Hello

[RickFox]

It was recommended I post in here but rather than copy and paste, I'll add the link I put in the Coping forum.

 

I'd appreciate any helpful responses, insight from those who may have gone thru the same thing and the like.

 

Thank you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=299725

[SoMovinOn]

Doesn't look like anyone is jumping in on this one. Let's start by getting the story over here

 

 

First off, I'd like to get it out of the way that I cheated on my spouse. I am not proud of it and having an affair has had far worse consequences on me than I ever imagined. I am messed up mentally from all this, and I reckon it's my punishment for doing what I've done.

 

While my wife and I have reconciled, it is not easy for either of us, as every day it is a battle with our own emotions and that of what occurred. I have been with her for 17 years total, 14 of which have been married. We have been seeing a counselor but Im not sure it's helping, it's not hurting, but helping is another question.

 

I am here searching for an answer of some sort, an understanding of the Other Woman, maybe from someone who has gone through something similar and I understand diagnosing someone without speaking to them is difficult at best. I am now 38 and the OW is ten years my junior.

 

My story begins in 2010 and goes to now. I pick up my daughter every day at school and in the kindergarten year I noticed a woman who while not my "type" I found attractive. Something about her caught my attention, although I never saw her look my way, I would check her out while waiting for the bell to ring and once in a wihle we'd acknowledge each other.

 

The OW had short jet black hair, purple streak, a pierced lip and her ears were pierced all the way around. She had tattoos on each of her feet and on the back of her neck I noticed her daughters name with a baby foot tattooed at the base. This look was not something I'd go for and yet I couldn't take my eyes off her.

 

It turned out that our daughter's were best friends in kindergarten and she later told me she was ecstatic about that and invited 'us' to the party solely to see me. You'd have never known it at the party, she said hi to us and introduced us to her husband.

 

During the beginning of the first grade year (last year), we talked a bit, began setting up play dates for the girls, and texting became more normal. We hung out as couples, met a few times a month, and I couldn't take my eyes off her body as she loved to work out, as do I, and that was something my wife didn't care for. It was during this time and probably about 6 months prior that my wife and seemed to disconnect, moreso on my part than hers, probably all on my part.

 

Texting increased (we live two minutes apart in the same neighborhood) and we started arriving earlier and earlier at school to pick up our kids and the time was spent talking. I didn't pick up on any flirting but I suck at that anyways.

 

In March of this year, she texted me and told me she thought I was hot, I told her I felt the same about her and she got excited and suggested we meet for lunch so I told her to come by and we'd grab a bite to eat before we picked up the kids. As we stood in the kitchen, she asked me what I was thinking...I told her I was wondering what it'd be like to kiss her....next thing I know, she's on my lap and we are kissing.

 

She looked at me and smile and said "let's have fun with this and see where it goes." Great, I thought, I've been married for 14 years, and I've been curious about other women, perfect..... The next statement out of her mouth is "I promise you, I'm not crazy."

 

So it started up, and everything was wow, it felt right, we would go out on mini dates during the day and I felt like a kid again, we both acknowledged the newness factor and a few weeks in, she told me she was falling for me but that I didn't have to say anything back to her. That opened the flood gates, and I fell hard for her...deeply, or maybe it was infatuation, but I truly enjoyed every moment with her, I felt alive and confident and like I had met my new best friend. I would tell her how beautiful she was and she'd tell me I was crazy, she'd say her husband hadn't called her that in years.

 

My wife and I had been around them when they fought, he seemed distant to her, almost juvenile in their relationship and maybe a touch verbally abusive. We talked of leaving our spouses all the time but she threw out another warning sign I ignored. She said that while she was in love with me, that we had a connection she had never had with anyone, she still loved her husband and wasn't ready to leave him....not yet. So I stupidly kept on, sneaking around to see her, and her sneaking around to see me.

 

We would text at night and make store runs to see each other, I work night shift and was getting maybe 2 to 3 hours of sleep a day, the rest of my time was with her. I would check my phone constantly, so much so I'd feel it buzz in my pocket even when it wasn't in my pocket. I couldn't wait to see her, I was addicted.

 

Three months later, we were busted, my wife found out, and I admitted to being in love with our "friend". My wife was devastated, I saw her pain but closed myself off to it. I felt distraught and mad that I lost my girlfriend but also because I was going to lose my family ...my daughter...who is my world. Yes, I was and am a selfish selfish person.

 

Now, the other woman's husband doesn't know, my wife chose not to say anything but during that time, we still talked for a bit, we talked about letting things cool down and being more careful and selective on how we meet. Then she texted me saying she couldn't do it anymore, her feelings of guilt were too great, even though she said she wanted an open marriage (when I asked her why she hit on me in the beginning). The same night she told me she couldn't meet me anymore that she was a bad and evil person I was flooded with texts saying she couldnt stop seeing me, she loved me, and needed to see me once more.

 

Then she would tell me that her husband was trying to do better (men just don't change that easily, this I know), and in the next text she would tell me that she lied, things weren't really much better. She said she had to try and make her marriage work so that she knew if it didn't she had given it her all. She even said that was what the summer was for, for us to work on our relationships. I told her goodbye and a few hours later I was flooded with more texts which I ignored until the next day. She asked if I hated her and I told her I would never hate her.

 

The yo yo'ing went on for a bit, she was short in her answers to me, biting my head off for trivial issues and when I defended myself she told me that she was done with me. I felt horrible, I had no closure, I wanted to know what I did that was so wrong (aside from the affair). After a couple of weeks of no contact and a bunch of mental anguish I contacted her and she told me she was happy to hear from me and then a few minutes later, bit my head off. This happened a couple of times and then all contact ceased. I was horribly distraught and sought a therapist, both for my own needs and to save my marriage as my wife was/is willing.

