how did I get here! What would you do

[carliconfidential]

So I found this site just browsing the web, seems like a good bunch of people. Not sure if this is the right spot, and I am sorry this is going to be long! Feel free to call me an AHole, as I guess I deserve it.

 

Quick back-story: I am a 29 year old male, I have been married just over 2 years and we have been together for 10 years. All of those 10 years I have been faithful until the last 3 months. Why am I here, on the web, asking strangers their opinion... I have no idea, I have no one else to talk to and I am hoping to hear some other people's stories and comments, even the negative ones as I assume that is what they will be.

 

Despite what you already think of me, I am a good person. I feel HORRIBLE about what I am about to do to my wife, and what I have already done. it keeps me up at night and is the cause of a lot of stress right now.

 

SO... we have a couple that we are friends with, see them 3-4 times a month to hang out. I have always been attracted to my buddies wife, she is very good looking, much better looking than my wife. She is kind of a flirt and for the last 4 years we have exchanged flirts. Looks, smiles, winks, even an butt grab from time to time. She is married too, obviously, and she is unhappy in her marriage. She married very young (19) and he was older than her, she is now 29 and he is 36. She is thin and hot, he is a very large man weight wise and treats her like crap. He makes very good money, she does not, so he controls her. She has no access to "their" money, basically she is his trophy wife.

 

I have had a crush on her forever, but first of all I am married, but secondly I would never have made a move on her, I am not a ladies’ man. Come to find out her parents are going thru a divorce and she was upset one day and I was sincerely bummed to see her upset. My parents went thru a divorce and both our fathers have a substance abuse issue (my father died from it) so I texted her one day and said if you ever want to talk let me know, I know what you are going thru. Well she responded and wanted to meet up to talk. We did meet up, and all we did was talk. But as we said good bye she said to me "I am glad this didn’t end up badly" I said what do you mean, she said "well you know with our flirting this could have ended differently". I was floored and at that moment realized that she had feelings for me, or at least wanted to have sex with me.

 

So... we started to email back and forth and it was confirmed how we feel for each other. The next 3 months we have been having an A and I have to say it has been the best 3 months of my life.

 

Some more quick back story on my marriage. We are both not happy, we have even talked about divorce before. I am still young enough that I want to be happy and enjoy my life. I know I am an Ahole for this, but I am not really attracted to my wife. Sure I am at some level, and sure I could live my life being fine.

 

AM I CRAZY that I am thinking of leaving my wife for her? I know 3 months is way too short a time, but we have known each other for 5+ years. I feel SOO bad about doing this to my wife and my friend. How big of an Ass am I to be sleeping with a friend’s wife.

 

I am just so confused and so torn. When I think about the plus and minuses about each relationship the OW always win. Has anyone ever had this experience? The OW and I are having talks about leaving our partners and being together. Can this be pulled off or am I about to lose everything in my life. If I end it with the OW I feel horrible I have now hurt her. I don’t want to string her along either. We have set a date by the end of the year to be together or end it.

 

Any thoughts?

[oldguy]

Well first of all let me confirm your fears; yes you are a pretty big ass & I'm glad your not my friend.

 

Can you pull this off; yes, will you loose everything; pretty much, but as you said, 'you are young'.

 

Here is the real life general rule; If your unhappy in your marriage you end it before starting a new one". You may not like it but you can chisel that one in stone.

 

You want to be with someone who has no problems cheating on her husband or being with a man who would cheat on his wife. Yes I know; "your in love" for now.

 

Yes, statistically you will do this anyway. Statistically it will fail. Except in your case because of course, your different.

[oldguy]

My suggestion is; end it with your wife before you waste too much more of each others lives & then date women who are not in a relationship.

 

Why do people want to save someone who is in a bad relationship by sleeping with them?

[oldguy]

You didn't mention kids, I hope there aren't any kids, are there any kids?

[whichwayisup]

Quick back-story: I am a 29 year old male, I have been married just over 2 years and we have been together for 10 years. All of those 10 years I have been faithful until the last 3 months. Why am I here, on the web, asking strangers their opinion... I have no idea, I have no one else to talk to and I am hoping to hear some other people's stories and comments, even the negative ones as I assume that is what they will be.

 

Why did you marry your wife if you aren't attracted to her? Love her? And, you've never cheated before, until now? It seems like you've re written some history here and now what you feel for the MW is more intense and made you forget what you used to feel for your wife. You're attached to someone else, the makings and beginning of a new relationship, all the 'new and exciting' feelings that happen at the start.. Somehow you've detached and made it seem like you don't love your wife, sexually, emotionally etc..

