Hello

[RickFox]

Originally posted by East 7 in a different thread:

 

 

Steve, it doesn't matter if u know her since 10 years or 10 months, the patterns r the same. She will be adorable and loving when she will need u back and a heartless b*tch when she will feel better with hubby and have his attention. This is smth that kept me on the loop for months ! Me wondering why the heck is she so inconsistent. I would setback each time she would come all sweet and loving to me and get slaps in the face (not literally) each time she was done with me. I wasn't realizing I was her punching ball to kick each time she was frustrated with herself and I spent my time wondering why is she telling me she loves me and then being a b*tch with me. I was sad like hell !!!

 

Please run my friend! She will hurt you. Yes she might be the most amazing high fuzzy feelings, greater sex partner lover and friend, yet your worst enemy ! Why settle for crumbs, why being her 2nd option, her second-class relationship, her little dirty secret, her shoulder when she feels empty, her spoiled-child toy. Man don't let her humiliate you. I am so angry for u...

She is insecure and have low self esteem, unless she would never have cheated....

 

===========================================================================

I found this in SteveS' thread, I wanted to put it in mine as I want to read this to myself IF my xMW comes back to me. I want to remind myself she was in control, I was only there for her, not her for me, that she never loved me only the idea of me and that I was never going to be there for her in the future, that I was a 'right now' kind of guy.

 

East7, if I can ask you, obviously you speak from experience, how long did she take a break from you before she wiggled her way back into your life?

 

I hate it...hate that she got to me, that she stroked my ego, said all the right things, way before we started up, .........prepping me...us....and I look back and even see how she was preparing to get rid of me over the summer.....how f'ing stupid was I.......so very f'in stupid!

[SoMovinOn]

Definitely, matter of fact there are a tons of stories I've read where one spouse leaves to be with the OM/OW and then a reverse-affair starts. Crazy world we live in, huh?

 

Not that my STBXW hasn't been more than a bit crazy at times, but she suggested exactly that shortly after I got involved with my GF - that once W and I were D, and I was with GF, I would/should continue to have a sexual relationship with exW... because we were always so good together and why would we stop that just because we weren't M anymore.

 

In case you're wondering, I flat out rejected the idea. I have no interest. Once the D is final, I will probably never talk to my exW again, much less be involved with her in any way.

[siuys]

I'd be interested to know, and since Im new around here, out of the folks who've had affairs, both male and female, what percentage of these folks have had their xOW/xOMs or xMW or xMM return to them and try and re establish some type of communication, be it romantic or otherwise.

 

Hi Rick, sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. I wish you strength and determination to get yourself out of it.

 

My A lasted 19 months. I am single. I tried to break it off maybe 4 times. He broke up with me twice, going back to his W after having moved out. The breaks never lasted more than 4 weeks. There was a lot of back and forth, a lot of pining from both sides, a lot of holding onto fantasy.

 

I've been NC now for a month. He moved out the second time a few months ago and I thought we can finally give this thing a proper go. He said all the right things but turns out he was still unsure, blowing hot and cold. I finally ended it for good. I don't feel stressed anymore. It's finally over. You can read threads I started if interested.

 

It is quite likely that she will make contact and you will be yanked back onto the roller-coaster. I believe when you're not done, you're not done. It may take you a few rounds to finally get to the "enough" moment. Or maybe you are able to walk away NOW.

 

We all know what we should be doing but actually doing it is another thing. It won't be linear so be kind to yourself and look at the bigger picture.

 

All the best.

[East7]

East7, if I can ask you, obviously you speak from experience, how long did she take a break from you before she wiggled her way back into your life?

 

I hate it...hate that she got to me, that she stroked my ego, said all the right things, way before we started up, .........prepping me...us....and I look back and even see how she was preparing to get rid of me over the summer.....how f'ing stupid was I.......so very f'in stupid!

 

The situations are different. What I experienced might not be the same between you and your MW.

 

The first 3 months (after A ended) she had her 'rebound' with her H. Suddenly she was sooo happy with him trying soo hard to convince herself that she was happy and making me look like I was the bad guy who destroyed her M. Then when the dust settled she wanted nothing less than to resume the A.

 

Your MW may never come back but odds are she will !

