Hello

[StrongerThanB4]

We are talking about a 3 month affair here! Seriously...theres definately got to be much more here than this undying love for someone you screwed for 3 months!

[awkward]

Ironically in three months you could be pining for your wife because she might be using this time to get over you while you're so busy getting over XMOW.

 

Right now you seem like you can't focus on anything but XMOW and your pain. Unless you are a great actor, it probably shows at home. I'm not condemning you because you have to go through the pain to get to the other side. I'm just trying to point out that unless you want to lose everything, you might want to work on reconciling your marriage at the same time.

[RickFox]

While the 'affair' lasted a bit over 3 months, there was alot more going on prior to .... other areas I won't go into, during that time, the building up to it, connections made and the like and that went on for far longer than three months.

 

Like I said, I'm focused on my wife moreso when she's around, it's the down time where my mind wanders. There was a much more far reaching emotional connection she and I built up over time than physical and that is where the difficulty comes in.

[stressed7]

In my opinion with all the hurting, this is also the time to start building up your ego around her. Ask yourself would you let anyone else treat you like this ? Agreed with her it was different but also try to berate yourself for feeling bad for someone who doesn't give a damn. There are people around who loves you and you are pining for someone who does not give an iota of importance.

Thoughts like these did help me, so may be you should give it a try.

[RickFox]

In my opinion with all the hurting, this is also the time to start building up your ego around her. Ask yourself would you let anyone else treat you like this ? Agreed with her it was different but also try to berate yourself for feeling bad for someone who doesn't give a damn. There are people around who loves you and you are pining for someone who does not give an iota of importance.

Thoughts like these did help me, so may be you should give it a try.

 

Ive done and do that and like I said, I have my good days but I have my bad days too. The absolute worst time for me is in the morning as I would spend all my time with her from early morning when I got off work, get minimal sleep, and once more when I got up. On my days off I'd skip sleep and spend as much time as possible with her and we'd spend hours talking and hanging out and acting stupid in public and wherever else.

 

I remind myself all the time that she doesnt give a damn and it pisses me off, but I think the thing that bothers me the most is the complete lack of caring and selfishness on her part. Right now, Im fine, don't give a dang, but come the morning when I drop off my kid, it hits and I don't know why.

 

What I dont understand, and want to figure out is, some of you say oh yeah, shell be back....how on earth can someone justify coming back to you after #1 telling you you're a stalker, #2 having absolutely no contact with you whatsoever and acting like you don't exist and #3, telling lies about you to others? Where on earth would she get the cajones to try and roll back into my life?

 

As far as focusing on my wife, trust me, I am, and much of the time when I get sad or depressed around her, it is not because of the OW, it is because I know how I treated her during that time. I know how I made her feel and while I've pined for someone who doesn't want me, I now pine for my wife who isn't sure I want her. My wife reminds me of the connection she saw between me and the OW, she has said she wants to have that with me again, how much it hurt her to see me with a new best friend who had my full attention, so it was much more than the short time of the physical affair but the emotional aspect that went on far before we moved into the physical.

Edited September 30, 2011 by RickFox

[stressed7]

 

What I dont understand, and want to figure out is, some of you say oh yeah, shell be back....how on earth can someone justify coming back to you after #1 telling you you're a stalker, #2 having absolutely no contact with you whatsoever and acting like you don't exist and #3, telling lies about you to others? Where on earth would she get the cajones to try and roll back into my life?

 

 

I can speculate on this. She would not think so much of what she has said in the past or done before she initiates contact with you. She will simply contact you. Remember it is you who is constantly thinking of those words/actions, but may be not her. When she calls back, you might forget those past things as well, and would rather look to spend those few minutes in good way. You will only think of the positives or will try to rationalize the bad happenings. For e.g. she will say, I was kidding when I wrote that, and you would be - she might have been kidding. You will not ask why this explanation came late. Not every one pores that much on words or past actions.

 

Let me ask you this though - are you waiting for her to initiate contact ? Please don't even if some part of you is waiting for it.

 

I also feel that duration of affair does not matter, it hurts the same.