 

Some more quick back story on my marriage. We are both not happy, we have even talked about divorce before. I am still young enough that I want to be happy and enjoy my life. I know I am an Ahole for this, but I am not really attracted to my wife. Sure I am at some level, and sure I could live my life being fine.

 

Then divorce your wife. One thing at at time. You do it because you'd rather be alone, you do it because you don't want to be married to your wife anymore, NOT because you want someone else. What if the MW doesn't leave her husband? You divorce and she freaks out, changes her mind and ends the A, tells you that she wants nothing to do with you? Will you regret divorcing or feel "hey, I'm okay either way because I'm happier alone than being married to someone I don't love, nor am I attracted to." Be honest with yourself.

 

I do wonder how much of this is based on the fact that you got to act upon your crush and have fun on the side, brought out excitement. Just know, that if you and this MW end up together, trust WILL be an issue. You both cheated and betrayed your spouses. You lied, deceived and broke your marriage vows.

 

Are there kids involved in this mess?

 

I feel SOO bad about doing this to my wife and my friend. How big of an Ass am I to be sleeping with a friend’s wife.

 

You should feel bad, though you don't need me telling you what you already know. Also, you aren't his friend, so don't refer to him as that. This is double betrayal, the worst kind of an affair.

 

There is going to be fallout and a lot of pain, consquences and reaction, drama when the truth comes out.

 

Question is, are you going to tell your wife the truth? Or hide it from her?

[alexandria35]

Why at 29 yrs old, doesn't your OW have a job and the ability to support herself? She stays with her husband for the money? And the only thing you say about her that's better than your wife is that she is better looking. So she values money and you value good looks, and neither one of you value marriage or friendship. You two sound like a perfectly lovely couple. I say you both should leave your spouses immediately and plan a long happy life together. Hopefully she will never get fat and old and you will always have lots of money.

[Owl]

Let's keep this simple...it IS simple.

 

You know what you're doing is wrong.

 

What are you going to change to fix the situation?

[Circular]

I'll skip over all the married/friend betrayal stuff and just get down to what I see is the root issue.

 

You don't love this woman, nor do you love your wife, nor do you show any capacity to build strong attachments to others. Matter of fact I'd say that this may be your biggest issue in your whole life that's going to follow you no matter what you do. Why do I say this? Read your story very carefully, every player in your story you've objectified, you show no attachments to any of them, certainly not your wife, not your friend nor even the woman you're in this mess with. Why? You're also really early in this A and you show none of the usual glowing affection for the AP that people espouse typically in the first six months. And saying she's HOT isn't what I'm talking about. Why?

 

I suppose my advice before you decide anything, which I doubt you'll heed, is that you get yourself into counseling first and try to figure out why you have such shallow relationships and appear to be both commitment and attachment avoidant. Reason is, if you D your wife and she D's her husband, once she's not a hot-piece-of-a you're going to find yourself in the same boat, or she, once she gets bored with you and tired of you eating pizza and watching football games is going to find someone else.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you should focus on the marriage with your wife and making it better. There are ways to reignite the spark.

 

Recognize that all marriages ebb and flow. Over the course of a long term marriage, both partners will fall in and out of love with each other many times. If you give up during a down time, you may be missing out on future good years.

 

Your friend's wife may be thin and hot, but she has poor character.

 

If you end up with her, it will only be a matter of time before she is flirting and butt grabbing behind YOUR back. Women that thrive on male attention don't stop behaving that way when they change their partner.

 

You two are each other's ego boosts right now. Instead of focusing on the issues within yourselves and your marriages, you are validating each other by pointing out the flaws in your spouses. It adds excitement and makes you feel good, but is an unhealthy way to cope with your own issues.

 

If you are truly done with your marriage, be honest with your wife and take steps to leave with integrity.

[phillyfan]

Dude butt grabbin?? How long u been grabbin the womans butt cos that aint rite. If ur wife was my sista i'd have knocked u into anotha state by now. So ths has been goin on 4 a lot longer than 3 months.

 

If u want 2 b with the otha woman, thn leave ur wife, be a man. Sure there wil be crap comin ur way but hell deal with it, life aint easy choices arent easy, deal with it.

 

Oh yea and ur wife, shes a princess to sumone. How wud u feel if u left her but then she falls 4 anotha dude and dont want u no more. Wud u be ok wit that?

[carliconfidential]

Thank you for the responses, I was surprised by how many people responded. I understand all the negative posts towards me, and they are justified.

 

There are no children in the picture. As far as divorces go, ours would be very simple.