 

The problem is, I have good days and bad days but much of the time I can't stop thinking about her, knowing what I know, seeing what I've seen, even though I know that it was poison the OW affected me more than I thought possible. I realize it may be more the way she ended things is the issue more than anything else. In fact,she once told me that she envisioned seeing me at the school once again and all the emotions she once felt would come "rushing back." I don't know if if she was foreshadowing or just blowing smoke up my butt.

 

Fast forward to August, we had a bit of contact and she tried to get me to meet her at the store (a place we would meet at quite a bit) and I ignored it. We later spoke briefly on the phone where I was semi cold and she said it was good to hear my voice and she missed it, would play video on her phone sometimes just to hear my voice. When I asked her if she "reconnected" with her husband, she said "honestly, yes." She told me we could still go out together every now and then and have lunch and get coffee and I said "Oh really? You think so do you?"

 

I didn't believe it and not sure it's true but I guess it doesn't matter because in the same breath she said that she'd never have the connection with him as she did with me. We both went out of town with our families in August, and she initiated some contact, a "good morning" and whatnot and another saying it was beautiful where she was (in Austin) and she didn't want to come back. I responded with a one word answer as my therapist recommended I don't even respond and then several days later, I knew she was supposed to come home so I sent her a text saying "back?" Her response was "stalker, much?"

 

I went thru the roof! Livid!Hurt! We had a relationship, we spent time together, I confided in her and thought she was a friend and a simple question to see that she made it home safe and I'm a stalker?!?

 

Just prior to us going out of town, she told me that her husband wants her around me as much as my wife wants me around her as "things came out" and she supposedly admitted to him, after he confronted her, that she was slipping away from him to me. She even told a mutual friend that she stopped talking to us because "things got uncomfortable" between all of us which makes me think that she's lying about her husband realizing she was slipping away from him and probably told him I hit on her and she had to end our friendship, I see no other reason for her to tell him any kind of truth as she is a stay at home mom and would lose it all if he walked out as she has nothing to fall back on.

 

I know what I did/am doing is wrong but during that time, I was making plans on her and I starting a relationship (yeah my mistake), even though it was built on deception I wanted to try. Now I find myself thinking about her every day. I've tried to make myself hate her but it only lasts for so long and I am in and out of depression, both for feeling as I do about her and for betraying my wife.

 

When school started up this year, my wife kept telling me that the other woman was going to try and initiate contact, to start it back up, and I bought it. The reality was, on the first few days of school, her husband showed up with her and he's been there for pick up with her more times than he's ever been there during kindergarten and first grade years.

 

At the school, she acts like I don't exist, has walked by me and not said a word and it's taken everything I have not to say something. Ive been an emotional wreck ever since we stopped the affair, longing for some type of contact. I have moved the pickup point for my daughter to the other side of the school so I don't see her yet it doesn't stop me from wanting to see her.

 

The mornings are the hardest for me. I don't understand how she can act like she is, having proclaimed to care for me so much, telling me if I was her man she'd spoil me and take care of me, calling me hers, and now Im nothing, not worth a hello or how are you. Picking my daughter up on the other side of the school keeps me semi sane. The OW has exited her vehicle at the same time as me only to walk fast to get in front of me and I felt like it was on purpose. She wore her little white shorts and her purple t shirt that I told her I loved on her as it made her eyes stand out. Being around her at the time, it was all I could do not to break down in tears.

 

The whole thing sucks, I lost a friend, my wife lost her husband, we lost a couple to do things with, my daughter can no longer see her best friend outside of school and this is all because of my poor choices. I wish she'd never said a word to me about finding me attractive.

 

And that is where my issues are, what I'm searching for, the big WHY? I realize I was more than likely just a game to her and that pisses me off, but I don't understand why I can't get over her like she seems to have done with me.... how or why can she just act like this..... yeah, it does bother me...

 

She got another tattoo the night we got found out, she says it was for me, but I don't think it was , it says, "Love the Life you Live, Live the Life you Love." I see it as meaning, have your cake and eat it too.

 

Every day is a battle and I don't understand why I'm longing for a woman who was never mine and who seems to care so little .... I am longing to understand ....and until I do... I fear I may never be able to move forward.

 

Thanks for reading, I'm hoping someone out there may have some answers and yes, I know I screwed up.

[SoMovinOn]

And that is where my issues are, what I'm searching for, the big WHY? I realize I was more than likely just a game to her and that pisses me off, but I don't understand why I can't get over her like she seems to have done with me.... how or why can she just act like this..... yeah, it does bother me...

 

Well, I can't get inside her head. There are a lot of possibilities here. It's possible you may never get those answers. She may not be as over you as you think she is. She may be acting like that because that is her way of dealing with it.

 

The important thing is, you have to accept it's all done, put it behind you, and move forward. It's that simple. Very difficult to actually do, but... a simple concept. It will be painful, you'll hurt, you'll get angry, depressed, whatever... but, you'll get through it.

 

 

She got another tattoo the night we got found out, she says it was for me, but I don't think it was , it says, "Love the Life you Live, Live the Life you Love." I see it as meaning, have your cake and eat it too.

 

I think it means... The first part is saying to appreciate what is around you, what you have. Some people can't "love the life they live" because they are too concerned with what they don't have. The second part is more obviously literal (I think)... do what you love to do. If you want to be a pilot, don't stay in your job as an accountant because that what you have to do to pay the bills. Find a way to pay the bills by doing what you love to do.

 

I think that goes with the old saying "If you do what you love, you will never work a day in your life"

[Gentlegirl]

I agree you are in a dreadful place.

