After many years, putting Mom out of my life

[Nikki82]

This is a long story, so I'm gonna cut out many details, but try to give the meat of the story. This all began in the late 90s. I was in highschool. My mom started abusing Vicodin, got hooked on it, and it made her very aggressive and crazy. My parents got a divorce after years of fighting and not getting along. However, before gettin hooked on pills, she WAS a good mother to me and my sister. But now, she's not the same person.

 

My Mom never really had a career, so she lives off of $35,000/year that she gets from my Dad in alimony. Since the time she started Vicodin and went to rehab, she's never been the same. She always keeps insisting she's not on it anymore without us even talking about it. She brings the topic up because all she talks about is the past.

 

My Dad remarried a couple of years ago. My Mom has never met his new wife, but she always calls her a "whore" and other names. And then gets mad that he apparently treats her better than he ever treated her. She constantly would complain about things like this to me. Then when I wouldn't feed into it, she'd get mad at me and claim that I loved my step-mom more than her. I'm a grown woman by this point with a house of my own.

 

When she's not angry at my Dad for reasons that are years old, she's mad at my sister or me for something that she makes up. When she calls, if we don't answer or call back soon enough for her taste, she calls even more and each voicemail gets angrier and angrier. Due to my work, I can not have my phone during work and she seems to keep forgetting this.

 

I've caught my Mom in lies. Some lies don't make sense. Other lies are her hiding that fact that she still abuses pills. She says she doesn't have money, yet her friend found an email receipt for a $280 purchase of Soma (muscle relaxer) pills (this email was forwarded to me). That's a LOT of money for someone who is "broke". She says she can never pay her taxes when they're due because she doesn't have enough money. (She has to pay her own taxes since they're not taken out of alimony). $280 is almost ALL of what she owes to state taxes in a year...she could have saved that money...

 

Recently, we had an earthquake and that doesn't happen often here. I tried to call her shortly after but the phones weren't working. Later that afternoon, the phones work again and I see I have an email. It's from Mom to me and my sister. She accuses us of not even checking to see if she survived the earthquake (lol) and that we're horrible daughters. She claims she called us, but either failed to mention the phone wasn't working and didn't think that maybe I had the same problem, or she was just lying. I had no missed call. No voicemail. She also wants my boyfriend (a computer guy) to come over and fix her computer. He's done this in the past without a thank you and even more demands. The fix is usually something like plugging the Ethernet cord in...and we live over a hour away. I had told her we don't have time unfortunately b/c we're working late to be able to go on vacation later that week. This pisses her off more b/c he should drop everything to come fix her computer every time she has a problem.

 

My boyfriend and I go on vacation...a MUCH needed one... and my mom keeps calling my phone and leaving nasty voicemails. I send all her calls directly to voicemail, but then I torture myself by listening to them. I should have blocked her ability to leave voicemails and emails too. During most of my vacation, I couldn't really relax. I felt sick with anxiety. I've dealt with this for years now... since the 90s. On my college graduation night in 2004, she attacked me physically and said things like "oh good for you little miss graduate". I don't dwell on the past like she does, but that really stuck with me.

 

Anyway, after I got home from vacation, she apparently is now getting very ill. She has diabetes (the one from a bad diet). I hear from her friend that Mom fell and couldn't get up and now her dog was peeing all over the apartment because she could take her out. I drive the hour+ to her house, stop by the grocery store and get healthy foods and drinks and carpet cleaner. I get there and get in and see towels over the apparent pee spot. I clean it all up and do 2 loads of laundry for her. I put the groceries away and see LOTS of Redbull in her fridge. No wonder she's sick. She's "broke" but buying pricy drinks like Redbull and has diabetes, but drinking that HORRIBLE drink. I tell her she must stop drinking those immediately.

 

She then tells me that the dog pee'd because she has no control of her bladder. When I ask about why she said it was because she was unable to let the dog out, she studders and goes "oohhh i dont know...i dont remember saying that". I offer to take the dog for a few days so she can get better. I have the dog for 5 days and she does fine. No peeing in the house at all. When I call Mom to say I'll be bringing the dog back the following morning (after 5 days), she just randomly brings up my stepmom and says that I must really like her and think she's so sophisticated. This was literally out of nowhere. I promised myself not to stay on the phone anymore when convos went this way. I said I have to go and I'll see you in the morning.