 

A good point has been brought up, and something that I have thought about as well is trust between me and the OW. You will love this, but she has already cheated on her husband before. She tells me it was only a one night stand. As for her not supporting herself, she does have a job and she does have a college degree.

 

Maybe I am not looking past the sex and it has me blinded.

 

My biggest fear is that I will be 40 years old and get a divorce because we are still not happy when we should have divorced now. I guess there are two issues here and in reality I should get a divorce and stop seeing this OW.

 

Thanks all for your thoughts.

[Owl]

So...what are you going to do about this situation?

 

Talk is fine...action is what creates change.

[MissBee]

So I found this site just browsing the web, seems like a good bunch of people. Not sure if this is the right spot, and I am sorry this is going to be long! Feel free to call me an AHole, as I guess I deserve it.

 

Quick back-story: I am a 29 year old male, I have been married just over 2 years and we have been together for 10 years. All of those 10 years I have been faithful until the last 3 months. Why am I here, on the web, asking strangers their opinion... I have no idea, I have no one else to talk to and I am hoping to hear some other people's stories and comments, even the negative ones as I assume that is what they will be.

 

Despite what you already think of me, I am a good person. I feel HORRIBLE about what I am about to do to my wife, and what I have already done. it keeps me up at night and is the cause of a lot of stress right now.

 

SO... we have a couple that we are friends with, see them 3-4 times a month to hang out. I have always been attracted to my buddies wife, she is very good looking, much better looking than my wife. She is kind of a flirt and for the last 4 years we have exchanged flirts. Looks, smiles, winks, even an butt grab from time to time. She is married too, obviously, and she is unhappy in her marriage. She married very young (19) and he was older than her, she is now 29 and he is 36. She is thin and hot, he is a very large man weight wise and treats her like crap. He makes very good money, she does not, so he controls her. She has no access to "their" money, basically she is his trophy wife.

 

I have had a crush on her forever, but first of all I am married, but secondly I would never have made a move on her, I am not a ladies’ man. Come to find out her parents are going thru a divorce and she was upset one day and I was sincerely bummed to see her upset. My parents went thru a divorce and both our fathers have a substance abuse issue (my father died from it) so I texted her one day and said if you ever want to talk let me know, I know what you are going thru. Well she responded and wanted to meet up to talk. We did meet up, and all we did was talk. But as we said good bye she said to me "I am glad this didn’t end up badly" I said what do you mean, she said "well you know with our flirting this could have ended differently". I was floored and at that moment realized that she had feelings for me, or at least wanted to have sex with me.

 

So... we started to email back and forth and it was confirmed how we feel for each other. The next 3 months we have been having an A and I have to say it has been the best 3 months of my life.

 

Some more quick back story on my marriage. We are both not happy, we have even talked about divorce before. I am still young enough that I want to be happy and enjoy my life. I know I am an Ahole for this, but I am not really attracted to my wife. Sure I am at some level, and sure I could live my life being fine.

 

AM I CRAZY that I am thinking of leaving my wife for her? I know 3 months is way too short a time, but we have known each other for 5+ years. I feel SOO bad about doing this to my wife and my friend. How big of an Ass am I to be sleeping with a friend’s wife.

 

I am just so confused and so torn. When I think about the plus and minuses about each relationship the OW always win. Has anyone ever had this experience? The OW and I are having talks about leaving our partners and being together. Can this be pulled off or am I about to lose everything in my life. If I end it with the OW I feel horrible I have now hurt her. I don’t want to string her along either. We have set a date by the end of the year to be together or end it.

 

Any thoughts?

 

The fact that you're asking if you're crazy....

 

Basically, you don't sound sure of yourself and this situation...not your marriage, not your friendship, not this other woman.

 

Sleeping with your friend's wife and someone who also knows your wife and flirting for years isn't a normal thing, as I am sure you know, and I think there may be things going on with you, that aren't readily apparent that is leading to this situation.

 

Knowing someone for 5 years is tricky...I "know" a lot of people in passing for years but it is different from being in a deep relationship with them. I essentially know them only casually or superficially in that time and it is a rather different matter than dating them. There is no guarantee that you leaving your wife for this woman would mean you would have some great relationship. Chances are, the flirting, the forbidden and so on are attractive but when you start dating for a while, things may not be like that anymore. I have had the experience of ongoing flirting with men, the distance attraction, the cat and mouse game and all that built up great fantasies and expectations about them but essentially, once I got to know them, it wore off and they were not as intriguing and no actual relationship was possible as the "tease" of it all was more exciting than the reality. It could very well be the same with you guys.