 

 

I can't help you with the OW's thoughts as I was a single OW. It's a totally different scenario.

 

Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts and feelings. It has given me an insight in what the MM mightfeel.. After he dumped me I had no idea.

 

I do know that I went through much of what you are feeling right now, emotionally, and still do occasionally.

 

You're married, she's married.. to other people.

 

If you feel you can make it work again with your wife.. give it your whole heart and soul.. if you can't walk away and find out what it is you really want.

 

It would be a good thing to leave OW alone until you sort out your own ****.

 

Warm thoughts to you,

 

Gentlegirl.

[East7]

According to your story, I don't see anything to hope with this woman.

 

She enjoyed cake-eating period. She never loved you or wanted to be with you and now she is gone, just accept it.

 

You don't want to leave your wife either, so this is not going anywhere. It is just an unhealthy addiction and you know it. "Love the Life you Live, Live the Life you Love." Her tatoo shows how self-centered she is, it is ALL about her. She doesn't care about her H or you.

 

First of all in the coping process you need to go totally NC then go to IC therapy to understand why are you longing for someone that clearly doesn't want you.

[wannabdone]

RF...

 

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I understand the place you are in and the hurt it causes.

 

I agree with everyone else, though. You will probably never get the answers you want/deserve/need.

 

I have had an A with OM while M. It is tricky, all affairs are tricky, but the more people involved the trickier. You are dealing with a lot of R, and personalities.

 

I can not speak for your MW, as she does not seem to have been like me. But, personally I don't believe she told her H. I think she CYA'd on that one, so you or your W wouldn't tell him. He probably realizes there is something there, and thats why he has shown up at school more so as of late.

 

One thing I have found out going through my crap is this..... there are two types of relationships. 1-Love and 2- Attachment. Now, it should be in a good R you have BOTH. But in these types you have one or the other. You can love someone else and have attachments with the other person. And attachment is HARDER to break that love. Why? Attachment has security in it. Ie.... finacial, family, housing, etc. All things that human beings find 100% necessary to survive. Love has really no security attached to it, as a matter of fact it is the most insecure of any feelings that we have....there is a lot of vulnerability there. So many times people will choose attachment over love.

 

I know that it doesn't make the pain go away, to want someone who doesn't seem like they want you. Its unfair that she pulls and then pushes you.

 

I also know that as long as you have feelings for someone else, it is almost impossible to make things work at home. And then you are stuck as to "what to do". Do I leave my spouse, even though the person I love doesn't want me? Break my family up, for what feels like nothing? But how can I continue in a M when I can't move forward when I have feelings for another woman? All very natural things. Things you and your C will have to work through. Has your wife gone with you to counseling? Does she know how much you seem to love this woman?

[RickFox]

According to your story, I don't see anything to hope with this woman.

 

She enjoyed cake-eating period. She never loved you or wanted to be with you and now she is gone, just accept it.

 

You don't want to leave your wife either, so this is not going anywhere. It is just an unhealthy addiction and you know it. "Love the Life you Live, Live the Life you Love." Her tatoo shows how self-centered she is, it is ALL about her. She doesn't care about her H or you.

 

First of all in the coping process you need to go totally NC then go to IC therapy to understand why are you longing for someone that clearly doesn't want you.

 

Yep, you're right, I don't think she ever loved me or even wanted anything but a fling. Even though she said I was the first person she'd been with outside of her marriage I have a hard time believing that as well.

 

I have gone totally NC, I have even removed myself from the area where we picked up our kids. Things were so intense between us, that I later found out from a teacher at the school that they all knew something was going on between us...we were the only ones who didn't see it and thought we were being slick.

 

I have fought the urge to text her, and when I have that urge I remind myself that she called me a stalker, when all I did was ask a question and of which she initiated the entire contact portion to begin with.

 

I spoke to someone today, that she and I both know, learned that the xOW has put on some weight and that she and her husband do not apear any closer than before.........so this worries me as I know at this point, if she were to come up to me that I may not be strong enough to turn around and walk away even though I know it is the right thing to do. I guess that's neither here nor there and I'm kind of fooling myself thinking that she will try and make contact with me.

 

As the one poster said, it's over, she's done with me, she got what she wanted and has moved on. Still as silly as it sounds, all she had to be was civil, nobody should be treated like this and yeah, I can't wait till the hurt stops.

[RickFox]

RF...

 

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I understand the place you are in and the hurt it causes.

 

I agree with everyone else, though. You will probably never get the answers you want/deserve/need.

 

I have had an A with OM while M. It is tricky, all affairs are tricky, but the more people involved the trickier. You are dealing with a lot of R, and personalities.

 

I can not speak for your MW, as she does not seem to have been like me. But, personally I don't believe she told her H. I think she CYA'd on that one, so you or your W wouldn't tell him. He probably realizes there is something there, and thats why he has shown up at school more so as of late.

 

One thing I have found out going through my crap is this..... there are two types of relationships. 1-Love and 2- Attachment. Now, it should be in a good R you have BOTH. But in these types you have one or the other. You can love someone else and have attachments with the other person. And attachment is HARDER to break that love. Why? Attachment has security in it. Ie.... finacial, family, housing, etc. All things that human beings find 100% necessary to survive. Love has really no security attached to it, as a matter of fact it is the most insecure of any feelings that we have....there is a lot of vulnerability there. So many times people will choose attachment over love.

 

I know that it doesn't make the pain go away, to want someone who doesn't seem like they want you. Its unfair that she pulls and then pushes you.