 

She calls back and leaves a voicemail so long that it cuts her off and she has to call again and leave a 2nd voicemail. She says how terrible I am (after helping her after being so angry with me for no reason) and that if I bring the dog back she will not let her in and will call the humane society.

 

I had a feeling she'd do this b/c she did it to my sister before and then tried to say my sister "kidnapped" the dog. I respond back via email and say I'll give her till Weds to decide if she really doesn't want the dog back, but that if she didn't take her back, I would have to give the dog to a rescue group of someone who would adopt her. She of course called me selfish, not her daughter, and that I'm trying to kill Daisy. She then sent another email demanding the dog back the next morning but she also wants her records back that I was holding for her and her crossstitch she did for me a long time ago (a gift). So I packed up all the things and dropped them at her house the next morning. I literally dropped it at the door, knocked, handed the leash and walked away. The boxes of records are heavy, but I was not sticking around to help bring them in.

 

This is just a bit of how she acts. She is still abusing pills. I know it and have seen prove. She lies. She says she has no money but spends it on drugs and clothes. She's always angry and putting words in people's mouths. Everything we do do is not enough. The stress literally makes me feel sick. I've decided finally to cut her out of my life. I have blocked her calls so she can not even leave voicemails.

 

It's only been a week, but already I feel this huge weight lifted off of me. I do care about her as a person, and wish I could do mom/daughter things with her, but she never lets good times happen. I can't help her. I can't fix her. In the 9 years she's been divorced, she hasn't done a single thing to improve her life and find new local friends. The one friend I've mentioned is from her highschool days and lives far away.

 

Sorry this is long...no way to make it short. I think I've made the right decision, as it feels right. But would still like to hear your thoughts. Maybe similar situations. If my Mom was truly sick or in trouble, I'd help...but she's cried wolf a few times. One being the latest with the whole "i fell" story...

[Nikki82]

I know it's a long post... you can skim... but I'd really love responses.

[quankanne]

first off, I'm really sorry to hear that the relationship with your mom has devolved to this ~ it breaks my heart because I had a mom who was just the opposite, and I just can't imagine a mother acting otherwise ...

 

that said, you must understand that it's okay to love someone yet curtail involvement with them if they're behavior is putting your mental health at risk. It doesn't make you a bad person, just one who understands what her priorities are. And getting sucked in by someone who is an emotional/psychological vampire is NOT healthy for you, even if it IS a family member. This will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but maybe it's time to just walk away. Limit yourself to a handful of calls during the month – can you arrange for a member of her church to contact you if things get bad and she actually needs you? That will help with keeping your sanity. So will blocking her calls until she realizes that she's the one who is responsible for your lack of contact. Okay, so that last part probably won't happen, but if she's as shrewd as I suspect, she'll stop messing with you when she realizes that yoiu're not going to put up with stupid shxt. It's a kind of tough love ... one aimed at yourself, primarily. But hon, you're going to have to start looking out for your psychological well-being by letting go of any "bad daughter" guilt and telling your mom that you are not interested in continuing the relationship the way it is ....

 

good luck, and know I'm pulling for you.

 

q

[quankanne]

*smacks forehead*

 

re-read the last part of your post and see that you've already taken the first steps in keeping the situation in control ~ I am proud of you! Not happy that it's come to this, mind you, but very proud of you for understanding that only you can protect your sanity. Again, maybe your mom will cut the bullshxt emotional vampirism when she realizes you're no longer willing to be sacrificed ....

[Nikki82]

Thank you for your thoughts, Quankanne. I really appreciate it and am happy to hear you don't have to deal with this in your life. I'm feeling better already, but still think about it a lot...

 

My mother doesn't really go to a church (at least on a constant basis), but I think if she truly needed me or my sister, someone would be able to reach out to us....doctor/hospital, police, apartment complex mangers, neighbors, or her one friend. =)