 

Further, how would you continue being "bestfriends" with her husband if she left him for you? I do not think there is anyway to pull that situation off easily. I highly doubt he will accept it, your wife will probably not accept it, other people who know you all will probably be like umm wtf?

 

I do not believe you need to be unhappily married. I think if you want to leave your marriage you should do so because even without some distraction (other woman) in the picture, you want out and see no way to work on things. Leaving for another person can be an illusion in which real issues aren't being dealt with and you're just masking it and not seeing it because of the euphoria of this new romance. But when it wears off you may be left with an even bigger problem and realize you don't even love or like this person that much either...and now your life is also a mess otherwise.

 

I'd suggest you and your wife doing marriage counseling and first figuring out your marriage and if it needs to be dissolved. Carrying on the A at the same time would be counterproductive. Deal with your marriage FIRST and dissolve that. This other woman needs to do the same. After that you can try dating (although that would still be weird as it's a no-go for me and most people to date exes of friends/family) and seeing if a real, substantial relationship is possible. But before then, having a secret A, not talking to your wife, not discussing things in counseling etc before leaves a lot more room for you to be making big mistakes based on false realities. Goodluck!

Edited September 27, 2011 by MissBee

[carliconfidential]

Missbee thank you for your thoughts.

 

Owl I am not sure what I am going to do. I am a mess and I will admit to that.

 

Thanks all,

[carliconfidential]

there are so many more layers to this story and what I am going thru. Life sure can be hard sometimes.

 

As for action, I am going to try and cut back on seeing the OW. I know the damage has already been done and I will lose them both as friends either way you look at it. If I am with her obviously I lose him, If I am not with her I will lose her.

 

I am starting a new job next week, I hope this will help stablize my life a little bit and I can start to get back to normal... whatever normal may be.

[Owl]

there are so many more layers to this story and what I am going thru. Life sure can be hard sometimes.

 

As for action, I am going to try and cut back on seeing the OW. I know the damage has already been done and I will lose them both as friends either way you look at it. If I am with her obviously I lose him, If I am not with her I will lose her.

 

I am starting a new job next week, I hope this will help stablize my life a little bit and I can start to get back to normal... whatever normal may be.

 

As for the bolded...see my signature. There is NO try.

 

Other thought. First thing you really need to do is to make a choice.

 

Marriage...or divorce.

 

Wife...or OW.

 

You CANNOT fix one relationship while trying to keep the other.

 

IMPOSSIBLE.

 

So...right now...you need to decide which woman, which relationship you're going to keep.

 

With that done...the NEXT step is to end the relationship that you're not going to keep.

 

So...step one...as much as you hate it...decide.

[carliconfidential]

As for the bolded...see my signature. There is NO try.

 

Other thought. First thing you really need to do is to make a choice.

 

Marriage...or divorce.

 

Wife...or OW.

 

You CANNOT fix one relationship while trying to keep the other.

 

IMPOSSIBLE.

 

So...right now...you need to decide which woman, which relationship you're going to keep.

 

With that done...the NEXT step is to end the relationship that you're not going to keep.

 

So...step one...as much as you hate it...decide.

 

Ok so lets say I decide, as I intend to do because I cant and dont want both.

 

Say I decide to stay with my wife and try to make it work. How do I get the OW out of my head. How do I get the What If's out. Yes a lot of the allure to the OW is the sex and attraction. So how do I stop thinking about her or dreaming about her.

 

Say I decide to stay with the OW, how do l live with myself for what I have done. How do I ever trust her. Is what we have real!

[Owl]

You're getting hung up on step two without taking step one.

 

You're better off trying to take this in the small steps like I'd suggested rather than let yourself get bogged down with trying to face coping with the whole thing at one shot.

 

With that said...step two is what I said. Regardless of your choice...your SECOND step is to remove the person you didn't choose from your life. Permanently. You end that relationship immediately, clearly. You block that person from being able to contact you for anything other than what is ABSOLUTELY required (if you're blocking OW...contact is FOR WORK ONLY purposes...if you're blocking the wife...all contact is reference THE DIVORCE ONLY).

 

Here's the thing. You are going to end up hurting, regardless of your choice. One of these two women you value is also going to end up hurting. This was all pre-ordained the moment you crossed the line and started an affair.

 

But...that doesn't matter at this point.

 

What matters is which direction you're going to step towards next. It's simple...not easy...but simple.

[So Very Confused]

I'll be blunt. You are following your penis around and letting it make some pretty big decisions for you. Do you really want to do your thinking with an organ that doesn't even have a brain?