[East7]

She would not think so much of what she has said in the past or done before she initiates contact with you. She will simply contact you. Remember it is you who is constantly thinking of those words/actions, but may be not her.

 

I can relate on this based on my experience with xMW. Don't take her words too seriously. She may as well tell you she will never talk to you and come back like nothing happened. Men (especially OM) tend to over-analyze women's words.

 

She is probably addicted to you, but that doesn't means she loves you. At some point she will want to appease her addiction or go nostalgic about the fling and then contact you. It won't change anything, expect for putting you back in the roller-coaster. As you are addicted too, part of you will be happy that she's back. It will take time until you realize who she is.

 

Dr. Phil had a good analogy about affairs :

 

He said affairs are like getting a sliver of an amazing pie. The sliver makes you want more. But you only get the sliver of that amazing pie intermittently. So you begin to dream about that pie. You crave it, you want it ! Pretty soon in your mind that pie becomes the best pie you ever had.

[RickFox]

I can speculate on this. She would not think so much of what she has said in the past or done before she initiates contact with you. She will simply contact you. Remember it is you who is constantly thinking of those words/actions, but may be not her. When she calls back, you might forget those past things as well, and would rather look to spend those few minutes in good way. You will only think of the positives or will try to rationalize the bad happenings. For e.g. she will say, I was kidding when I wrote that, and you would be - she might have been kidding. You will not ask why this explanation came late. Not every one pores that much on words or past actions.

 

Let me ask you this though - are you waiting for her to initiate contact ? Please don't even if some part of you is waiting for it.

 

I also feel that duration of affair does not matter, it hurts the same.

 

Several weeks back I was waiting for her to initiate contact, hoping she would. Now, the part that hopes she does is the part that wants to put my hand in her face and turn around and walk away. I actually dread the thought of her trying to re establish a connection, despite my feelings for the woman, I don't want to subject myself to more ups and downs and it wouldn't be fair to my wife and daughter.

[RickFox]

I can relate on this based on my experience with xMW. Don't take her words too seriously. She may as well tell you she will never talk to you and come back like nothing happened. Men (especially OM) tend to over-analyze women's words.

 

She is probably addicted to you, but that doesn't means she loves you. At some point she will want to appease her addiction or go nostalgic about the fling and then contact you. It won't change anything, expect for putting you back in the roller-coaster. As you are addicted too, part of you will be happy that she's back. It will take time until you realize who she is.

 

Dr. Phil had a good analogy about affairs :

 

He said affairs are like getting a sliver of an amazing pie. The sliver makes you want more. But you only get the sliver of that amazing pie intermittently. So you begin to dream about that pie. You crave it, you want it ! Pretty soon in your mind that pie becomes the best pie you ever had.

 

Yes, I understand the addiction on my end. Let me give you an example, shortly after things cooled off, she told me she was at the local Wal Mart shopping with her daughter. I showed up and it was hard for me to contain my emotions. She seemed to be doing so much better than me, and I told her that I wished it was as easy for me to move on as it seemed she had. She responded by saying,or reminding me that she was good at putting up a facade and it was easier to not feel the pull toward me that she anticipated. Man, that was like a slap in the face. I know now she was in control and showing me that, I was the one who would crawl back and ask for more.

 

Just based on how she treated me there, occupied herself thru the entire summer, only responded if I texted her and they were usally brief and entailed, "ok gotta go tttyl." I obviously don't know her, but I think someone like this may feel the risk is too great since she got caught as she knows my wife would then tell her husband, and if she gets the itch again, she will look elsewhere........or stay with the familiar and try to be more careful........who the frack knows.

 

I do see her more for what she is, but there's that little part of me that says, Hmm, I can fix her, change her, ...... and I know I couldn't.

[East7]

As for the Walmart episode, I don't think she lied, it just meant that she was controlling herself. Women are good at putting up smiling faces even when they are boiling inside.

 

She may come back with the old "lets-stay-friends" line..I wouldn't be surprised.