 

Maybe last summer, she built some resentment against you to push you away from her mind. Women are scared of their feelings and use rationalization to 'clear' their head. But then it happens a boomerang effect : they push their feelings away from a while then the boomerang comes back and hits them. When this happens they feel so desperately in love with the OM and resume contact. The thing is NOTHING has changed, and it is merely a longing for the old good feeling, rather than a decision to make things progress (getting a divorce).

 

Like Siuys said, there is rarely a clear-cut end. It is rather a long process of yo-yo-ing. She will come back, you will cave in and this will go on back and forth until you both get tired and the yo-yo burns out.

 

Just be prepared. You will cave in. Her sweet words will disarm you but then you'll realize nothing is going to change.

 

There is no such thing as HOPE. You will be done when you will not have any hope left about her.

[RainDown]

My goal is to be a great husband and an even greater father, and if I cannot be a husband to my wife anymore than I want to be great to someone else. My goal though is to make my marriage solid, to work at it, to build on what we have and to show her that I am making amends.

 

I want to be at the point that if the xMW shows back up after her marriage goes sour again (and part of me believes she might just to see if she can make me dance) that I can look her in the eyes, hold up my hand to her and tell her, 'not interested.'

 

This was the first morning I came home after dropping my daughter off at school and did not cry myself into anger. I'm sure it will happen again, there are a lot of memories of her and I around this area and at the school, I truly thought she was a good person but she's shown me otherwise but I need to move on, just as she supposedly has. Of course she said she's always been good at putting up a front but so am I, my job entails hiding emotion and compartmentalizing...with her I did neither.

 

I want to be a success at my relationship and not a pawn of someone else.

 

This is probably going to sound a bit radical, but if you really want to save your marriage you're probably going to have to move. Everytime you go to that school or other places that hold memories of your MW you are going to be triggered again. Day after day. Month after month. Year after year. I know this from experience. Even 12 years later I am triggered into thinking about one of my xMM when I see the restaurants we frequented or drive down the streets near where he worked and where I lived at the time. The triggers do not bother me because I'm not hung up on him and never was, but you were and you are.

 

I think you are at considerable risk of getting involved with her again if you stay where you are. You are in this thing too deep and you are too vulnerable to risk staying so close to her (2 streets over...?). Bad, bad news.

 

If you want your marriage to work, the MW has to be banished from your life I think. Really banished. Like 1000 miles away banished. No "running into her", no triggers brought on by familiar locations, no letters, no phone calls, no texts, no IMs, no FB. Nada.

 

Radical, I know. But sometime desperate times call for desperate measures. And I'd say these are desperate times.

[fooled once]

Dr Phil should have added: But if you get the whole pie all to yourself all the time, every day, all day, for years on end it becomes just as ordinary as the pie you currently are disdaining. Sometimes, it doesn't even take years to feel that way, but days or weeks.

 

OP, trust me, your xMW's sh*t stinks, too. You just didn't have to deal with it every day, all day, years on end.

 

And no, MC won't work while you're lying (or hiding) your feelings and thoughts about xMW. MC doesn't work unless both partners are being fully honest, especially about the really hard stuff.

 

Agree! And to slightly t/j, norajane, GREAT to see you again!!

 

Rick, it really sounds as if you really WANT this woman to contact you again and to start up the affair. There are 5-7 pages of responses and you keep going back to wondering if she will contact you, almost a game of 'reverse psychology, like if enough people SAY she will contact you, then she will. Why? What purpose would it serve for her to contact you? Can you admit that you secretly deep down hope she does contact you??

 

I don't see your marriage surviving this because you are still way too attached and concerned about the OW.

[RickFox]

Agree! And to slightly t/j, norajane, GREAT to see you again!!

 

Rick, it really sounds as if you really WANT this woman to contact you again and to start up the affair. There are 5-7 pages of responses and you keep going back to wondering if she will contact you, almost a game of 'reverse psychology, like if enough people SAY she will contact you, then she will. Why? What purpose would it serve for her to contact you? Can you admit that you secretly deep down hope she does contact you??

 

I don't see your marriage surviving this because you are still way too attached and concerned about the OW.

 

I see what you're saying but as I said before, if I get insight into how things happen, have happened for others, statistics, viewpoints, I can better prepare myself SHOULD this happen.

 

I want her to stay away but I can't sit back and pretend she will. I used to want her to contact me so I could have another chance, my fantasy has changed to her contacting me and me walking away from her without saying a word.

