how did I get here! What would you do

[whichwayisup]

thanks all for the comments.

 

I am sitting at my computer at work crying! Guess that is what I deserve and I better get used to it.

 

Wish me luck with whatever I do...

 

Ouch.. Though tears are good, what you're feeling is good because it shows you know what's what. If you weren't feeling this way, I'd question you!

 

Sadly this is how people learn, from making bad choices and stupid mistakes. You can't change what's already happened but you can change what happens from now on.

 

Look in your local phone book or google marriage counsellors. go on your own, sort this out, then when you're ready, talk to your wife and get her to go with you.

 

As for the OW, she cheated before and you both enjoyed a lustful (NOT love) time together for 3 months on the expense of your unsuspecting spouses. Don't use her in the sense of influencing what you need to do. Meaning, don't rely on her, talk to her about your counselling or deciding what you want to do next.

[ShatteredReality]

thanks all for the comments.

 

I am sitting at my computer at work crying! Guess that is what I deserve and I better get used to it.

 

Wish me luck with whatever I do...

 

Hope I can jump in here Carl...I was the WS in my marriage. Don't underestimate the power of the Affair Fog. Seriously. A friend of mine has a great quote that I have only recently begun to use because I always felt like SUCH a hypocrite saying it before - but the reality of it is "If you marry a man(woman) who cheats on his wife(her husband), then you marry a man(woman) who cheats on his wife(her husband)"

 

Your OW is a trophy wife because she chooses to stay a trophy wife. Leaving would mean starting some things over, learning to support herself. Instead she's choosing to cheat on her husband.

 

Cheating is a choice we make. The reality is that if we're so unhappy in our marriage we need to leave. It's the cowards way out.

 

After my A, I ratted myself out very quickly. My H wanted to reconcile, while I wanted out. He did a TON of research on the subject. He read articles to me and bought books and lived on this site as well as Marriagebuilders.com. One of the things he read to me at least a half a dozen times during our reconciliation was that cheating is quite possibly THE most painful thing one can do to their spouse.

 

I carry the guilt over what I did to him with me each and every day, Carl, and you will do the same. Whether you reconcile or not, you will inflict pain on your wife...continuing with OW will cloud your judgement and create a dark hole in your heart. If you're a better person than this - it's time to start BEING that better person!

 

Breaking things off with OM was hard - very hard. He was an addiction. I was drawn to him, I thought about him against my will constantly and had to push him out of my thoughts. Now, a few years down the road and a ton of distance between us - I can see the selfish actions for what they were. He used me. I used him. It was not a mutually beneficial relationship - it wasn't true love - it wasn't anything beyond stupidity and selfish behavior.

 

I hope for the best for you...I really do. When you choose to break things off with OW - tell her the truth. You need to be free of your M before you can see other women. If she cares about you at all she'll respect this about you. If she doesn't, you have your answer about if she's worth your time or not. Get her gone first...it will take you awhile to come out of the fog and see the REAL consequences to your actions.

[carliconfidential]

Hope I can jump in here Carl...I was the WS in my marriage. Don't underestimate the power of the Affair Fog. Seriously. A friend of mine has a great quote that I have only recently begun to use because I always felt like SUCH a hypocrite saying it before - but the reality of it is "If you marry a man(woman) who cheats on his wife(her husband), then you marry a man(woman) who cheats on his wife(her husband)"

 

Your OW is a trophy wife because she chooses to stay a trophy wife. Leaving would mean starting some things over, learning to support herself. Instead she's choosing to cheat on her husband.

 

Cheating is a choice we make. The reality is that if we're so unhappy in our marriage we need to leave. It's the cowards way out.

 

After my A, I ratted myself out very quickly. My H wanted to reconcile, while I wanted out. He did a TON of research on the subject. He read articles to me and bought books and lived on this site as well as Marriagebuilders.com. One of the things he read to me at least a half a dozen times during our reconciliation was that cheating is quite possibly THE most painful thing one can do to their spouse.

 

I carry the guilt over what I did to him with me each and every day, Carl, and you will do the same. Whether you reconcile or not, you will inflict pain on your wife...continuing with OW will cloud your judgement and create a dark hole in your heart. If you're a better person than this - it's time to start BEING that better person!

