Im a dirty snooper..and ive got what i deserve!

[Hote204]

First off, a brief history. My partner and i split for a few months for several reasons. 1> He was being a dick to me. 2> He was ALWAYS flirting online with other chicks. 3> I caught him lying about giving his number to another girl and getting racy text's off another girl.

 

It all got to be too much. However, after we split he promised me everything.Commitment, change, honesty.We had been going good for the last few months however..i am ashamed to admit but i snooped on his fb. The reason why is that i was thinking of agreeing to marry him and just wanted to "check" that all was good and the promises were being kept.

 

However..i found 3 things.

1: Messages between him and his ex trying to meet up (he claims they are friends and its nothing). There was some sexuall flirting there about getting naked and she kept asking him to meet up.

2; A message from someone, who it appears he has dated once, telling him he's attractive followed by one saying "i take it you are drunk to call me at 3.00am". He denies he called her.

3: Mesasges from a girl at work asking him out and referring to their usual emails saying she has left him a present. This appears to die off to which he has messaged her asking if he has done something to upset her. This is around the time photo's of the pair of us appear on fb, which she will have no doubt noticed.

 

now, i cant believe it really. I risked everything to get back with him. My family really hate him and i risked losing them for this dick head.

 

I am in shock. He is totally playing this down, saying ive got it all wrong but do you think they above is bad?? I have lost all sense of reality of what is a "normal" relationship.

[KathyM]

First off, a brief history. My partner and i split for a few months for several reasons. 1> He was being a dick to me. 2> He was ALWAYS flirting online with other chicks. 3> I caught him lying about giving his number to another girl and getting racy text's off another girl.

 

It all got to be too much. However, after we split he promised me everything.Commitment, change, honesty.We had been going good for the last few months however..i am ashamed to admit but i snooped on his fb. The reason why is that i was thinking of agreeing to marry him and just wanted to "check" that all was good and the promises were being kept.

 

However..i found 3 things.

1: Messages between him and his ex trying to meet up (he claims they are friends and its nothing). There was some sexuall flirting there about getting naked and she kept asking him to meet up.

2; A message from someone, who it appears he has dated once, telling him he's attractive followed by one saying "i take it you are drunk to call me at 3.00am". He denies he called her.

3: Mesasges from a girl at work asking him out and referring to their usual emails saying she has left him a present. This appears to die off to which he has messaged her asking if he has done something to upset her. This is around the time photo's of the pair of us appear on fb, which she will have no doubt noticed.

 

now, i cant believe it really. I risked everything to get back with him. My family really hate him and i risked losing them for this dick head.

 

I am in shock. He is totally playing this down, saying ive got it all wrong but do you think they above is bad?? I have lost all sense of reality of what is a "normal" relationship.

If you're looking for a monogamous relationship, this guy ain't it. He's a player, and is making promises to you that he has no intention of keeping, just to string you along and keep you as an option. Do yourself a favor and tell him to take a hike. He's also a liar and a manipulator, and is saying whatever he thinks you want to hear and whatever will get you to stay, even though it is not the truth. Time to leave this bum and find someone who actually wants a relationship with just one woman.

[Hote204]

Oh i hear ya! I am a mixed bag of emotions today. Anger at him for being such an arse, mixed with confusion (is it REALLY that bad), tainted with a real "you know, you have pushed me that far that i dont even care anymore" attitude. To make things worse, he go mad when i try and break up with him. Wails and cries and goes nuts.

 

Ah, im sure this pile of stinking mess isnt my life..is it!?

[KathyM]

Oh i hear ya! I am a mixed bag of emotions today. Anger at him for being such an arse, mixed with confusion (is it REALLY that bad), tainted with a real "you know, you have pushed me that far that i dont even care anymore" attitude. To make things worse, he go mad when i try and break up with him. Wails and cries and goes nuts.

 

Ah, im sure this pile of stinking mess isnt my life..is it!?

I'm sorry, but you are being manipulated by a womanizer. Time to leave the guy to play his games without you.

