My journal on trying to improve my life

[Ross MwcFan]

I need to let the other topic die. So that's why I've started this new one.

 

God I ****ing suck at conversation, a lot of the time I don't feel like I know where I'm going with what I'm saying, or even if there is a point to what I'm saying. Other times I'll just feel as though I suddenly came off as really awkward, or I can't think of anything to say at all and I just come out with the occasional 'yup', and that's pretty much all I say for several minutes or even longer, which makes the other person think there is something wrong, or I just suddenly blank out in the middle of saying something and not be able to think of the next word that I'm supposed to use.

 

I'm the complete opposite from this when typing and having a conversation with someone that way.

 

Luckily I'm going to speech therapy this Thursday. But unfortunatley it'll be in a group, which means, that I'm going to feel really embarrassed explaining why I struggle with conversation (it's down to not socialising at all for many years)

Edited September 27, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[tman666]

I need to let the other topic die. So that's why I've started this new one.

 

God I ****ing suck at conversation, a lot of the time I don't feel like I know where I'm going with what I'm saying, or even if there is a point to what I'm saying. Other times I'll just feel as though I suddenly came off as really awkward, or I can't think of anything to say at all, which makes the other person think there is something wrong, or I just suddenly blank out in the middle of saying something and not be able to think of the next word that I'm supposed to use.

 

I'm the complete opposite from this when typing and having a conversation with someone that way.

 

Luckily I'm going to speech therapy this Thursday. But unfortunatley it'll be in a group, which means, that I'm going to feel really embarrassed explaining why I struggle with conversation (it's down to not socialising at all for many years)

 

It's good that your speech therapy session is in a group. It's a safe environment for you to practice being conversational. The others there will be suffering similarly. If you get practice behind closed doors like this, the better you'll be in a real life setting!

[Teknoe]

Luckily I'm going to speech therapy this Thursday. But unfortunatley it'll be in a group, which means, that I'm going to feel really embarrassed explaining why I struggle with conversation (it's down to not socialising at all for many years)

 

 

Ross, I just want to commend you that you're at least DOING SOMETHING... particularly something that forces you out of your comfort zone.

 

That is commendable. Too many people talk about wanting change, but never do anything about it. So props to you for walking the walk.

[Ross MwcFan]

Ross, I just want to commend you that you're at least DOING SOMETHING... particularly something that forces you out of your comfort zone.

 

That is commendable. Too many people talk about wanting change, but never do anything about it. So props to you for walking the walk.

 

Thanks mate.

[denise_xo]

Ross, I seriously admire you. It's really impressive how you're facing so many issues head on. Good luck and I hope you'll find the speech therapy helpful. You're certainly very articulate in writing so at least you know the base is there!

[Ross MwcFan]

Thanks Denise, that's very kind of you.

 

So yeah, I went to speech therapy the other day, and it went really well. The woman there was really nice and pleasant.

 

Turns out that my speech problems are emotional, and they're not because anything is physically wrong.

 

It's all about my muscles being too tense near to my voice box, so we discussed exercises that I can do to relax them, I was given a booklet with the exercises in it, and we talked about other stuff. She also mentioned that breathing in steam is a good idea as it can hydarte my vocal cords.

 

So today I've started doing the exersises, and already it 'seems' as though there is an improvement.

[ShatteredReality]

That is great to hear! You're plenty expressive online, so it's good that you'll adapt to having this be in person also. Should save you the pain of having to settle for a chatterbox who talks so much she doesn't notice how quiet YOU are

 

Sometimes homeopathic remedies are great for situational anxiety also - if for one reason or another the breathing and stretching doesn't quite do the trick. Talk to her about Kava Root and stuff like that - it helps relax the muscles and ease anxiety.

 

So great you're tackling this head on though!!

[Cracker Jack]

Nice to see that you went to speech therapy. It's also nice to see that you're beginning to feel the improvement.

 

Keep it up, Ross.

[somedude81]

Thanks Denise, that's very kind of you.

 

So yeah, I went to speech therapy the other day, and it went really well. The woman there was really nice and pleasant.

 

Turns out that my speech problems are emotional, and they're not because anything is physically wrong.

 

It's all about my muscles being too tense near to my voice box, so we discussed exercises that I can do to relax them, I was given a booklet with the exercises in it, and we talked about other stuff. She also mentioned that breathing in steam is a good idea as it can hydarte my vocal cords.

 

So today I've started doing the exersises, and already it 'seems' as though there is an improvement.