[RickFox]

I tried to add in the following but it wouldn't let me:

 

 

After our final meeting at Wal Mart's parking lot, where we kissed and she said she couldn't do it anymore, she texted me saying she was a bad person who had done bad things; I said goodbye; no contact for five hours; a flood of 8 texts saying she needed me; then a text saying she was finally at peace, we would never be physical and she was okay with that..... These are why I believe there will be no contact from her and yes that is a good thing...but I find far more people disagreeing with me, even a close friend....and ...well...me no likey that viewpoint. It's also why I think she might be a bit off her rocker as well.

[RickFox]

As for the Walmart episode, I don't think she lied, it just meant that she was controlling herself. Women are good at putting up smiling faces even when they are boiling inside.

 

She may come back with the old "lets-stay-friends" line..I wouldn't be surprised.

 

And that would be her lead in to let's have fun for old times sake........?

[East7]

And that would be her lead in to let's have fun for old times sake........?

 

Affirmative soldier !

 

She'll miss the old good thrill. Just because she told you she won't contact you doesn't mean she never will. Where did you see any consistency in her actions and words ?

 

When you stayed strong and told her you were done, she was overwhelmed with the feelings of loss. Affair or not, when someone dumps you, it hurts. That's why she flooded you with texts. Then she had the WTF-am-I-doing instant and she said "I am in peace". Just her talking to herself.

 

It is all about HER, never forget this.

[RickFox]

Affirmative soldier !

 

She'll miss the old good thrill. Just because she told you she won't contact you doesn't mean she never will. Where did you see any consistency in her actions and words ?

 

When you stayed strong and told her you were done, she was overwhelmed with the feelings of loss. Affair or not, when someone dumps you, it hurts. That's why she flooded you with texts. Then she had the WTF-am-I-doing instant and she said "I am in peace". Just her talking to herself.

 

It is all about HER, never forget this.

 

Ok, well, right now, this very moment, I am having a great morning. Had a great drop off, and yes, I saw the woman's vehicle and her daughter waved at me and I waved back and smiled at her. I feel good, there is no sadness.

 

Ok, so when she told me that she reconnected with her H, should I see that as her just talking to herself too?

 

I feel like I gotta do everything i can to prepare myself should this happen as I don't need nor do I want to take any more steps back. From what you're saying it would appear that the less I am in contact and not in her view or field of vision, the more it's going to tug at her.... is that not the complete opposite of what I want?

[East7]

Ok, so when she told me that she reconnected with her H, should I see that as her just talking to herself too?

 

why would you give a damn if she reconnected or not ?

Focus on yourself, on you wife instead of focusing on her.

 

From what you're saying it would appear that the less I am in contact and not in her view or field of vision, the more it's going to tug at her.... is that not the complete opposite of what I want?

Oh yes the more you ignore her, the more she will be pining for you. Just know that at the very moment she will have her fix (you caving in) she will turn you the back and tell you how happy she is with her H.

[Fight4Me]

I think that one of the HARDEST things to do is rebuilding a M, and wanting to, but all the while, hurting and grieving the loss of another R. You can't talk through it, and many times your spouse will probably ask you what is wrong. And you so badly want to say "i'm hurting", but so are they, and we did it to them, so we can't talk through it. Its awful. I understand what you are saying.

 

In the aftermath of my fWH's six week affair, his pain was undeniable and, I don't know how I did it, but I managed to step outside myself to focus on his healing first. I already knew it was going to take a friggin long time for me, but I needed a "whole" husband who could handle what I threw at him in order for it to ever happen at all. So, in tandem with counseling from our church, I encouraged my husband to share with me his pain over "losing" her.

 

To back up, HE was the one who came to me to confess in the first place, and he was the one who broke things off with the xOW. I honestly don't know if I would have had the strength to be his sounding board if it wasn't for that, but who knows?

 

Anyway, my point is that by allowing him to open up to me, the more clarity he would have that so much of what he thought was going on was a big fat hairy self-induced deception... right down to the rewriting of our marital history (over 20 years worth).

