basically know the truth, having seen/read it with my own eyes and then have the man I adored and trusted not to hurt me...tell me it wasnt happening.

 

Eventually I caught onto the fact that if I wanted to verify my thoughts, feelings, or even proof... that the truth was not going to come from him.

I contacted OW (plural) and got the truth. Most of the time. Some covered, sure - usually because they were married. But the others...it was as though once they spoke to me woman to woman and realized i just wanted the truth and didnt hate them for their involvement in my husbands issue...they were forthcoming , nice, and apologetic. (although that was not really necessary for me personally)

 

Tell her. Its the decent thing to do for someone who has asked for help.

[2sure]

Oops. Didnt read the whole thread. SO glad you told her. It was good for you to do.

[FirstNobleTruth]

Geek, Thank you for the courage and grace you showed in telling her the truth. It was the best thing you could do to make amends in your situation, and I hope you will find some peace from it. I always say, be as nice to yourself as you are to everyone else; so, today, take a step back, and really admit to yourself that you did a good thing TODAY.

 

After my H's affair, I reached out to the OW by email, asking her to meet with me so we could look each other in the eyes and see each other as real people, not stock characters. She declined; "not ready." I get that she had no reason to think I really meant to leave it at that, instead of raging or moralizing or--oh, I don't know--gloating? (As if!) Still, what I took as her unwillingness to see me as a real person saddened me for a long time. You took that hard step, and let the BW feel "seen." Something her H seems too self-involved to do.

 

Ya done good, Geek!

[geek101]

To all of you, i want to say thank you. I haven't done much apart from think about this since it happened, and last night especially, i was wondering how things were going. But yesterday, she DID sound stronger on the phone and particularly when she told me she knew he would lie more...i thought...good for her..she's prepared for that at least.

 

I hope they can work things out. I feel bad of course for my part in this, but i hope they can work things out.

 

When she said that about him...that he will act like he hasn't done anything wrong and act like some big man...that struck a chord with me. For 10 months, this man played me so well, i believed everything was my fault. He twisted and turned everything, ruined my self esteem and made me think i was insane...my expectations of how i should be treated came down so low.

 

And all that time i did think it was ME. To hear her say that...makes me realise that perhaps this is how he is in general. So as well as telling her the truth and giving her that respect, i also weirdly feel vindicated myself. Like...hey..it wasn't ME....he's a total ******* with her too. Which sounds bad i know.

 

In the end thats what disgusted me about him; The fact that he would constantly tell me that he loved her, truly loved her, she was the perfect wife, and yet he treated her like crap when push came to shove.

 

So thank you to everyone. I think i would have told her, most definitely, but all your responses, gave me that final confirmation that it was the right thing to do.

[geek101]

Here's a question for you geek - and I do NOT mean this as a jab, insult or anything else - its a question for YOU about YOU.

 

And I think it will help you learn and grow - I hope you take as intended.

 

Why are you so worried about the W now?

Why does the act of telling cause such angst today when previously it did not?

Why does telling about the A illicit this response when the actual act did not?

 

Some things to think about.

In time, your answers, provided you share them, WILL change.

 

And yes, she DESERVES to know.

 

 

Hi jwi71. Thanks for your post, I understand why you are asking these questions so i will try to answer them.

 

Why are you so worried about the W now?

 

Simply because she found out and i can imagine for the first time how she is feeling. Especially since he is still lying to her. My own father would do this to my mother...cheat on her and then make her feel like she was crazy for not believing him. So i started thinking...she's never going to have piece of mind, never going to be able to allay those worries she has. And it wasn't fair.

 

Why does the act of telling cause such angst today when previously it did not?

 

Because he was still lying to her. I never really thought about being found out but when it happened, i did think he would tell her the truth. In fact, i recall him saying to me, if she ever finds out, i will explain everything. He didn't. So it became my responsibility...that's how i saw it.

 

Why does telling about the A illicit this response when the actual act did not?

 

Shamefully..because she didn't know. Therefore her pain wasn't there and therefore neither was my guilt. Writing that down sounds ****ing terrible. It's like it's ok to do anything as long as no-one knows. Which is really not my general philosophy for life. I would never, for example, steal something as long as i knew i wouldn't be found out. So yes, writing that down in simple terms like that..... "she didn't know, everything was a-ok" sounds really bad.

 

Needless to say i will never have a relationship like this again. It's not right. I've come through my own learning experience with this. I never, ever want to be the cause of someone else's pain like i have been with her. It's not fair on her and it wasn't fair on her in the beginning either. I showed her no respect when i was sleeping with her husband and all of a sudden, i'm feeling all good because i FINALLY did show her some. That sucks.