 

You say you aren't attracted to your wife. That may be true. But, one of these days (either with your W or the OW) your penis is going to see another woman you are attracted to and you will have the same problem.

 

The thing about being a human that separates us from animals is that we can make choices about what to do with our attractions.

 

I'm in no way pointing fingers or judging you. I've listened to my vag while my brain was screaming something different and I've ALWAYS regretted it in the end. I understand how it works. I'm just trying to save you a lot of trouble and heartache down the road and I hope you can benefit from the mistake a lot of us have made.

[Circular]

You're getting hung up on step two without taking step one.

 

You're better off trying to take this in the small steps like I'd suggested rather than let yourself get bogged down with trying to face coping with the whole thing at one shot.

 

With that said...step two is what I said. Regardless of your choice...your SECOND step is to remove the person you didn't choose from your life. Permanently. You end that relationship immediately, clearly. You block that person from being able to contact you for anything other than what is ABSOLUTELY required (if you're blocking OW...contact is FOR WORK ONLY purposes...if you're blocking the wife...all contact is reference THE DIVORCE ONLY).

 

Here's the thing. You are going to end up hurting, regardless of your choice. One of these two women you value is also going to end up hurting. This was all pre-ordained the moment you crossed the line and started an affair.

 

But...that doesn't matter at this point.

 

What matters is which direction you're going to step towards next. It's simple...not easy...but simple.

 

I agree with Owl on this. You are fearing the pain you are about to experience, it's going to be painful no matter what, unavoidable at this point, that's the price of admission. It's why I say you should go to counseling, put it all out on the table, really drive for clarity within yourself, then make a decision. In the meantime I'd suggest you back-off substantially from OW and tell her you need to get clarity on everything that is going on. It's all small steps, maybe write them out and that will help. One step at a time it will help manage the anxiety.

[carliconfidential]

I'll be blunt. You are following your penis around and letting it make some pretty big decisions for you. Do you really want to do your thinking with an organ that doesn't even have a brain?

 

You say you aren't attracted to your wife. That may be true. But, one of these days (either with your W or the OW) your penis is going to see another woman you are attracted to and you will have the same problem.

 

The thing about being a human that separates us from animals is that we can make choices about what to do with our attractions.

 

I'm in no way pointing fingers or judging you. I've listened to my vag while my brain was screaming something different and I've ALWAYS regretted it in the end. I understand how it works. I'm just trying to save you a lot of trouble and heartache down the road and I hope you can benefit from the mistake a lot of us have made.

 

I allowed my penis to make the first decision of even sleeping with the OW.

 

Believe me if you want, or dont, but the only reason I slept with the OW is because I have been so attracted to her for a very long time, I have had dreams and fantasies about her. I see tons of other attractive women and I have never allowed my penis to make a decision for me, even in situations where I actually could have slept with someone else I didnt. do I deserve a medal for this, of course not, that is what marriage is. I am just saying this was my dream girl so to speak (looks wise). The OW came along at a time where my marriage is not going so well and my penis won over my brain.

 

It’s like how do you end something that for 10 years has been your life. Dealing with telling everyone, and money and the divorce and all the stigma along with it. Just seems almost impossible.

[carliconfidential]

it's going to be painful no matter what, unavoidable at this point, that's the price of admission.

 

Yeah I am going to hurt someone, no matter what, and that sucks. I NEVER thought I would be a cheater. Sure I thought about wow wouldnt it be fun to sleep with so and so... You always would have thought an A would be fun and easy... yeah not so much.

[Owl]

It’s like how do you end something that for 10 years has been your life. Dealing with telling everyone, and money and the divorce and all the stigma along with it. Just seems almost impossible.

 

Sounds to me like you've made a choice.

 

It's not impossible...in truth, it was inevitable from the moment you decided to begin a relationship with another woman.

 

It's flat out nothing more than the consequences of your choices.

 

And, FWIW...choosing your wife and opting to reconcile your marriage will be EQUALLY as painful as choosing to divorce her and start a life with OW.

 

Right now...you're in for a rough future no matter what choice you make.

 

There's going to be chaos and pain ahead, regardless.

 

You're just sitting in the position of having to make a choice as to which woman you truly love and want to be with...and which woman you're going to devestate.

[carliconfidential]

thanks all for the comments.

 

I am sitting at my computer at work crying! Guess that is what I deserve and I better get used to it.

 

Wish me luck with whatever I do...

[Owl]

I wish for the best possible outcome of your situation for all three of you. Keep us posted and let us know when/if there's any further advice you'd like.