When you try to say what's on your mind in a conversation, what do you feel? Are the words there trying to get out?

 

I also have a speech problem that has not been helpful at all to me. When I'm nervous or excited, I tend to talk too quickly and my words get mixed up and I have to repeat myself. Right before I want to talk, I can just tell that the my words will come out wrong, so I try to think of something less complicated to say, or else it feels like they'd get stuck in my throat and then I say everything at once.

 

Speech therapy has been somewhat helpful for me. They told me to breath more often and try to use shorter sentences and just pause when talking. It's definitely an on going process.

[thehead]

Thanks Denise, that's very kind of you.

 

So yeah, I went to speech therapy the other day, and it went really well. The woman there was really nice and pleasant.

 

Turns out that my speech problems are emotional, and they're not because anything is physically wrong.

 

It's all about my muscles being too tense near to my voice box, so we discussed exercises that I can do to relax them, I was given a booklet with the exercises in it, and we talked about other stuff. She also mentioned that breathing in steam is a good idea as it can hydarte my vocal cords.

 

So today I've started doing the exersises, and already it 'seems' as though there is an improvement.

 

Cool, dude. Glad to hear you're still moving forward.

[Feelin Frisky]

Hey Ross, do you know how self conscious you are and how you feel? Well, other people feel the same stuff you do. They don't think about YOU. They worry about THEMSELVES. You have to try to keep telling yourself that you are not under any one's microscope. Everyone is under their own microscope. When you understand this entirely, you will achieve freedom that will empower you more than most folks. Repeat after me: everyone worries about themselves--I am not the subject of scrutiny. Now you try: everyone worries about themselves--I am not the subject of scrutiny... repeat and repeat.

[Ross MwcFan]

That is great to hear! You're plenty expressive online, so it's good that you'll adapt to having this be in person also. Should save you the pain of having to settle for a chatterbox who talks so much she doesn't notice how quiet YOU are

 

Hmmmm, not quite sure what you mean by that, lol.

 

Sometimes homeopathic remedies are great for situational anxiety also - if for one reason or another the breathing and stretching doesn't quite do the trick. Talk to her about Kava Root and stuff like that - it helps relax the muscles and ease anxiety.

 

So great you're tackling this head on though!!

 

Thanks, I'll look into the Kava root.

 

What I've noticed so far, is that doing the exercises 'seems' to make my voice better (don't really think I've done them yet while my voice is really bad), but it seems to be short term

 

For example, I did them a couple of hours ago, yet now my voice seems a little high and crackly.

 

Cool, dude. Glad to hear you're still moving forward.

 

Thanks man.

 

Nice to see that you went to speech therapy. It's also nice to see that you're beginning to feel the improvement.

 

Keep it up, Ross.

 

Cheers.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[Ross MwcFan]

When you try to say what's on your mind in a conversation, what do you feel? Are the words there trying to get out?

 

I also have a speech problem that has not been helpful at all to me. When I'm nervous or excited, I tend to talk too quickly and my words get mixed up and I have to repeat myself. Right before I want to talk, I can just tell that the my words will come out wrong, so I try to think of something less complicated to say, or else it feels like they'd get stuck in my throat and then I say everything at once.

 

Speech therapy has been somewhat helpful for me. They told me to breath more often and try to use shorter sentences and just pause when talking. It's definitely an on going process.

 

I think it's like, I'll be talking, but not only will I not be able to find the right words for the rest of what I want to say, it's like my thoughts haven't really come together properly (I think), so I'll be trying to look at what I need to say next, to finish off what I'm saying, but it's like my thoughts for that haven't really formed properly. It's like my mind goes blank.

[Ross MwcFan]

Hey Ross, do you know how self conscious you are and how you feel? Well, other people feel the same stuff you do. They don't think about YOU. They worry about THEMSELVES. You have to try to keep telling yourself that you are not under any one's microscope. Everyone is under their own microscope. When you understand this entirely, you will achieve freedom that will empower you more than most folks. Repeat after me: everyone worries about themselves--I am not the subject of scrutiny. Now you try: everyone worries about themselves--I am not the subject of scrutiny... repeat and repeat.

 

I think you're right FF. I'll definatley try to remember this as it does help me to feel better, and it'd definatley come in handy to remind myself of what you've said before an anxious situation.

[denise_xo]

 

So yeah, I went to speech therapy the other day, and it went really well. The woman there was really nice and pleasant.

 

Turns out that my speech problems are emotional, and they're not because anything is physically wrong.