 

It is my biggest concern because it is my wife's biggest concern as well. IF I am so naive to think she won't ever try and contact me (and maybe she won't) but I do myself a disservice to think like that. That's the way I am, I play the what if game and the then whats.....

 

I do think of her, I think of the time's we had, but they fade a bit with each passing day...

 

As far as moving, it simply is not feasible, not for either of us. I can deal with the memories of the affair, they will always be there..... I can only prepare myself for what might occur while I concentrate on what is occurring right now.

 

I have read every single response and re read them every day, I take them all into account and they help me build my armor each time.

[East7]

Rick,

 

I would add: You are both married and none of you wants to leave their M. She doesn't want to divorce, you don't want to divorce either. So what's the point ?

 

My situation was different because I was a single OM. I was available for MW and I wanted a real daylight R with her from the day 1, so there was a goal for me. What is your goal ?

 

I think you are too focused on the addiction itself rather than looking at the big picture. Take some distance from what happened and look how it was a fling for both of you without any ambition to be together.

 

If your goal is to save your M, then take time to reconnect with your wife, she deserves your full attention. The addiction will fade away with the time.

 

With the hindsight, I can tell you that for nothing in the world I would trade a good, stable and honest R for a passionate short term A.

[Yianks]

Rick,

 

With the hindsight, I can tell you that for nothing in the world I would trade a good, stable and honest R for a passionate short term A.

 

Being myself an OM, I would definitely support this. Many people support that for a single person to be involved in an A with a MP is actually an act to avoid real R.

 

You can't imagine the pain if you have honest feelings for your MW to know that she is not alone at night, the silent weekends, Christmas etc.

 

The separation pain after an A has ended is much less than if you stay.

 

A single AP must be out of his/her mind to start an A with a MP. Afterall, the odds are so much against them. Let alone the tremendous pain. I guess when they are both married somehow changes all that.

[wannabdone]

Definitely, matter of fact there are a tons of stories I've read where one spouse leaves to be with the OM/OW and then a reverse-affair starts. Crazy world we live in, huh?

 

 

I think it is different for each relationship. Sometimes there are OW/OM who have more attachment to MM/MW and vise versa. A lot of time in very long A's the MM/MW give all their good to the OM/OW, and not the BS. This making attachments being formed that are much "better" , for lack of better terms than with their BS.

[Spark1111]

Rick, I am sorry you are in so much pain. The daily contact must be torturous to both you and your spouse.

 

I am gonna go out on a limb here, but I think you were played big time.

 

That Walmart meeting smacks of a truly manipulative ploy to ensure her H is never informed.

 

She pulled every emotional string she could to assure you would never hurt her marriage and status quo. Your wife not wanting to inform her H was probably a strong maternal instinct to protect your daughter from messy affair fallout at her school.

 

Once she was reasonably assured both you and your wife wouldn't upset the status quo, she still didn't stop: perfume on her daughter, wearing your favorite outfit, ignoring you while bringing her husband along to drop off the kids.....

 

Until she could be certain of how you and your wife would react, she threw you right under the bus, probably telling her H you were becoming attracted to her and coming on strong.

 

NOTHING ELSE explains his sudden and constant arrival at school.

 

Wow! How lucky can a philandering woman get? Two men, lots of drama, and puppy dog eyes.

 

And somehow, you are still obssessed with her while your wife is forgiving you and waiting for you to step it up and be a better man for her!

 

If you were my man, I'd show you the door and tell you to go get her or come back when you are obssessing about me like you do her.

[Spark1111]

Affirmative soldier !

 

She'll miss the old good thrill. Just because she told you she won't contact you doesn't mean she never will. Where did you see any consistency in her actions and words ?

 

When you stayed strong and told her you were done, she was overwhelmed with the feelings of loss. Affair or not, when someone dumps you, it hurts. That's why she flooded you with texts. Then she had the WTF-am-I-doing instant and she said "I am in peace". Just her talking to herself.

 

It is all about HER, never forget this.

 

Keep reminding him, East!

[wannabdone]

In the aftermath of my fWH's six week affair, his pain was undeniable and, I don't know how I did it, but I managed to step outside myself to focus on his healing first. I already knew it was going to take a friggin long time for me, but I needed a "whole" husband who could handle what I threw at him in order for it to ever happen at all. So, in tandem with counseling from our church, I encouraged my husband to share with me his pain over "losing" her.