 

Breaking things off with OM was hard - very hard. He was an addiction. I was drawn to him, I thought about him against my will constantly and had to push him out of my thoughts. Now, a few years down the road and a ton of distance between us - I can see the selfish actions for what they were. He used me. I used him. It was not a mutually beneficial relationship - it wasn't true love - it wasn't anything beyond stupidity and selfish behavior.

 

I hope for the best for you...I really do. When you choose to break things off with OW - tell her the truth. You need to be free of your M before you can see other women. If she cares about you at all she'll respect this about you. If she doesn't, you have your answer about if she's worth your time or not. Get her gone first...it will take you awhile to come out of the fog and see the REAL consequences to your actions.

 

thank you.

 

Are you still married can I ask? Are you happy now? While I give your husband credit for wanting to stay with you, my wife would not want me back... and I dont blame her.

[whichwayisup]

thank you.

 

Are you still married can I ask? Are you happy now? While I give your husband credit for wanting to stay with you, my wife would not want me back... and I dont blame her.

 

But, don't you think she should have an informed decision in all of this? IF your marriage is fixable and it's something you BOTH want, then she needs to know the truth.. To try to fix a marriage and her not knowing what happened isn't fair. Plus, the truth has a way of coming out. Imagine the OW telling her that you two had an affair! What if OW confesses to her husband and then he tells your wife? It's better for her to hear it from you..

[Mme. Chaucer]

How did you get here?

 

Years of indulging in flirting, and crossing boundaries (butt grabs? Really?)

 

What would I do?

 

Well, I would not have flirted for years with an attractive person of the opposite sex if I were married (and especially not a married one).

 

What would I do now, given the circumstances:

 

GO NO FURTHER with dishonesty. Get real with what you want to do with regards to your marriage and start to make that happen. I mean, either initiate separation / divorce, or get into counseling to repair and improve your marriage.

 

I would not place too much value on what you feel you have with the married woman. I would be very surprised if this relationship turns out to be a lasting one in your life no matter how you play this.

 

If you ever get it all sorted out, DO NOT indulge in boundary-crossing behavior when you are not free to pursue it, or the other person involved isn't.

Edited September 27, 2011 by Mme. Chaucer

[ShatteredReality]

thank you.

 

Are you still married can I ask? Are you happy now? While I give your husband credit for wanting to stay with you, my wife would not want me back... and I dont blame her.

 

Yes - we are still married. We are happier now than I believe we've ever been before. I was unhappy for most of the first 8yrs we were married. I believe he was also, but somehow I guess he really did love me...my situation was one where the marriage we were in at the time needed to go. His anger was out of control and he was abusive - verbally and mentally. I needed to leave him. He needed to wake up and recognize the damage his actions were truly causing. I took the wrong course, though. I had no right to destroy our marriage in the way that I did. The damage I caused to him was irreparable. He's always going to carry the scars from the wounds I inflicted. When I announced to him that A) I had an affair and I had just ended it days before and B) I was leaving him - he did not react the way that I thought he would. I thought for sure he'd either put me through a wall or tell me not to take my time getting my crap and walking out the door.

 

He was devastated. I'd never seen him cry before. We both cried, he told me to leave him alone and I told him that this wasn't how I wanted to end things. He asked how long, I gave him all the information he asked for and when he asked the really uncomfortable questions I gave him the information I could stomach. If it was a detail he didn't need, I told him so, then I told him if he still wanted to know to ask me again in a week and I'd tell him. Some things he asked again about, others he didn't. He begged me not to go, I told him that, while I hated my actions and myself for what I'd done, the fact remained that I wasn't happy before all of it came about and was already planning on leaving. So at some point all of that sunk in and he realized that we had to work on the fundamental issues in our marriage first. We both had to admit our mistakes prior to my A and work on THOSE. After we got through that, we began to rebuild the trust from the A and work on healing from THAT.

 

One thing at a time. First you have to get rid of OW. She's clouding your judgement. I promise you this. Your marriage will always look worse when you're looking at her. Your wife will never be attractive while you're looking at OW. You're current life will not seem adequate while she's involved in it. She's not a realistic future partner for you. She already knows you accept cheating because you're doing it...therefore, if she's ever unhappy with you, she will do that and allow you to care for her material needs in the meantime.