 

I am convinced that this facilitated the hastening of his healing... in fact, it was much faster than I had ever thought possible. And thank God, too, because his true remorse (not just guilt or regret) was what I needed to start my own journey to healing. My pain was not easy for him to deal with, but he OWNED it. Whenever the xOW tried to make contact, he showed it to me, and we ignored her TOGETHER as a team. When the xOW brazenly came after me personally out of the blue in the most heinous of ways, he was a whole man who was there to protect his wife and family from harm, something he expressed deeply that he should have done from the beginning.

 

The whole point of my post is not to suggest that you confide every detail to your BW like you are doing here, but to at least confess to her that you don't want to slip up should the xOW contact you again. Tell her you need her help because she knows you best! You both need to be a united front if you have any hope of salvaging your marriage. Go back to the beginning of your courtship and reminisce together. Again, my fWH completely rewrote history to the point where he actually said he thought we had never loved each other. Well, I happened to have kept our love letters from long ago, and my gawd... we were so hopelessly in love we almost gagged after reading them together. LOL And yes, we were married somewhat young, 21 and 22, and we had some great years and some bad ones, but we weathered them.

 

It has been about 2-1/2 years since the A, and we are fully and happily reconciled. A lot of things had to change, though, and my husband had to do the vast majority of the heavy lifting because of the trust he destroyed. I now trust him completely, but it's not blind... it's based on wisdom, which is far more valuable anyway.

 

I realize in this economy that it may be difficult to do, but is there any way you could get a shift change, or somehow find employment that lines up more closely with your wife's schedule? This would be a big help in closing that gap of opportunity.

 

Keep going to therapy even if your wife does not. She may choose to join you once she sees hope of a stronger husband emerging from working on himself. Whatever you do, be honest with her, though. Don't keep her dangling in a marriage if it's only because you don't want to be alone. She may love you very much and be willing to forgive you, but I guarantee she doesn't want to be strung along for your own selfish purposes. You're either all in or you're all out.

 

Good luck and God bless!

[Circular]

As for the Walmart episode, I don't think she lied, it just meant that she was controlling herself. Women are good at putting up smiling faces even when they are boiling inside.

 

She may come back with the old "lets-stay-friends" line..I wouldn't be surprised.

 

 

Yes, this is exactly right. Truthfully in my whole life I've noticed that men, once their vulnerable side is exposed we are quite challenged to cover it up and make it seem like everything is ok, it takes some serious work. Women on the other hand are masters at concealing what's going on internally, I don't know how they do it. What's worse is that in situations like ours us guys are left totally confused by the situation.

 

All I can say here is that you just need to mentally prepare yourself that she is going to reach out, and it might be as simple as 'hi, how's it going?' so it appears friendly. You are going to need to be firm in your resolve about your decisions.

 

Just remember there is "The devil you know" and most A's are built on a secret pact between the parties, it's not common for women to have multiple A's and typically if they do it again it's relapse.

[RickFox]

Yes, this is exactly right. Truthfully in my whole life I've noticed that men, once their vulnerable side is exposed we are quite challenged to cover it up and make it seem like everything is ok, it takes some serious work. Women on the other hand are masters at concealing what's going on internally, I don't know how they do it. What's worse is that in situations like ours us guys are left totally confused by the situation.

 

All I can say here is that you just need to mentally prepare yourself that she is going to reach out, and it might be as simple as 'hi, how's it going?' so it appears friendly. You are going to need to be firm in your resolve about your decisions.

 

Just remember there is "The devil you know" and most A's are built on a secret pact between the parties, it's not common for women to have multiple A's and typically if they do it again it's relapse.

 

That's why I ask these questions, such as what is the meaning behind her telling me she reconnected...to help me better understand her and her motives IF she attempts to reconnect with me and better prepare myself to protect me.

 

I'm having a real hard time believing that she will though, just based on her actions from the end until now. I can't see her as looking at me as any type of addiction because You'd think that by now she wouldn't have been able to take it anymore and tried some way to talk.......or I just don't understand women (which is a very true statement).

 

In any case, it's a good day, there has been no low, only happiness and a desire to spend the weekend with my family.