 

To back up, HE was the one who came to me to confess in the first place, and he was the one who broke things off with the xOW. I honestly don't know if I would have had the strength to be his sounding board if it wasn't for that, but who knows?

 

Anyway, my point is that by allowing him to open up to me, the more clarity he would have that so much of what he thought was going on was a big fat hairy self-induced deception... right down to the rewriting of our marital history (over 20 years worth).

 

I am convinced that this facilitated the hastening of his healing... in fact, it was much faster than I had ever thought possible. And thank God, too, because his true remorse (not just guilt or regret) was what I needed to start my own journey to healing. My pain was not easy for him to deal with, but he OWNED it. Whenever the xOW tried to make contact, he showed it to me, and we ignored her TOGETHER as a team. When the xOW brazenly came after me personally out of the blue in the most heinous of ways, he was a whole man who was there to protect his wife and family from harm, something he expressed deeply that he should have done from the beginning.

 

The whole point of my post is not to suggest that you confide every detail to your BW like you are doing here, but to at least confess to her that you don't want to slip up should the xOW contact you again. Tell her you need her help because she knows you best! You both need to be a united front if you have any hope of salvaging your marriage. Go back to the beginning of your courtship and reminisce together. Again, my fWH completely rewrote history to the point where he actually said he thought we had never loved each other. Well, I happened to have kept our love letters from long ago, and my gawd... we were so hopelessly in love we almost gagged after reading them together. LOL And yes, we were married somewhat young, 21 and 22, and we had some great years and some bad ones, but we weathered them.

 

It has been about 2-1/2 years since the A, and we are fully and happily reconciled. A lot of things had to change, though, and my husband had to do the vast majority of the heavy lifting because of the trust he destroyed. I now trust him completely, but it's not blind... it's based on wisdom, which is far more valuable anyway.

 

I realize in this economy that it may be difficult to do, but is there any way you could get a shift change, or somehow find employment that lines up more closely with your wife's schedule? This would be a big help in closing that gap of opportunity.

 

Keep going to therapy even if your wife does not. She may choose to join you once she sees hope of a stronger husband emerging from working on himself. Whatever you do, be honest with her, though. Don't keep her dangling in a marriage if it's only because you don't want to be alone. She may love you very much and be willing to forgive you, but I guarantee she doesn't want to be strung along for your own selfish purposes. You're either all in or you're all out.

 

Good luck and God bless!

 

 

WOW!!! F4M.... You are truly an AMAZING woman!!!! Good for you. You listened and understood what your H was going through. That so many times is a big problem. The BS is concentrated on their hurt, which is understandable, but in doing that shuts out their S and then leaves the door wide open for it to continue, as the pain was really not dealt with.

 

YOU are a true example of what God expects us to be as a spouse, and my hats off to you. There are few and far between people, such as yourself. Your post shows how wonderful you are. Your H is a blessed man to have you!!!

[Spark1111]

WOW!!! F4M.... You are truly an AMAZING woman!!!! Good for you. You listened and understood what your H was going through. That so many times is a big problem. The BS is concentrated on their hurt, which is understandable, but in doing that shuts out their S and then leaves the door wide open for it to continue, as the pain was really not dealt with.

 

YOU are a true example of what God expects us to be as a spouse, and my hats off to you. There are few and far between people, such as yourself. Your post shows how wonderful you are. Your H is a blessed man to have you!!!

 

Fight4me is a rare and wonderful spouse.

 

Her H confessed to her, ended the affair, and went NC.

 

If Rick could do the same thing and stop obssessing over his AP and turn to his wife for support, his wife too may also prove to be a rare and wonderful woman.

 

He may actually be surprised how supportive a BS can be when given the chance.

[wannabdone]

Fight4me is a rare and wonderful spouse.

 

Her H confessed to her, ended the affair, and went NC.

 

If Rick could do the same thing and stop obssessing over his AP and turn to his wife for support, his wife too may also prove to be a rare and wonderful woman.

 

He may actually be surprised how supportive a BS can be when given the chance.

 

 

Agreed. I think that lies the problem. Most don't do that. And something tells me he wants to know why she will contact him again, because he really wants her to somewhere down deep. And I have been there. No judgement. Just know that sometimes, we say things to seem strong. I have tried to turn to my H with things and he won't hear of it. I've actually begged him. I know he is hurt, but he doesn't understand how it keeps me in this limbo.