[Professor X]

Oh i hear ya! I am a mixed bag of emotions today. Anger at him for being such an arse, mixed with confusion (is it REALLY that bad), tainted with a real "you know, you have pushed me that far that i dont even care anymore" attitude. To make things worse, he go mad when i try and break up with him. Wails and cries and goes nuts.

 

Ah, im sure this pile of stinking mess isnt my life..is it!?

Oh, it is.

 

So why are you with him? be honest.

Is he hot? Does he have a big penis?

[ChessPieceFace]

Oh i hear ya! I am a mixed bag of emotions today. Anger at him for being such an arse, mixed with confusion (is it REALLY that bad), tainted with a real "you know, you have pushed me that far that i dont even care anymore" attitude. To make things worse, he go mad when i try and break up with him. Wails and cries and goes nuts.

 

Nice. My female friend had the same thing happen to her. Her boyfriend was a filthy cheat. I told her that, she never listened or believed me. Another male friend told her that, she never listened or believed him. This other male friend ended up finding the guy out and PROVED he was a cheater. When the girl broke up with him, he did exactly what you describe. Crying and begging and carrying on, lying on the floor. Pathetic.

 

Guys like this are not worthy of oxygen, let alone your affection. Calling yourself a "dirty snooper" is nonsense. You had valid suspicions, you investigated and your suspicions were confirmed. You were correct on all counts. There's nothing more to ask or post about. Kick this guy the !@%$ out of your life and move on.

[Hote204]

If im honest i dont know why i am with him. Well ok, i will try and be as honest as i can. Yes, he is very good looking and yes, that was what attracted me to him at the start. He played me, i wasnt used to that. I normally dont have to try to get a guy but he was something else. Was so aloof and distant, i HAD to make him fall in love with me. what a loser lol.

 

Anyhow, fast forward nearly 3 years and i am here. This is nothing i havent seen before, he just cant help himself. The fight last night got ugly, i am ugly as a person now. Bent up with twisted emotions and hatred for turning into the snoop..and the insecure little girl. He did cheat on me 6 months in and gradually, it seems like the twists and turns have got milder. Perhaps that was what kept me in, the thought that i was winning him over and he would eventually commit to me. But it eats me up with rage. He wouldnt let me leave the house and trapped me in a room. He was holding my arms so i shouted in his face and punched him in the stomach. This led to him pushing me up the wall and shouting down my ear. Domestic abuse from both of our parts.

 

I dont know who i am anymore. Its the worse feeling to want to be free, but not be able to get away. He told me he tried to kill himself last time we fell out and he can picture himself doing it if we split up now. nice hey?

[Professor X]

If im honest i dont know why i am with him. Well ok, i will try and be as honest as i can. Yes, he is very good looking and yes, that was what attracted me to him at the start. He played me, i wasnt used to that. I normally dont have to try to get a guy but he was something else. Was so aloof and distant, i HAD to make him fall in love with me. what a loser lol.

 

Anyhow, fast forward nearly 3 years and i am here. This is nothing i havent seen before, he just cant help himself. The fight last night got ugly, i am ugly as a person now. Bent up with twisted emotions and hatred for turning into the snoop..and the insecure little girl. He did cheat on me 6 months in and gradually, it seems like the twists and turns have got milder. Perhaps that was what kept me in, the thought that i was winning him over and he would eventually commit to me. But it eats me up with rage. He wouldnt let me leave the house and trapped me in a room. He was holding my arms so i shouted in his face and punched him in the stomach. This led to him pushing me up the wall and shouting down my ear. Domestic abuse from both of our parts.

 

I dont know who i am anymore. Its the worse feeling to want to be free, but not be able to get away. He told me he tried to kill himself last time we fell out and he can picture himself doing it if we split up now. nice hey?

 

So you stayed with him all this time was because... of the thought you were winning him over? You for realz?

Since when have you been such a doormat? a spineless person? (sorry if I come out as harsh, but life's a bitch).