 

Circular, you say most A's are built on a "secret pact", forgive my ignorance, explain please.

[norajane]

Dr. Phil had a good analogy about affairs :

 

He said affairs are like getting a sliver of an amazing pie. The sliver makes you want more. But you only get the sliver of that amazing pie intermittently. So you begin to dream about that pie. You crave it, you want it ! Pretty soon in your mind that pie becomes the best pie you ever had.

 

Dr Phil should have added: But if you get the whole pie all to yourself all the time, every day, all day, for years on end it becomes just as ordinary as the pie you currently are disdaining. Sometimes, it doesn't even take years to feel that way, but days or weeks.

 

OP, trust me, your xMW's sh*t stinks, too. You just didn't have to deal with it every day, all day, years on end.

 

And no, MC won't work while you're lying (or hiding) your feelings and thoughts about xMW. MC doesn't work unless both partners are being fully honest, especially about the really hard stuff.

[Circular]

That's why I ask these questions, such as what is the meaning behind her telling me she reconnected...to help me better understand her and her motives IF she attempts to reconnect with me and better prepare myself to protect me.

 

It means "I refuse to be vulnerable with you because its too painful, and since you are reconnecting with your W and you are pushing me aside I need to put this wall between us and make you think you meant nothing as well."

 

I'm having a real hard time believing that she will though, just based on her actions from the end until now. I can't see her as looking at me as any type of addiction because You'd think that by now she wouldn't have been able to take it anymore and tried some way to talk.......or I just don't understand women (which is a very true statement).

 

What man really does?

 

In any case, it's a good day, there has been no low, only happiness and a desire to spend the weekend with my family.

 

That's great to hear! I'm glad your life is turning more that direction. It's a strange paradox we find ourselves in; me, enjoying time with my W and looking forward to things together, reconnecting, etc... but there's this hole that's always there, odd but I too continue to work on it.

 

Circular, you say most A's are built on a "secret pact", forgive my ignorance, explain please.

 

All A's are built on a trust-bond between the parties, it usually develops over time. It starts when you start engaging with the other person, you develop a friendship, there is a connection, and both parties continue to 'test' the boundaries. When an A develops there are risks being taken by both parties in hopes of reciprocation (not saying it's all conscious), when the reciprocation happens the trust-bond becomes stronger. Once those boundaries are crossed that trust-bond takes on a new meaning, it's a pact between both people to keep it secretive, you are putting an amazingly high level of trust in the other person. And, inherently you believe you can trust this person with anything.

 

Thing is you are a known entity and what happened between you never went full-cycle. When you say 'the devil you know' it means that she knows that it would be 1000x easier to try to re-connect with you then try to starts something with someone else and when that old-feeling comes back of maybe feeling neglected by her H, or under appreciated, or whatever her reasons are she'll most likely look to you first because you both had an attachment with each other. That attachment rarely truly dies, sorry to tell you that, for most it goes dormant and you'd be surprised how readily it can pop up again when you least expect it.

[norajane]

That attachment rarely truly dies, sorry to tell you that, for most it goes dormant and you'd be surprised how readily it can pop up again when you least expect it.

 

Doesn't that attachment concept work with the spouse, too? I imagine there is FAR more attachment between husband and wife.

[RickFox]

It means "I refuse to be vulnerable with you because its too painful, and since you are reconnecting with your W and you are pushing me aside I need to put this wall between us and make you think you meant nothing as well."

 

 

 

What man really does?

 

 

 

That's great to hear! I'm glad your life is turning more that direction. It's a strange paradox we find ourselves in; me, enjoying time with my W and looking forward to things together, reconnecting, etc... but there's this hole that's always there, odd but I too continue to work on it.

 

 

 

All A's are built on a trust-bond between the parties, it usually develops over time. It starts when you start engaging with the other person, you develop a friendship, there is a connection, and both parties continue to 'test' the boundaries. When an A develops there are risks being taken by both parties in hopes of reciprocation (not saying it's all conscious), when the reciprocation happens the trust-bond becomes stronger. Once those boundaries are crossed that trust-bond takes on a new meaning, it's a pact between both people to keep it secretive, you are putting an amazingly high level of trust in the other person. And, inherently you believe you can trust this person with anything.