 

Ok, you have definitely given me some things to think about. Thank you.

[geek101]

2sure and Firstnobletruth.....i applaud you for having gone through the experiences you have, and then are able to come on here and show such grace towards someone like me. I think that must be a really hard thing to do.

 

I hope everything worked out for you in the end.

[FirstNobleTruth]

"2sure and Firstnobletruth.....i applaud you for having gone through the experiences you have, and then are able to come on here and show such grace towards someone like me. I think that must be a really hard thing to do.

 

I hope everything worked out for you in the end."

 

 

Thanks, Geek, it's healing to hear you say that.

 

And: Ditto to you! (^_^)

[Lostinlife4now]

I just had this VERY conversation with xMM yesterday,...shouldn't your wife know what you have been doing for 7 years?

 

His answer: You will destroy my family if you do that.......Well you certainly were not thinking about your family when you were with me for 7 years and telling me how much you loved me....DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

 

In my mind I think the W HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW who she is married to. And I told him IT MUST COME FROM HIM....but he is too much of a pu... to even go there....He would never mess up his HOLY GRAIL.....(family)

 

I am still in the decision making process of letting the W know that she has been living a lie all of this time..If it were me, no children or children I WOULD STILL WANT TO KNOW.......

[RainDown]

Hi jwi71. Thanks for your post, I understand why you are asking these questions so i will try to answer them.

 

Why are you so worried about the W now?

 

Simply because she found out and i can imagine for the first time how she is feeling. Especially since he is still lying to her. My own father would do this to my mother...cheat on her and then make her feel like she was crazy for not believing him. So i started thinking...she's never going to have piece of mind, never going to be able to allay those worries she has. And it wasn't fair.

 

Why does the act of telling cause such angst today when previously it did not?

 

Because he was still lying to her. I never really thought about being found out but when it happened, i did think he would tell her the truth. In fact, i recall him saying to me, if she ever finds out, i will explain everything. He didn't. So it became my responsibility...that's how i saw it.

 

Why does telling about the A illicit this response when the actual act did not?

 

Shamefully..because she didn't know. Therefore her pain wasn't there and therefore neither was my guilt. Writing that down sounds ****ing terrible. It's like it's ok to do anything as long as no-one knows. Which is really not my general philosophy for life. I would never, for example, steal something as long as i knew i wouldn't be found out. So yes, writing that down in simple terms like that..... "she didn't know, everything was a-ok" sounds really bad.

 

Needless to say i will never have a relationship like this again. It's not right. I've come through my own learning experience with this. I never, ever want to be the cause of someone else's pain like i have been with her. It's not fair on her and it wasn't fair on her in the beginning either. I showed her no respect when i was sleeping with her husband and all of a sudden, i'm feeling all good because i FINALLY did show her some. That sucks.

 

Ok, you have definitely given me some things to think about. Thank you.

 

We all think like that when in the midst of an affair. Kind of, "What the BS doesn't know won't hurt him/her." The MM thinks it, the MW thinks it, the OM thinks it, and the OW thinks it. It's part and parcel of justifying the affair, so don't beat yourself up over it.

 

Of course, when the BS does find out, that changes everything. Now they DO know and the playing field becomes very different. The situation changes for the BS and at that point what they don't know DOES hurt them. It drives them crazy in fact. I think the only humane thing to do once the BS has some of the story is to give him/her all of it if he/she asks.

 

We all conduct our affairs like we are never going to be caught. It's supposed to be OUR secret and it's all OK because no one is ever going to know. I think once it blows up in our faces though, the only thing left to do is man/woman up and face the consequences. Once of which may very well be answering difficult questions from the BS.

 

You did the right thing by telling her.

[KathyM]

Hi

I recently split from a married man but last week, we got back together for a talk that ended up with us having sex. (I know, i know, big mistake)

 

The next day his wife looked through his phone and found all our text messages. I was in a kind of shock and it seemed so surreal to me, i couldn't believe it was happening. I know it's a cliche, but i truly never wanted to hurt her.

 

He threw me under the bus promptly, texting me never to contact him and that he wanted this to end. No problem.

 

She called me that night and my God, she was the sweetest woman i have ever spoken to...even apologised for bothering me late at night, telling me that it wasn't my fault, that she blamed her husband, etc.

 

I am very ashamed to say that i covered for him when she called me. He had texted me earlier telling me what to say (that nothing happened, that the other night was the only time he had come to my house and that was only to tell me i had to stop bothering him)

 

Looking back, i don't know why i didn't tell her the truth there and then. I think actually speaking to her on the phone and hearing her sweet voice, i felt like i couldn't do anything else to hurt her more.