 

Well, I guess it all good since he's gorgeous, right? I mean, you go out with him, all the girls are checking him, jealous of you. It's worth it =)

Can't find any other logical reason you're with him despite all the abuse, from both sides.

 

And he threatened with suicide, really? I finished with my emo phase when I was 17. How old is he?

[Hote204]

He is 33. Wow thanks, yeh i am a spineless joke with no self preservation..u got me!

 

If i was reading this from someone else, i would be saying exactly the same. Sadly, when you have been worn down by it (and its been done by someone you love), it feels a bit different.

 

Believe me, if i had someone to run away to about now, i wouldnt be sat here typing this!

[Professor X]

He is 33. Wow thanks, yeh i am a spineless joke with no self preservation..u got me!

 

If i was reading this from someone else, i would be saying exactly the same. Sadly, when you have been worn down by it (and its been done by someone you love), it feels a bit different.

 

Believe me, if i had someone to run away to about now, i wouldnt be sat here typing this!

 

I've been down that road, what makes you think I haven't (so spare me the condescending tone).

 

You on the other hand are just afraid, afraid of being alone, as can be concluded from your last sentence, it's sad though, that that's the reason you're with him now. Not cause you love him, but cause there's no-one for you to run to.

 

Or rather, it's funny, since you claimed you haven't got a problem getting a guy usually.

 

Look, I'm a great believer in that everyone gets to choose his own happiness (to a certain degree ofc). You got the potential to create options for yourself(or so you say) yet you choose, willingly, to stay in this abusive RS (to an extreme degree of getting physical and cheating).

Moreover, from what I can conclude, you've stayed with him for years despite the fact the only reason you're inlove with him is his good looks and... that he didn't care for you so you had to make him yours? Deep.

 

I guess somewhere deep down to love the fact you get to bang a hot dude as well as having your daily drama fix.

 

Sorry if I sound hateful, but truth is, you're bringing it on yourself and I'm not sure what you expect people here to do? You said it yourself, if someone else would of told you this exact story, you would tell him to run away. So it's not like you don't know what must be done.

 

So ye, run away, with or without someone else waiting for you, or stop complaining and accept the reality you live in as is.

 

Choice is yours.

[freestyle]

It's possible that you have PTSD from the cumulative emotional abuse.

 

(lying and cheating IS emotional abuse)

 

Is this REALLY how you want to spend your time----always wondering what he's up to?

 

Also, considering his history of deceptive behavior, I don't think you were wrong to snoop. You didn't invade his privacy, you exposed his secrecy.

 

If someone had written you a bad check more than once---wouldn't you want evidence that the funds are really there, before you attempt to cash a check from that same person again? Especially when cashing a bad check can affect YOU?

 

As far as I'm concerned, he owed you 1000% transparency, after lying & cheating. His FB should have been open to you, as well as email and phone records. The onus was on him to rebuild and regain your trust. He's the one who blew it.

 

I'd like to recommend that you do a little reading on Stockholm Syndrome and traumatic bonding---it may help you to understand why you're having a hard time letting this guy go.

 

You can't do anything to change or control HIS behavior---but you can certainly change how you react or respond. And you can set boundaries about what you will and won't accept in a relationship. YOU can decide what your dealbreakers are.

 

 

You said if you had someone to run away to right now---you wouldn't be typing this---

 

I'd like to recommend that you give yourself some healing time before you jump into another relationship right away. Take the time to to process everything, and grieve properly----and regain your spine. It's still there, but you'll need to do some work to get it straight and strong again.

 

Otherwise you run the risk of falling into the same type of relationship dynamic again..........

[Chi townD]

First off, NEVER be ashamed that you snooped. You had EVERY RIGHT to know what's going on in your relationship. Your gut was telling you something was wrong, so you went with your gut and found the truth.

 

So, what should you have been ashamed of? Snooping and finding the truth so you can make an informed decision on ow you want to handle your relationship and have the opportunity to stand tall. Or ignore everything with your head in the sand and get walked all over. Which is more shameful?