 

It's all about my muscles being too tense near to my voice box, so we discussed exercises that I can do to relax them, I was given a booklet with the exercises in it, and we talked about other stuff. She also mentioned that breathing in steam is a good idea as it can hydarte my vocal cords.

 

So today I've started doing the exersises, and already it 'seems' as though there is an improvement.

 

Excellent, glad to hear

[Ross MwcFan]

So, for some reason, when I was walking around town I felt like I came across like a loser, kinda like a target for young people to abuse and make fun of, not sure why I've felt like this today.

 

Also, I've come to the realisation that for some strange reason, thinking no women are interested in me, thinking it isn't possible for any women to be interested in me, gives me some sort of comfort, I even get some sort of a bizarre, twisted pride from it.

 

Realising that I can attract some women, that some women actually want me, leaves me feeling vulnerable for some reason.

 

I really can't make any sense out of it.

 

Oh, I changed my meds about a week ago, because I was having side effects from the older ones. Because of this I don't feel so drained anymore, and I'm able to workout everyday again.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm feeling really bad now. I'm no good at parking, I can't park staright, and a lot of times my car straddles the parking lines.

 

Somone left me a message under my windscreen wiper that said 'LEARN TO PARK'.

 

Why do people have to be like that? What sort of person does something like that?

 

Now I just feel really depressed, like an idiot and I've lost all confidence.

 

Also, when I was driving along a bendy main road, where the speed limit is 60 mph, I was holding up loads of traffic behind me because I was having to drive really slowly, since there were about 6 cyclists in front of me.

 

I was too scared to over take them, as I'm worried about oncoming traffic, and I just haven't got the confidence, and my judgement isn't anywhere near good enough. But I was also scared about pissing off the other motorists and having them beep at me and hurl abuse at me.

 

I eventually attempted to over take them, but my judgement isn't any good. A car came in the opposite direction and I had to slow right down and move to the left (the cyclists were on my left) as I was trying to overtake them. I was so worried about crashing into the car coming towards me, but I was also so worried about driving into the cyclists as well.

Edited October 14, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[Ross MwcFan]

I've also had to cut my spending to pretty zero, as my bank account is hemorrhaging money.

[Ross MwcFan]

Would love to start voluntary work with animals, but the nearest places to me are really far away and I don't really know my way there. Which makes me too scared to drive there, especially after the cyclist incident, I'm so scared of it happening again.

 

I can't afford to get the bus to these places either, unless I was to give up driving and sell my car.

 

Seriously considering stopping driving on the longer more complicated journeys that I had been driving on too (which I was doing to gain confidence and experience with driving), because I'm so scared and uncomfortable about the cyclist incident happening again.

 

I've got to wait for around 11 weeks before I can start having therapy too.

Edited October 15, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[ShatteredReality]

Hey Ross, popped back in and caught up on you. Sounds like you have been having a few bad days...chin up though - the important thing is that you're trying to move up - forward.

 

The parking thing made me remember something that someone did to my sister - she passed along the love...but she parked very crookedly - over the line - and someone left a business card under her wiper. It was a photo of Mickey Mouse holding up his middle finger and under him it said "Nice park job. Next time leave me a f***king can opener so I can get my car out!" Now...she could have been irritated or upset...but she saw the humor in it and shrugged it off. We all park or drive like morons at some point or another - if you're safe and not putting others at risk - ultimately that's all that matters, Ross.

 

Now, the comment I made about you getting stuck with a chatterbox who wouldn't notice you weren't talking...I kinda meant it. I had a shy boyfriend who thought he was a little on the stupid side in high school. I always tried to tell him he was smart and capable and such (and he was - he lacked self confidence). One thing he noticed and his mom noticed was my amazing ability to compensate for how quiet he was. Once, I was over and I was quiet, not upset, just thinking about stuff and not really talking. She immediately assumed something was wrong or that I was sick. He was MORE quiet than me and she NEVER asked him what was wrong! So I was just implying that the quiet ones sometimes get overlooked (unfortunately) when they're in the company of someone a little more...boisterous...

 

Keep moving onward and upward - you've been doing well!! Promise.

Edited October 18, 2011 by ShatteredReality
sp

[Ross MwcFan]

Thanks SR.

 

Well, two more bad things have happened. Yesterday, I was waiting at a pedestrian crossing, and a car which was really far away and had plenty of time to stop, didn't bother with stopping, he just driven over the crossing while giving me a dirty look.