 

I also know that as long as you have feelings for someone else, it is almost impossible to make things work at home. And then you are stuck as to "what to do". Do I leave my spouse, even though the person I love doesn't want me? Break my family up, for what feels like nothing? But how can I continue in a M when I can't move forward when I have feelings for another woman? All very natural things. Things you and your C will have to work through. Has your wife gone with you to counseling? Does she know how much you seem to love this woman?

 

She knows of the feelings I 'had' but doesn't know the extent of which Im dealing with now. Thing is, just as I have a hard time moving forward so does my wife as she is stuck on her as well,albeit differently. My wife and I have been to counseling together, but it's like pulling teeth with her. She thinks she can do it on her own and doesn't want to confide in anyone. We've fought over that too...admitting that if I need help and can't do it alone then she does too.

 

Funny you talk about Love and Attachment. I told the other woman that I would take care of her as I knew she didn't have a job and all I wanted in return was for her to do as she did currently, to take care of the home. Yeah, talk about being a sucker. The only thing I told her tha may or may not have scared her (if she even cared, which I don't think she truly did) was that her life would change. She'd lose friends, gain new ones, family would be mad at her, people would hate her and the same would go for me.

 

But your'e right, as one person told me, at this point she's in 'survival mode' doing whatever she has to do to save her marriage. Now I don't think she told her husband anything other than he knew she and I were in constant contact and had no issue with it during the time we all hung out as he considered us to be the buddies that talked about everyone. Come to think of it, she really didn't have alot of female friends and that's because she said women are b*tches. I do think she told him that I came onto her and she ended the 'friendship' maybe after he took a bit of notice but I don't think she volunteered that she was falling for me as she so often said she wanted to tell him but never did.

 

Hell, she once told me to come over and grab her and kiss her in front of him and tell him I loved her. Joking or not, struck me as a bit ....odd...crazy.

 

for the first time in a while I came home this morning and am doing okay....

 

I should mention my wife has several texts from her telling her how much she loved me and so forth and so on......... I remember after we got caught the first thing out of her mouth was, is she going to tell my husband (told her I dont know) and the next thing after she didn't tell her was, delete me from her fb, delete my number from her phone and destroy the texts.... I did the fb thing not the others as I suddenly realized she was protecting herself but leaving me out to dry.

 

The last contat we had, she again mentioned destroying the texts and I told her I couldn't get into the phone........and I realized she was all about herself.

 

And so you see why it bothers me that I am still thinking of her many an hour per day, all these signs....and I am putting myself thru hell.

Edited September 28, 2011 by RickFox

[wannabdone]

She knows of the feelings I 'had' but doesn't know the extent of which Im dealing with now. Thing is, just as I have a hard time moving forward so does my wife as she is stuck on her as well,albeit differently. My wife and I have been to counseling together, but it's like pulling teeth with her. She thinks she can do it on her own and doesn't want to confide in anyone. We've fought over that too...admitting that if I need help and can't do it alone then she does too.

 

Funny you talk about Love and Attachment. I told the other woman that I would take care of her as I knew she didn't have a job and all I wanted in return was for her to do as she did currently, to take care of the home. Yeah, talk about being a sucker. The only thing I told her tha may or may not have scared her (if she even cared, which I don't think she truly did) was that her life would change. She'd lose friends, gain new ones, family would be mad at her, people would hate her and the same would go for me.

 

But your'e right, as one person told me, at this point she's in 'survival mode' doing whatever she has to do to save her marriage. Now I don't think she told her husband anything other than he knew she and I were in constant contact and had no issue with it during the time we all hung out as he considered us to be the buddies that talked about everyone. Come to think of it, she really didn't have alot of female friends and that's because she said women are b*tches. I do think she told him that I came onto her and she ended the 'friendship' maybe after he took a bit of notice but I don't think she volunteered that she was falling for me as she so often said she wanted to tell him but never did.

 

Hell, she once told me to come over and grab her and kiss her in front of him and tell him I loved her. Joking or not, struck me as a bit ....odd...crazy.

 

for the first time in a while I came home this morning and am doing okay....

 

I should mention my wife has several texts from her telling her how much she loved me and so forth and so on......... I remember after we got caught the first thing out of her mouth was, is she going to tell my husband (told her I dont know) and the next thing after she didn't tell her was, delete me from her fb, delete my number from her phone and destroy the texts.... I did the fb thing not the others as I suddenly realized she was protecting herself but leaving me out to dry.

 

The last contat we had, she again mentioned destroying the texts and I told her I couldn't get into the phone........and I realized she was all about herself.

 

And so you see why it bothers me that I am still thinking of her many an hour per day, all these signs....and I am putting myself thru hell.

 

 

Well, this I will tell you.... you are not alone. That probably doesn't make you feel better to know others put themselves through the same kind of hell....but there are others. I have went through the same thing. Being hung out to dry many times.

I did however when my xMM's W found out, worried if my H would find out too. Just to know what I would be dealing with more than anything.

 

And I also had the same kind of comments "just come over to my house and tell her what is up". I don't understand if they are trying to prove to us that they are wanting out. But looking back at it.... I just see it as a cowardly way of someone else taking care of THEIR problems. I am supposed to deal with my M breaking up....and also deal with theirs as well???? But, he sure wasn't helping me with mine. You know what I mean?

 

One word..... SELFISH!!! Now, we have to find out why we are so GD attached to someone like this. THAT is a unsolved mystery with me still to this day.

[East7]

 

One thing I have found out going through my crap is this..... there are two types of relationships. 1-Love and 2- Attachment. Now, it should be in a good R you have BOTH. But in these types you have one or the other. You can love someone else and have attachments with the other person. And attachment is HARDER to break that love. Why? Attachment has security in it. Ie.... finacial, family, housing, etc. All things that human beings find 100% necessary to survive. Love has really no security attached to it, as a matter of fact it is the most insecure of any feelings that we have....there is a lot of vulnerability there. So many times people will choose attachment over love.