[Hote204]

Oh man, I meant to say "somewhere" to run too, not "someone"! Prof X, I like your blunt delivery and I appreciate your harsh but true words. I just want to say, this is nothing about being alone. I have infact been alone a lot and much prefer it a lot of the time. I live alone and work alone with my own business.

 

What this is about is meeting someone and feeling things I have never felt before for any man. It is hard for me to face the truth of what has happened and the things I have let happen. I have tried to leave. Possibly 4 times but he's manipulative and it's very painful to watch, I hate it. I can't believe I've put up with his rubbish and I can guarantee this will change me for the better, I came on here to chat about it as I cannot talk to my family about it, they already hate him. I try not to bother my friends with it as they think he's a ass hole too.

I wasn't trying to patronise in any way, it just helps to talk it through.

[Professor X]

Oh man, I meant to say "somewhere" to run too, not "someone"! Prof X, I like your blunt delivery and I appreciate your harsh but true words. I just want to say, this is nothing about being alone. I have infact been alone a lot and much prefer it a lot of the time. I live alone and work alone with my own business.

 

What this is about is meeting someone and feeling things I have never felt before for any man. It is hard for me to face the truth of what has happened and the things I have let happen. I have tried to leave. Possibly 4 times but he's manipulative and it's very painful to watch, I hate it. I can't believe I've put up with his rubbish and I can guarantee this will change me for the better, I came on here to chat about it as I cannot talk to my family about it, they already hate him. I try not to bother my friends with it as they think he's a ass hole too.

I wasn't trying to patronise in any way, it just helps to talk it through.

I apologize than for the "someone" reference. You did write it and it made me raise an eyebrow.

 

So is there anyone, at all, that likes him? I mean, your family hates him, your friends hate him, I dare say you're almost there yourself. I know chicks love the man who treat them like trash and such, but you sound like you're truly suffering from it.

 

Though, I wonder, what is it you wanna talk about really? Just share your suffering? Just for the sake of complaining/venting ? Or are you really wanting us to help you find the strength to break up with him cause you know it's what you want though you find it extremely hard.

[nofool4u]

Hote204. Why are you saying you got what you deserved?

 

You got the knowledge that you had a suspicion of. If you would have ended up marrying this guy, I can guarantee he wouldn't have been faithful.

[praxisdorian]

Nobody deserves to have their vulnerability and openess taken advantage of. Unfortunately, you are bonded to him and that will take some time to break. I wish that there was something positive that I could say about the position in which you now find yourself. But there isn't. So many people go through life ****ting on good, well meaning people. And sadly, they never have a clue as to the damage they do (or don't care). Either way it is a mess.

 

I'm sorry

[spice4life]

The reason you feel like you have never felt like this before, about anyone, is because this guy is a player and knows how to push the right buttons. He's a pro and knows how to get a woman hooked and keep her there.

 

This probably the first time you have been duped by a guy like this, so of course it s going to "feel different". Then, add in that he focuses on what makes a woman fall and wha-la...you got a player. Recognizing that should help you break free!

Edited September 27, 2011 by spice4life

[twoscoops]

If im honest i dont know why i am with him. Well ok, i will try and be as honest as i can. Yes, he is very good looking and yes, that was what attracted me to him at the start. He played me, i wasnt used to that. I normally dont have to try to get a guy but he was something else. Was so aloof and distant, i HAD to make him fall in love with me. what a loser lol.

 

Wow haven't read through all the replies but this sounds exactly like the guy I am with - at least who he used to be. Player, cheating on me, aloof, so hard for me to fall in love with. Almost like I wanted the challenge because I don't normally have to try either. If he is still doing this stuff 3 years later, cut him loose. Men will say anything they have to (ie LIE) to keep you, I think they enjoy the game just as much.

[Hote204]

Prof X..oh yeh and my brother doesnt like him either. You know, i dont know why i came on here. I know what is being said is correct amd i guess i just wanted to "tell" somebody what i had found. You know, i know you dont know me, but you would be surprised if you did. Every other man, who has pulled any bad trick on me, has been dumped..instantly. They are cut out and never spoken to again. But this one, i dont know what happened to me.

