He cheated on me, now he's looking her up online... !

[twoscoops]

I need advice. I met a "great" guy last year. Well not so great, he was totally cheating on me, lying to me, flying out to meet this other woman, etc.

 

It was disgusting and horrible but I didn't find the full details until after I was in love with him. We've done a lot to rebuild trust and we got engaged last month.

 

This morning I was looking on his pc and saw that he was checking this woman out on facebook - the same one he cheated on me with. I was gutted. I don't know what to do. Of all women/ex's to be looking at, why her?

 

I need to confront him and ask him about it - any advice? Does this mean he still has feelings for her? Longs for her? Thinks of her? Why even have the curiosity?

[norajane]

You only met this guy last year. He cheated and lied, a LOT. And somehow, you're already engaged to him?

 

Why are you so hell-bent on this guy? Why the rush to marry?

 

I think you need to build up more trust between you, a lot more, before you should even consider marriage. And the only way to rebuild trust is for him to BE trustworthy. Checking up on his affair partner via FB is not an example of him being trustworthy!!!

 

As for a discussion, be honest. Tell him what you found and ask him why he's been looking her up. Tell him you need to understand where his head is, because if he's still attached enough to her to be curious about her, then your relationship needs more work before you consider marriage.

 

And, yeah, end your engagement either way. Dude is not "connected" so deeply to you that he's actually "committed" to you.

[twoscoops]

Actually he is the one that pushed the engagement, i.e. I was and still am in no rush, we've already agreed to wait at least two years and don't live together. The cheating happened in the first 2-3 months of us being "exclusive" I still don't know why it stopped, either because she lived in another state (costly to him) or as he says, he fell in love with me. And I didn't find the full details until about 2 months after that (so 4-5 mos of dating).

 

He has done everything he can to prove himself to me, I don't think he'll ever cheat again, but am hurt that he even still has a thought about this person.

 

You are right, that is not behaving in a trustworthy manner. And I am sitting trying to justify like "maybe her name popped up while he was typing another so he peeked" etc. He is human after all. He still needs to know that I know.

[twoscoops]

Dude is not "connected" so deeply to you that he's actually "committed" to you.

 

can you elaborate on this a bit more for me?

[yessy21]

GEt rid of him.

[norajane]

can you elaborate on this a bit more for me?

 

People who are truly committed to each other in their hearts and minds share an emotionally intimate "connection". That connection causes them to think before they act: I don't want to hurt her; I don't want to hurt "us"

 

Commitment words (getting engaged) are not the same as commitment actions (choosing not to look up old affair partners). Until the words and actions match, he isn't truly committed.

 

Another way to look at it is intentions vs actions. Do you trust his intentions? Do you trust his actions? Until you trust both, he hasn't fully committed to "us".

[OnyxSnowfall]

 

I suppose it means he's at least been thinking about her?

 

...

 

I don't know how you remained with him (besides he must have been really convincing), nor how you continue to, honestly.

[ChessPieceFace]

I need advice. I met a "great" guy last year. Well not so great, he was totally cheating on me, lying to me, flying out to meet this other woman, etc.

 

It was disgusting and horrible but I didn't find the full details until after I was in love with him. We've done a lot to rebuild trust and we got engaged last month.

 

This morning I was looking on his pc and saw that he was checking this woman out on facebook - the same one he cheated on me with.

 

So you were naive enough to get back with a cheater, and now he's proving to you that you made another poor decision. The first poor decision was not having the personal skills to recognize a cheater to begin with, the really poor one was staying/getting back with him.

 

Don't make a third one by staying with him any longer. End it. Keep the ring by the way (I am a guy and I advocate the girl keeps the ring ONLY in cases of proven cheating, or maybe violent abuse or criminal behavior I guess...)