[Fight4Me]

LOL! If you had seen me during my "rage stage" about six months after DDay, I'm not sure anyone would describe me as wonderful or amazing or rare. Well, then again, I was truly in amazingly rare form, but dang... I was NOT pleasant to be around, to say the least.

 

That actually was triggered by contact from the xOW to me who said some really horrible things. My husband and I realized she could be capable of emailing our kids, so that is when he made the choice to tell them what he had done. It was better that they find out from him than from her. I stood by his side when he did it and they actually told him they had MORE respect for him than ever because they knew something had happened, and that our marriage was 1000 times better. Still, they noticed my anger as much as I tried to hide it, but now they understood and felt respected in return. We didn't tell our youngest since her age didn't warrant it. Since that day, I was completely purged of all the poisonous thoughts, and even though the xOW would throw something at me on occasion, I felt more compelled to pray for her than to allow anything to affect my family again.

 

Anyway, I'm really concerned that Rick is not allowing his wife the opportunity to be his partner in this. It sounds like they're talking about it, but she obviously doesn't know that he's mourning the OW... or she does, and is waiting to see if he pees or gets off the pot. He's dangerously close to losing his wife, but doesn't realize it because he's wrapped up in what the OW is thinking, feeling, etc.

 

I very much believe in life after infidelity and that a marriage can go on to thrive in the aftermath, so it pains me to see one with so much potential about to go over a cliff because the driver is asleep at the wheel.

 

On the up-side, he's getting some great advice here, and I think East is a godsend to those like Rick who need to hear the reality of an A situation... particularly with a MOW.

 

Sorry, Rick, I don't mean to speak in 3rd person about you, but I was responding to others and it made more grammatical sense. I also haven't had enough coffee this morning. LOL

Edited October 3, 2011 by Fight4Me

[RickFox]

Rick,

 

I would add: You are both married and none of you wants to leave their M. She doesn't want to divorce, you don't want to divorce either. So what's the point ?

 

My situation was different because I was a single OM. I was available for MW and I wanted a real daylight R with her from the day 1, so there was a goal for me. What is your goal ?

 

I think you are too focused on the addiction itself rather than looking at the big picture. Take some distance from what happened and look how it was a fling for both of you without any ambition to be together.

 

If your goal is to save your M, then take time to reconnect with your wife, she deserves your full attention. The addiction will fade away with the time.

 

With the hindsight, I can tell you that for nothing in the world I would trade a good, stable and honest R for a passionate short term A.

 

Therein lies the rub I guess. I am focused on the addiction, however, at the time, while many will see it as a fling, I (the dumba$$), was making plans on starting a new episode in my life with her. I refused to hear what she was telling me (I love you but I'm not ready to leave my husband) and I was making plans to walk away from my marriage and start things with her.

 

That being said, if I do not acknowledge things I am thinking, either here or in the real world, I do myself a disservice. I am fighting for my marriage, more than any of you can know, I am trying to reconnect with my wife and have her reconnect with me. She has told me that she loves me but the part of her that was in love with me has disappeared based on my actions and I am doing all that I can to rebuild what I broke. It will not happen in days nor months and maybe not in years but I am giving it everything I can. When I started this thread I had been battling these feelings for a while and I was having some good days and many a bad day and I wrote it on a particularly bad day. Since then I am focusing on me and my family more than my feelings of what 'never was' but it doesn't mean I shouldn't prepare myself for what seems to be what a majority of folks say here, that she will return somehow someway. Again I say it is better to arm ones self with knowledge than to remain ignorant and say it won't ever happen.

 

I have wondered what life would have been like with the other woman by my side but that wonder is short lived when I think that I only got to see the good side and not the side that lives with her day by day. I do have a great wife, she loves me and works just as hard to please me as she did on day one and I have told her that she is not the one who needs to work at this.

 

As for the idiot poster who was asking about sex, that's not a priority with me, never has been, and it wasn't the reason I went outside my marriage. That's all you'll get on that one.

[Snowflower]

 

That being said, if I do not acknowledge things I am thinking, either here or in the real world, I do myself a disservice. I am fighting for my marriage, more than any of you can know, I am trying to reconnect with my wife and have her reconnect with me. She has told me that she loves me but the part of her that was in love with me has disappeared based on my actions

 

IMO, a WS only gets a finite amount of time to fight for their marriage after an affair.