 

For a long time I used to think the same then I came to the realization that those who really want to leave, just move the hell out.

 

I also realized that MM are perfectly able to leave for their single OW (2 of my friends who were MM) although they had 2 young children each and properties.

 

MW are different. Unless they really can't stand their H, they are more attached to security. Having a good decent H plus security make them often suck it up and stay even if it hurts them a lot. They often rationalize, trying to convince themselves that they love their H while in fact it is only familiarity and attachment.

 

 

 

Yep, you're right, I don't think she ever loved me or even wanted anything but a fling. Even though she said I was the first person she'd been with outside of her marriage I have a hard time believing that as well.

 

She looks like the kind of enjoying having 2 turkeys for her.

 

I have gone totally NC, I have even removed myself from the area where we picked up our kids. Things were so intense between us, that I later found out from a teacher at the school that they all knew something was going on between us...we were the only ones who didn't see it and thought we were being slick.

People are not stupid. They often notice who's having an A. Lucklily it wasn't at your work.

 

 

As the one poster said, it's over, she's done with me, she got what she wanted and has moved on. Still as silly as it sounds, all she had to be was civil, nobody should be treated like this and yeah, I can't wait till the hurt stops.

In affairs like in any other R, there is always one that loves more. You loved her more and I don't think she ever loved you.

 

She knows of the feelings I 'had' but doesn't know the extent of which Im dealing with now. Thing is, just as I have a hard time moving forward so does my wife as she is stuck on her as well,albeit differently. My wife and I have been to counseling together, but it's like pulling teeth with her. She thinks she can do it on her own and doesn't want to confide in anyone. We've fought over that too...admitting that if I need help and can't do it alone then she does too.

 

I feel sorry for your wife. You should give her a chance, she sounds like a decent good woman.

 

 

Funny you talk about Love and Attachment. I told the other woman that I would take care of her as I knew she didn't have a job and all I wanted in return was for her to do as she did currently, to take care of the home.

Because the security was not her reason to stay, so your offer was pointless to her. She didn't want to have a life with you. Just the thrill and sex.

 

 

Hell, she once told me to come over and grab her and kiss her in front of him and tell him I loved her. Joking or not, struck me as a bit ....odd...crazy.

Yeah, this doesn't mean anything to her. It shows that she is playing you and she has zero respect for her H.

 

I should mention my wife has several texts from her telling her how much she loved me and so forth and so on......... I remember after we got caught the first thing out of her mouth was, is she going to tell my husband (told her I dont know) and the next thing after she didn't tell her was, delete me from her fb, delete my number from her phone and destroy the texts.... I did the fb thing not the others as I suddenly realized she was protecting herself but leaving me out to dry.

She is competing with your wife, plain jealousy.

 

On the other side she is protecting her a$$. She is afraid that you or your wife tell hir H. It is ALL about her as always.

[Emme]

I wish more men would write about their struggles. Women go through the same ordeal. I will say that I get very angry when people try to dismiss their emotions. It is a part of life. I know the correct thing to do is not to live by our emotions but still yet no one is accepting of their emotions. Why? Who knows? It’s not wrong to feel something for someone else. It’s not wrong to bond with someone. The only reason it becomes wrong is when you cross the line of not ending a prior relationship to explore a new one. Everyone is stuck on no you are not suppose to feel these emotions. You are human… You are supposed to feel attraction for others if that’s what your senses drift towards. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I just wanted to say that.

 

As far as your statement about being together 17 years, I’m not sure you even had a dating history to know what you really like. You are shocked you’re attracted to a woman such as that says many things. You never lived. I always tell young ones explore your options just don’t rush into a relationship/marriage, live your life first.

 

You are not a stalker! Don’t be angry about the statement reason being TEXT is just that TEXT. You have no clue about her tonality. It could have been a joke and not intended as an insult.

 

Be happy she is not saying hello. Be happy she is drifting away. This give you time to work on you. Try and find out what you want in life. Find out about you. It’s obvious that this relationship has shocked you and there are things about your life you never imagined. You need to find the real you. Get to work.

 

I hope this helps somewhat. Please keep posting in this section sometimes a male perspective is needed. Things will get better, promise.

Edited September 28, 2011 by Emme

[wannabdone]

I wish more men would write about their struggles. Women go through the same ordeal. I will say that I get very angry when people try to dismiss their emotions. It is a part of life. I know the correct thing to do is not to live by our emotions but still yet no one is accepting of their emotions. Why? Who knows? It’s not wrong to feel something for someone else. It’s not wrong to bond with someone. The only reason it becomes wrong is when you cross the line of not ending a prior relationship to explore a new one. Everyone is stuck on no you are not suppose to feel these emotions. You are human… You are supposed to feel attraction for others if that’s what your senses drift towards. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I just wanted to say that.

 

As far as your statement about being together 17 years, I’m not sure you even had a dating history to know what you really like. You are shocked you’re attracted to a woman such as that says many things. You never lived. I always tell young ones explore your options just don’t rush into a relationship/marriage, live your life first.

 

You are not a stalker! Don’t be angry about the statement reason being TEXT is just that TEXT. You have no clue about her tonality. It could have been a joke and not intended as an insult.

 

Be happy she is not saying hello. Be happy she is drifting away. This give you time to work on you. Try and find out what you want in life. Find out about you. It’s obvious that this relationship has shocked you and there are things about your life you never imagined. You need to find the real you. Get to work.

 

I hope this helps somewhat. Please keep posting in this section sometimes a male perspective is needed. Things will get better, promise.