 

since then, i have struggled with this and every fibre of my being tells me to text her again (she even sent me a text the next morning, saying...thanks) and tell her the truth.

 

Now this is what compounds this feeling for me. I have spoken to him 3 times since this happened, because i wanted to know what was going on. NOT so i could see him again, but because i was interested to know how he was dealing with it.

 

In 3 conversations, not once have i heard him say anything about how he has hurt her. I'm coming to realise what a despicable man he truly is. I knew he never loved me, but to know how he is lying to her even now...wow.

 

And then yesterday...i spoke to him for the third time and he told me these little gems:

 

"She's not accepting what i am telling her...I told her...I Told you, she told you, why aren't you believing me?"

 

"I got angry with her because she said she needed time. I said, fine, have your time and when you realise i am right, tell me."

 

Yes. Wow.

 

I know i have done wrong in the first place....i know i did wrong in covering for him. But by God, i want to do the right thing now and tell her.

 

Because all i keep thinking, is....he's treating her like ****, he's basically saying to her...accept what i am telling you and stop trying to figure this out yourself.

 

The text messages she found were explicit in their meaning...it was obvious that we had been having sex, and yet he is expecting her to believe otherwise. It must be driving her insane. She doesn't deserve this.

 

Should i tell her the truth?

 

I can't sleep, i am breaking out in rashes and spots...I think i have already made up my mind but i'd like to know what you guys and gals think.

Yes, tell her the truth. It's the right thing to do. What is agonizing to people is not knowing the truth and thinking you are either losing your mind, paranoid, or dilusional because your gut is telling you one thing and you are hearing something else. Please put this woman out of her misery. The truth, although hard to hear, is easier for people to handle than the stress they feel when they know something is wrong, but don't know how to deal with it or exactly what it is. It's not right to allow her to continue living a lie with a man who would do that to her. She sounds like a very nice woman. She deserves someone who will treat her well, respect her and love her. Not a snake in the grass who will lie to her. Tell her the truth and expose this bad man for the liar that he is.

[KathyM]

Kathy.........she has already told her.

Opps, my bad. Yes, I see the recent post now where she says she talked to the wife and laid it all out for her. I'm happy to see that it is all out in the open now where people can deal with it. And to the OP, I admire your courage, and your willingness to do the right thing. Thank you for that.

[fellhard4u]

What if, despite telling the BW the truth and backing it up with written "evidence", she defends her H and accuses the OW of being the one who wanted to continue the A by leveraging MM's desire for the BW not to find out about the A?

 

After the A was exposed to our families and to our employer by a series of anonymous emails, xMM threw me under the bus BIG TIME. His actions after that DD have shown him capable of a cruelty and callousness that I did not expect from someone that I had given my heart to. He showed such disregard and lack of concern for me not only as a person with whom he had a close relationship with, but as a human being.

 

And he did it all in order to make himself look better in the eyes of BW and of our employer and to minimize the consequences to him at my expense.

 

About a month after DD, I reached out to BW via email and aplogized to her for my role in helping to deceive her. I also offered to speak with her in person and to answer any of her questions honestly.

I truly believed that she had the right to know that xMM's account of our A ("I continued to pursue him after ending the A":rolleyes: etc.) was not accurate and that he was misrepresenting what really happened with the intention of continuing to deceive BW.

 

To me, it seemed that after everything, the least xMM could do was to be completely honest with BW and not further disrespect her by keeping her in the dark about what really transpired.

 

Her response to me via email was surprising considering that the written evidence I had sent her left no doubt about truly happened.

 

This just shows that telling the BW/BH might not be "well-received" by the BS and that their reaction to the information you provide them might be surprising.

[fooled once]

geek,

 

So proud of you for being honest with the wife. Kudo's to you and I am honestly glad you have to experience her hurt and pain; it will help you in the future when/if you are approached by another married man.

 

fell,

 

are you sure the wife got the info and not the MM? Many married couples have access to each others email. And remember also, her husband has probably laid the ground work that you are some nut job who will go to any length to hurt him/her. You are a crazy woman who he tried to befriend only to have you go psycho on him and think the friendship was an affair, etc. So while you think she didn't listen, you have to remember how good of a liar the MM is and how he will defend himself and screw over anyone else in order to get his wife to believe him. Which I cannot understand since so many of these MM allegedly want 'out' of their marriage. They are presented with a golden opportunity and yet do nothing....