 

Thing is you are a known entity and what happened between you never went full-cycle. When you say 'the devil you know' it means that she knows that it would be 1000x easier to try to re-connect with you then try to starts something with someone else and when that old-feeling comes back of maybe feeling neglected by her H, or under appreciated, or whatever her reasons are she'll most likely look to you first because you both had an attachment with each other. That attachment rarely truly dies, sorry to tell you that, for most it goes dormant and you'd be surprised how readily it can pop up again when you least expect it.

 

In regards to her reconnecting, she did ask me if I had and during that time I told her no and when I asked she said she had.

 

 

I hear you on the "hole", and I think when we allowed that person in our lives to fill whatever void it was they were there for, that part of them always remains, so that hole is there and all we can do is try and fill around it so the 'sand' starts to fall in it and fill it up a bit. It will never fully be closed though, especially if it's a shameful memory of what we did to our spouses.

 

I'd be interested to know, and since Im new around here, out of the folks who've had affairs, both male and female, what percentage of these folks have had their xOW/xOMs or xMW or xMM return to them and try and re establish some type of communication, be it romantic or otherwise.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm looking at it from my perspective and saying this woman seems to hate me and does everything she can to avoid me (as I do her) so I have a hard time seeing that she will attempt this. I could be wrong, its' been known to happen...........alot.

[Circular]

Doesn't that attachment concept work with the spouse, too? I imagine there is FAR more attachment between husband and wife.

 

Definitely, matter of fact there are a tons of stories I've read where one spouse leaves to be with the OM/OW and then a reverse-affair starts. Crazy world we live in, huh?

[Circular]

In regards to her reconnecting, she did ask me if I had and during that time I told her no and when I asked she said she had.

 

 

I hear you on the "hole", and I think when we allowed that person in our lives to fill whatever void it was they were there for, that part of them always remains, so that hole is there and all we can do is try and fill around it so the 'sand' starts to fall in it and fill it up a bit. It will never fully be closed though, especially if it's a shameful memory of what we did to our spouses.

 

I'd be interested to know, and since Im new around here, out of the folks who've had affairs, both male and female, what percentage of these folks have had their xOW/xOMs or xMW or xMM return to them and try and re establish some type of communication, be it romantic or otherwise.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm looking at it from my perspective and saying this woman seems to hate me and does everything she can to avoid me (as I do her) so I have a hard time seeing that she will attempt this. I could be wrong, its' been known to happen...........alot.

 

Well, my circumstance was different so we are in LC, it's all friendly though. She broke NC a few times before I finally responded. We don't talk about the A.

 

Look, she might never contact you again, that's a possibility but odds say she most likely will. All the things you say she is towards you are not indifference, they are reactions, reactions are tied to emotions whether they are hate or love feelings makes no difference it's still emotion. When someone feels nothing towards another person they do not react, they do not cover their face, they do not give the evil-eye, etc.. etc..

 

By the way she told you outright she was putting up a front, I think she was being 100% honest with you.

[RickFox]

Well, my circumstance was different so we are in LC, it's all friendly though. She broke NC a few times before I finally responded. We don't talk about the A.

 

Look, she might never contact you again, that's a possibility but odds say she most likely will. All the things you say she is towards you are not indifference, they are reactions, reactions are tied to emotions whether they are hate or love feelings makes no difference it's still emotion. When someone feels nothing towards another person they do not react, they do not cover their face, they do not give the evil-eye, etc.. etc..

 

By the way she told you outright she was putting up a front, I think she was being 100% honest with you.

 

She just said she was good at putting up a front as she put it on to show the world she was happily married. I've seen their issues firsthand but it doesn't mean that they don't have happiness...I wasn't there 24/7.

 

Not sure I can believe anything she ever said or says.......not that it matters.

 

I honestly don't think she'll ever try and contact me, she's cold hearted or so I tell myself........or maybe I'm lying to myself .... day by day....day by day damnit