 

That didn't bother me too much at the time. But today while driving, a bunch of teenagers threw a jawbreaker at my car window, it made a really loud bang and luckily the window didn't break. I felt like getting out of the car and kicking the **** out of them.

 

Why do I have to live in such a horrible hostile place? It really depressess me and makes me lose confidence in myself.

 

Is everywhere like this or is it just where I live?

Edited October 19, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[Ross MwcFan]

Why the hell would they throw a jawbreaker at your car?

Sounds like a really pissed off area.

Don't think it's you though....sounds like the people there are just generally pissed off. Is there low employment and lack of authority in your area?

 

My area doesn't seem that bad compare to this.

 

The part of my area that I was in seemed quite nice and I wouldn't have expected anything like that to have happened there. But in general where I live, strangely most older people seem very nice and friendly, and a lot of the kids, teens and people in their early 20's just seem like dicks and are hostile. I'm not sure if there's that much low employemnt where I live, I think there is a lack of authority though.

 

Where abouts do you live? Maybe I should move there myself, in fact I'd be happy to ****ing emigrate from this country.

[Ross MwcFan]

Felt very depressed today, found it hard to get out of bed. But for some reason now that I've been out (not out of bed, I mean outside), I feel quite better, more positive, and more confident.

 

I just wish my life didn't have to be a constant battle.

Edited October 20, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[denise_xo]

Hang in there, Ross. It sounds to me like you've come SO FAR just since you signed up here. And my experience is just like yours, it really helps to get out of the house and be physically active when you're having a bad day.

 

It's a battle, but it can be won. Keep fighting :bunny:

[ShatteredReality]

It sounds you live in a terrible area!!

 

My parents moved a couple years ago and they said the people where they live now are infinitely better than here. Obviously I feel completely abandoned...I mean c'mon - I only moved here cause they dragged me here in my teen years. I have felt forEVER that this area is rather hostile. There are some parts of the city I am close to where I cannot go alone...and it's unfortunate....Also, the drivers here? Wow....so so bad. The car insurance rates here are 3x's more than where I used to live. They're at least double or more than where my parents live right now. And the cost of living is entirely too high....ok seriously...don't get me started on living in bad areas. You should consider moving. Everyone I've known who has left this area has flourished. You might find a similar situation where you live. You can research that. I get the impression you're not in the states, so the normal sites I'd send you to for that wouldn't apply. Hmm...try http://www.findyourspot.com - I think they do things worldwide. At the least it'll give you ideas on what other areas hold - even if you never move to one of them.

 

My cousin moved to New Zealand...if I could afford to fly back for visits frequently I believe I'd consider going there. He LOVES it...after he moved there his marriage completely fell apart, but he says it has nothing to do with where they live and he doesn't regret moving. He comes to visit once a year now...

 

Ok...so your jawbreaker story made me remember another story. See what I meant about chatty girls? I told you. Now I am proving it

 

So about 11 yrs ago...wow...yeah it'll be 11 yrs on 10/31. I was visiting my old hometown for a week. I was in the car with my sister, her husband, and sitting in the back with two of my better friends from the area. We rushed to the store to buy some candy because my sisters ex was going to bring her son to the house in his costume and she realized she didn't have anything to give him. On the way back we tore into the bags and each had a little...mini snickers and such...well we rounded the corner and entered her neighborhood and there was this Schwan truck a few houses down. They're a company that delivered high priced high quality foods - they drive box trucks and do mostly afternoon/evening deliveries. We all felt so bad that this man was working this late, having to dodge the trick or treaters and not actually having candy for himself...so I told my friend we should give him some candy. Here's where that simple and nice idea went bad. My buddy was a pitcher in highschool...so he got elected to gently lob the candy into the cab of the truck while we called out "here ya go!" But he didn't....he chucked it harder than he meant to and nailed the guy in the face!!! We heard it hit. We heard him grunt. We all felt AWFUL! Then (yes there's more - hope you set aside an hour strictly for my wonderful posts) He flips the truck around and starts to chase us!! We were flying through a residential area at 7pm on Halloween with a Schwan man chasing us down! Well we lost him eventually...but here I am 11yrs later still recalling exactly nearly every detail of that evening. Ok...so usually now we find it funny...but at the time we all felt really bad...and honestly, if I'd had a way to contact the guy later (when he didn't want to kill me so much) I'd have apologized...

 

The kids who threw the jawbreaker at you were jerks. Not defending them. It just reminded me of that. K. Hope you have a better day today!

Edited October 20, 2011 by ShatteredReality
sp