 

Your wife is hurting just as badly over the loss of YOU, her husband, as you are over the loss of your OW. Have you thought about that?

 

A loving, forgiving spouse can only "hold in" for so long after an affair when their WS is still thinking about the AP. If the WS takes too long, the love the BS feels (and the marriage itself) dies a slow painful death.

 

Like others have pointed out here (Spark1111, FooledOnce, and Fight4Me), what about your marriage? You say you're fighting for your marriage but it is only a passing mention in most of your posts. Meanwhile, you are obsessing about and missing your OW...wondering if she will contact you again.

 

Your emotional energy still lies with the OW and not your wife. Your marriage and your wife's love for you will end if you continue like this.

 

I am not trying to be harsh. Honestly. And I know the purpose of your thread here is to understand your addiction and feelings for the OW and not how to repair your marriage.

 

However, I felt it was important to point out that you are losing precious moments here.

 

Most marriages that are touched by infidelity end not because of the affair but because of the mismanagement of the aftermath.

[Spark1111]

IMO, a WS only gets a finite amount of time to fight for their marriage after an affair.

 

Your wife is hurting just as badly over the loss of YOU, her husband, as you are over the loss of your OW. Have you thought about that?

 

A loving, forgiving spouse can only "hold in" for so long after an affair when their WS is still thinking about the AP. If the WS takes too long, the love the BS feels (and the marriage itself) dies a slow painful death.

 

Like others have pointed out here (Spark1111, FooledOnce, and Fight4Me), what about your marriage? You say you're fighting for your marriage but it is only a passing mention in most of your posts. Meanwhile, you are obsessing about and missing your OW...wondering if she will contact you again.

 

Your emotional energy still lies with the OW and not your wife. Your marriage and your wife's love for you will end if you continue like this.

 

I am not trying to be harsh. Honestly. And I know the purpose of your thread here is to understand your addiction and feelings for the OW and not how to repair your marriage.

 

However, I felt it was important to point out that you are losing precious moments here.

 

Most marriages that are touched by infidelity end not because of the affair but because of the mismanagement of the aftermath.[/QUOTE]

 

Touche Snowflower! Well said! And so very, very true.

 

Rick, don't blow it. The hardest hurdles are yet to come.

[RickFox]

Okay, the past few days have made it easier and easier to deal with everything and I am focused for the most part. I have to say that my xOW's behavior has made it all the easier for me to see that my wife is the one who needs to be focused on (well that and because of all your comments, callin' it like you see it).

 

I take my daughter to school every morning when possible, if work doesn't keep me over, and I walk her in. The xOW used to do that as well but now I've seen her drop her daughter off and then leave.

 

Well I've been ahead of them the past few days, seen them pull up to the front as I'm walking out but today, her juvenile behavior made me laugh and I am happy we are where we are. I was only a few cars back from her at the light, I saw her vehicle dip down, and accelerate thru the school zone and she ran a red light, and yes I am presuming, to get away from me. I can only imagine the kind of juvenile games she would play if we were actually together.

 

So, I felt the click inside me, the gears changing direction, the focus turning more toward me and my wife, I honestly am having a moment of peace here. I will confess that I still don't understand how someone can go from 'oh baby i love you, want you, need to be with you' to pretending to not know you and acting like you don't exist.............HOWEVER, while I may not understand it, the part about caring ...well I don't anymore.

 

It has now been since the first week or so of August since we have had no contact, since she called me a stalker, I guess that makes it what, two months? I realize I may relapse and have a bad day but as of right now, I don't care if I never hear from her or see her face again. I see her for what she is, and she's nothing. She once told me, "I'm nothing special, you'll see, I'm really not." Girl, you are absolutely right!

[Spark1111]

Hey Rick.....you are making progress so be proud of yourself!

 

With distance and time, rational thought returns and you can assess the situation, the experience and the person much more objectively.

 

This all happens A LOT quicker if you go complete and total NC, which you claim, you cannot do. So your journey through this will be harder and longer for both you and your spouse.

 

Please willingly share every sighting and or contact, whether intentional or accidental, with your spouse. She will trust you more. Do not omit anything! If you do, it feels like one more betrayal to your spouse. Another secret, KWIM?

