FirstNobleTruth Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 "Now you need to take this a step further and when you drop your daughter off, don't go "looking and watching" for exMW. Who cares if she drives through a red light or not, drives around the block to avoid you. Assuming or wondering why she's doing that serves NO purpose for you, except keeping her in your mind on some level." "Be proactive in pushing away thoughts, memories, fantasies of her. Don't allow yourself to reminiss!" Exactly, WWIU ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickFox Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 Rick, they are special because we give them a special place. She is uncomfortable with seeing/talking with you. She is avoiding contact because probably she is feelings ashamed and hasn't the guts to face you. The MW can go very far with words...I am not surprised that after telling you many sweet words she is behaving like a stranger. It was just words.. The difference with you wife is that your wife shows you actions not just words. You have a "flexible Giver" on one side (your W) and a blah-blah b1tch on the other side. Clarity is a good thing In the long run you'll know who is worth your love. Uncomfortable? Ashamed? Considering what we went through I'd think that having those feelings/emotions now would be a bit ridiculous. Well if that's the case, I won't have to go through her attempting contact with me. I share everything now with my wife, it is she who holds back when I ask her to share, but I won't push it, not now. I have told her that if the OW ever contacts me I will tell her as soon as it happens. If my phone goes off, I show her who it is, I ask her to get it and see who it is...I am not keeping that from her. I have told her my emotions regarding the affair, it's not something we like to bring up, it makes it that much harder for her... One of the biggest obstacles we face is not just with me and my feelings about the xOW, I can honestly tell you that she is obsessed with her as much, if not moreso than I was/am. It's a battle to get her to go to therapy as she thinks she can handle it on her own........... Link to post Share on other sites
FirstNobleTruth Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Maybe your wife can handle it on her own. Some people can. Maybe she can't but she's not ready for outside help yet. Therapy isn't magic. It only works when the patient is ready and willing to do the work for themselves. I think your wife deserves a lot of credit for being willing to handle this situation at all. Many women would not. I think she deserves time, patience, and respect. The best thing you can do, for both of you, is get your own head on straight. "In case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, apply your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others." If you go to therapy on your own, and your wife sees you change for the better as a result, maybe she'll want to go for herself. A good therapist will also help you learn to communicate better with your wife, even if your wife won't go to therapy. Her reluctance to go to therapy right now might complicate the solution, but it is not the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Uncomfortable? Ashamed? Considering what we went through I'd think that having those feelings/emotions now would be a bit ridiculous. Well if that's the case, I won't have to go through her attempting contact with me. I share everything now with my wife, it is she who holds back when I ask her to share, but I won't push it, not now. I have told her that if the OW ever contacts me I will tell her as soon as it happens. If my phone goes off, I show her who it is, I ask her to get it and see who it is...I am not keeping that from her. I have told her my emotions regarding the affair, it's not something we like to bring up, it makes it that much harder for her... One of the biggest obstacles we face is not just with me and my feelings about the xOW, I can honestly tell you that she is obsessed with her as much, if not moreso than I was/am. It's a battle to get her to go to therapy as she thinks she can handle it on her own........... Please read up on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the Five stage of grief: Denial (Shock), Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance Your wife's obssession with the OW is a natural protection of her psyche and part of the first stage. She may also be blaming herself for YOUR actions. . She loves you, so she cannot accept yet what you have done. She obssesses over the OW because it is easier, FOR NOW, to blame that manipulative biach for the devastation she is feeling right now. It is a common enemy. Her sweet, sainted, spouse would have NEVER hurt her unless HE was manipulated by that evil woman to do so. This response protects her love for you. You are both going to go through this and the stages often overlap. There will come a time, in about a year from now, that she will feel anger from her toes at YOU. She will grieve the marriage she thought she had. She will begin to obssess why you never told her of your unhappiness and give her a chance to help fix it. She will look at you sideways and question how you found it soooo easy to lie to her everyday. She will work very hard to respect you again, the man she loved and trusted to keep her safe for life. Please continue to encourage her to go to therapy. Please find a MC who specializes in Infidelity. Good luck Rick. I wish you both peace and happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickFox Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Please read up on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the Five stage of grief: Denial (Shock), Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance Your wife's obssession with the OW is a natural protection of her psyche and part of the first stage. She may also be blaming herself for YOUR actions. . She loves you, so she cannot accept yet what you have done. She obssesses over the OW because it is easier, FOR NOW, to blame that manipulative biach for the devastation she is feeling right now. It is a common enemy. Her sweet, sainted, spouse would have NEVER hurt her unless HE was manipulated by that evil woman to do so. This response protects her love for you. You are both going to go through this and the stages often overlap. There will come a time, in about a year from now, that she will feel anger from her toes at YOU. She will grieve the marriage she thought she had. She will begin to obssess why you never told her of your unhappiness and give her a chance to help fix it. She will look at you sideways and question how you found it soooo easy to lie to her everyday. She will work very hard to respect you again, the man she loved and trusted to keep her safe for life. Please continue to encourage her to go to therapy. Please find a MC who specializes in Infidelity. Good luck Rick. I wish you both peace and happiness. Thank you for your well wishes. We are taking it day by day. My wife said that she didn't think she was good enough for me. I had to hold her and tell her that it was I that was not good enough for her. That good people don't do what I did...... her pain ...jeez, I hate what I've done to her and the fact that the xMW still gets in my thoughts at times, makes the pain almost unbearable when I think of the tears running down my wife's cheeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby_shoes Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Hi Rick I just wanted to say that I read your posts after seeing you post on another thread and the feelings you describe could be me! Thank you. I'm sorry you are hurting although it's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings and confusion! Please keep posting Ruby Link to post Share on other sites
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