 

 

Emme.... thank you for this!!! I agree with you totally. It is nice to hear a males prespective. And yes, so many people get stuck on its wrong, or she doesn't love you. And forget no matter what....this person is hurt.

[Owl]

Rick, simple question.

 

What is your "goal"? What outcome is it that you're hoping for at this point from the whole situation? Where do you want to be at this point?

[Circular]

Hey Rick, I copied your reply to my post from the other thread that way it's all here:

 

I keep referring to her as the OW, I mean xMW, my bad.

 

I should mention, the last time we actually spoke on the phone, I told her I wasn't doing well since she just cut me off with no contact and she said "I thought I was helping you." When I told her that it wasn't helping me at all, she apologized and we spoke for a bit. That's when she started asking me questions about my marriage, 'is your wife wearing her rings?' 'have you reconnected' 'telling me she reconnected with her husband and so on, and then we move to being called a stalker a week later.

 

I still don't understand it, her, or any of this. I would rather treat someone civilly, regardless of the circumstances, than someone with a cold/ or no heart. I guess I'm relegated to never understanding and I won't deny it, like I said, there is a part of me that hopes for some sort of contact, be it to get revenge or to just talk....but I'm working on getting rid of that hope too.

 

 

You're going to go through the process for awhile wondering what she thinks. How can she treat me this way? Did it really mean nothing? Did she really not love me?

 

I went through a similar process, it was painful, how could this be after the time we spent together?!?! (For me the A was ~20 months and we had been friends for a few years before that), at some point though after reading a lot of stories you realize that in these situations when a D-Day occurs or it's agreed that it's best you part ways and you institute NC that people on both sides of the equation are going to have to deal with their own personal pain and grief. EVERYONE suffers, your xMW like I posted previously isn't immune to suffering unless she's a sociopath. It's just that this is the only way she knows how to deal with it and what you are experiencing is not abnormal, in her mind she needs to shut you out so you don't make her feel pain anymore by interacting with her.

 

That said you have to decide what you want to do about it now. And, you may find that's not a simple decision either as you obviously felt it was ok to have an A and you do seem to care about and love your wife. If you choose your wife then you need to work on letting go of xMW, don't think 'I hate her' means you let go as it's just another phase of grief on the path of letting go, you'll know you let go when you feel indifferent about her. This is why it's good to go to counseling, even if your W doesn't want to go it's good for you to figure it all out. Keep in mind, part of your wife's concern about xMW reaching out to you is the fact that she doesn't trust you anymore, she has a lot of pent up anger also and she needs to grieve the loss of her marriage... that is the marriage she believed she had with you.

 

Keep posting and keep us up to date as you work through the process.

[RickFox]

For a long time I used to think the same then I came to the realization that those who really want to leave, just move the hell out.

 

I also realized that MM are perfectly able to leave for their single OW (2 of my friends who were MM) although they had 2 young children each and properties.

 

MW are different. Unless they really can't stand their H, they are more attached to security. Having a good decent H plus security make them often suck it up and stay even if it hurts them a lot. They often rationalize, trying to convince themselves that they love their H while in fact it is only familiarity and attachment.

 

 

 

 

 

She looks like the kind of enjoying having 2 turkeys for her.

 

People are not stupid. They often notice who's having an A. Lucklily it wasn't at your work.

 

 

In affairs like in any other R, there is always one that loves more. You loved her more and I don't think she ever loved you.

 

 

 

I feel sorry for your wife. You should give her a chance, she sounds like a decent good woman.

 

 

Because the security was not her reason to stay, so your offer was pointless to her. She didn't want to have a life with you. Just the thrill and sex.

 

 

Yeah, this doesn't mean anything to her. It shows that she is playing you and she has zero respect for her H.

 

She is competing with your wife, plain jealousy.

 

On the other side she is protecting her a$$. She is afraid that you or your wife tell hir H. It is ALL about her as always.

 

 

She did some other things, made requests, and I did them, and I realize now it was about control, what could she do to get me to do 'that'. When she texted me out of the blue and said, "I don't know why Im telling you this, but Im going to the store in 15 minutes" I knew exactly why she was telling me, it was jump puppet, jump. I didn't jump.

 

Then she sent me a text asking me if I was going to get the tattoo we talked about. She was going to go with me to get a tat on my shoulder and I told her I was not. She asked why and I said we are no longer together, there is no reason for it. She pushed a bit more said I would look good with it, then she said, "oops, I almost said the other "L" word. Who says that in a text? I realized right there she was trying to manipulate me. I still want a tattoo, just not what we talked about. Sadly, there was one point where I was going to hide her name in the tattoo. Can you imagine the hold she would have on me, knowing that her name was tattooed on my body, especially if I was still with my wife.

 

As far as the tonality of her text calling me a stalker.....welllllll, I thought about that too, and it was never followed with a j/k or an lol and that was the last time we had contact, so I think she truly felt that since I asked if she was back from her trip I was stalking her. Same as if I showed up at the same place she shopped, she'd probably call me a stalker even if it was unintentional.

 

My wife, as I realize now, is a wonderful woman, a great mother, and very sexy, who deserves so much more from me, and I am trying to be a good husband. I cry just as much for her and the pain Ive caused as I do for the xMW. I am giving her a chance just as she has given me a HUGE chance to make us work. We fight for this marriage every day and if I don't express my feelings somehow than I can't give her my all, but to tell her I sometimes feel for the other woman or think of her will set us back even more. I want to move forward with her, I know it won't be easy and I read this site for a while searching for answers before I posted.

 

I know there are some here who will judge me, and have, and that's fine. I have never claimed to be perfect nor will I ever be and I F'ed up Royally. I know that, thing is, if I don't acknowledge how I feel, I do no justice to myself or my relationship.