 

Your job, in addition to helping your wife overcome her pain, is to discover your "WHY". Why did you have the affair?

 

Over time, in therapy, many learn it was NOT the AP. it was the way they made you feel. Identify the unmet need within yourself, and you and your wife can work together to meet it.

 

As more and more time went by, my H started to scratch his head over his choice. He too grew angry at the games and over-the top drama of his AP. But these were all things he could not realize during the affair.

 

Good luck to you and your wife! Start reading and educating yourselves about affairs, how to recover from them and how to build a stronger marraige.

 

Good luck to you!

[whichwayisup]

Now you need to take this a step further and when you drop your daughter off, don't go "looking and watching" for exMW. Who cares if she drives through a red light or not, drives around the block to avoid you. Assuming or wondering why she's doing that serves NO purpose for you, except keeping her in your mind on some level.

 

Be proactive in pushing away thoughts, memories, fantasies of her. Don't allow yourself to reminiss!

[East7]

Rick, they are special because we give them a special place.

 

She is uncomfortable with seeing/talking with you. She is avoiding contact because probably she is feelings ashamed and hasn't the guts to face you.

 

The MW can go very far with words...I am not surprised that after telling you many sweet words she is behaving like a stranger. It was just words..

 

The difference with you wife is that your wife shows you actions not just words.

 

You have a "flexible Giver" on one side (your W) and a blah-blah b1tch on the other side. Clarity is a good thing

 

In the long run you'll know who is worth your love.

[Fight4Me]

She has told me that she loves me but the part of her that was in love with me has disappeared based on my actions and I am doing all that I can to rebuild what I broke.

 

I just wanted to address this part of your post since it hits home to me, and hopefully I can provide insight from her point of view. Right now, your wife is mourning the death of her marriage as she knew it. She literally views you as the person who murdered it, so naturally what she once felt for you has been shattered. Essentially, the person she was in love with is, in her mind, gone... because he failed to protect her and gave himself to someone else.

 

BUT... there's hope of a new marriage to build, as long as you emerge from this as a profoundly changed man. She loves you and wants to be in love with you again, but it's going to take time and a lot of hard work on your end. Be prepared to be tested, but also know that those times are about rebuilding trust. In the end, it is so worth it!

 

By the way, a really great book to read together is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will open your eyes to the anatomy of an affair and how to heal from it. Both you and your wife will get a great deal out of it.

 

Keep up the hard work and don't be afraid to continue sharing here. We will give you feedback (some of it tough), but we will also cheer you on and encourage you.

[FirstNobleTruth]

Rick, I just want to echo what Fight4Me, Spark1111, Snowflower, and FooledOnce are telling you. You need to focus on your wife now, not on the OW.

 

I realize you feel you are preparing yourself to stay strong in case OW contacts you again, by ruminating and guessing about her true motivations, how the contact might play out, etc. But to me, it just sounds like you're still obsessing about the OW. It sounds like you lost whatever it was you had when you were together, but you'll be damned if you're going to let go of the legacy of drama she left you with. I wonder if it would seem that way to your wife, too, if she read your posts.

 

One of the hallmarks of cheating behavior is that it's something you wouldn't do if your spouse were looking over your shoulder. Doesn't what you're doing right now fit that description?

 

Rick, I'm one of those BWs who was lucky enough to hear the whole truth from her WH on DDay. I'm here to tell you that I found out I was stronger than I thought I was. I found out I can handle the truth.

 

I also found out I CAN'T handle lies. One of the keys to OUR recovery, the recovery of OUR marriage, has been sharing our truths with each other, even when it has been uncomfortable. I share what I feel with him, even when it's painful for him. He shares what he feels with me, even when it's painful for me. We're a team. We're getting through it together.

 

I strongly urge you to let your wife know you want to share with her what you're going through, that you don't want to keep secrets from her any more, even "for her own good." MC helps with this, but it's not necessary. Just get real with her.

 

You want to know a good way to prepare yourself to deal with future contact from the OW, if it ever comes? Make a solemn vow to your wife that you will share all future contacts with HER. Be a partner to her, and let her be a partner to you.

 

And for heaven's sake, stop telling yourself stories about the OW based on her demeanor at school drop-off. Can't you how that keeps you hooked?

 

I wish you well, I really do.