 

After you've gotten rid of her, you need to choose. Will you try to work on your marriage or will you leave it behind?

 

If you choose to leave your wife...just do it. Rip of the bandaid and tell her goodbye.

 

If you choose to stay with her, then do the right thing and give her the opportunity to make the same choice - fully informed of your actions and how you feel about them - she should be allowed to choose to go or to stay.

 

One step at a time. Make a list of all of your steps if you have to. Then only think about one of them at a time...once it's done, check it off and move on to the next.

 

You need to change your behavior now. For me, part of surviving my past is knowing that the A doesn't define who I am - it is something that I did. It's an awful something that I did - but it's not who I am...and I can even reconcile that it is who I was for a short time...but not anymore and I am determined to say not ever again.

 

Hope you find at least some of this rambling helpful!! lol

[26pointblue]

thank you.

 

Are you still married can I ask? Are you happy now? While I give your husband credit for wanting to stay with you, my wife would not want me back... and I dont blame her.

 

IF this is true, then you have already made your decision. You knew your wife would not want you back if you cheated on her, & you cheated on her. There is a very high likelihood she will find out given the dynamics of the situation [it seems like dominos to me, or a stack of cards!], & I do agree with those who say she should find out from you, not someone else, & have the choice of whether she wants to stay married.

 

You never know, she may find it in her heart to forgive you. But from the things you write about her on here - you're not attracted to her, she's not nearly as hot as the OW - I'm not sure why she would. I think you have to be honest with yourself first about your feelings for your wife. Only ask her for her forgiveness & tell her you'll make it right if you truly mean it. I do believe there are probably a lot of feelings of love for her that have been squished due to your focus on the OW. But you need to figure out if you can truly love your wife the right way or you will just keep dragging her through more of your own issues & hurting her.

 

I do think it's commendable that you are trying to sort this out & you are here talking about it . . . now you just have to man up & do the right things. Good luck whichever way you choose . . . I agree with the others that choice & action are the most important things at this point.

[spice4life]

I agree with owl and am going to take it a step further. You need to put your wife and OW out of the equation for a second and think about what it is that YOU want. And you also need to think about your motivation behind your fear of hurting someone's feelings. Honestly, it is kind of selfish in a sense. You are actually taking away your wife's ability to choose for herself by not telling her the truth - meaning that you are not happy. You don't really have that right, if you think about it. Your wife deserves to know and you should not string the OW along because you're too afraid to face your fear of hurting others. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who wasn't attracted to me and was just staying to avoid hurting me. What kind of life is that? I would rather be hurt because I know I wll heal and eventually move on and find someone who WANTS to be with me. I would not to be in the OW's shoes either becaue I would feel used and strung along.

 

Just some stuff to think about.

[fooled once]

My suggestion is; end it with your wife before you waste too much more of each others lives & then date women who are not in a relationship.

 

Why do people want to save someone who is in a bad relationship by sleeping with them?

 

ditto. I always wonder why in the feck do people who claim to be in an unhappy marriage think "cheat" versus divorce? How did divorce even become an option and for some, the #1 option?

 

Why at 29 yrs old, doesn't your OW have a job and the ability to support herself? She stays with her husband for the money? And the only thing you say about her that's better than your wife is that she is better looking. So she values money and you value good looks, and neither one of you value marriage or friendship. You two sound like a perfectly lovely couple. I say you both should leave your spouses immediately and plan a long happy life together. Hopefully she will never get fat and old and you will always have lots of money.

 

I feel so bad for the wife She has a cheater for a husband. She has been betrayed by the man she married, the man she planned to have a future with. Instead of him being HONEST and dealing with the issues, he sleeps with his friends wife. Seriously, how much lower can a person go? Maybe the wife's sister?

 

Seriously OP, let your wife go. She deserves way more. She deserves an honest lover who she can trust and who won't betray her. There are men out there like that and she deserves one of them.

[Gentlegirl]

If I were your wife, I couldn't wait to lose you .

 

OH, and your much better looking friend won't always be that way either.

 

Gentlegirl