 

It is hell to have fallen for someone else and know that you hurt someone who loved you so deeply and then to try and find them again and have them find you, all the while struggling with your own stupidity and selfishness.

[RickFox]

Rick, simple question.

 

What is your "goal"? What outcome is it that you're hoping for at this point from the whole situation? Where do you want to be at this point?

 

My goal is to be a great husband and an even greater father, and if I cannot be a husband to my wife anymore than I want to be great to someone else. My goal though is to make my marriage solid, to work at it, to build on what we have and to show her that I am making amends.

 

I want to be at the point that if the xMW shows back up after her marriage goes sour again (and part of me believes she might just to see if she can make me dance) that I can look her in the eyes, hold up my hand to her and tell her, 'not interested.'

 

This was the first morning I came home after dropping my daughter off at school and did not cry myself into anger. I'm sure it will happen again, there are a lot of memories of her and I around this area and at the school, I truly thought she was a good person but she's shown me otherwise but I need to move on, just as she supposedly has. Of course she said she's always been good at putting up a front but so am I, my job entails hiding emotion and compartmentalizing...with her I did neither.

 

I want to be a success at my relationship and not a pawn of someone else.

[East7]

My wife, as I realize now, is a wonderful woman, a great mother, and very sexy, who deserves so much more from me, and I am trying to be a good husband. I cry just as much for her and the pain Ive caused as I do for the xMW. I am giving her a chance just as she has given me a HUGE chance to make us work.

 

I feel for you man..Your MW is a selfish b1tch ! She doesn't deserve anything.

 

Your wife is the woman who REALLY loves you and she is giving you a chance to fix yourself. She deserves it all.

 

We men realize the value of a woman when we loose her. If you had lost her, I think you'd hear the warning alarms in your head and run after her instead of longing for your MW. Just realize how patient and wonderful woman she is. She deserves the best of you.

[RickFox]

I wish more men would write about their struggles. Women go through the same ordeal. I will say that I get very angry when people try to dismiss their emotions. It is a part of life. I know the correct thing to do is not to live by our emotions but still yet no one is accepting of their emotions. Why? Who knows? It’s not wrong to feel something for someone else. It’s not wrong to bond with someone. The only reason it becomes wrong is when you cross the line of not ending a prior relationship to explore a new one. Everyone is stuck on no you are not suppose to feel these emotions. You are human… You are supposed to feel attraction for others if that’s what your senses drift towards. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I just wanted to say that.

 

As far as your statement about being together 17 years, I’m not sure you even had a dating history to know what you really like. You are shocked you’re attracted to a woman such as that says many things. You never lived. I always tell young ones explore your options just don’t rush into a relationship/marriage, live your life first.

 

You are not a stalker! Don’t be angry about the statement reason being TEXT is just that TEXT. You have no clue about her tonality. It could have been a joke and not intended as an insult.

 

Be happy she is not saying hello. Be happy she is drifting away. This give you time to work on you. Try and find out what you want in life. Find out about you. It’s obvious that this relationship has shocked you and there are things about your life you never imagined. You need to find the real you. Get to work.

 

I hope this helps somewhat. Please keep posting in this section sometimes a male perspective is needed. Things will get better, promise.

 

Thank you, I know they will but it is sometimes hard to remember it when the world around you seems dark.

 

As far as dating history, I dated before I met my wife, but I wasn't a manwhore, being raised by my mom I was told and expected to treat women with respect (screwed up there eh). My relationships were not one night stands and when I met my wife, we were in junior college, we dated for three years before we decided to get married and yes, we were young. I was 22 and she was 20. My wife has even less dating history.

 

Normally, I have a specific look I go for and the 'alternative' look is not one of them so yeah I was shocked a bit but it was her outgoing personality and semi obnoxious behavior that intrigued me. My wife is very prim and proper, so essentially they are polar opposites.

 

I asked her why she was attracted to me, she said she is into tall and lanky guys and I am not tall but 5'9 and a bodybuilder. She always commented on my arms and chest and of course that fed my ego. She told me when I first walked in and she saw me I had a "quiet confidence" that she noticed. I'm thinking I had sucker written all over me, I don't know.

 

When I accepted her 'invite', she said she never expected me to accept, that I appeared to be a straight laced family guy. I told her I never expected to have an offer nor did I think I'd accept it either. My wife thinks she saw a guy who loved his daughter, picked her up every day, and was a 'family man.' She says the OW saw it and wanted it for herself. Then again my wife also thinks that the OW and I would be together if she hadn't gotten in the way and I tell her that it would never have happened and I would never have trusted her and it would have been short lived.

 

My wife is a good woman, a patient and kind woman, and there are days where I have told her to call the xMW's H and tell him, meet him and show him the texts. Then I've gotten a voice in my head that says, that will free her from her punishment that her punishment is her marriage. I still wonder if he should know but then that opens up another set of issues and I think I've got enough of those.

[RickFox]

I feel for you man..Your MW is a selfish b1tch ! She doesn't deserve anything.

 

Your wife is the woman who REALLY loves you and she is giving you a chance to fix yourself. She deserves it all.

 

We men realize the value of a woman when we loose her. If you had lost her, I think you'd hear the warning alarms in your head and run after her instead of longing for your MW. Just realize how patient and wonderful woman she is. She deserves the best of you.

 

She is and she does and I'm trying, thank you. The alarms were there, but it was and is like an addiction, a drug so to speak, the need for more more more of that excitement when everything else is ho hum.

 

I'm fighting it, and since Im off this weekend I want to devote as much time as I can to make my family, mine, once again.

[thomasb]

.