[RainDown]

geek,

 

So proud of you for being honest with the wife. Kudo's to you and I am honestly glad you have to experience her hurt and pain; it will help you in the future when/if you are approached by another married man.

 

fell,

 

are you sure the wife got the info and not the MM? Many married couples have access to each others email. And remember also, her husband has probably laid the ground work that you are some nut job who will go to any length to hurt him/her. You are a crazy woman who he tried to befriend only to have you go psycho on him and think the friendship was an affair, etc. So while you think she didn't listen, you have to remember how good of a liar the MM is and how he will defend himself and screw over anyone else in order to get his wife to believe him. Which I cannot understand since so many of these MM allegedly want 'out' of their marriage. They are presented with a golden opportunity and yet do nothing....

 

I've never believed MM wanted out of their marriages. If they did, they'd get a divorce, not a girlfriend. I don't think MM who have affairs are looking for a new wife; they already have one of those. They want something that adds to the life they already have, not changes it. I believe most MM will happily stay in affairs for years, having a wife, a family, a position in the community, financial security, extended families of in-laws and grandchildren and all of those things that make them a good family man. The affair provides excitement, love, ego stroking, a simple escape, and makes them feel desirable without all the mundane aspects of daily life.

 

Not many OW will stick around for that for very long, so what choice does the MM have except to dangle a carrot suggestive of a future with the OW which will never happen? He can't tell her the truth - which is "you are the cherry on the top of my hot fudge sunday of life, but I'm certainly not going to give up the whole hot fudge sunday only to be left with the cherry." You see this in action when his hot fudge sunday is truly threatened - the OW goes right under the bus while he tells his wife what a psycho stalker she is or denies the relationship altogether. MM may be madly in love with his cherry, but she's not an absolute necessity when push comes to shove.

 

But I digress. Back to the original point - A man who wants out of his marriage gets a divorce, not a GF who fills in that last missing piece that now makes his life complete.

[Lostinlife4now]

I've never believed MM wanted out of their marriages. If they did, they'd get a divorce, not a girlfriend. I don't think MM who have affairs are looking for a new wife; they already have one of those. They want something that adds to the life they already have, not changes it. I believe most MM will happily stay in affairs for years, having a wife, a family, a position in the community, financial security, extended families of in-laws and grandchildren and all of those things that make them a good family man. The affair provides excitement, love, ego stroking, a simple escape, and makes them feel desirable without all the mundane aspects of daily life.

 

Not many OW will stick around for that for very long, so what choice does the MM have except to dangle a carrot suggestive of a future with the OW which will never happen? He can't tell her the truth - which is "you are the cherry on the top of my hot fudge sunday of life, but I'm certainly not going to give up the whole hot fudge sunday only to be left with the cherry." You see this in action when his hot fudge sunday is truly threatened - the OW goes right under the bus while he tells his wife what a psycho stalker she is or denies the relationship altogether. MM may be madly in love with his cherry, but she's not an absolute necessity when push comes to shove.

 

BBut I digress. Back to the original point - A man who wants out of his marriage gets a divorce, not a GF who fills in that last missing piece that now makes his life complete.

 

Raindown: A man who wants out of his marriage gets a divorce, not a GF who fills in that last missing piece that now makes his life complete.

 

No TRUER words were ever written. Thank you.....

[fellhard4u]

Gosh, I'm not picking on you fell, but exchange a couple of words and this could be the BS talking. It just shows the parallel. I wish more OW could see this before they have to experience it first hand

 

Before the A was exposed to our families and to our employer (or our friends) by a series of anonymous emails, my H threw me under the bus BIG TIME. His actions before that DD have shown him capable of a cruelty and callousness that I did not expect from someone that I had given my heart to. He showed such disregard and lack of concern for me not only as a person with whom he had a close relationship with, but as a human being.

 

And he did it all in order to make himself look better in the eyes of OW and of our employer (our friends) and to minimize the consequences to him at my expense.

 

To me, it seemed that after everything, the least my H could do was to be completely honest with OW and not further disrespect her by keeping her in the dark about what really transpired.

 

Hi Sad, what you did with what I wrote in my post totally made me realize that most everything in this A and post A situation is all a matter of perspective. Thank you for pointing this out. It is exactly why reading and posting on LS has been so helpful in getting past the hurt and in getting insight.

 

BTW, I so agree with you that xMM has treated his BW VERY poorly. He most likely has been doing so for a very long time and, by all appearances, will continue to do so. My contacting her and sending her the evidence was my way of letting her know that he was not being honest with her, even after the A was revealed.

 

BW is free to choose how to interpret the evidence and I still believe contacting her and sending her the evidence was the right thing to.