 

spice4life, you are correct, i have been played. And he is trying it now. He called me and said i love the drama (eh?) and am making this out to be a huge deal because i like the drama. Also, im cold and harsh and breached his privacy by snooping. The story has also changed a bit but i saw that coming.

 

I think if anything, i am fed up with the world. What happened to people, what happened to LOVE? When people were honest, and decent and actually cared about each other. Its feel now like a whorefest, some people trying to get what they can, because they can and to hell with anyone else. Arrrr!

 

Is this how it is now? Is FB and myspace flirting a guaranteed issue you will come accross with anyone your with!?

[Keke1]

Prof X..oh yeh and my brother doesnt like him either. You know, i dont know why i came on here. I know what is being said is correct amd i guess i just wanted to "tell" somebody what i had found. You know, i know you dont know me, but you would be surprised if you did. Every other man, who has pulled any bad trick on me, has been dumped..instantly. They are cut out and never spoken to again. But this one, i dont know what happened to me.

 

spice4life, you are correct, i have been played. And he is trying it now. He called me and said i love the drama (eh?) and am making this out to be a huge deal because i like the drama. Also, im cold and harsh and breached his privacy by snooping. The story has also changed a bit but i saw that coming.

 

I think if anything, i am fed up with the world. What happened to people, what happened to LOVE? When people were honest, and decent and actually cared about each other. Its feel now like a whorefest, some people trying to get what they can, because they can and to hell with anyone else. Arrrr!

 

Is this how it is now? Is FB and myspace flirting a guaranteed issue you will come accross with anyone your with!?

Unfortunately yes. My girl had a page that I didn't know about for about a month. I asked and she said because she didn't want me to be snooping on it. I already knew it was going to be a problem. I looked into FB and everything was cool until I saw INBOX. You can't tell when or who someone gets INBOX messages from. Sure enough looked at her page 1 day and saw basically a love letter from a co-worker. I knew why she had the page it was just a matter of time.

[Hote204]

Oh no, im sorry. What a bag of crap, i will never understand why people feel the need to do it. Its so destructive and hurtfull. You know whats going on, deep down in the pit of your tummy, but its so hard to admit its true.

 

Are you no longer together?

[Keke1]

Oh no, im sorry. What a bag of crap, i will never understand why people feel the need to do it. Its so destructive and hurtfull. You know whats going on, deep down in the pit of your tummy, but its so hard to admit its true.

 

Are you no longer together?

Nope and it was/is very hard. I miss her but don't miss the sneaky things she did. I could say alot about her but it wasn't all her fault. I didn't do anything crazy as far as doing crazy things with other women. Denial was her friend if I ever caught her doing things. She was a very suspicious person.

[ChessPieceFace]

I dont know who i am anymore.

 

You're a person with no self-worth who is choosing to stay with a worthless cheater.

 

Its the worse feeling to want to be free, but not be able to get away.

 

Does your house have either doors or windows? Are you physically restrained? Stop making excuses and get out.

 

He told me he tried to kill himself last time we fell out and he can picture himself doing it if we split up now. nice hey?

 

Beyond nice. I think it's excellent. You should support that decision. Tell him I fully support him killing himself since cheating scum like him are not worth consuming the planet's oxygen and food, and I can provide him with a variety of creative methods of offing himself if he would like. If this offends you, it's because you have not yet wrapped your head around the fact that he is worthless and that what I am saying is true.

[Hote204]

Chesspieceface, it doesn't offend me at all. I have left him but I'm waiting for the back lash. He will come to my house continuously, will call and text all the time. His family call me to talk me into going back. I struggled with it before but I'm hoping I will be able to cope with it this time I kid you not, it's extreme.

[carhill]

Change your phone number and ask him to leave, politely, one time, if he knocks at your door. If he refuses, simply call 911. I've found it can help if you tell them you're in fear of your life and have a gun. The main reason why guys like him don't have a clue is because their good looks get them a pass in life. At least until they run into a brick wall. Face, meet wall. Good luck.