My wife is a good woman, a patient and kind woman, and there are days where I have told her to call the xMW's H and tell him, meet him and show him the texts. Then I've gotten a voice in my head that says, that will free her from her punishment that her punishment is her marriage. I still wonder if he should know but then that opens up another set of issues and I think I've got enough of those.

 

 

I'm curious as to why you think you have the right to keep this knowledge from her husband? You don't think you have invaded his life enough by sleeping with his wife! Now you get to decide his future? Give him a chance to live an authentic life as well.

[Owl]

So here's my thought.

 

You want to be a great husband and father. That is a commendable goal...obtainable too, but it's going to take you some serious work and time to get there (no insult whatsoever intended here).

 

Here's my thought. Don't give OW a CHANCE to come back and look you in the eye. She needs to be removed from your life, completely, totally, unmistakably, and irrevocably.

 

Make it crystal clear that she'll never be welcome in your presence again. Then BLOCK her from being able to easily come back into your life. Block her calls, block her emails, and make sure that she can't just "show up" in some fashion without massive repercussions.

 

Take effort to prevent yourself from contacting her in a moment of weakness. Remove her from YOUR contacts, email, phone, etc...

 

Give your wife full access to all of these as well. Make sure your wife knows HOW the two of you communicated, so that she knows what to watch going forward.

 

This has the added benefit of beginning the long, hard process of rebuilding your trustworthiness to your wife.

 

Suggest to your wife that the two of you start marriage counselling (MC) and individual counseling (IC) to help you both recover from the damage done, both as a couple and as individuals.

 

Last thought...realize that this is not going to be over tomorrow...or next week...or next month...nor next year. It typically takes 2-5 years to recover a marriage from infidelity, IF IT EVER DOES.

 

It's not impossible. My wife and I recovered our marriage after her EA. But it took a lot of work and effort on both parts.

 

Realize that, make it clear to your wife that you're in it for the long haul...and start doing the heavy lifting to make it happen.

 

Check out "Surviving an affair"...it's a good book that can help both of you understand what each other is going through right now as a result of what's gone on.

[RickFox]

I'm curious as to why you think you have the right to keep this knowledge from her husband? You don't think you have invaded his life enough by sleeping with his wife! Now you get to decide his future? Give him a chance to live an authentic life as well.

 

Yep sure have, I have invaded his life more than I ever wanted to. What right do I have to destroy his family? Is that revenge or doing him a favor?

 

Someone asked me once, if your spouse was cheating on you, would you want know about it, or live in ignorant bliss. For me, it was not as cut and dried as I would have liked it.

 

I'm not deciding his future for him at all, she will decide his future, if she does it again or decides he isn't for her, my choice or my wife's choice decides at this point that they have a shot to reconcile their relationship.

[thomasb]

Yep sure have, I have invaded his life more than I ever wanted to. What right do I have to destroy his family? Is that revenge or doing him a favor?

 

Someone asked me once, if your spouse was cheating on you, would you want know about it, or live in ignorant bliss. For me, it was not as cut and dried as I would have liked it.

 

I'm not deciding his future for him at all, she will decide his future, if she does it again or decides he isn't for her, my choice or my wife's choice decides at this point that they have a shot to reconcile their relationship.[/QUOte/

 

She has no right to decide his future. He does. And the least you could do now is give him the power to make an informed choice.

[Owl]

Yep sure have, I have invaded his life more than I ever wanted to. What right do I have to destroy his family? Is that revenge or doing him a favor?

 

Someone asked me once, if your spouse was cheating on you, would you want know about it, or live in ignorant bliss. For me, it was not as cut and dried as I would have liked it.

 

I'm not deciding his future for him at all, she will decide his future, if she does it again or decides he isn't for her, my choice or my wife's choice decides at this point that they have a shot to reconcile their relationship.

 

Coming from a former betrayed spouse here.

 

You've ALREADY impacted his life, his family, his marriage, by having an affair with his wife.

 

Your contacting him now and making sure he's aware of it isn't the damage-dealer here...the damage is already done, he just doesn't know it yet.

 

And he's living his life and marriage under the lie that she's been faithful.

 

Contacting and informing him isn't some act of revenge or destruction on your part...it's actually an act of decency to give him the chance to make the same informed choices that your wife made. If you think about it...it's not going to be pleasent for you at all...but acknowldedging what you've done and starting to take active measures to repair the damage you've done is a good step in the right direction.

 

Don't dodge taking these steps because you find them uncomfortable or distasteful.

 

If you were in his shoes...wouldn't you rather know so that you could make YOUR OWN informed choice whether to continue your marriage or not, based on that new information?

[RickFox]

Coming from a former betrayed spouse here.

 

You've ALREADY impacted his life, his family, his marriage, by having an affair with his wife.

 

Your contacting him now and making sure he's aware of it isn't the damage-dealer here...the damage is already done, he just doesn't know it yet.

 

And he's living his life and marriage under the lie that she's been faithful.

 

Contacting and informing him isn't some act of revenge or destruction on your part...it's actually an act of decency to give him the chance to make the same informed choices that your wife made. If you think about it...it's not going to be pleasent for you at all...but acknowldedging what you've done and starting to take active measures to repair the damage you've done is a good step in the right direction.

 

Don't dodge taking these steps because you find them uncomfortable or distasteful.

 

If you were in his shoes...wouldn't you rather know so that you could make YOUR OWN informed choice whether to continue your marriage or not, based on that new information?

 

Honestly, if I was in his shoes, I dont think I'd want to know, it's very difficult to say but if I did want to know, I'd rather it come from the other person and not the one who was involved in the A. As of now, my wife and I have spoken about it, she made the choice not to say anything in the beginning and has asked me not to for the time being.